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Hi everyone,
The knock on our door came on Monday, so 4 days ago. I'm in utter shock and my mental/physical health are all over the place. I'm hoping maybe for some advice on how to cope in these early days and any particular advice for my situation.
To explain his offence... my OH was arrested under suspicion of downloading IIOC. He admitted guilt and has been released under investigation with all of his devices seized. He told me everything when he got home and I believe he's telling the whole truth. It sounds like this is a very common reason but essentially he became addicted to porn when he was single many years ago and then gradually needed more and more stimulation resulting in him looking for more extreme porn. He feels immense shame and used to go through cycles of deleting it all, not looking at anything and then relapsing. He believes he's not sexually attracted to children and would never do anything or feel that way around children in real life. Although I am struggling to get my head around how that can be the case and find myself occassionally imagining what he did and feeling sick and shakey with repulsion that the person I love could do such a thing.
I've told him I may not stay with him and I need time to work that out. He's devastated about the idea of losing me and starting to grasp the impact his actions have (and will have) on me and everyone else in his life. I do still feel like I love him and we've been talking about our relationship and emotions so much in the last few days it feels as if our relationship could be better were it not for the fact we have to now live with all of this.
The police were amazingly supportive and I cannot tell you how kind and empathetic they have been to both me and him. He keeps feeling like he doesn't deserve their kindness or mine. This does at least slightly minimise the replaying in my head of the moment it was revealed to me but it does all still feel traumatic.
Now in terms of our situation, we bought a house together last year and have spent the last 6 months trying for a baby (as far as I'm aware without success although I won't know for certain for another couple of weeks). I'm 36 and thought I'd finally found my person who I wanted to have children with and be with for the rest of my life. I was initially angry that he would be willing to have children with me knowing what he'd been doing secretly, but I am starting to grasp that he genuinely believes he would never be a risk to children in real life. I still love him and am finding it immensely hard to adjust to the idea that I may now never have children if I choose to stay with him. On top of that, I'm conscious of my age and I also have endometriosis which could affect my fertility so even if I left him I may never have children anyway (bearing in mind the time it could take for me to recover mentally and then meet someone new). I have wanted children so badly in the last few months and my mind has just been focused on preparing for that. For now I've told him I don't want to have children with him anymore although in truth I still do deep down but I currently feel that it would be wrong to knowingly bring a child into this situation. It feels like I was travelling at 80mph (towards having children) and a road block has been suddenly thrown in front of me and now I've got to reverse (to accept I may no longer have children at all).
In terms of support, I've told 2 close friends and that is it. One of whom was initially non-judgemental and supportive but became more vocal/judgemental with her own feelings after she'd had time to think. The other is actually a GP and certainly put on a good poker face as she's clearly been trained, but I know she's busy with her own life to balance than support me as much as I might need. I can't decide whether to tell my parents, they've been on holiday until today so I didn't want to ruin that anyway and I'm scared of their reaction primarily because I think they'll want me to leave him and right now I don't know if that's what I want to do or be able to listen to their judgement. My OH doesn't want me to tell them because he's terrified he won't ever be able to look them in the eye again. I also have a brother who has a little girl and I feel certain I can never tell him, but if I stay with my partner I would have to forever find an excuse why my OH could never meet up with him if my niece is there. Also, every single one of my friends have children so likewise he would never again be able to come with me to social events because if they ever found out and I had let him anywhere near their children (supervised of course) I think I would lose their friendships forever.
At the moment because my OH also doesn't want to tell his parents, I am the only person he's got who knows. He has only one good friend (the rest are just aquaintences) and he doesn't feel like he can tell him for various reasons. He is normally very close to his parents, seeing them very frequently, but he has had a history of a difficult relationship with his dad (who is quick to fly off the handle or give us both the silent treatment for the slightest of disagreements), so he believes they may disown him and I actually have no idea if he might be right. As a result, I just want to take care of him and be there for him, but this is so difficult to do when I am struggling with my own emotions about it all. He is devastated, he already suffered with anxiety and now doesn't want to leave the house for fear that people are watching him and that everyone somehow knows. I think it would be potentially useful for me to have space from him but unless I tell my parents I wouldn't have somewhere to go and even if I did I would be scared about how he would cope without me here and whether he might get suicidal.
