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Hi there. My son is 20 and had the knock in early May at Uni. He then attempted to take his own life that night. We know the investigation will take a very long time and his whole future is uncertain although his solicitor seems to think that we will be looking at a suspended sentence.
He has never made contact with a child or distributed. he has cat B/C a few and poss one cat A. Even our solicitor says the bail conditions are harsh and the officer calls my son to ask questions about where he is etc even though she knows he has a solicitor.
He is on bail and they have renewed his bail again. We are going on a family holiday tomorrow and because the police want to send a local officer over to reissue the bail documents, we have had to say we are going away. our solicitor has been asked for flight details and accomodation details.... he said it is possible, although unlikely that they will send someone to check us out there - I am now terrified this might happen.
I am holding it all together for my entire family, husband, two older sons and my lovely 20 year old. I know what he has done is wrong - I deal with safeguarding at work - I am terrified about the media, his mental health and that of everyone else. I have squashed down my own feelings so much that occasionally i just burst into tears when i can't contain it any more.
I am frightened about what might happen to my son, and what he might do.
I have tried therapy but couldn't find someone that suits and have seen someone at the GP surgey -am on a waiting list for therapy . I have called the helpline before to offload... but can't even get to a phone today so just needed to say some of this out loud for my own release.
I want to sit somewhere and wail tbh.
It's all a bit much today!
Thank you for listening.
He has never made contact with a child or distributed. he has cat B/C a few and poss one cat A. Even our solicitor says the bail conditions are harsh and the officer calls my son to ask questions about where he is etc even though she knows he has a solicitor.
He is on bail and they have renewed his bail again. We are going on a family holiday tomorrow and because the police want to send a local officer over to reissue the bail documents, we have had to say we are going away. our solicitor has been asked for flight details and accomodation details.... he said it is possible, although unlikely that they will send someone to check us out there - I am now terrified this might happen.
I am holding it all together for my entire family, husband, two older sons and my lovely 20 year old. I know what he has done is wrong - I deal with safeguarding at work - I am terrified about the media, his mental health and that of everyone else. I have squashed down my own feelings so much that occasionally i just burst into tears when i can't contain it any more.
I am frightened about what might happen to my son, and what he might do.
I have tried therapy but couldn't find someone that suits and have seen someone at the GP surgey -am on a waiting list for therapy . I have called the helpline before to offload... but can't even get to a phone today so just needed to say some of this out loud for my own release.
I want to sit somewhere and wail tbh.
It's all a bit much today!
Thank you for listening.
Oh gosh, sorry it is all so overwhelming. I hope you're able to get away for your holiday and have a good relax
I have therapy with a stop so therapist. It helps.
There is an online form but they do sometimes take a while to get back to you
x
I have therapy with a stop so therapist. It helps.
There is an online form but they do sometimes take a while to get back to you
x
Sofia - your situation is slightly similar to mine except my son is twice your son's age and has children. He's living with us now and like you I'm realising all the restrictions he's going to face now and into the future. I'm concerned about his mental health too.
All I can say, apart from an empathetic hug and the recognition that we both love our sons deeply, which doesn't mean we're minimising their offences, is to suggest that you ask the solicitor to tell the police NOT to contact your son but to do everything through them, although I'm sure you've done that already - it really isn't good enough when there are protocols to follow and it feels like the police just throw their weight around as they wish. It's so frustrating to feel powerless in case it makes things worse for our loved ones but if your OIC still does what they like then I really would consider complaining.
This is happening to our son too, which is very frustrating as the main reason for finding a pre-charge solicitor was to bypass all the rubbish he's had from his OIC, including threats which were pure bluster as none of them were carried out. My husband and I are still waiting for the local police to turn up to check we're not allowing under18 year olds to sleep in our house whilst our son is here!!!
Are you sure that the holiday threat isn't bluster too? My understanding is that this kind of check-up can happen after sentencing as part of someone's SHPO (people have mentioned that on here) but at the moment your son only has to comply with what his bail conditions state. Does it say anything about notifying the police if you go away?
Anyway, I'm not being much help really but my wish is that you can manage to enjoy your holiday without this unecessary worry to deal with. And if there is a visit from the local police, just be helpful and charming, even if it is through gritted teeth.
