Two weeks on
Notifications OFF
This is my second post, two weeks after 'The Knock'.
I've been supporting my fiancé and seeing him every day, at his parents where he currently is staying. I have also decided to stand by him and stay together.
I’m not naive or stupid, far from it, I am an intelligent woman and this has not been an easy decision, but I love him, he’s my person, and that means I have been willing to hear him out. We’ve done a LOT of talking, I’ve done a LOT of soul searching, and I’ve made my mind up.
I realise this won’t sit well with my daughters or parents but I’m not doing it blindly and I’m hoping that, with time, the trust can be rebuilt.
All I’m asking is for them to trust ME and respect my decision right now.
This is what’s right for me, my happiness and my future.
He is ashamed, remorseful, has stopped, and has already started counselling and therapy, so that he can be with me and we can move forward.
From what I have ascertained so far, both from the police and him, is that he didn’t seek out to do this, he doesn’t fancy children, he became addicted to ‘regular’ porn through feeling that he couldn’t ‘perform’ for me (has a lot to do with his conditions, and stress, confirmed by a therapist, though not an excuse I know), and found himself down a wormhole. It was never little kids, but older teenagers made up to look older, and Japanese cartoons. Again, no excuse, it’s still wrong, but I’ve been willing to work through it with him, rather than immediately writing him off as a P word; which I have been told by experts he is not, that it is an umbrella term which is wrongly used to cover every aspect, when it reality it actually refers to a person who has had contact, which most people, like my OH, haven’t and would never entertain in real life.
He has never, even once, looked at the girls or their friends in that way whatsoever, and they know that. This ‘fantasy world’ was completely separate from real life, plus not something he thought about or did all the time, once in a blue moon.
I just remember - and I would’ve been the same if it happened to someone else - it’s not black and white.
He has had lots of support already and so have I. I know it's not unusual for partners to stay rather than walk away from a situation like this, as awful as it is. He is still him, the same person, and I know he loves me very very much (and the girls, as his stepdaughters). I’m not prepared to throw our life away when it can be saved. “Good people can sometimes do bad things” is what I keep being told by the police and counsellors, and that is my mantra.
We have done a lot of talking and both feel our relationship will be even better and stronger than before, it already is.
I need my daughters and parents to understand, need their support. I don’t expect them to be ok with him straight away, or to trust him at first, we have a mountain to climb, but I do expect them to trust ME and respect my decision.
It’s a strange time to get through, I need them to stand by me. Because it CAN and WILL be done.
They may not even bring charges against him as it’s minor compared to others, and so it probably won’t make the media even if they do. His solicitor is positive and it seems there is very little to go on, a Hentai cartoon by all accounts. But apparently, a short skirt and little t shirt on a cartoon counts as a schoolgirl.
So I’m choosing to be positive, this does not mean that I am ‘turning a blind eye’ because believe me, I’m not. Our future has conditions set by me, and by him, which includes having access to his devices, to which he has readily agreed, plus possibly having an old style phone with no internet.
I absolutely know that he adores me and will never dare to even entertain doing anything like this again, he is disgusted with himself and beyond grateful for a second chance with me. He would never jeopardise that again. He also knows there will not be a third chance.
None of this means I am in any way condoning what he did.
I typed all this in a message to my daughters, rather than speaking face to face, because it’s easier to make sure I’ve said everything I need to, without interruptions and losing my train of thought.
I don't know what I was expecting, I guess I was hoping that they'd seen it coming and would trust me enough to accept it. But they don't. They don't get it. I think it's the timeframe mostly, they just keep saying "It's been two weeks!" My eighteen year old said that we don't know the extent of it yet, my 22 year old said that if he moves back in "I'm out".
So I feel crushed, even though I totally get what they're saying and how they feel.
Thing is, the last two weeks feel like months to me because of all the time I've spent with him and how much talking we've done. To the girls, it's only just happened and is still so raw.
I feel like I've been given an ultimatum, and of course I would choose them every time. But what about my future happiness?
I've been supporting my fiancé and seeing him every day, at his parents where he currently is staying. I have also decided to stand by him and stay together.
I’m not naive or stupid, far from it, I am an intelligent woman and this has not been an easy decision, but I love him, he’s my person, and that means I have been willing to hear him out. We’ve done a LOT of talking, I’ve done a LOT of soul searching, and I’ve made my mind up.
I realise this won’t sit well with my daughters or parents but I’m not doing it blindly and I’m hoping that, with time, the trust can be rebuilt.
