At the end: Hope for others
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Hi all.
I've not been on the forum much recently as a lot has happened in the last couple of months and its just been really overwhelming. I wanted to share my story and give a little bit of hope to all you other strong, amazing ladies who find yourselves in this awful club that no one wants to be a member of.
We had the knock on 13th April 2021. Possibly the worst day of my life. Our IP address had been linked to IIOC. Devices taken and husband arrested and released under investigation. We have 2 daughters, who were 3 and 6 at the time so SS made him move out of our family home. Kids were only allowed to see him in a public place which was utterly heartbreaking, expensive and impractical.
Husband confessed everything to me 3 weeks in. Told me he had a porn addiction that had escalated to accessing images of post pubescent females. He also told me he had been sexually abused by a man when he was 7 and saw him in our local town centre about 5 years prior which was the start of his spiraling mental health problems. Until this point he'd buried his trauma and never told a soul. I convinced him to start weekly therapy sessions to help him through everything luckily paid for by very close family friends. He was getting help and someone to talk to, I was a mess.
In June 2021 SS allowed him to move home as the police had given him no conditions, however it would be on the condition that I supervised him at all times. For those of you who have been in this position you know how hard it is, especially with 2 active children. I became a prisoner in my own home, not being able to go out, have the privacy I needed to shower, go to the toilet or even be unwell. I had to be with them ALL the time when he was around. However, my kids were just so happy that he was home and even though I didn't think for a minute he'd do anything to harm our beautiful girls, I stuck to the rules to the detriment of my own mental well being in the hope that if we did everything that was asked of us the whole thing would just go away.
In July 2021, the police said they had found concerning things on our laptop and they would be calling him in for a second interview once the last mobile phone was back.
It took another 17 months from that point plus a complaint to the police commission from me, to get the phone back and report written up. After all that it had nothing on it, which my husband had said all along. In those long 17 months the kids were put on a CPP in which we had to sit in a face to face ICPC for 2 hours which was incredibly traumatic, and my dad had major surgery to repair a abdominal aortic aneurysm which was awful as I couldn't leave the kids to visit him in ICU. I felt so helpless.
He finally had his 2nd interview on 26th January 2023. He was completely honest with the police and told them everything. He then reported the man who abused him as a child in Feb 2023. The man has since been interviewed and of course denied everything and the investigation into historic sexual abuse is ongoing.
First court date was 30th March 2023 which was adjourned for pre sentencing and he was finally sentenced on 11th May 2023. He got 2 year suspended sentence, 5 years SHPO, 10 years SOR for making (I hate the term 'making') IIOC - 20 CAT A, 48 CAT B, 400 CAT C - a mixture of still and moving images.
Throughout the last 2 and a bit years we've put our relationship on hold. We've lived one day at a time surviving each day and each hurdle one at a time. Our children have been protected from the whole thing. They are unaware of the devastation this crime has caused their parents and wider family. They are happy and healthy and no SW, school or any professional has had any concern for their well being at any point before or during this time.
He has started inform plus and as part of probation has to attend ihorizon which he is awaiting a start date. We have both engaged with the professionals (albeit difficult at times) and we have done everything possible to keep the children safe as well as understand the risks and victim impact of this awful crime. I have never condoned my husbands behaviour, far from it, however I had too much to lose to walk away. He is also a victim and needs my support. I feel so damaged and hurt and still can't get my head around 'why that?' I don't even think he knows.
We had a core group meeting in June and the SW and her manager agreed he could have unsupervised contact with the kids which was a massive milestone. This is because they have no concerns about our children and he will continue to be monitored by probation and MAPPA team.
On Wednesday this week we had our RCPC and it was decided that CS have no concerns and our case should now be closed. Our SW is coming next week to have a goodbye meeting with the children.
I've found it extremely difficult at times, been close to walking away from him, had arguments in my head with myself about if I should live or die, those were some really really dark days over the 2 week Christmas break just gone. I've felt ashamed of staying with him, I've felt sad, angry, confused and just about every emotion going. We worried for weeks wondering if his court case would hit the media and everyone would find out...thank goodness it didn't.