I'm sorry this is long but I wanted to give as much background as possible. We have both called the Stop It Now Helpline and they've told me I should just take one day at a time and try to restrict talking to him about it to only an hour a day. This is easier said than done given we've both been signed off work for 2 weeks and in the house together not knowing what to do with ourselves. So far the only thing I can do is watch endless episodes of Friends as some sort of comfort blanket, but I find myself getting twitchy and stressed if I'm not thinking about it or just pushing it down.
On top of all that, I had my cat put down 3 days before his arrest and also feel gutted and guilty that my heartbreak over her death has now been completely replaced with this apart from the occassional moments that a bit of my grief for her seeps in.
Thank you in advance for any help or advice you can give.
The knock on our door came on Monday, so 4 days ago. I'm in utter shock and my mental/physical health are all over the place. I'm hoping maybe for some advice on how to cope in these early days and any particular advice for my situation.
To explain his offence... my OH was arrested under suspicion of downloading IIOC. He admitted guilt and has been released under investigation with all of his devices seized. He told me everything when he got home and I believe he's telling the whole truth. It sounds like this is a very common reason but essentially he became addicted to porn when he was single many years ago and then gradually needed more and more stimulation resulting in him looking for more extreme porn. He feels immense shame and used to go through cycles of deleting it all, not looking at anything and then relapsing. He believes he's not sexually attracted to children and would never do anything or feel that way around children in real life. Although I am struggling to get my head around how that can be the case and find myself occassionally imagining what he did and feeling sick and shakey with repulsion that the person I love could do such a thing.
I've told him I may not stay with him and I need time to work that out. He's devastated about the idea of losing me and starting to grasp the impact his actions have (and will have) on me and everyone else in his life. I do still feel like I love him and we've been talking about our relationship and emotions so much in the last few days it feels as if our relationship could be better were it not for the fact we have to now live with all of this.
The police were amazingly supportive and I cannot tell you how kind and empathetic they have been to both me and him. He keeps feeling like he doesn't deserve their kindness or mine. This does at least slightly minimise the replaying in my head of the moment it was revealed to me but it does all still feel traumatic.
Now in terms of our situation, we bought a house together last year and have spent the last 6 months trying for a baby (as far as I'm aware without success although I won't know for certain for another couple of weeks). I'm 36 and thought I'd finally found my person who I wanted to have children with and be with for the rest of my life. I was initially angry that he would be willing to have children with me knowing what he'd been doing secretly, but I am starting to grasp that he genuinely believes he would never be a risk to children in real life. I still love him and am finding it immensely hard to adjust to the idea that I may now never have children if I choose to stay with him. On top of that, I'm conscious of my age and I also have endometriosis which could affect my fertility so even if I left him I may never have children anyway (bearing in mind the time it could take for me to recover mentally and then meet someone new). I have wanted children so badly in the last few months and my mind has just been focused on preparing for that. For now I've told him I don't want to have children with him anymore although in truth I still do deep down but I currently feel that it would be wrong to knowingly bring a child into this situation. It feels like I was travelling at 80mph (towards having children) and a road block has been suddenly thrown in front of me and now I've got to reverse (to accept I may no longer have children at all).
In terms of support, I've told 2 close friends and that is it. One of whom was initially non-judgemental and supportive but became more vocal/judgemental with her own feelings after she'd had time to think. The other is actually a GP and certainly put on a good poker face as she's clearly been trained, but I know she's busy with her own life to balance than support me as much as I might need. I can't decide whether to tell my parents, they've been on holiday until today so I didn't want to ruin that anyway and I'm scared of their reaction primarily because I think they'll want me to leave him and right now I don't know if that's what I want to do or be able to listen to their judgement. My OH doesn't want me to tell them because he's terrified he won't ever be able to look them in the eye again. I also have a brother who has a little girl and I feel certain I can never tell him, but if I stay with my partner I would have to forever find an excuse why my OH could never meet up with him if my niece is there. Also, every single one of my friends have children so likewise he would never again be able to come with me to social events because if they ever found out and I had let him anywhere near their children (supervised of course) I think I would lose their friendships forever.
