The Knock - I’m confused & scared & lonely
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Hi everyone, I need advice please I have no idea what I'm doing. The police didn't help me, no explanation or anything. He spent 14 hours at the police station before I found out what he had done when he came home.
I am on day 5 after The Knock, I'm confused and scared. I had no idea, no inclination or anything. My boyfriend is suspected of talking to someone underage on an online message app.
I am in utter shock, we don't have kids, however, we have built an amazing life together.
I don't know how to feel, I haven't eaten much since, I feel ashamed to tell anyone.
I don't want to tell anyone. Because in some way, I want to protect him too.
He needs to report back to the police station at the end of September, it's such a long time to wait to find out where to go from here.
my GP put me on a an antidepressant due to the anxiety and stress it was causing me, constantly having panic attacks.
I can't stop crying, I don't know what to do.
Do I leave him and the life we have built together for the last 4 years or do I run far away from him?
I wanted to have kids with him, I wanted to marry him
Am I terrible for wanting to stay with him?
he's also here on a work visa & I'm scared they deport him, if they don't deport him, I'm scared it'll effect his indefinite leave to remain application. Should I put all this effort into rebuilding our relationship only for him to be forcibly removed from the country?
I have no idea what to do.
he's my best friend, my partner, my teammate, I made plans for our future, I love him
any advice from anyone is so appreciated
Thank you, this is such a scary place to be, I don't know how to get through it
I am on day 5 after The Knock, I'm confused and scared. I had no idea, no inclination or anything. My boyfriend is suspected of talking to someone underage on an online message app.
I am in utter shock, we don't have kids, however, we have built an amazing life together.
I don't know how to feel, I haven't eaten much since, I feel ashamed to tell anyone.
I don't want to tell anyone. Because in some way, I want to protect him too.
He needs to report back to the police station at the end of September, it's such a long time to wait to find out where to go from here.
my GP put me on a an antidepressant due to the anxiety and stress it was causing me, constantly having panic attacks.
I can't stop crying, I don't know what to do.
Do I leave him and the life we have built together for the last 4 years or do I run far away from him?
I wanted to have kids with him, I wanted to marry him
Am I terrible for wanting to stay with him?
he's also here on a work visa & I'm scared they deport him, if they don't deport him, I'm scared it'll effect his indefinite leave to remain application. Should I put all this effort into rebuilding our relationship only for him to be forcibly removed from the country?
I have no idea what to do.
he's my best friend, my partner, my teammate, I made plans for our future, I love him
any advice from anyone is so appreciated
Thank you, this is such a scary place to be, I don't know how to get through it
Hi I'm sorry you are here. You are not alone. It's really early days try not to make any fast decisions. Take time. Take one day at a time for now and look after you.
I understand the shock as my partner was arrested for the same offence 3 years ago. I'm also on antidepressants. There is still no outcome, I'm struggling, but this is my normal now.
I understand the shock as my partner was arrested for the same offence 3 years ago. I'm also on antidepressants. There is still no outcome, I'm struggling, but this is my normal now.
I'm so scared. I'm scared to make any plans for our future.
I still love him so much
I feel so guilty for loving him so much even despite of all of this.
I assume you stayed with him? Have you been able to find a way to forgive & love him the way you used to? Is there a way to look past this?
I still love him so much
I feel so guilty for loving him so much even despite of all of this.
I assume you stayed with him? Have you been able to find a way to forgive & love him the way you used to? Is there a way to look past this?
Hi Flo13, I really understand how you feel. I had the knock a week ago today and it's just such a shock. Like you, I had thought this is my person and I love my OH dearly. It feels like the future you had planned has just been pulled from underneath you. I also don't have kids but we were trying for a baby and I wanted to spend my life with him and I know he felt (and still feels) the same about me.
That's so good you've already gone to the GP and got some medication to help take the edge off the anxiety attacks. If that particular med isn't doing enough in the short term to deal with your panic attacks then go back and tell them. My GP was really good and gave me diazepam (an anxiety/muscle relaxant) for the short term which I take before bed and has really helped me stop waking up in the middle of the night from panic attacks, and then also on antidepressants for the more medium-long term as they can take several weeks to start working.