I've lost 2 close friends over this because they just can't get their heads around it and I guess just think he is a P word. Thank goodness I have had other incredibly supportive and non-judgemental friends who have picked me up and put me back together again when I've crashed. I have 2 amazing daughters who have kept me going when I have wanted to give up and if it weren't for them I'm pretty sure I would have given into those dark thoughts over Christmas.
We've got into debt over extra childcare costs so that I can continue working, We've cried (ALOT) and I am now suffering with PTSD because of the trauma.
I would love to say I am happy whilst writing this because finally it seems we're at the end, but I'm just an empty vulnerable shell of the person I was. I feel guilty that I'm not jumping for joy that SS are almost out of our lives but i still have to live the next 10 years knowing my husband is on the SOR and this has happened to us, although I made the decision to stay together so this is something I just have to get used to.
However, I've started my own therapy now, he is a changed person, we are so open and honest with each other and communicate more than we ever did, the kids are loving spending time with their dad and I now feel that when the SW leaves our house on Wednesday next week, it will be day 0 of our new normal.
My story shows others that it is possible to stay together as a family but you will use every last bit of strength possible to do it. I know that I am so lucky to have got through to the other side and look to the future but I would have been luckier never to have been through 27 months of hell in the first place.
This forum has been a saviour to me at times and also a trigger to my worries and concerns. However, the community on here is amazing and has stopped me feeling like I am the only person on this Earth living this secret other life. Thank you to each and every one of you who has talked about your experiences, reached out to me and also given me advice....it really really has meant a lot on those dark lonely days.
My only wish now is that something more is done to prevent these crimes from happening in the first place. There should be more awareness of the dangers of the internet for adults. I wish there was more support put in place for family members, starting on the day of the knock. We are just as much victims of this crime and are left to continue life and hold everything together when our whole lives are turned upside-down. Something needs to change, my heart breaks everytime I see a new member joining our club :-(
Keep strong beautiful ladies.
Lois x
I've not been on the forum much recently as a lot has happened in the last couple of months and its just been really overwhelming. I wanted to share my story and give a little bit of hope to all you other strong, amazing ladies who find yourselves in this awful club that no one wants to be a member of.
We had the knock on 13th April 2021. Possibly the worst day of my life. Our IP address had been linked to IIOC. Devices taken and husband arrested and released under investigation. We have 2 daughters, who were 3 and 6 at the time so SS made him move out of our family home. Kids were only allowed to see him in a public place which was utterly heartbreaking, expensive and impractical.
Husband confessed everything to me 3 weeks in. Told me he had a porn addiction that had escalated to accessing images of post pubescent females. He also told me he had been sexually abused by a man when he was 7 and saw him in our local town centre about 5 years prior which was the start of his spiraling mental health problems. Until this point he'd buried his trauma and never told a soul. I convinced him to start weekly therapy sessions to help him through everything luckily paid for by very close family friends. He was getting help and someone to talk to, I was a mess.
In June 2021 SS allowed him to move home as the police had given him no conditions, however it would be on the condition that I supervised him at all times. For those of you who have been in this position you know how hard it is, especially with 2 active children. I became a prisoner in my own home, not being able to go out, have the privacy I needed to shower, go to the toilet or even be unwell. I had to be with them ALL the time when he was around. However, my kids were just so happy that he was home and even though I didn't think for a minute he'd do anything to harm our beautiful girls, I stuck to the rules to the detriment of my own mental well being in the hope that if we did everything that was asked of us the whole thing would just go away.
In July 2021, the police said they had found concerning things on our laptop and they would be calling him in for a second interview once the last mobile phone was back.
It took another 17 months from that point plus a complaint to the police commission from me, to get the phone back and report written up. After all that it had nothing on it, which my husband had said all along. In those long 17 months the kids were put on a CPP in which we had to sit in a face to face ICPC for 2 hours which was incredibly traumatic, and my dad had major surgery to repair a abdominal aortic aneurysm which was awful as I couldn't leave the kids to visit him in ICU. I felt so helpless.
He finally had his 2nd interview on 26th January 2023. He was completely honest with the police and told them everything. He then reported the man who abused him as a child in Feb 2023. The man has since been interviewed and of course denied everything and the investigation into historic sexual abuse is ongoing.
