Guilt for leaving Mum to go to university
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Hi all,
Been looking at the forum all week and finally plucked up the courage to post on here!
My Dad was arrested beginning of July for possession of indecent images of children, obviously a very traumatic few months for all of my immediate family, at present nobody outside of my immediate family circle knows about our circumstances.
I have returned to university over the past 2 weeks for my final year and I am finding the whole experience very isolating and upsetting, I can’t speak to any of my friends about this as my Mum is terrified people will find out and I also don’t want to mix university with what is going on at home. I am already very stressed about my final year and dealing with all of this on top is proving a bit much, does anybody have any tips on how to cope with the stress and anxiety? I have good days and bad, but I feel incredibly guilty that I have left my Mum at home when I know she is really struggling but won’t speak to anyone about it. My Dad still lives at home and they have good and bad spells between them but I am struggling to feel like I am supporting my Mum enough from so far away even though I check in everyday.
Hoping maybe there is someone out there with some advice on how to deal with the guilt and that speaking to some of you very brave people might help!
Been looking at the forum all week and finally plucked up the courage to post on here!
My Dad was arrested beginning of July for possession of indecent images of children, obviously a very traumatic few months for all of my immediate family, at present nobody outside of my immediate family circle knows about our circumstances.
I have returned to university over the past 2 weeks for my final year and I am finding the whole experience very isolating and upsetting, I can’t speak to any of my friends about this as my Mum is terrified people will find out and I also don’t want to mix university with what is going on at home. I am already very stressed about my final year and dealing with all of this on top is proving a bit much, does anybody have any tips on how to cope with the stress and anxiety? I have good days and bad, but I feel incredibly guilty that I have left my Mum at home when I know she is really struggling but won’t speak to anyone about it. My Dad still lives at home and they have good and bad spells between them but I am struggling to feel like I am supporting my Mum enough from so far away even though I check in everyday.
Hoping maybe there is someone out there with some advice on how to deal with the guilt and that speaking to some of you very brave people might help!
Hi Elizabeth,
firstly well done for plucking up the courage to post here. I hope this community can be a support to you.
have you tried calling the helpline? I would recommend calling them if you feel you need to speak to someone about your situation- the staff are lovely and incredibly helpful and knowledgeable, so you may find them helpful. Your mum should also think about calling and perhaps arranging to attend an Inform course to get more support (you can do this too).
please try not to feel guilty - you and your mum are innocent parties in all this, and it sounds like you are doing everything you can to support your mum whilst not allowing his indiscretions to put your life on hold. I hope that being back at uni gives you some sense of normality, which over time will give you strength to deal with this situation.
If you’re finding you are struggling to balance what’s going on at home with your studies, then you could look into deferring. It’s usually a relatively straightforward process so long as you do it in advance of any deadlines you have (usually min. 6 weeks). You don’t have to give the uni specific details of why you’d like to defer, you just usually have one or two meetings with your course leader to discuss and make sure you understand the implications of deferring (I.e. you will graduate a year later than all your current course mates). This could be something to consider if you’re worried this whole situation might impact your grades.
I hope this is of some help xx
firstly well done for plucking up the courage to post here. I hope this community can be a support to you.
have you tried calling the helpline? I would recommend calling them if you feel you need to speak to someone about your situation- the staff are lovely and incredibly helpful and knowledgeable, so you may find them helpful. Your mum should also think about calling and perhaps arranging to attend an Inform course to get more support (you can do this too).
please try not to feel guilty - you and your mum are innocent parties in all this, and it sounds like you are doing everything you can to support your mum whilst not allowing his indiscretions to put your life on hold. I hope that being back at uni gives you some sense of normality, which over time will give you strength to deal with this situation.
If you’re finding you are struggling to balance what’s going on at home with your studies, then you could look into deferring. It’s usually a relatively straightforward process so long as you do it in advance of any deadlines you have (usually min. 6 weeks). You don’t have to give the uni specific details of why you’d like to defer, you just usually have one or two meetings with your course leader to discuss and make sure you understand the implications of deferring (I.e. you will graduate a year later than all your current course mates). This could be something to consider if you’re worried this whole situation might impact your grades.
