Am I crazy for staying
Notifications OFF
Hello
It has been approximately 1 year since I had the knock. We have been through the courts and he has a suspended sentence. He is doing community service and going to SAA and counselling. I feel every emotion possible but I guess my question is am I crazy if we stay together. My family want nothing to do with him and I lost a friend this week also. I feel like im the only partner who wants to make it work we have been married 25years together 28 should I just throw that all away? We also have 2 grown up children together. Has anyone else stayed and made it work?
It has been approximately 1 year since I had the knock. We have been through the courts and he has a suspended sentence. He is doing community service and going to SAA and counselling. I feel every emotion possible but I guess my question is am I crazy if we stay together. My family want nothing to do with him and I lost a friend this week also. I feel like im the only partner who wants to make it work we have been married 25years together 28 should I just throw that all away? We also have 2 grown up children together. Has anyone else stayed and made it work?
Hi Sarah. Yes to your questions about staying with partner of many years. If you'd like to message me I'm happy to chat.
Good morning .
my advice is don't be swayed by other people's opinions, you don't want to go along with their views then go on to lead a miserable life as you miss your husband. It's a lot of years to throw away.
just see how it unfolds, with this continually changing journey our minds can change too.
people would consider me potty to stand by my son, but my life would be a misery if abandoned him and I wouldn't be able to cope.
neither decision, unfortunately, is easy :-(
my advice is don't be swayed by other people's opinions, you don't want to go along with their views then go on to lead a miserable life as you miss your husband. It's a lot of years to throw away.
just see how it unfolds, with this continually changing journey our minds can change too.
people would consider me potty to stand by my son, but my life would be a misery if abandoned him and I wouldn't be able to cope.
neither decision, unfortunately, is easy :-(
Hi Sarah,
I'm also going through the roller-coaster ride of emotions a year and a half after The Knock and six months away from his trial. One moment my heart is breaking because of his stupidity and bad choices. It was so out of character. The next moment I'm trying to figure out how to live life without him. We're still together, and he hasn't turned in to an evil monster. We still share a bed (no sex though), despite some female friends saying I'm crazy because I want him close. I'm with someone who survived a traumatic life of neglect and psychological and sexual abuse. I am all he has. Don't let anyone tell you how you should live your life. Everyone will have an opinion, but no one is walking your journey. Allow yourself the grace to experience the full raft of emotions that will wash over you. Every single one is legitimate as is your feelings towards your OH.
I'm also going through the roller-coaster ride of emotions a year and a half after The Knock and six months away from his trial. One moment my heart is breaking because of his stupidity and bad choices. It was so out of character. The next moment I'm trying to figure out how to live life without him. We're still together, and he hasn't turned in to an evil monster. We still share a bed (no sex though), despite some female friends saying I'm crazy because I want him close. I'm with someone who survived a traumatic life of neglect and psychological and sexual abuse. I am all he has. Don't let anyone tell you how you should live your life. Everyone will have an opinion, but no one is walking your journey. Allow yourself the grace to experience the full raft of emotions that will wash over you. Every single one is legitimate as is your feelings towards your OH.
We were together a similar time, and i knew at the time of the knock it was over
he had multiple affairs when the children were just born, so as I was pleading for help with things, he was getting his kicks from adult sites and attending many places picking up diseases. I should have left him years before.
Strangely one day we had been talking about internet and pictures due to other cases in the area and I remember the look on his face. I was clear, it was a deal breaker for me.
But looking back, I saw the guilt, if only it was just pictures but other responses now make sense... the look of fear when one child said ... mummy can I tell you something...lots came out for me up until the sentencing hearing.
Once we split (people originally didn't know the details) but lots said he was a nightmare, and they had noticed he always had his hobbies... but I was always the one with the children or at work. They said we should have broke years ago and what did I see in him. They were right. He didn't see what he had, but I should also have seen what o had... and ran for the Hills sooner. And that is hard to live with now after what o heard at sentencing.
so the relationship wasn't great, but that doesn't mean it gave him the go ahead to do what he did. But in essence walking away was very easy. His stuff was being cleared that day.
But in dealing with the nightmare, I was advised don't make any decision when you are desperately sad or angry.
his subsequent behaviour and priorities showed me it was the right decision.
I had many other decisions to make and I am now glad I did as lots of things have come out, even 2 years later, I am dealing with information that is quite upsetting and hurtful, and I know hoe others played dirty, and how this impacted the children.
There are many girls here who have partners who have stayed. That is right for them, so you have to do what is right for you and the children. No decision is easy and ultimately the decision may change, some stay, and then it isn't workable or more comes out, and vice versa some leave but then restart the relationship.
You are on a journey which is horrendous, but you will gain strength, and you will realise things about yourself, it just takes time. If you stay, get full access to information. Whatever is ahead, you need to know what you are dealing with and the impact
look after yourself
he had multiple affairs when the children were just born, so as I was pleading for help with things, he was getting his kicks from adult sites and attending many places picking up diseases. I should have left him years before.