First court date was 30th March 2023 which was adjourned for pre sentencing and he was finally sentenced on 11th May 2023. He got 2 year suspended sentence, 5 years SHPO, 10 years SOR for making (I hate the term 'making') IIOC - 20 CAT A, 48 CAT B, 400 CAT C - a mixture of still and moving images.
Throughout the last 2 and a bit years we've put our relationship on hold. We've lived one day at a time surviving each day and each hurdle one at a time. Our children have been protected from the whole thing. They are unaware of the devastation this crime has caused their parents and wider family. They are happy and healthy and no SW, school or any professional has had any concern for their well being at any point before or during this time.
He has started inform plus and as part of probation has to attend ihorizon which he is awaiting a start date. We have both engaged with the professionals (albeit difficult at times) and we have done everything possible to keep the children safe as well as understand the risks and victim impact of this awful crime. I have never condoned my husbands behaviour, far from it, however I had too much to lose to walk away. He is also a victim and needs my support. I feel so damaged and hurt and still can't get my head around 'why that?' I don't even think he knows.
We had a core group meeting in June and the SW and her manager agreed he could have unsupervised contact with the kids which was a massive milestone. This is because they have no concerns about our children and he will continue to be monitored by probation and MAPPA team.
On Wednesday this week we had our RCPC and it was decided that CS have no concerns and our case should now be closed. Our SW is coming next week to have a goodbye meeting with the children.
I've found it extremely difficult at times, been close to walking away from him, had arguments in my head with myself about if I should live or die, those were some really really dark days over the 2 week Christmas break just gone. I've felt ashamed of staying with him, I've felt sad, angry, confused and just about every emotion going. We worried for weeks wondering if his court case would hit the media and everyone would find out...thank goodness it didn't.
I've lost 2 close friends over this because they just can't get their heads around it and I guess just think he is a P word. Thank goodness I have had other incredibly supportive and non-judgemental friends who have picked me up and put me back together again when I've crashed. I have 2 amazing daughters who have kept me going when I have wanted to give up and if it weren't for them I'm pretty sure I would have given into those dark thoughts over Christmas.
We've got into debt over extra childcare costs so that I can continue working, We've cried (ALOT) and I am now suffering with PTSD because of the trauma.
I would love to say I am happy whilst writing this because finally it seems we're at the end, but I'm just an empty vulnerable shell of the person I was. I feel guilty that I'm not jumping for joy that SS are almost out of our lives but i still have to live the next 10 years knowing my husband is on the SOR and this has happened to us, although I made the decision to stay together so this is something I just have to get used to.
However, I've started my own therapy now, he is a changed person, we are so open and honest with each other and communicate more than we ever did, the kids are loving spending time with their dad and I now feel that when the SW leaves our house on Wednesday next week, it will be day 0 of our new normal.
My story shows others that it is possible to stay together as a family but you will use every last bit of strength possible to do it. I know that I am so lucky to have got through to the other side and look to the future but I would have been luckier never to have been through 27 months of hell in the first place.
This forum has been a saviour to me at times and also a trigger to my worries and concerns. However, the community on here is amazing and has stopped me feeling like I am the only person on this Earth living this secret other life. Thank you to each and every one of you who has talked about your experiences, reached out to me and also given me advice....it really really has meant a lot on those dark lonely days.
My only wish now is that something more is done to prevent these crimes from happening in the first place. There should be more awareness of the dangers of the internet for adults. I wish there was more support put in place for family members, starting on the day of the knock. We are just as much victims of this crime and are left to continue life and hold everything together when our whole lives are turned upside-down. Something needs to change, my heart breaks everytime I see a new member joining our club :-(
Keep strong beautiful ladies.
Lois x
Lois x
Wow what a heartfelt post thank you for sharing x
You should be incredibly proud of how far you have all come on this horrendous journey
I can't imagine how difficult it has been having children x for me it is my son who offended
We do loose who we are due to.the trauma of this but take a deep breath and look how far you have come x
If I had one thing to say to would be
We cannot control this journey, we have no say in who stays or who chooses to leave but we can control our own decisions and if its right then sod what others think they will have there own opinions but you have gotten through the worst so do what you feel is right x we have one shot of this life, you are incredibly strong never forget that xx
Wow what a heartfelt post thank you for sharing x
You should be incredibly proud of how far you have all come on this horrendous journey
I can't imagine how difficult it has been having children x for me it is my son who offended
We do loose who we are due to.the trauma of this but take a deep breath and look how far you have come x
If I had one thing to say to would be
We cannot control this journey, we have no say in who stays or who chooses to leave but we can control our own decisions and if its right then sod what others think they will have there own opinions but you have gotten through the worst so do what you feel is right x we have one shot of this life, you are incredibly strong never forget that xx
Thank you for sharing i know it is hard but give me a hope...I am so scared that I will lose this soon but not yet xxx
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Thank you for your post, I'm happy that your near the end.