I know what you mean about not wanting to tell anyone and someone else on here told me you can never untell someone so you really need to think carefully about who you tell. I am agonising over whether to tell my parents but I have told 2 very close friends I can trust. Do you have anyone like that you could tell and swear to secrecy?
Have you been given a number by the police for the officer in charge of the case? I wonder if it's worth ringing them to ask if this would have any implications on his visa? And if they don't know maybe they'll be able to suggest who you could contact to find out? Did they give him a solicitor for example? Frustratingly my OH declined the offer of a solicitor which I wish he hadn't as he didn't fully understand what they could do to help. But they might be able to advise about the visa and his indefinite leave to remain application.
As for whether to stay or leave him, I really can't help there as I'm very much going through the same agonising decision. I think this is going to take a long time to work out how we feel to make the right decision, I find myself flitting from one decision to the other within the space of just 10 minutes so I don't trust myself to make the right decision at the moment whilst it's still so raw. I've simpy told him I need time and will continue thinking about it until I hope it will one day become clearer.
That's so good you've already gone to the GP and got some medication to help take the edge off the anxiety attacks. If that particular med isn't doing enough in the short term to deal with your panic attacks then go back and tell them. My GP was really good and gave me diazepam (an anxiety/muscle relaxant) for the short term which I take before bed and has really helped me stop waking up in the middle of the night from panic attacks, and then also on antidepressants for the more medium-long term as they can take several weeks to start working.
I know what you mean about not wanting to tell anyone and someone else on here told me you can never untell someone so you really need to think carefully about who you tell. I am agonising over whether to tell my parents but I have told 2 very close friends I can trust. Do you have anyone like that you could tell and swear to secrecy?
Have you been given a number by the police for the officer in charge of the case? I wonder if it's worth ringing them to ask if this would have any implications on his visa? And if they don't know maybe they'll be able to suggest who you could contact to find out? Did they give him a solicitor for example? Frustratingly my OH declined the offer of a solicitor which I wish he hadn't as he didn't fully understand what they could do to help. But they might be able to advise about the visa and his indefinite leave to remain application.
As for whether to stay or leave him, I really can't help there as I'm very much going through the same agonising decision. I think this is going to take a long time to work out how we feel to make the right decision, I find myself flitting from one decision to the other within the space of just 10 minutes so I don't trust myself to make the right decision at the moment whilst it's still so raw. I've simpy told him I need time and will continue thinking about it until I hope it will one day become clearer.
Flo
So sorry you have found yourself here x
It is such early days and your feelings are normal, this journey is a huge shock so take time to get through each day, well done for reaching out to your GP your wellbeing is so so important x
I would try not to tell to many people as once it is out there you cannot untell it,
You dont need to make any decisions either as yet , this can be a long drawn out process so prepare for the uncertainty of what is and what will happen
Please reach out on here for help and support xx
So sorry you have found yourself here x
It is such early days and your feelings are normal, this journey is a huge shock so take time to get through each day, well done for reaching out to your GP your wellbeing is so so important x
I would try not to tell to many people as once it is out there you cannot untell it,
You dont need to make any decisions either as yet , this can be a long drawn out process so prepare for the uncertainty of what is and what will happen
Please reach out on here for help and support xx
Hi Flo, my heart goes out to you. It's all still so raw for you and it will take time before you're every thought isn't to do with the situation you're in. All you can do is take one day at a time. Please don't torture yourself thinking about your future and what you should and shouldn't do. Just follow your heart for now and trust that you'll be guided to make the right decision.
From my own experience, the GP gave me sertraline for the anxiety, but a very low dose. It didn't work so it was increased, so don't be afraid to go back if you feel you're not getting any relief.
This is such a lonely journey so please feel free to message if you're feeling low. I'm at the other end and I really wish I'd made use of this forum when I was in the thick of it, but every time I read about someone being exposed by the media or being sent to prison it literally caused such anxiety that I had to leave, but now I'm taking the time to read others experiences I can see there's many positive outcomes and I'm lucky enough to be one of them.
