Will the strength run out...?
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I've been hovering in the background for the last 9 weeks, finding strength from knowing that none of us are alone in this and we have all found our way to this forum seeking support from those who may understand what we are going through. So many of our questions are similar, trying to seek the answers to understand this better and to obtain the clarity we may need to make decisions about our future. My worry is now getting to the point where I fear that the strength I have, will run out...
9 weeks ago...my OH was arrested (distribution to an undercover police officer) and taken away whilst the police remained in our home searching for what felt like an eternity. My OH presented to magistrates after 2 nights in custody but was unable to enter a plea due to question marks over the charges and was denied bail so has been held on remand since then. He has since appeared at crown to enter his plea (guilty) and we are now awaiting sentencing....potentially in the next 2 weeks.
This timeline I have been given seems rare compared to what I have read about others experiencing, and that in itself has caused some real anxieties, along with a lot of other emotions that have come my way. Why is this so quick? Does that mean the outcome will be worse? Are there things I don't know about?
There has been a real impact with my family and I fear that things will never be the same again, regardless of the choices I make moving forward. They have told me to take my time, they will support me but there would be consequences to my choices, understandably.
It is worth mentioning I feel, as again it seems rare from what I have been reading on here, but this was my OH's second offence. The first offence (possession) was before we had met, however he had to disclose soon after our relationship began but I chose to stand by him as I believed it would never happen again, and that the support he was accessing through probation etc was and would be enough. Fast forward 4.5 years and we get married...we had waited for the end of the register and the prevention orders so we could officially start our new life with nothing hanging over our heads. Our plan was to start a family and then on our 11 month anniversary, everything changed, our lives never to return to how they were or we planned them to be.
I have amazed myself at the strength I have found...to deal with the logistics of a partner in prison, to managing the solicitors and everything that entails, to getting myself back to work and navigating the complexities of my family, to managing his and my own emotional wellbeing...there have been a lot of ups and downs, there have been moments of anger, sadness, numbness, but rarely any positive emotions.
My automatic setting is to protect and support and I continue to put the needs of others above my own...something I am trying to work on with support from a StopSO counsellor...but I can feel my reserve running low - I rarely get ill but it is taking its toll and I am currently surrounded by paracetamol, cough syrup and lockets!! Sleep is awful, I am constantly on edge, I rarely leave the house except for work...and today having received the pre sentence report, myself and my OH are back to a very low place individually - on the other side of it though, he is relieved that I now have all of the information as this is something that has caused him to worry...he has wanted to talk to me about the charges, but we have never had the privacy to have such an honest conversation. We have discussed bits up until today, but it has always been with limited information...lots of me asking questions and him answering with yes/no...not the most productive way of having such conversations!!
We continue to talk multiple times a day and have fortnightly visits...but the one thing we need right now, to be able to sit and talk about this all openly and honestly, is something we cannot achieve, and likely will not achieve until any custodial sentence is over. This is how we have operated in our relationship...to talk...until recently when the shame kicked in and he closed up like a clam, something he says he deeply regrets.
Hindsight is a beautiful but detrimental thing...I sit and wish that I had known about all of these services after he disclosed the first offence to me...could I have accessed more, could I have understood it better, could I have supported him to access additional support, could I have questioned more? Like I said, I naively believed that the support he needed was being provided. That has not been the case this time and I am not willing to leave this in the hands of others...my fight mode has kicked in and I have reached out to so many professionals and services (mainly after reading posts on this forum), identifying the support that is available...almost creating a mini 'release plan' of our own. My OH wants to access this...not just for me and our relationship but for himself. He does not want this to be who he is and does not want this for his or our lives. He is no longer willing to supress his previous trauma, he is no longer willing to ignore his addictive tendencies, he is no longer willing to bury his head in the sand.
I appreciate to some my approach to this may seem bizarre or like I am also burying my head in the sand...this is not the case. I am not the judge who is there to stipulate and enforce the chosen punishment and consequences for his actions...that is what they are responsible for and my OH needs to be held accountable for the choices he has made. I am here to not walk away like everyone who came before me has done, including his parents and family...I am here to support him and support myself whilst our paths run separate from each other...I am here to fight for us whilst he is not able to.
I could sit and waffle on for hours...about my displaced anger, my frustration, my sadness...but that may chip away even further at the strength I have remaining. I have no doubt that parts of this will resonate with others and hopefully others will not feel alone when they feel their tank is running on low. I know that when I have needed a 'top up over the last 9 weeks, it is here where I have found it. For that, I thank you all...for sharing your journeys, for showing your vulnerabilities and for allowing me to tap into your strength when I have needed it the most.
Wherever you are on your journey, whatever that may look like, I know from this forum we are not alone, despite the world often feeling like the loneliest of places!! I appreciate you all, and hope this post may give someone else the chance to 'top up'! xxx
9 weeks ago...my OH was arrested (distribution to an undercover police officer) and taken away whilst the police remained in our home searching for what felt like an eternity. My OH presented to magistrates after 2 nights in custody but was unable to enter a plea due to question marks over the charges and was denied bail so has been held on remand since then. He has since appeared at crown to enter his plea (guilty) and we are now awaiting sentencing....potentially in the next 2 weeks.