At the moment because my OH also doesn't want to tell his parents, I am the only person he's got who knows. He has only one good friend (the rest are just aquaintences) and he doesn't feel like he can tell him for various reasons. He is normally very close to his parents, seeing them very frequently, but he has had a history of a difficult relationship with his dad (who is quick to fly off the handle or give us both the silent treatment for the slightest of disagreements), so he believes they may disown him and I actually have no idea if he might be right. As a result, I just want to take care of him and be there for him, but this is so difficult to do when I am struggling with my own emotions about it all. He is devastated, he already suffered with anxiety and now doesn't want to leave the house for fear that people are watching him and that everyone somehow knows. I think it would be potentially useful for me to have space from him but unless I tell my parents I wouldn't have somewhere to go and even if I did I would be scared about how he would cope without me here and whether he might get suicidal.
I'm sorry this is long but I wanted to give as much background as possible. We have both called the Stop It Now Helpline and they've told me I should just take one day at a time and try to restrict talking to him about it to only an hour a day. This is easier said than done given we've both been signed off work for 2 weeks and in the house together not knowing what to do with ourselves. So far the only thing I can do is watch endless episodes of Friends as some sort of comfort blanket, but I find myself getting twitchy and stressed if I'm not thinking about it or just pushing it down.
On top of all that, I had my cat put down 3 days before his arrest and also feel gutted and guilty that my heartbreak over her death has now been completely replaced with this apart from the occassional moments that a bit of my grief for her seeps in.
Thank you in advance for any help or advice you can give.
Whisp - my heart goes out to you. I'm only a few weeks into this horrendous journey myself. I can remember all too well those first days. It will get easier.... I didn't believe that at the start but it does. One day at a time is good advice. I also binged on mindless tv.... It helped and still does. My advice is don't tell anyone unless you have to.... You can never untell. I had to tell my adult children as there are grandchildren involved. There were mixed reactions and I wish I'd never had to tell them. I am coping by preparing for the worst whilst hoping for the best, being as proactive as I can e.g doing the Inform course, reading about understanding porn addiction, phoning the helpline when I need to talk. My oh is doing the same. He is also getting counselling for porn addiction. Hang on in there and do what is best for you. You don't have to decide anything straight away. I too still love my oh, we've been together for nearly 50 years. I have decided to stand by him. Whatever you decide it is your choice to make. Be kind to yourself. You have done nothing wrong xx
Whisp, my heart breaks for you. I'm not going to give you advice on what to do, I'm just going to give you my perspective.
We are 13 months post knock. He has been charged and sentenced, which is very quick, but I think that due to the small number of images involved in his case.
I personally envy women on this journey who do not have children, because having SS involvement in my children's lives has by far been the worst, most traumatic part for me. Knowing what I know now, I would never intentionally have children in a situation that would result in SS involvement and having children with someone on SOR would result in that.
That said, giving up the prospect of having children is a massive sacrifice. I love my OH and have chosen to standby him, but I don't believe that he is deserving of sacrifice on my part.
I would just say, be careful that you don't make a decision that you either regret or end up resenting him for.
It will get easier and you will get stronger x
We are 13 months post knock. He has been charged and sentenced, which is very quick, but I think that due to the small number of images involved in his case.
I personally envy women on this journey who do not have children, because having SS involvement in my children's lives has by far been the worst, most traumatic part for me. Knowing what I know now, I would never intentionally have children in a situation that would result in SS involvement and having children with someone on SOR would result in that.
That said, giving up the prospect of having children is a massive sacrifice. I love my OH and have chosen to standby him, but I don't believe that he is deserving of sacrifice on my part.
