Family and Friends Forum

Hi Blue Sky,

I feel exactly the same! I was awake at 4:30 going through all the what ifs.... My OH has been given a date for court in a few weeks which I've got mixed emotions. Hopefully we're coming to the end in some way but it brings everything up again.



Today I feel sorry for myself that after being with a narcissist ex and freeing that toxic life and now I end up with a new partner who I thought would always keep me safe and never hurt me.



I'm left running the house, looking after all the kids, all while still holding down a job. I went home early the day of the knock but I've been there every other day since. I'm so tired of lying to friends and family and pretending everything is okay.



And now solicitor fees will mount up and why should I have to pay these? OH is horrendous with money (gambling)

I feel like just walking away from it all.

Totally agree with you both.



I just would like to empty my brain and lie still for a few days in peace.



Sorry you're going through this, hugs to you

xx

I agree it is just so exhausting having to constantly be aware of what you say to people so that no suspicion is arising-I just want to go away somewhere and empty my mind sometimes.

At present I am crying and shaking because a Police van just came along the road and paused outside the door- it was only turning round but still enough to make me panicked and anxious

I no how u feel, its just so hard at times xxxx



Seaside I'm sorry that has made u feel like that but I completely understand as that's how I was yesterday, send love and hugs to u all xx

Not long after the knock a police car parked outside my house. The police officer got out of the car and walked towards my house. I had a full blown panic attack, could barely breath. But they kept on walking, what i did not know was that a car accident had occured just up the road and they were responding to that ! It took me hours to calm down.

I seem to have responded to this situation differently to most people on here.
I left him because I can't forgive what he's done because I don't believe that there are any excuses ( I know lots on here do) because I've walked away I have told absolutely everyone what he's done so I don't have to lie.... yes I'm angry about what he's done but it's nothing to do with me and .... I'm getting on with my life and I sleep really well!!

It is an exhausting journey especially at first when things are raw, then you struggle as the 'blips' float in and out.

I have decided which direction I wanted to take and I stand firm by it - not easy (many, definitely would not agree) but I have to live my life, not them..... just as they make their choices I've made mine.

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With you on this Parkerpoo, I live a lie and it's bloody hard (especially with loved ones), but sometimes we have no choice - we've got to move forward and (try to) keep our sanity in this nightmare world we have been plunged into.....

Exhausted, I can really empathise with what you've said. This is a long and arduous journey.

Losteverything, I don't think I've seen people using 'excuses'; all behaviour has reasons behind it, some complex and some less so. Being together or apart is a big decision and there are many intertwining factors contributing to the decision to stay or leave such as remorse, ability to change, treatment for those reasons behind the behaviours, the intrusive nature of ongoing checks and professional involvement, the risk to the children etc.

As an example of the complexity and repercussions of the decision to stay or leave, to tell or not tell: Many on here, me included, have children. Simply leaving and telling everyone the truth could worsen the situation, causing trauma to my child and leaving them with the stigma of their father's actions attached to them for ever more, likely causing severe social issues. For me personally, that would cause me more sleepless nights than trying to keep it a secret. For others, the balance is different.

I identify with the OP on this.

I really struggled for months - Literally cleaning my teeth or washing seemed like a massive task. I went from training most mornings and evenings to literally working, eating and sleeping.

A couple of things helped me - I know it's not for everyone but I started taking antidepressant, my doctor has been great, she increased the prescription. I was hesitant at first but it was absolutely the right thing to do. I feel so much better and more like myself than I have done for a while.

I also have a daily check list on a app on my phone which helps keep me motivated and on track - It includes (shamefully) cleaning my teeth but also getting out of a walk.

I have also dropped in and out of therapy.

Blue sky, yes I was always exhausted. Was sleeping 9-10 hours every night and napping during the day. I know now it was a trauma response. My advice to you is to prioritise your self care. Make sure you're eating well and try to exercise. Exercise was a saviour for me. Although you most likely do have a long wait ahead of you, you will get back to some kind of normality eventually, but in the meantime be kind to yourself.

Hi,

I've read this thread a few times and hesitated to post as we are nearly two and a half years post sentencing and I still feel exhausted all the time. I've been left an older single mom to a toddler and trying to juggle a house, changing career and two older children still in education who need my support with various things.
I wanted to address something said by lost everything; I too left and told people what he'd done, not out of spite or anything like that but because it wasn't/isn't my shame to carry. We are now at a point where I have researched enough into these crimes that I have more of an understanding of how he ended up where he did. I do not accept his behaviour but I recognise that at times I behave in unacceptable ways too and do and say things that are completely out of character. Should I be judged solely on these things or as a whole person who has made mistakes and paid the consequences for those? I read something recently that said "You are free to choose, but you are not free from the consequences of your choices."
I believe my person has paid a very high price for his choices and has been punished by the law and society. He should have a chance to rebuild his life.
I don't think it's particularly helpful to suggest that if everyone left their OH that they would sleep well or stop the sometimes constant noise of their thoughts. It is a trauma whether we stay or leave and trauma looks different for everyone and also comes in stages. To stay or leave or to remain somewhere between the two where you support the person in their rehabilitation is a completely personal choice. I'm glad you've made the right decisions for you but please consider that this isn't necessarily the right decision for everyone else.
I hope that we all find that balance we are striving for and my only advice is to allow yourselves to be present in the good times, recognise those bad times and try to distract yourself to prevent spiralling into negativity xxx

Well said Distressed x I couldn't face my life walking away from my son..... any path you choose to take (support or leave) in this journey isn't easy....