All I’m asking is for them to trust ME and respect my decision right now.
This is what’s right for me, my happiness and my future.
He is ashamed, remorseful, has stopped, and has already started counselling and therapy, so that he can be with me and we can move forward.
From what I have ascertained so far, both from the police and him, is that he didn’t seek out to do this, he doesn’t fancy children, he became addicted to ‘regular’ porn through feeling that he couldn’t ‘perform’ for me (has a lot to do with his conditions, and stress, confirmed by a therapist, though not an excuse I know), and found himself down a wormhole. It was never little kids, but older teenagers made up to look older, and Japanese cartoons. Again, no excuse, it’s still wrong, but I’ve been willing to work through it with him, rather than immediately writing him off as a P word; which I have been told by experts he is not, that it is an umbrella term which is wrongly used to cover every aspect, when it reality it actually refers to a person who has had contact, which most people, like my OH, haven’t and would never entertain in real life.
He has never, even once, looked at the girls or their friends in that way whatsoever, and they know that. This ‘fantasy world’ was completely separate from real life, plus not something he thought about or did all the time, once in a blue moon.
I just remember - and I would’ve been the same if it happened to someone else - it’s not black and white.
He has had lots of support already and so have I. I know it's not unusual for partners to stay rather than walk away from a situation like this, as awful as it is. He is still him, the same person, and I know he loves me very very much (and the girls, as his stepdaughters). I’m not prepared to throw our life away when it can be saved. “Good people can sometimes do bad things” is what I keep being told by the police and counsellors, and that is my mantra.
We have done a lot of talking and both feel our relationship will be even better and stronger than before, it already is.
I need my daughters and parents to understand, need their support. I don’t expect them to be ok with him straight away, or to trust him at first, we have a mountain to climb, but I do expect them to trust ME and respect my decision.
It’s a strange time to get through, I need them to stand by me. Because it CAN and WILL be done.
They may not even bring charges against him as it’s minor compared to others, and so it probably won’t make the media even if they do. His solicitor is positive and it seems there is very little to go on, a Hentai cartoon by all accounts. But apparently, a short skirt and little t shirt on a cartoon counts as a schoolgirl.
So I’m choosing to be positive, this does not mean that I am ‘turning a blind eye’ because believe me, I’m not. Our future has conditions set by me, and by him, which includes having access to his devices, to which he has readily agreed, plus possibly having an old style phone with no internet.
I absolutely know that he adores me and will never dare to even entertain doing anything like this again, he is disgusted with himself and beyond grateful for a second chance with me. He would never jeopardise that again. He also knows there will not be a third chance.
None of this means I am in any way condoning what he did.
I typed all this in a message to my daughters, rather than speaking face to face, because it’s easier to make sure I’ve said everything I need to, without interruptions and losing my train of thought.
I don't know what I was expecting, I guess I was hoping that they'd seen it coming and would trust me enough to accept it. But they don't. They don't get it. I think it's the timeframe mostly, they just keep saying "It's been two weeks!" My eighteen year old said that we don't know the extent of it yet, my 22 year old said that if he moves back in "I'm out".
So I feel crushed, even though I totally get what they're saying and how they feel.
Thing is, the last two weeks feel like months to me because of all the time I've spent with him and how much talking we've done. To the girls, it's only just happened and is still so raw.
I feel like I've been given an ultimatum, and of course I would choose them every time. But what about my future happiness?
Hi,
I'm in a similar situation nearly 3 years on. My older children who aren't his did not want contact but could understand why I wanted him to have contact with our daughter who I was pregnant with at the time. I split with him at the knock and he was on remand for six months until sentencing so not much opportunity to talk to each other. We have since started to rebuild our relationship, I have been honest with my children, parents and siblings about this and they support me but aren't ready to see him and to be honest some relationships feel strained. We are a few years away from living together again but I've approached this with my children as they have their lives to live and will make decisions that are right for them. They will always have a home with me if needed or wanted. Give your daughters space and time. It's not forever and you can have a relationship without living with your OH for now xxx
I'm in a similar situation nearly 3 years on. My older children who aren't his did not want contact but could understand why I wanted him to have contact with our daughter who I was pregnant with at the time. I split with him at the knock and he was on remand for six months until sentencing so not much opportunity to talk to each other. We have since started to rebuild our relationship, I have been honest with my children, parents and siblings about this and they support me but aren't ready to see him and to be honest some relationships feel strained. We are a few years away from living together again but I've approached this with my children as they have their lives to live and will make decisions that are right for them. They will always have a home with me if needed or wanted. Give your daughters space and time. It's not forever and you can have a relationship without living with your OH for now xxx
Hi K.Lulu
Im so sorry you are in this club that none of us want to be in.