I would just say, be careful that you don't make a decision that you either regret or end up resenting him for.
It will get easier and you will get stronger x
Hi Whisp, my heart goes out to you as you are describing exactly my feelings 6 months ago apart from the fact that it's our adult son who's offended. His background is nothing like your OH's but because of his domestic situation we constantly worried that one day he would crack under the strain whilst not having a clue about his online behaviour. I'm not making any excuse for that but do see his home life as a possible reason why he used porn to start with and the help he's now getting will explore that. I know your OH's background is different but the way you describe things is so similaar to lots of stories on here, that these men often have no interest in children but went down a rabbit hole of opportunity because of vulnerabilities.
Anyway, I wanted to echo what Numb has said in her post about coping. Good advice there. Mindless TV is my escape too but I've had to be careful what I watch as so much stuff has triggers in it. Getting out for a walk every day is good advice too and really does clear your thoughts temporarily.
The parents scenario is tricky and only you can decide whether and what to tell them. Because of his wife's own issues as well as our son's offending our grandsons are now on a Child Protection Plan with our son's wife not allowed to be on her own with the children so her family have had to find out to deal with that. And of course we know as our son is living with us now. I believe that if your OH is likely to come into contact with family who are under 18 then sometimes the police will decide to inform them about your OH. hopefully giving you a chance to tell them first, so be aware of that in your decision making.
As for the police, we thought our son was so lucky to have his OIC as he was treated in such a friendly and respectful manner at first, and the social worker assigned to our grandchildren told us how amazing this OIC was. So when I read on here that people advised people not to trust the police I was relieved ours was different. Famous last words on that as we have had more upset and frustrations from the police than anything else with errors in admin and lying about whose fault it was, ignoring important emails/voicemails, making threats, saying our son is thinking of breaking his bail conditions simply because he asked a couple of questions about how to interpret them correctly, threatening to send our local police round to do regular random checks at our address; the list goes on, and we honestly haven't been anything but helpful! And because the police hold all the cards and because our son is absolutely guilty of the charges we just have to suck it up! I do hope your police officers are good'uns but would really advise you to take care. It's hard if you're a naturally friendly and open person but at the moment they really are not your friends (and I hate saying that as my OH is a retired police officer!)
I'm so sorry about your cat - I'm wondering if your loss of future plans feels similar to losing your kitty. Do keep reading and posting on here as it's such a lifeline and it's true that those going in front can pull along those coming along behind us on this harrowing journey xxx
Anyway, I wanted to echo what Numb has said in her post about coping. Good advice there. Mindless TV is my escape too but I've had to be careful what I watch as so much stuff has triggers in it. Getting out for a walk every day is good advice too and really does clear your thoughts temporarily.
The parents scenario is tricky and only you can decide whether and what to tell them. Because of his wife's own issues as well as our son's offending our grandsons are now on a Child Protection Plan with our son's wife not allowed to be on her own with the children so her family have had to find out to deal with that. And of course we know as our son is living with us now. I believe that if your OH is likely to come into contact with family who are under 18 then sometimes the police will decide to inform them about your OH. hopefully giving you a chance to tell them first, so be aware of that in your decision making.
As for the police, we thought our son was so lucky to have his OIC as he was treated in such a friendly and respectful manner at first, and the social worker assigned to our grandchildren told us how amazing this OIC was. So when I read on here that people advised people not to trust the police I was relieved ours was different. Famous last words on that as we have had more upset and frustrations from the police than anything else with errors in admin and lying about whose fault it was, ignoring important emails/voicemails, making threats, saying our son is thinking of breaking his bail conditions simply because he asked a couple of questions about how to interpret them correctly, threatening to send our local police round to do regular random checks at our address; the list goes on, and we honestly haven't been anything but helpful! And because the police hold all the cards and because our son is absolutely guilty of the charges we just have to suck it up! I do hope your police officers are good'uns but would really advise you to take care. It's hard if you're a naturally friendly and open person but at the moment they really are not your friends (and I hate saying that as my OH is a retired police officer!)
