Family and Friends Forum

Hello. First time poster. I’ve had a little look on here and finally feel safe to tell my story and say how I’m feeling.

I don’t know if anyone will read it all, or reply, but I think I’m just doing it to offload at present.



Got the knock 3 days ago, at 7.20am on Wednesday morning. I was just about to go upstairs to get ready for work. Fiancé had already left for work, I think they were hoping to catch him before he left. Thankfully, my (not his) daughters, aged 22 & 18, weren’t yet back from their holiday to Spain with their dad, but due home that afternoon. 22yo is working, 18yo is off to uni in October.



Four plain clothes police officers (although I didn’t realise they were police at first because of the plain clothes) stood at my door. I remember just being conscious I was stood in my little summer pjs. They were quite forceful about coming in, we stood in the kitchen because the dog was going mad, they also lied and said it was about antisocial behaviour in the neighbourhood. I thought ‘weird, we haven’t had any parties recently’ but then they asked if I was aware of anything and I said about the nuisance kids in our area.

But then it escalated quickly, I felt that was just a way to get in. The detective asked me to sit down, but weirdly I just knew she wasn’t going to tell me that one of my loved ones had had an accident. She said some IIOC had been traced to our address, and it’s my fiancé they wanted to speak to. She phoned him in front of me and told him he had no need to worry but could he go to our local police station. Instead of faking illness to his boss, he told them where he was going.

Meanwhile, I phoned in sick (I’m a TA at a primary school).

I can’t explain how I felt. Too many feelings. But I’ll try; shocked, confused, numb. Tip of the iceberg.

Later that morning, two of the officers came back with a warrant. They took an old phone he has that he plays COD on, he has no personal laptop or tablet, and his personal and work phones, plus his work laptop and tablet, were with him. They didn’t take my phone or the girls’ laptops. They also gave me leaflets, one of which was Stop it now/LFF. (Later, I also recalled them saying not to make any rash decisions, which I took to mean, don’t automatically write him or your relationship off, sometimes good people do bad things).

I spent the next few hours in the biggest shock of my life, I didn’t (couldn’t) cry or feel anger at this point. Just shellshocked and numb. And my whole body shook all day. I didn’t, couldn’t eat. I have lost half a stone in 3 days.

They advised me to tell my mum, as we are close and she’s just a few streets away, but I couldn’t. I sat on it until the next day. I think I thought, if I told someone, it would be real and I wouldn’t wake up from this surreal nightmare. I felt like I was in a bubble.

The detective rang with an update, that he had so far been cooperative and knew what they were talking about, indicating admission. So far, it’s an image that he screenshotted and uploaded to something, in December last year, so flagged up. But of course, I’m scared it’s the tip of the iceberg. Apparently he broke down in tears and was instantly remorseful.

They said they would be releasing him on bail and would follow him home for his own safety as they thought he might hurt himself.

I couldn’t believe that MY fiancé would EVER in a million years be capable of anything like this! I separated from the girls dad 11 years ago, was single for 6 years, never thought I’d meet anyone, then I met him. And boy, was he wonderful. He is 12 & a half years younger than me, but it’s never mattered. How ironic though. We instantly clicked, had an instant connection, like 2 jigsaw pieces fitting together perfectly. We completed each other. Everyone said we were a ‘power couple’. Soulmates, my absolute world, my person, my future.

And now that future is just….gone. In one knock.

Anyway, the girls arrived home around 2.30pm, I put on a face and asked how their holiday was etc. I decided not to tell them that day, but knew I’d have to because the officers told me to because they’ve got to be interviewed next week. Although they’re both adults, they weren’t when we first got together 5 years ago.

However, I must stress, and I told the officers this, never once did I ever feel he was inappropriate with them, in any way whatsoever. Or any other child for that matter. He can’t have kids of his own due to a condition called Klinefelter’s Syndrome, which also affects his mood, energy levels and libido, which he has testosterone injections for every 12 weeks. So he was nothing but a brilliant stepdad to them, and they loved him. He also has ADHD and ASD, not sure that’s relevant but anyway.

In the beginning, our sex life was great, just dwindled when his injection was due. I did used to get frustrated at times. But in the last year/year and a half, it has got a lot worse and, over the course of that time, it dwindled more and more, to practically nothing this year.

I was getting upset and angry about this, more because I felt we were losing our intimacy, our closeness. I talked to him about it multiple times, but he didn’t know the answer, just said he was exhausted. He does work an extremely hard physical job with a lot of driving, and then also does loads when he gets home, including cooking dinner every evening. He doesn’t stop. I always put it down to his ADHD.

He’s like a big manchild, needs looking after and does stupid things sometimes, but always from a good place, a good heart. Everyone loves him. He’d do anything for anyone.

He’s got a past, regarding women, drugs, drink, mental health issues. Wheeler dealer type. But so fun, loving, caring and simply amazing, an absolute lovable, slightly eccentric character.

It’s so hard to comprehend.

Anyway, he arrived home shortly after. I told the girls he’d come home early poorly, as they thought I was off work with a tummy bug, which is what I’d told work too. I went outside to him and said “We need to talk. I’ve got questions.”.

I got the dog and we walked into the field by our house.

I started with “What the f****?!” but I can’t remember the details of the conversation, he admitted to a certain extent, but was shellshocked and confused himself, so I definitely don’t think he told me everything. Pretty sure there was omission.

I didn’t cry or shout or scream, I wasn’t calm inside, but I held it in. We came back to the house and he went out to buy cat biscuits. The police had asked me to contact his brother to tell him to call them, because I had to mention his nephew. So I knew by now that his parents would know too. I asked him if he’d phoned his mum and he hadn’t, so I suggested he should. She said she couldn’t talk about it today but, if I threw him out, he could stay in their summerhouse.

I’m not even sure why, probably because I couldn’t let go of ‘my’ fiancé, the one before, but I didn’t want to throw him out, thought he could sleep on the sofa. At least that night, before I told the girls. But his dad texted and I suggested he should go see him, so he decided it would be best to stay there.

I must also say he is a broken man. He’s regretful, remorseful, fell down to his knees in front of me, and sobbed. He didn’t try to beg my forgiveness, because he knows he doesn’t deserve it.

Anyway, he went and I still couldn’t cry. But that’s the moment I thought, that’s it, he’s not only ruined his life, but mine and the girls too, my life is over, my future gone. It felt like grief, grieving for someone who is still here, grieving the loss of our life, our future.

I think I managed to eat a packet of mini cheddars that day, that’s it. I just sat on the sofa, trying to process, playing games on my phone as I couldn’t concentrate on TV or reading.

I managed to sleep out of sheer mental and emotional exhaustion.