Family and Friends Forum

I have only been in this nightmare for 4 weeks and it feels like a lifetime. My story is a little different than most in the fact that it was me that had to go to the police station and give evidence. About 3 months prior to this happening I had questioned the changes in my husband's behaviour, he had not been sleeping well and spent much of the time downstairs at night and was also acting suspiciously on his phone. I insisted one day when I had enough to look at his phone. I found adult porn. He knew what I thought about this and said he had a problem and started with sex therapy. Unfortunately a month into therapy he had a foot operation which meant he was off work for 9 weeks and had to stop due to not being able to afford it. He went back to work and had all good intentions to start up again with the therapy, unfortunately at the end of his first week back I was suspicious that he was up to something on his phone again. I managed to work out the pin number and found he had been messaging a girl. ( he thought it legal because she was 17 ( he thought that as you could marry at 16, that this was legal). I threw him out and told him he needed to do 3 things before we attempted to get back together. He needed to get face to face sex therapy, go to AA and that we would need couple counselling, he agreed to do all, I and started to do so. I requested that he give up his phone and have no access to the internet so he went out and bought a mobile that you can only text with. He gave me his old mobile. Unfortunately this is where it really goes badly wrong. I left the mobile unlocked on the table and my daughter (23) decided to start going through it as she felt he had been lying about stuff. Her and her boyfriend managed to get into a file that had loads of indecent images on it. I completely broke down on phone to him and so did he. My daughter's boyfriend insisted that we had to report him to the police. I am a safeguarding lead in my job and I was so sickened to be put in this horrendous situation. I knew that I couldn't make the call myself, but my moral belief had me being pulled in both directions. The decision was taken out of my hands when my daughter's boyfriend rang it in and then I was called by the police and asked to bring the phone and make a statement. I have never had to do something so difficult in all my life. I love this man and know he has a very caring loving side to him, it was heart breaking. I was not happy with the wording of the statement so didn't sign it and after saying I had been made to feel like I had to make a statement and hand the phone over the officer said I could have the phone back but that a warrant could be issued. I took the phone back because I was I such shock over it all. I had the knock on the door 3 hours later at 2.30 am. All devices seized. Now it's a waiting game.

I love my husband and he is devastated and a broken man. He is seeking to do the rehabilitation course and take all measures to make sure he never goes down this route again. It manifestered from a porn addiction that got out of hand. For this reason at the moment I am separated but am hoping one day we can get the relationship back and far better and honest than before. Am I stupid to even contemplate that this is possible? I am so scared about the media. I am changing my name quickly and he will be changing his too. Any advice on if this helps and what other measures we can take to try and keep this from everyone we know?

Sorry this post is so long, just didn't know where to start, I feel so upset and confused. My life has been blown apart, much like everyone else on here.

Sending a big hug to everyone going through this nightmare. At least we have each other for support. Xx

Hi poster,

Thank you so much for your support, I am having an emotional day. Today is my son's 20th birthday and my husband is unable to join us as my daughter's boyfriend will be here and as he made the call to the police it's a volatile situation. Also my son's girlfriend knows nothing, wouldn't trust her not to tell the world I'm afraid.

I hate the waiting and the not knowing of what will happen. My worst fear in all this is the media, my second is that if my husband goes to prison I will be unable to afford the house I struggled so hard to keep hold of when my first marriage failed when he went off with another man. I do feel sorry for myself, at 50 I just think I should be not thinking of having a lonely life ahead. Because one thing is for sure, if my husband can't sort this mess out, I will not be finding another man, I will be done with them.

Sorry off on a rant. Any advice you could give me greatly received. And thank you for being there for me.

Hi Mabel, Thank you so much for replying. What a nightmare. I am so confused as you must be too. My children, not my husband's are in their 20's , so that's the one complication I haven't got. I do wonder what will happen when my daughter has children though, can't imagine her boyfriend letting them visit if I am still with my husband. I just feel so torn. Whatever I chose, it's me that loses out, all because my husband indulged in this disgusting manor. I always told him due to my job, it's the one thing nobody in my house must do and what did he go and do. Thankfully the rule about dismissal due to association has been scraped otherwise I would be out of a job too.

The media freaks me out. I have anxiety attacks the lot. I have applied to change my name today. He will do so also. A solicitor told him to just tweek his name so that it's not too different but I'm not sure that is wise, wouldn't a totally different surname be better?

What a mess.

Thank you for replying Mabel, thinking of you.

Hi Mabel, sorry forgot to say , husband handed himself in when I was called to the police station, hoping that will go in his favour. Realised under investigation. I have managed to get my computer back, but not the hard drive. I need this for my work. I got in contact with the investigating officer, or whatever you call them and asked if it could be prioritised which is how I have got one bit back quite quickly. My husband insists the only place they will find stuff is on his phone. I hope he has been honest with that, he has after all been leading this life of lies. I feel like after 13 years do i really know him.

Let me know if u have any news and any ideas you think may help us get through this.

Hi Tracey, Thank you for your reply. You can't help but feel sorry for yourself when you thought your future looked a certain way and then that's all blown apart in an instance. I too will have to find another job to be able to manage mortgage and bills, even then I'm not sure it will cover it. I haven't got a massive house, but I can't downsize when I still have my son at uni and my daughter saving for her own house. Wish he had thought of all these consequences before he went down this road. He is a broken man and is devastated at what the implications are for me. He said if I want to divorce he won't take a thing, his words " I will walk with nothing". We are trying to see if we can save the marriage, but at the moment with him living elsewhere, and not knowing how long the investigation will take, how can you get any kind of normality. Then if you do and he goes to prison then it's another hurdle of a gigantic size.

Sorry you can get carried away when discussing these things. Nice to have people who understand. I hope you can get to a better place soon. I hope we all can, no matter what the outcomes. Xx

W