Help with daughter
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How old are they both?
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TopHat,
Firstly I want to say how much of a wonderful Mum you are. Age gaps are quite a personal thing and it's all about individual circumstances. Personally, I do not agree larger age gaps of around 4/5+ years unless the younger party is over the age of 23/24+. I was 15 when I got into a relationship with a 20 year old and it was not good. I wish my Mum had grounded me and done whatever she could to keep me away from him but she didn't because she was scared I would never come home again. There are so many women who reflect on being in relationships with older men when they were teens and most completely regret it now they have matured and seen how odd it is. It's hard to comment as I don't want to encourage anything that may result in a fallout between you and your daughter but if the relationship makes you feel uncomfortable then it probably isn't ok. Of course we are a bit more hyper-aware of predatory men due to our situations (not that I'm saying he is but due to the age difference you're looking at him as he is) so is it because of your ex's history you are scrutinising this more or would you feel like this anyway? X
Firstly I want to say how much of a wonderful Mum you are. Age gaps are quite a personal thing and it's all about individual circumstances. Personally, I do not agree larger age gaps of around 4/5+ years unless the younger party is over the age of 23/24+. I was 15 when I got into a relationship with a 20 year old and it was not good. I wish my Mum had grounded me and done whatever she could to keep me away from him but she didn't because she was scared I would never come home again. There are so many women who reflect on being in relationships with older men when they were teens and most completely regret it now they have matured and seen how odd it is. It's hard to comment as I don't want to encourage anything that may result in a fallout between you and your daughter but if the relationship makes you feel uncomfortable then it probably isn't ok. Of course we are a bit more hyper-aware of predatory men due to our situations (not that I'm saying he is but due to the age difference you're looking at him as he is) so is it because of your ex's history you are scrutinising this more or would you feel like this anyway? X
Hi Tophat,
Hope you are doing ok given the circumstances. My husband and I have a very large age gap of 22 years ( I know this shocks most people) we have been together a very long time now and I have chosen to stand by him throughout this journey. However, I think you are being a fantastic mum. I love my husband very much and can't imagine my life without him but there are times when I wish I had listened to my mum over the same concerns you have. Sorry I know this isn't very helpful. Sending hugs
Hope you are doing ok given the circumstances. My husband and I have a very large age gap of 22 years ( I know this shocks most people) we have been together a very long time now and I have chosen to stand by him throughout this journey. However, I think you are being a fantastic mum. I love my husband very much and can't imagine my life without him but there are times when I wish I had listened to my mum over the same concerns you have. Sorry I know this isn't very helpful. Sending hugs
Perspectivelly to you this is a major ick and I get that especially as subconsciously you are thinking of her as a child (it can't be helped as she is your baby forever regardless of age)
however in my family there are alot of large age gaps between couples (none have had issues when younger, inappropriate behaviour or issues with family members like us here)
so as far as age gaps go in my family grandparents 15 years (both sets), parents 10 years, aunts and uncles largest gap is 25 years, siblings largest gap is 14 years.
most people do tend to go for people around the same age as themselves. But I try to think of it this way, as long as they are both adults and are in love and happy, who am I to judge. Truth be told I find more than a 10 year gap a bit ick but that's me personally.
At the end of the day you love your daughter, maybe you could try not to see an age difference but see the love/happiness instead?
however in my family there are alot of large age gaps between couples (none have had issues when younger, inappropriate behaviour or issues with family members like us here)
so as far as age gaps go in my family grandparents 15 years (both sets), parents 10 years, aunts and uncles largest gap is 25 years, siblings largest gap is 14 years.
most people do tend to go for people around the same age as themselves. But I try to think of it this way, as long as they are both adults and are in love and happy, who am I to judge. Truth be told I find more than a 10 year gap a bit ick but that's me personally.
At the end of the day you love your daughter, maybe you could try not to see an age difference but see the love/happiness instead?
I agree with the wise comments on here but would just add that you haven't said how much you've been able to get to know this man? And does he know about your ex and how that affected your daughter?
Regardless of his age, if he is keen on your daughter then he should want to get to know her family, at least a bit, once the relationship has the potential to become serious. I would be more concerned if he was avoiding that, even if your daughter has told him that you don't approve of their relationship. As a more mature person he should be able to overlook that and want to reassure you that he wants the best for your daughter.
I totally understand how an age difference is affecting you because of your experiences with your ex and I'm so impressed that you are intent on not causing your daughter any shame going into her adult life. Yet again the 'innocent ones' in these offences are having to carry ongoing burdens, and in this case it's the way something which might be totally innocent and valid is triggering you. That is NOT your fault and is exactly the same in principle as when we say on this forum how knocks on the door, for example, can trigger us.