This timeline I have been given seems rare compared to what I have read about others experiencing, and that in itself has caused some real anxieties, along with a lot of other emotions that have come my way. Why is this so quick? Does that mean the outcome will be worse? Are there things I don't know about?
There has been a real impact with my family and I fear that things will never be the same again, regardless of the choices I make moving forward. They have told me to take my time, they will support me but there would be consequences to my choices, understandably.
It is worth mentioning I feel, as again it seems rare from what I have been reading on here, but this was my OH's second offence. The first offence (possession) was before we had met, however he had to disclose soon after our relationship began but I chose to stand by him as I believed it would never happen again, and that the support he was accessing through probation etc was and would be enough. Fast forward 4.5 years and we get married...we had waited for the end of the register and the prevention orders so we could officially start our new life with nothing hanging over our heads. Our plan was to start a family and then on our 11 month anniversary, everything changed, our lives never to return to how they were or we planned them to be.
I have amazed myself at the strength I have found...to deal with the logistics of a partner in prison, to managing the solicitors and everything that entails, to getting myself back to work and navigating the complexities of my family, to managing his and my own emotional wellbeing...there have been a lot of ups and downs, there have been moments of anger, sadness, numbness, but rarely any positive emotions.
My automatic setting is to protect and support and I continue to put the needs of others above my own...something I am trying to work on with support from a StopSO counsellor...but I can feel my reserve running low - I rarely get ill but it is taking its toll and I am currently surrounded by paracetamol, cough syrup and lockets!! Sleep is awful, I am constantly on edge, I rarely leave the house except for work...and today having received the pre sentence report, myself and my OH are back to a very low place individually - on the other side of it though, he is relieved that I now have all of the information as this is something that has caused him to worry...he has wanted to talk to me about the charges, but we have never had the privacy to have such an honest conversation. We have discussed bits up until today, but it has always been with limited information...lots of me asking questions and him answering with yes/no...not the most productive way of having such conversations!!
We continue to talk multiple times a day and have fortnightly visits...but the one thing we need right now, to be able to sit and talk about this all openly and honestly, is something we cannot achieve, and likely will not achieve until any custodial sentence is over. This is how we have operated in our relationship...to talk...until recently when the shame kicked in and he closed up like a clam, something he says he deeply regrets.
Hindsight is a beautiful but detrimental thing...I sit and wish that I had known about all of these services after he disclosed the first offence to me...could I have accessed more, could I have understood it better, could I have supported him to access additional support, could I have questioned more? Like I said, I naively believed that the support he needed was being provided. That has not been the case this time and I am not willing to leave this in the hands of others...my fight mode has kicked in and I have reached out to so many professionals and services (mainly after reading posts on this forum), identifying the support that is available...almost creating a mini 'release plan' of our own. My OH wants to access this...not just for me and our relationship but for himself. He does not want this to be who he is and does not want this for his or our lives. He is no longer willing to supress his previous trauma, he is no longer willing to ignore his addictive tendencies, he is no longer willing to bury his head in the sand.
I appreciate to some my approach to this may seem bizarre or like I am also burying my head in the sand...this is not the case. I am not the judge who is there to stipulate and enforce the chosen punishment and consequences for his actions...that is what they are responsible for and my OH needs to be held accountable for the choices he has made. I am here to not walk away like everyone who came before me has done, including his parents and family...I am here to support him and support myself whilst our paths run separate from each other...I am here to fight for us whilst he is not able to.
I could sit and waffle on for hours...about my displaced anger, my frustration, my sadness...but that may chip away even further at the strength I have remaining. I have no doubt that parts of this will resonate with others and hopefully others will not feel alone when they feel their tank is running on low. I know that when I have needed a 'top up over the last 9 weeks, it is here where I have found it. For that, I thank you all...for sharing your journeys, for showing your vulnerabilities and for allowing me to tap into your strength when I have needed it the most.
Wherever you are on your journey, whatever that may look like, I know from this forum we are not alone, despite the world often feeling like the loneliest of places!! I appreciate you all, and hope this post may give someone else the chance to 'top up'! xxx
Thank you so much for sharing your story.
I am a year in, ours was a fairly quick journey. Knock to sentencing was 7 months. We have also has SS in our lives as we have children.
In answer to your question, no, the strength does not run out. It comes in waves, and there will be times that you need to find strength from others. We are here to share our strength.
Welcome to the club that no-one wants to be a member of x
I am a year in, ours was a fairly quick journey. Knock to sentencing was 7 months. We have also has SS in our lives as we have children.
In answer to your question, no, the strength does not run out. It comes in waves, and there will be times that you need to find strength from others. We are here to share our strength.
Welcome to the club that no-one wants to be a member of x
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Hi Sunflower,
Thanks for your post. There's a lot that my situation has in common with your situation, and yes it's pretty hellish. I'd be happy to chat with you on private messaging if you want. Thinking of you xx
Thanks for your post. There's a lot that my situation has in common with your situation, and yes it's pretty hellish. I'd be happy to chat with you on private messaging if you want. Thinking of you xx
No the strength doesn't wear out. It's there within you and it doesn't stop. It's the exact thing that keeps you going and it'll always be there. You're stronger than you even know.