I'm so sorry about your cat - I'm wondering if your loss of future plans feels similar to losing your kitty. Do keep reading and posting on here as it's such a lifeline and it's true that those going in front can pull along those coming along behind us on this harrowing journey xxx
Hello Whisp
I'm so sorry you've found yourself joining our community. We are 5 months into this nightmare now and the mess it has already caused is terrifying and depressing. We've told very few people. A couple of close friends and our employers but that's it.
I don't really have any advice but I wanted to add my hearfelt condolences on the loss of your kitty. I am a cat "mum" and my fur-baby is such a comfort to me, especially now. There is never a good time for the Knock but for it to have come so soon after such an upsetting event, must make it even more raw.
Look after yourself (easier said than done, I know) and don't make any rushed decisions. Give yourself a chance to get use to your new "normal" and see how you feel.
Hugs x
I'm so sorry you've found yourself joining our community. We are 5 months into this nightmare now and the mess it has already caused is terrifying and depressing. We've told very few people. A couple of close friends and our employers but that's it.
I don't really have any advice but I wanted to add my hearfelt condolences on the loss of your kitty. I am a cat "mum" and my fur-baby is such a comfort to me, especially now. There is never a good time for the Knock but for it to have come so soon after such an upsetting event, must make it even more raw.
Look after yourself (easier said than done, I know) and don't make any rushed decisions. Give yourself a chance to get use to your new "normal" and see how you feel.
Hugs x
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Please just be careful.... it sounds to me like you're worrying more about him than he is you. Put yourself first, he did this not you. My only advice is look at the future you want and if he's ruined that , look elsewhere... you're still young xx
Hi there and welcome to the club noone wants to be in . I'm 7 months post sentencing, my person was communication so different but the same feels . I'm so so sorry about your furr baby . I have 2 that are family , plus I lost my sister 6 weeks B4 the knock so it's double greiving and took a lot of strength to get over , I'm over the worst but the truama still haunts me . I went back to work just after knock and I found it extremely helpful as noone knew and I could just leave my stuff at the door on the way in and pick it up on the way out . Ring your GP also for further help. Mine was amazing. Take one day at a time , you don't have to make any decisions right now or tell anyone, you'll put extra pressure on yourself. Don't trust the cops . Ever . They want convictions . It's a good start you've both rang helpline especially your person . You're gonna be in limbo for a long time so no need to rush anything. I can't advise about a baby as I've had very different experience with SS . Be kind to yourself and put you first . Noone else . When I had difficult questions to ask my person I wrote him a letter and he wrote one back which I read alone and apart from him so I could get my head around the answers. You can and you will get through this ! Be strong we are here for you x
Hi Whisp, my heart goes out to you. Just take it one day at a time. We're only a few weeks in ourselves and feeling like we're in limbo. Don't worry about telling people. We have only told a handful of people. As I work in a school, I had to tell the DSL even though I'm not pupil-facing. They have been very supportive.
As we have a 15 year old daughter, my OH can't sleep here which is hard. I'm standing by my OH and being supportive but it upsets me every time I think about how it got so bad for this to happen. We have only just told our 18 year daughter last weekend. He didn't want to tell her because she has her own mental health problems with self-harming and suicide attempts. She had moved out a few months ago to live with her boyfriend but had a falling out with him so back home for a couple of days. She coped really well though. My OH's parents are no longer with us and we haven't told my parents as my mum has just been diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's.
As we have a 15 year old daughter, my OH can't sleep here which is hard. I'm standing by my OH and being supportive but it upsets me every time I think about how it got so bad for this to happen. We have only just told our 18 year daughter last weekend. He didn't want to tell her because she has her own mental health problems with self-harming and suicide attempts. She had moved out a few months ago to live with her boyfriend but had a falling out with him so back home for a couple of days. She coped really well though. My OH's parents are no longer with us and we haven't told my parents as my mum has just been diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's.