It has given me some hope that we might be able to stay together. My partner is still at home and I'm supervising contact with out children and totally relate it feels like I'm in a prison in my own home.
We are 21 month in and waiting for the 2nd interview noone seems to be in a hurry to call him back in. I feel sick most days waiting for that phone or knock. I don't know about the rest of you but I feel like I have a label on my head and everyone who sees us know (sounds silly)
I'm grateful for his group I only joined in May but reading people's post on helping me. Xxx
It has given me some hope that we might be able to stay together. My partner is still at home and I'm supervising contact with out children and totally relate it feels like I'm in a prison in my own home.
We are 21 month in and waiting for the 2nd interview noone seems to be in a hurry to call him back in. I feel sick most days waiting for that phone or knock. I don't know about the rest of you but I feel like I have a label on my head and everyone who sees us know (sounds silly)
I'm grateful for his group I only joined in May but reading people's post on helping me. Xxx
Such a brilliant, hopeful and inspiring post, your man is so lucky to have you by his side. You have been through hell by the sounds of it and so deserve peace in your life. We'll done to you all
I think as there are warnings out there as regards the dangers of children being on line why not information about the consequences of adults viewing inappropriate material? Anything is better than nothing......
I think as there are warnings out there as regards the dangers of children being on line why not information about the consequences of adults viewing inappropriate material? Anything is better than nothing......
Your story is the mirror image of ours. My oh admitted everything to the police on day of the knock and then to me on return home. He had to move out was 21 months before he was allowed a phased return home and that was only after being sentenced. My oh also had child hood trauma but unfortunately doesn't feel like he can report it has he did mention it in the interview but they didn't care. It's an amazing feeling when you can be allowed to go out even for 5 minutes alone two years from the day of the knock our case was closed and unsupervised was allowed. Enjoy the new normal you deserve the freedom that many of us have had taken away for no fault of our own x
Thank you for posting your hope story. Can I just ask - did your husband look at indecent images/videos of teenagers only?
Thank you everyone for your kind words of support x
Scared I would urge your husband to report his childhood trauma for a number of reasons.
1. that person should have to deal with the consequences of abusing a child.
2. It may help your husband to get some closure.
3. That person may have abused others or may still be abusing now.
4. For others in a similar position - Whilst the police investigating your husband will not get involved in historic allegations, the fact that my husband reported his trauma (he did it online and another police department got in contact and arranged an interview)and the person is now being investigated actually helped in court. It went down in the pre sentencing report as mitigation.
It is his decision at the end of the day and a big one at that but could help. Hugs to you both x
1. that person should have to deal with the consequences of abusing a child.
2. It may help your husband to get some closure.
3. That person may have abused others or may still be abusing now.
4. For others in a similar position - Whilst the police investigating your husband will not get involved in historic allegations, the fact that my husband reported his trauma (he did it online and another police department got in contact and arranged an interview)and the person is now being investigated actually helped in court. It went down in the pre sentencing report as mitigation.
It is his decision at the end of the day and a big one at that but could help. Hugs to you both x
Devastated wife my husband only ever had an interest in post pubescent teenage girls. However, stupidly downloaded zip files with images/moving images of all sorts on. He was only ever able to see thumbnails to know what was in the bulk he'ddownloaded. If it didn't look like the stuff he was interested in he would never click to open it. But unfortunately all of those files were on our laptop, infants and children male and female as well as teenagers. In the pre sentencing report it listed a load of image titles that he'd never even heard of but unfortunately it was downloaded and it was on the device. Makes me feel sick.
Lois,
Such a powerful and inspiring post, well done for sharing your story lovely. As others have said, you should be so proud of yourself for your resilience and for keeping going despite every hurdle along the way. You've held your family together and they are so, so lucky to have you.