I hope this is of some help xx
Also, if you haven’t done so yet then please consider going to speak with your gp. They can offer support with anxiety and stress management, and you can speak to them confidentially about what is going on x
Elizabeth, I know it’s difficult but I strongly recommend that you speak with your university tutor about your circumstances. My two children were in a similar situation to yours, and they both found the university staff to be both sympathetic and discreet. My elder daughter was in her final year and understandably found it difficult to concentrate on her work. When it came to a final decision concerning what class of degree to award her, consideration was given to the emotional difficulties she had experienced during the last few months, and her performance over the previous years was looked at. So she was awarded a higher class degree than if the marks she had gained in the final year were simply added to her overall performance. Good luck with it all! X
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Hi Elizabeth
I totally understand where you are coming from - whilst I have finished university I am part way through professional training whilst working full time and trying to deal with the stress of everything. Like you my dad is the issue. He has in fact been convicted and received a suspended sentence. I can totally relate to you wanting to keep it a secret, we have tried as best we can to keep it in the close family unit but unfortunately it was the subject of an article by local press. Since then I have come to realise that maybe it is best to try and talk about it. It's so horrible feeling like you are looking over your shoulder all the time, particularly as my dad has been subject to graffiti on the house and shouting in the street, but we have nothing to be ashamed of. We are one of many victims in all this.
I am going to call the helpline on Monday and hope that you can have the courage to do the same. I would also definitely say speak to your uni tutor as the uni were very helpful to me when I suffered a bereavement, not the same of course but I am sure they will be as equally supportive.
I totally understand where you are coming from - whilst I have finished university I am part way through professional training whilst working full time and trying to deal with the stress of everything. Like you my dad is the issue. He has in fact been convicted and received a suspended sentence. I can totally relate to you wanting to keep it a secret, we have tried as best we can to keep it in the close family unit but unfortunately it was the subject of an article by local press. Since then I have come to realise that maybe it is best to try and talk about it. It's so horrible feeling like you are looking over your shoulder all the time, particularly as my dad has been subject to graffiti on the house and shouting in the street, but we have nothing to be ashamed of. We are one of many victims in all this.
I am going to call the helpline on Monday and hope that you can have the courage to do the same. I would also definitely say speak to your uni tutor as the uni were very helpful to me when I suffered a bereavement, not the same of course but I am sure they will be as equally supportive.
Hi Elizabeth, my daughter is 19 and son 17, talk to the uni, they will be discreet and may also help get you some help and possibly special dispensation for your grades as they will see how it’s affecting you.
my daughter suffers from panic disorder and I know how hard it is so talk to the gp. Ours have been great.
from a mums perspective I am encouraging my kids to do what makes them happy and not put too much pressure on themselves, my son is taking his A levels and Although I’m supporting him I have advised him to take the pressure off, it’s not his only opportunity.
My daughter is also struggling but wants to support me, her boyfriends parents don’t want him at our house so she’s having to stay at his but feels guilty about not being here for me. I will tell you what I told her, knowing she loves me is enough and she is not responsible for being my carer. I want her happiness more than my own and if she is happy then I am too. I do not want her to give up her life for me, that would make the whole situation infinitely more tragic. Your mum can see her go and get help, she won’t want to put the burden on you to help her, you can support each other but please don’t feel guilty for living your life, it’s what she would want more than anything.
my daughter suffers from panic disorder and I know how hard it is so talk to the gp. Ours have been great.
from a mums perspective I am encouraging my kids to do what makes them happy and not put too much pressure on themselves, my son is taking his A levels and Although I’m supporting him I have advised him to take the pressure off, it’s not his only opportunity.
My daughter is also struggling but wants to support me, her boyfriends parents don’t want him at our house so she’s having to stay at his but feels guilty about not being here for me. I will tell you what I told her, knowing she loves me is enough and she is not responsible for being my carer. I want her happiness more than my own and if she is happy then I am too. I do not want her to give up her life for me, that would make the whole situation infinitely more tragic. Your mum can see her go and get help, she won’t want to put the burden on you to help her, you can support each other but please don’t feel guilty for living your life, it’s what she would want more than anything.