I honestly can't thank you all enough for your responses. Each and every one of you has given me some small comfort to know that I'm not alone and your kind words just warmed my heart a little and made me feel a bit stronger. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
It's a week today since the knock and everything feels so very raw again for me. I felt a bit triggered by the bin collection this morning because I heard them outside when the knock happened last week. I think the anxiety medication my OH is now on has possibly started working because he's now just constantly numb, but I'm finding it hard to be around him when he's like that because it feels partly like I've lost him already as he's not himself and mostly silent.
I've requested counselling through StopSO and likewise my OH has submitted the request for himself too.
Your comment about not being able to untell someone has stuck with me. Although I am starting to really think I need to tell my parents just for my own sanity and support. But then the idea of telling them is filling me with really bad anxiety and knowing I'll have to go through the pain of reliving it all just to tell them about it, let alone to know what their reaction will be.
Thanks for your perspective about SS involvement and that I need to consider whether he's deserving of the sacrifice of not ever having children. I hadn't thought of it like that. I definitely think it's just too unfair on a child to bring them into this situation, and unfair on me to be honest.
I hadn't even really considered that the police aren't our friends. They have seemed so friendly and I suppose I trust people too easily, but they are just doing their job aren't they. I did sense when they popped round the other day to return my OH's devices (the ones that had nothing on) that they didn't have as much patience with us as before.
Thanks also for your comments about my kitty, it is an extra heartache I really wish I wasn't having to deal with at the same time. Whenever I was upset I used to always spend time with her as she'd ground me and comfort me, so not having her comfort has been an extra sting.
The main thing I'm struggling with at the moment is simply whether I stay with him or not. I am aware that I could escape all of what is to follow and the scary future if I just left him, but it doesn't feel simple at all. It's like my head knows the sensible decision to make, but my heart doesn't want that. And how can someone follow their head when their heart isn't in it? He was my person and I started building a life with him that it never crossed my mind I would lose. I don't know how I can make the decision, but I am scared that we would never find happiness together again anyway because we're both just so distraught and scarred from this now. I don't know how I'd trust him or move forward. All the other 'normal' things in life now just feel meaningless.
It's a week today since the knock and everything feels so very raw again for me. I felt a bit triggered by the bin collection this morning because I heard them outside when the knock happened last week. I think the anxiety medication my OH is now on has possibly started working because he's now just constantly numb, but I'm finding it hard to be around him when he's like that because it feels partly like I've lost him already as he's not himself and mostly silent.
I've requested counselling through StopSO and likewise my OH has submitted the request for himself too.
Your comment about not being able to untell someone has stuck with me. Although I am starting to really think I need to tell my parents just for my own sanity and support. But then the idea of telling them is filling me with really bad anxiety and knowing I'll have to go through the pain of reliving it all just to tell them about it, let alone to know what their reaction will be.
Thanks for your perspective about SS involvement and that I need to consider whether he's deserving of the sacrifice of not ever having children. I hadn't thought of it like that. I definitely think it's just too unfair on a child to bring them into this situation, and unfair on me to be honest.
I hadn't even really considered that the police aren't our friends. They have seemed so friendly and I suppose I trust people too easily, but they are just doing their job aren't they. I did sense when they popped round the other day to return my OH's devices (the ones that had nothing on) that they didn't have as much patience with us as before.
Thanks also for your comments about my kitty, it is an extra heartache I really wish I wasn't having to deal with at the same time. Whenever I was upset I used to always spend time with her as she'd ground me and comfort me, so not having her comfort has been an extra sting.
The main thing I'm struggling with at the moment is simply whether I stay with him or not. I am aware that I could escape all of what is to follow and the scary future if I just left him, but it doesn't feel simple at all. It's like my head knows the sensible decision to make, but my heart doesn't want that. And how can someone follow their head when their heart isn't in it? He was my person and I started building a life with him that it never crossed my mind I would lose. I don't know how I can make the decision, but I am scared that we would never find happiness together again anyway because we're both just so distraught and scarred from this now. I don't know how I'd trust him or move forward. All the other 'normal' things in life now just feel meaningless.