Just remember you're not on your own and there's so many of us on here who want to help xx
From my own experience, the GP gave me sertraline for the anxiety, but a very low dose. It didn't work so it was increased, so don't be afraid to go back if you feel you're not getting any relief.
This is such a lonely journey so please feel free to message if you're feeling low. I'm at the other end and I really wish I'd made use of this forum when I was in the thick of it, but every time I read about someone being exposed by the media or being sent to prison it literally caused such anxiety that I had to leave, but now I'm taking the time to read others experiences I can see there's many positive outcomes and I'm lucky enough to be one of them.
Just remember you're not on your own and there's so many of us on here who want to help xx
Flo,
I'm so sorry you've found yourself here. All your feelings are very valid as you're in the very, very early stages when it's all so raw and it feels like a rollercoaster. It's awful. Take deep breaths and try your best to take care of yourself as much as possible. Take time off work if necessary.
It was also my boyfriend who received the Knock so I empathise with how it feels to have lots of plans for the future (marriage, children etc) and have the rug pulled out from under your feet. I know how it feels to be in utter turmoil as to whether to stay or leave as you're not married and presumably have no children together, so the inner conflict between wanting to cut and run vs your love and strength of feelings for him and wanting to support him are agnosing and I completely understand how that feels.
As others have said, there's no need to make any quick decisions. Allow yourself to sit with it for as long as you need - weeks, months, years if necessary. I'd also advise caution on telling others - for me the urge to confide in my friends was immense, but I will be honest and say I sincerely regret telling some people that I told. Sadly I've lost friends as a result of it which is a huge regret of mine and once you have told someone, you can never untell them.
Take care of yourself and lean on the forum and helpline as much as you need to. We're all here for you and know exactly how you're feeling right now. xx
I'm so sorry you've found yourself here. All your feelings are very valid as you're in the very, very early stages when it's all so raw and it feels like a rollercoaster. It's awful. Take deep breaths and try your best to take care of yourself as much as possible. Take time off work if necessary.
It was also my boyfriend who received the Knock so I empathise with how it feels to have lots of plans for the future (marriage, children etc) and have the rug pulled out from under your feet. I know how it feels to be in utter turmoil as to whether to stay or leave as you're not married and presumably have no children together, so the inner conflict between wanting to cut and run vs your love and strength of feelings for him and wanting to support him are agnosing and I completely understand how that feels.
As others have said, there's no need to make any quick decisions. Allow yourself to sit with it for as long as you need - weeks, months, years if necessary. I'd also advise caution on telling others - for me the urge to confide in my friends was immense, but I will be honest and say I sincerely regret telling some people that I told. Sadly I've lost friends as a result of it which is a huge regret of mine and once you have told someone, you can never untell them.
Take care of yourself and lean on the forum and helpline as much as you need to. We're all here for you and know exactly how you're feeling right now. xx
Hi Flo, so sorry you are here. We all know how you feel. Take each day at a time, but most importantly take 1 step at a time. You need to talk to someone though, a close friend, relative anyone. You need someone as an outlet as this is a very very long journey. Be prepared for the obvious reactions and maybe start the conversation with "before I tell you this, I need support, not judgement or a witch hunt, just support and a hug" something like that. I told my mum on the first day and since have told a close family friend, and my best friend. All of which have been unbelievably supportive and been there with advice or their opinion. I am lucky I do know that. Be prepared for the emotional rollercoaster over the next few weeks to be quite chaotic. Loving him 1 day hating him the next, anger, frustration, loneliness, feeling sick. Eventually it does start to get better. Don't make any hasty decisions. Take 1 step at a time until you find your groove. Take care and look after yourself. Even if you have a few biscuits and a sandwich it's better than nothing.
I know you love him and you can't just turn off your feelings but....... you have to decide if you can stay with somebody who has done this unforgivable thing, and your future, children etc may be so very hard.
I walked and it was best for me
I walked and it was best for me
I'm so sorry you're here. You are absolutely not alone. There are so many people here who know how you feel.
As a lot of people have said it's such early days. Well done for reaching out. All your feelings are valid. The right decision will become clear to you just know that you aren't alone.
As a lot of people have said it's such early days. Well done for reaching out. All your feelings are valid. The right decision will become clear to you just know that you aren't alone.