Feeling like it's not okay to not feel okay
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I can honestly say this year has been quite easily the worst of my entire life- the only positive thing I have other than the support of my family is my newborn child. They've honestly saved my life at this point, but admittedly things are still really hard.
So the point of my post is really this forum feels like my only safe place now to express what I'm going through with people that will at least understand what this experience is like, because I really feel like my mental health is used as a weapon against me even though I've done nothing wrong. Why? So ever since my OH was arrested SS have been involved, as I have nothing to hide I was always honest about my feelings and my history as I did have a history of depression, anxiety and SH. Then every report always says how my mental health is a cause for concern, that its a risk of how I would bond with and raise my child even though I was honest about saying how my mental health hasnt been an issue in over a year, and the news that I was finally pregnant after years of trying made me over the moon with joy. I was so upset when I read this about myself, I love my child more than anything and would NEVER to anything to put them in harms way.
I feel like I've had to revert back to when I was at my worst with my mental health all those years ago. If someone asks if I'm alright the response is automatically "I'm fine" even if I'm on the brink of tears. I can't talk to anyone in fear of it having a backlash on me with SS. And throughout this entire process I can't say I've had the best experience with them no matter how honest I've been. In their own words on the reports I am: oblivious, groomed, and unsuitable to offer supervised contact with my OH.
I'm just so tired and down, I want this all to be over, I want to go home, I want a real life with my child and ideally with my OH, but in all honesty I just don't see that happening as its hard enough trying to see him as he isn't allowed in the same home as our child (or any children). Trying to find somewhere to go and preparing a new born for an outing every day is exhausting and all SS can say is dont even ask for more as many families don't even get what we have I.e a family member supervising out in the public.
It's heartbreaking for me as this is my first and most likely my last ever child, I spent near enough my entire pregnancy with the investigation over my head, doubts about my OH, fear of what's going to happen in the future, even fear that my child would be taken away from me. there's so many experiences that were robbed from me that I'll never get back, I felt as if I couldn't enjoy my pregnancy and things have only felt worse since now I'm away from my home and OH.
Yeah some days are better than others but today is just another of many, many bad days x
So the point of my post is really this forum feels like my only safe place now to express what I'm going through with people that will at least understand what this experience is like, because I really feel like my mental health is used as a weapon against me even though I've done nothing wrong. Why? So ever since my OH was arrested SS have been involved, as I have nothing to hide I was always honest about my feelings and my history as I did have a history of depression, anxiety and SH. Then every report always says how my mental health is a cause for concern, that its a risk of how I would bond with and raise my child even though I was honest about saying how my mental health hasnt been an issue in over a year, and the news that I was finally pregnant after years of trying made me over the moon with joy. I was so upset when I read this about myself, I love my child more than anything and would NEVER to anything to put them in harms way.
I feel like I've had to revert back to when I was at my worst with my mental health all those years ago. If someone asks if I'm alright the response is automatically "I'm fine" even if I'm on the brink of tears. I can't talk to anyone in fear of it having a backlash on me with SS. And throughout this entire process I can't say I've had the best experience with them no matter how honest I've been. In their own words on the reports I am: oblivious, groomed, and unsuitable to offer supervised contact with my OH.
I'm just so tired and down, I want this all to be over, I want to go home, I want a real life with my child and ideally with my OH, but in all honesty I just don't see that happening as its hard enough trying to see him as he isn't allowed in the same home as our child (or any children). Trying to find somewhere to go and preparing a new born for an outing every day is exhausting and all SS can say is dont even ask for more as many families don't even get what we have I.e a family member supervising out in the public.
It's heartbreaking for me as this is my first and most likely my last ever child, I spent near enough my entire pregnancy with the investigation over my head, doubts about my OH, fear of what's going to happen in the future, even fear that my child would be taken away from me. there's so many experiences that were robbed from me that I'll never get back, I felt as if I couldn't enjoy my pregnancy and things have only felt worse since now I'm away from my home and OH.
Yeah some days are better than others but today is just another of many, many bad days x
You're doing so well to manage as much as you have. Newborns are amazing, but utterly exhausting. Getting out to see your OH is a huge achievement.
When mine were born, I mostly just got stressed and cried for the first 12 weeks. I didn't have any of *this* hanging over me then.
I really admire how well you're coping.
lots of people on here have managed to get their partners home with their little ones, there is hope....
xx
When mine were born, I mostly just got stressed and cried for the first 12 weeks. I didn't have any of *this* hanging over me then.
I really admire how well you're coping.
lots of people on here have managed to get their partners home with their little ones, there is hope....
xx
TryingtoKeepHope,
I feel so sad for you that the joy of a new baby has been tainted by the circumstances and now SS are adding to that burden by not allowing you to feel you can properly express your feelings without putting their own spin on it. You would think that they of all people would have the training and the understanding. It's a long lonely road, in the beginning I think I was a bit more passive, but I am developing a bit more fight and attitude lately which is helping me to be more assertive, especially to myself, about my right to feel how I feel, believe what I believe and to do what I want to do. I'm sure you are a fantastic loving and protective mum and eventually SS will have to accept it and leave you alone.
I have also found this journey difficult due to the inability to talk to friends and family about it. I am nkrmy a very open person and have always adopted the problem shared is a problem halved approach. Currently I'm carrying it largely by myself. I have told a close friend who has been an absolute rock, and I've had counselling, but in other situations if I am feeling down I would share this with other friends and colleagues and tell them why. I'm sick of going around with this fake smile slapped on.
I feel so sad for you that the joy of a new baby has been tainted by the circumstances and now SS are adding to that burden by not allowing you to feel you can properly express your feelings without putting their own spin on it. You would think that they of all people would have the training and the understanding. It's a long lonely road, in the beginning I think I was a bit more passive, but I am developing a bit more fight and attitude lately which is helping me to be more assertive, especially to myself, about my right to feel how I feel, believe what I believe and to do what I want to do. I'm sure you are a fantastic loving and protective mum and eventually SS will have to accept it and leave you alone.
I have also found this journey difficult due to the inability to talk to friends and family about it. I am nkrmy a very open person and have always adopted the problem shared is a problem halved approach. Currently I'm carrying it largely by myself. I have told a close friend who has been an absolute rock, and I've had counselling, but in other situations if I am feeling down I would share this with other friends and colleagues and tell them why. I'm sick of going around with this fake smile slapped on.
A very wise friend said to me, it's okay to not be okay as long as you're coping.
I think it is hard for friends and family to truly understand what we're going through and that it won't change overnight. There is a huge amount of grief and emotions and it takes time to process that, probably years.
I think it is hard for friends and family to truly understand what we're going through and that it won't change overnight. There is a huge amount of grief and emotions and it takes time to process that, probably years.