I'm so pleased you and your family are out of the other side of this journey and I really hope you can all find the help and support you need to process the trauma and PTSD and move forward. xx
Such a powerful and inspiring post, well done for sharing your story lovely. As others have said, you should be so proud of yourself for your resilience and for keeping going despite every hurdle along the way. You've held your family together and they are so, so lucky to have you.
I'm so pleased you and your family are out of the other side of this journey and I really hope you can all find the help and support you need to process the trauma and PTSD and move forward. xx
Thanks River x
Lois - I have returned to your post several times already as our situation is similar to yours in many ways. The main difference is that we are parents of an offending son who is now living with us and his trauma has been from a coercive and controlling partner with huge mental health problems which he tried valiantly to protect his children from whilst holding down a stressful job and doing most of the parenting. We used to worry about how he was coping but whenever we asked him he'd just say he was fine. He's now opening up with a therapist and it's as if he's thawing mentally. We are having complicated dealings with Children's Services as they are now involved because of both his offending and his partner's risk to the children now he's not there as a protective factor. It's all very complicated but reading your outcomes with both the courts and the social worker gives me hope so thank you. Can you bottle up some of your resilience and send it to me, please :) x
Ahhh Rainyday I'm so glad I've given you some hope. I'm sorry you ate going through this. As a parent you must be so very worried about your son and grandchildren. My advice is just take one day at a time. My resilience has evolved from so much stress, worry and trauma and dome days I don't know how I will survive the day, but I do. You are strong, stronger than you know. At times it might not feel like it but you are x x
My world turned upside down 18 months ago when my husband was arrested in relation to cat c images. I will start from the beginning he was sexually abused at the age of 12 by a male teacher , 13 years ago I found gay porn sites on our computer
And after a massive bust up I found out he had met up with a man he then told me of his sexual abuse , he was that messed up he was unsure of his sexuality .At this point we had been together 21 years. We got over this god knows how but we did. I think I felt sorry for him. He recieved counselling at this point .This brings us to 18 months ago when our home was raided by the police and all electronics took , he had been on these sites again and someone told him to join the kik site so he did apparently this site is like group chats with lots of people and in these chats there had been cat c images my husband had denied asking for any images but did view them . The only evidence the police have are of one cat c image and a cartoon image. I'm still with my husband as I truly believe this has been a massive wake-up call for him as he was on the verge of committing suicide , he has since seen another councillor which he feels has really helped him and he has a loving family behind him . He did go to the police about his abuser but the man is dead apparently. I am at my wits end now as it's taking so long for the police to get back to us. Im so frightened of how im going to cope if people find out about it , every morning I wake now and think is this gonna be the day , the policeman I spoke to who arrested him actually said to me he isn't a paedophile he is just a mixed up young man ?
He also said he thinks he will get a caution I just wish we knew what was gonna happen as it's slowly wearing me into the ground every day I get up and go to work and try to put on a brave face ,I just wonder how much longer it's gonna take
And after a massive bust up I found out he had met up with a man he then told me of his sexual abuse , he was that messed up he was unsure of his sexuality .At this point we had been together 21 years. We got over this god knows how but we did. I think I felt sorry for him. He recieved counselling at this point .This brings us to 18 months ago when our home was raided by the police and all electronics took , he had been on these sites again and someone told him to join the kik site so he did apparently this site is like group chats with lots of people and in these chats there had been cat c images my husband had denied asking for any images but did view them . The only evidence the police have are of one cat c image and a cartoon image. I'm still with my husband as I truly believe this has been a massive wake-up call for him as he was on the verge of committing suicide , he has since seen another councillor which he feels has really helped him and he has a loving family behind him . He did go to the police about his abuser but the man is dead apparently. I am at my wits end now as it's taking so long for the police to get back to us. Im so frightened of how im going to cope if people find out about it , every morning I wake now and think is this gonna be the day , the policeman I spoke to who arrested him actually said to me he isn't a paedophile he is just a mixed up young man ?
He also said he thinks he will get a caution I just wish we knew what was gonna happen as it's slowly wearing me into the ground every day I get up and go to work and try to put on a brave face ,I just wonder how much longer it's gonna take