Strangely one day we had been talking about internet and pictures due to other cases in the area and I remember the look on his face. I was clear, it was a deal breaker for me.
But looking back, I saw the guilt, if only it was just pictures but other responses now make sense... the look of fear when one child said ... mummy can I tell you something...lots came out for me up until the sentencing hearing.
Once we split (people originally didn't know the details) but lots said he was a nightmare, and they had noticed he always had his hobbies... but I was always the one with the children or at work. They said we should have broke years ago and what did I see in him. They were right. He didn't see what he had, but I should also have seen what o had... and ran for the Hills sooner. And that is hard to live with now after what o heard at sentencing.
so the relationship wasn't great, but that doesn't mean it gave him the go ahead to do what he did. But in essence walking away was very easy. His stuff was being cleared that day.
But in dealing with the nightmare, I was advised don't make any decision when you are desperately sad or angry.
his subsequent behaviour and priorities showed me it was the right decision.
I had many other decisions to make and I am now glad I did as lots of things have come out, even 2 years later, I am dealing with information that is quite upsetting and hurtful, and I know hoe others played dirty, and how this impacted the children.
There are many girls here who have partners who have stayed. That is right for them, so you have to do what is right for you and the children. No decision is easy and ultimately the decision may change, some stay, and then it isn't workable or more comes out, and vice versa some leave but then restart the relationship.
You are on a journey which is horrendous, but you will gain strength, and you will realise things about yourself, it just takes time. If you stay, get full access to information. Whatever is ahead, you need to know what you are dealing with and the impact
look after yourself
Post deleted
Hi Sarah
The choice is yours and yours alone. I ask myself many times. I'm still with my husband and been married 30+years. We have grown children and grandchildren. We have lost all my family members except for the odd one and a few friends. I wouldn't of stayed if he wasn't remorseful. He got the help he needed and still works on himself . He has not gone near porn since and has been over 3 years clean.
It's not perfect I don't like this new normal but were still together and starting to laugh again and enjoy ourselves with out feeling were not aloud too. Who's knows what the future holds but for now I'm staying. We also hit the media, it's there in black and white, just a Google search and it comes straight up. We haven't had any problems. One of the reasons for staying is we talk a lot more some things I don't want to hear, dont rush you have the right to change your mind many times.
Take care
Anne
The choice is yours and yours alone. I ask myself many times. I'm still with my husband and been married 30+years. We have grown children and grandchildren. We have lost all my family members except for the odd one and a few friends. I wouldn't of stayed if he wasn't remorseful. He got the help he needed and still works on himself . He has not gone near porn since and has been over 3 years clean.
It's not perfect I don't like this new normal but were still together and starting to laugh again and enjoy ourselves with out feeling were not aloud too. Who's knows what the future holds but for now I'm staying. We also hit the media, it's there in black and white, just a Google search and it comes straight up. We haven't had any problems. One of the reasons for staying is we talk a lot more some things I don't want to hear, dont rush you have the right to change your mind many times.
Take care
Anne
Thanks everyone just taking it daily at the moment
Numb and scared I will message u but it won't let me at the moment x
Numb and scared I will message u but it won't let me at the moment x
Hi Sarah75,
you wouldn't be "throwing your relationship away "if you choose to leave..... HE DID !!!!
Whatever you do is your decision. I couldn't be with someone who'd done this and could never trust him again. Everything for me was a lie.
I hope you work out what's best for you and your family x
you wouldn't be "throwing your relationship away "if you choose to leave..... HE DID !!!!
Whatever you do is your decision. I couldn't be with someone who'd done this and could never trust him again. Everything for me was a lie.
I hope you work out what's best for you and your family x
Hi Sarah,
As others have said it is absolutely your choice and nothing to do with anyone else. I too have recently "celebrated" our 25th wedding anniversary, not the way we had planned 5 years ago but just the 2 of us and it felt appropriate and right. We have grown up children and a grandaughter who all love and stand by my husband, we can't say the same for the whole of our extended family though, I felt at the time I had to make "Sophie's Choice", I sacrificed my brother and his family and one of my sisters and part of her family not to mention his friends who are all gone now. I am not bitter but disappointed that they have forgotten the lovely, kind and generous man who they all used to rely on for lots of reasons. They are not prepared to even listen and try to understand our situation. However my siblings and their families would get on with their own lives and I would have been left on my own feeling sad, lonely and desperately depressed. Today I ask myself if I taken their advice where would I be now? I know I would be much more unhappy and isolated so in answer to your question I don't believe it's madness to stay, I took my wedding vows seriously and when quoting "for better or worse" this situation is definitely for worse but I also promised to love and to cherish till death do us part! We are 2.5 years post knock, we are beyond sentencing and he has served his suspended sentence now. It's those reminders of the SOR and SHPO requirements which I still struggle with but I have also learnt to live with.