People do talk on here about PTSD after the Knock and I wonder if talking to someone might help eg the Helpline here? I'm not saying that you're wrong about this man at all, but you seem open to working out why you feel this way and someone with more expertise than me might be able to help you have a bit more understanding about your feelings and maybe clarify if in fact there might be something unhealthy going on as a mum's spidey sense about their offspring is valid as well!
Big hugs xx
Regardless of his age, if he is keen on your daughter then he should want to get to know her family, at least a bit, once the relationship has the potential to become serious. I would be more concerned if he was avoiding that, even if your daughter has told him that you don't approve of their relationship. As a more mature person he should be able to overlook that and want to reassure you that he wants the best for your daughter.
I totally understand how an age difference is affecting you because of your experiences with your ex and I'm so impressed that you are intent on not causing your daughter any shame going into her adult life. Yet again the 'innocent ones' in these offences are having to carry ongoing burdens, and in this case it's the way something which might be totally innocent and valid is triggering you. That is NOT your fault and is exactly the same in principle as when we say on this forum how knocks on the door, for example, can trigger us.
People do talk on here about PTSD after the Knock and I wonder if talking to someone might help eg the Helpline here? I'm not saying that you're wrong about this man at all, but you seem open to working out why you feel this way and someone with more expertise than me might be able to help you have a bit more understanding about your feelings and maybe clarify if in fact there might be something unhealthy going on as a mum's spidey sense about their offspring is valid as well!
Big hugs xx
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Definitely try to meet him and weigh him up, not even just in regards to his age but as you would with any guy involved with your daughter. It is really difficult seeing the world once you've been through what we have, everyone is suspicious and everyone is capable of things we never even used to think about. Xx
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Oh TopHat - you realy REALLY need to talk all this out with someone as I can tell you're trapped inside your thoughts and fears and must be dizzy with all the mental turmoil. If your daughter could understand how you feel I bet she'd be sympathetic and not judge you. You're her mum and I guess you've had a realy loving relationship and have been through a lot together.
I don't want to sound patronising or as if I'm minimising your feelings but it really does do wonders to tell someone about our fears (as long as they're trustworthy). and there are some excellent helplines you can ring. I haven't used it myself (yet!) but I've been considering contacting Acts Fast for their trauma support. Are you feeling brave enough to contact someone like that (I know that can be tricky when we're feeling so low)? Hopefully someone with personal experience of getting help in this way will come along and encourage you on the forum.
Sending an online infusion of mental peace and a hug x
https://www.actsfast.org.uk/services
I don't want to sound patronising or as if I'm minimising your feelings but it really does do wonders to tell someone about our fears (as long as they're trustworthy). and there are some excellent helplines you can ring. I haven't used it myself (yet!) but I've been considering contacting Acts Fast for their trauma support. Are you feeling brave enough to contact someone like that (I know that can be tricky when we're feeling so low)? Hopefully someone with personal experience of getting help in this way will come along and encourage you on the forum.
Sending an online infusion of mental peace and a hug x
https://www.actsfast.org.uk/services
Hi Tophat,
sending you lots of hugs. I don't mean to sound like I'm telling you what to do or know all the details of your situation or minimise anything but my parents instantly hated my husband because of the age gap however, for me there was no way that I was going to fall out with them and choose him over them. I'm sure your daughter loves you very much. We all found a way to move forward eventually so that they were all in my life and although it was difficult at the start and I will admit lots of rows with my Parents at the start it all worked out ok. I hope you manage to speak to someone and find some peace. Sending lots of hugs xxxx
sending you lots of hugs. I don't mean to sound like I'm telling you what to do or know all the details of your situation or minimise anything but my parents instantly hated my husband because of the age gap however, for me there was no way that I was going to fall out with them and choose him over them. I'm sure your daughter loves you very much. We all found a way to move forward eventually so that they were all in my life and although it was difficult at the start and I will admit lots of rows with my Parents at the start it all worked out ok. I hope you manage to speak to someone and find some peace. Sending lots of hugs xxxx
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Hello Tophat
I am so sorry you are going through this. Anxiety is all about lack of control. So could you speak to your daughter about him. Get to know him through her? Have you seen a picture of him? Ask her to tell you about him where they met etc. Could u say you realise it is your insecurities that are making you anxious about him and nothing to do with the choice she has made. That you are still healing from the actions of the knock and it is making you question everybody not jus her boyfriend?
please look after yourself.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Anxiety is all about lack of control. So could you speak to your daughter about him. Get to know him through her? Have you seen a picture of him? Ask her to tell you about him where they met etc. Could u say you realise it is your insecurities that are making you anxious about him and nothing to do with the choice she has made. That you are still healing from the actions of the knock and it is making you question everybody not jus her boyfriend?
please look after yourself.