By the way, I was considering having some therapy through a charity called Acts Fast. They have a 10 week 1:1 Trauma Support for family members of offenders. I can't recommend them personally as I haven't contacted them yet but you start off self -referring by a form which might be easier for you than phone calls.
xxx
All I can say, apart from an empathetic hug and the recognition that we both love our sons deeply, which doesn't mean we're minimising their offences, is to suggest that you ask the solicitor to tell the police NOT to contact your son but to do everything through them, although I'm sure you've done that already - it really isn't good enough when there are protocols to follow and it feels like the police just throw their weight around as they wish. It's so frustrating to feel powerless in case it makes things worse for our loved ones but if your OIC still does what they like then I really would consider complaining.
This is happening to our son too, which is very frustrating as the main reason for finding a pre-charge solicitor was to bypass all the rubbish he's had from his OIC, including threats which were pure bluster as none of them were carried out. My husband and I are still waiting for the local police to turn up to check we're not allowing under18 year olds to sleep in our house whilst our son is here!!!
Are you sure that the holiday threat isn't bluster too? My understanding is that this kind of check-up can happen after sentencing as part of someone's SHPO (people have mentioned that on here) but at the moment your son only has to comply with what his bail conditions state. Does it say anything about notifying the police if you go away?
Anyway, I'm not being much help really but my wish is that you can manage to enjoy your holiday without this unecessary worry to deal with. And if there is a visit from the local police, just be helpful and charming, even if it is through gritted teeth.
By the way, I was considering having some therapy through a charity called Acts Fast. They have a 10 week 1:1 Trauma Support for family members of offenders. I can't recommend them personally as I haven't contacted them yet but you start off self -referring by a form which might be easier for you than phone calls.
xxx
Sophia 12
Good evening, just had to reply to your post, so today was the actual day of the knock 7 years ago for my son wen he was just 19, please try to enjoy your holiday tomorrow and try to reassure your son that it will be all over one day and he can get on with his life , he is only young this doesn't need to define him, my son has forged a life for himself , hugs to both of you xx
Good evening, just had to reply to your post, so today was the actual day of the knock 7 years ago for my son wen he was just 19, please try to enjoy your holiday tomorrow and try to reassure your son that it will be all over one day and he can get on with his life , he is only young this doesn't need to define him, my son has forged a life for himself , hugs to both of you xx
Sofia, I'm so sorry that you find yourself here. My son got the knock over 2 years ago, he was also at uni - a high achieving, popular lad. Like your son, he was suicidal and was also self-harming. At one point I had every knife in the house hidden.
I can't tell you that the process has been easy - those first months were hellish - but we're out the other side now. To give you hope, he carried on with uni and has just achieved a first class honours degree. His charges were similar to your son's and he was given a community order which he's tackled full on and almost finished his hours.
I agree with rainyday that the police/holiday thing is bluster; they've barely got the resources to tackle people being stabbed in broad daylight. Make sure you comply with bail conditions but try not to panic (ha! what an easy thing to say and a difficult thing to achieve!).
Sending hugs and strength - bite-sized chunks and a day at a time x
I can't tell you that the process has been easy - those first months were hellish - but we're out the other side now. To give you hope, he carried on with uni and has just achieved a first class honours degree. His charges were similar to your son's and he was given a community order which he's tackled full on and almost finished his hours.
I agree with rainyday that the police/holiday thing is bluster; they've barely got the resources to tackle people being stabbed in broad daylight. Make sure you comply with bail conditions but try not to panic (ha! what an easy thing to say and a difficult thing to achieve!).
Sending hugs and strength - bite-sized chunks and a day at a time x
Thank you all so much for reaching out. I so appreciate your time and support. We are on holiday and are trying to relax but obviously I am on this forum right now so I know I need to manage the dark cloud above my head! 20 year olds are kids and I don't want to go on at my son but am so anxious all the time about bail conditions. I'm also so very scared he will try to end things again. We have lots of support in place but I realise I need to get myself some support pretty quickly and am going to follow up on your suggestions.
the solicitor said the police were just flexing their muscles. Here's hoping!
I really appreciated hearing from parents of young ones like my son - it all feels so hopeless.
thanks you all so much
the solicitor said the police were just flexing their muscles. Here's hoping!
I really appreciated hearing from parents of young ones like my son - it all feels so hopeless.
thanks you all so much