Please don't make any rash decisions or be forced into a decision by other people, whatever you choose to do, take your time, write things down I.e. good/bad and make that decision with a clear head. Keep the toxic people at arms length, they really are not helpful to you right now but surround yourself with supportive family and friends, they may be a lot less but these are the people who will have "your" interests at heart and not indulge you with their thoughts and opinions which may not be healthy or helpful to you.
Best wishes Katie xx
As others have said it is absolutely your choice and nothing to do with anyone else. I too have recently "celebrated" our 25th wedding anniversary, not the way we had planned 5 years ago but just the 2 of us and it felt appropriate and right. We have grown up children and a grandaughter who all love and stand by my husband, we can't say the same for the whole of our extended family though, I felt at the time I had to make "Sophie's Choice", I sacrificed my brother and his family and one of my sisters and part of her family not to mention his friends who are all gone now. I am not bitter but disappointed that they have forgotten the lovely, kind and generous man who they all used to rely on for lots of reasons. They are not prepared to even listen and try to understand our situation. However my siblings and their families would get on with their own lives and I would have been left on my own feeling sad, lonely and desperately depressed. Today I ask myself if I taken their advice where would I be now? I know I would be much more unhappy and isolated so in answer to your question I don't believe it's madness to stay, I took my wedding vows seriously and when quoting "for better or worse" this situation is definitely for worse but I also promised to love and to cherish till death do us part! We are 2.5 years post knock, we are beyond sentencing and he has served his suspended sentence now. It's those reminders of the SOR and SHPO requirements which I still struggle with but I have also learnt to live with.
Please don't make any rash decisions or be forced into a decision by other people, whatever you choose to do, take your time, write things down I.e. good/bad and make that decision with a clear head. Keep the toxic people at arms length, they really are not helpful to you right now but surround yourself with supportive family and friends, they may be a lot less but these are the people who will have "your" interests at heart and not indulge you with their thoughts and opinions which may not be healthy or helpful to you.
Best wishes Katie xx
Post deleted
Hi,
I'm totally with you on this. We're only two weeks post knock and I've already decided to stand by my fiancé and stay together.
We have had five blissful years together and have spent the two weeks seeing each other every day (he's currently staying with his parents a few streets away), doing a LOT of talking, and being open and honest with each other.
He is totally ashamed and remorseful and beyond grateful for another chance with me.
However, my (not his) daughters, who are 22 and 18, are very black and white and refuse to even try to understand my decision. I get it. They live at home and do not want him to come home, infact my 23 year old has said that if he comes back, she's out.
i feel like this is an ultimatum and, of course, I would always choose them. I just hate that I have to choose, and what does this mean for our future?
I'm totally with you on this. We're only two weeks post knock and I've already decided to stand by my fiancé and stay together.
We have had five blissful years together and have spent the two weeks seeing each other every day (he's currently staying with his parents a few streets away), doing a LOT of talking, and being open and honest with each other.
He is totally ashamed and remorseful and beyond grateful for another chance with me.
However, my (not his) daughters, who are 22 and 18, are very black and white and refuse to even try to understand my decision. I get it. They live at home and do not want him to come home, infact my 23 year old has said that if he comes back, she's out.
i feel like this is an ultimatum and, of course, I would always choose them. I just hate that I have to choose, and what does this mean for our future?
Thank you Blue Sky. It's so easy for others to judge when not in our position, I made it very clear to everyone (who at the time felt they had authority to tell me what to do) that I had absolutely no space in my head to process their own indulgent thoughts and to not even bother to try and encourage me to leave, there are so many dimensions to consider that only I could work this one out, sadly my decision didn't suit all but it did make me realise if they didn't respect my decision and no longer want anything to do with me then they couldn't have been worrying much about me in the first place. Xxx
Post deleted by user
I totally echo those words Leesha. Unless they are living with us which my family are not, at the end of the day it is ourselves who have to live with the consequences and find some peace before we can settle down to sleep. Xx
Post deleted by user
In the early days following the knock, it was made very clear to me by my adult children that they would be very cross if I continued to be with my partner ( not their dad). They both said that they would have a relationship with me outside my home but they would never visit my home if he was living there. At first I was upset about this but now I can see things from their pov.... they would never feel that their children were safe in my home. They also felt that I was belittling myself by staying with a sex offender.
in the end I left my partner. I just couldn't accept the way my life would have to be. I love having my grandchild to stay over and cooking family meals in my home , not to mention Christmas celebrations. Life could never be the same again. I made my choice
in the end I left my partner. I just couldn't accept the way my life would have to be. I love having my grandchild to stay over and cooking family meals in my home , not to mention Christmas celebrations. Life could never be the same again. I made my choice