You are very early in the process and most likely still in shock after the knock. It is not an easy journey and you will need a lot of support from people who will not judge or try and insist they know best. This is your life now and you have to do what makes "you" happiest. One thing I will say is to take one day at a time, this is a very unpredictable journey with lots of peaks and troughs. Other than the initial police interview I attended every single meeting with my husband and further police follow up, I had to know exactly what was going on and I needed openness., honesty and clarity. Family members will be hurt, they feel betrayed and say they worry about the effect this journey will have on you, your daughters are obviously the closest to you and will hurt more. My therapist always reminds me we have total control over our own actions but absolutely none over other peoples whoever they are. You have to make alot of choices and decisions during this journey, it will be extremely stressful so my advice now is for you to speak with your GP who will not tell you what decisions you have to make but will signpost you to services to help you both through this process, despite fighting against I did end up on antidepressants and 2.5 years post knock I am still having counselling and have had lots of runs of CBT. I was diagnosed with PTSD as a result. It was only with the help of therapy that I was able to make decisions that I felt were right and had no external influence with.
We are all here to offer help and support, we have all experienced the shock and distress after the initial knock and subsequent course of events. Please be kind to yourself and put "you" first. I hope for you things are not as bad as others have had to go through only time will tell. Please take care.
Katie xxx
Im so sorry you are in this club that none of us want to be in.
You are very early in the process and most likely still in shock after the knock. It is not an easy journey and you will need a lot of support from people who will not judge or try and insist they know best. This is your life now and you have to do what makes "you" happiest. One thing I will say is to take one day at a time, this is a very unpredictable journey with lots of peaks and troughs. Other than the initial police interview I attended every single meeting with my husband and further police follow up, I had to know exactly what was going on and I needed openness., honesty and clarity. Family members will be hurt, they feel betrayed and say they worry about the effect this journey will have on you, your daughters are obviously the closest to you and will hurt more. My therapist always reminds me we have total control over our own actions but absolutely none over other peoples whoever they are. You have to make alot of choices and decisions during this journey, it will be extremely stressful so my advice now is for you to speak with your GP who will not tell you what decisions you have to make but will signpost you to services to help you both through this process, despite fighting against I did end up on antidepressants and 2.5 years post knock I am still having counselling and have had lots of runs of CBT. I was diagnosed with PTSD as a result. It was only with the help of therapy that I was able to make decisions that I felt were right and had no external influence with.
We are all here to offer help and support, we have all experienced the shock and distress after the initial knock and subsequent course of events. Please be kind to yourself and put "you" first. I hope for you things are not as bad as others have had to go through only time will tell. Please take care.
Katie xxx
** UPDATE **
Today I have explained my decision to my mum, exactly how I told my daughters, as above.
I am so relieved to say that she listened, didn't judge, understands, accepts it and is extremely supportive. This has made me feel so much better.
Thank you for the replies ladies x
Today I have explained my decision to my mum, exactly how I told my daughters, as above.
I am so relieved to say that she listened, didn't judge, understands, accepts it and is extremely supportive. This has made me feel so much better.
Thank you for the replies ladies x
You are very early on in this process and you may not find out everything until charges are made. The problem is ( and I faced the same) that if no charges are made, your children will still know he did something and if he is charged being on the SOR will mean relationships for you with future grandchildren will be difficult. These men spoil our futures and you have to decide if he's worth it
Post deleted by user
Post deleted
Yes, you have to be very careful what you write on the forum and I've been hurt by the odd comment on here.
As part of this nasty journey we hear opinions from those around us we don't particularly like but I've learnt to respect that - they have a different take on our situation, we deal with it in our own way.
BUT we come on this forum for sympathy and support. Lord knows it's been my life-line for three years now - and the ONLY place to be at times when you feel alone. It hurts when people make blanket statements, don't we hear enough of those?........ please let's not hurt each other - aren't we hurt enough as it is?
As part of this nasty journey we hear opinions from those around us we don't particularly like but I've learnt to respect that - they have a different take on our situation, we deal with it in our own way.
BUT we come on this forum for sympathy and support. Lord knows it's been my life-line for three years now - and the ONLY place to be at times when you feel alone. It hurts when people make blanket statements, don't we hear enough of those?........ please let's not hurt each other - aren't we hurt enough as it is?
Post deleted
I've discovered from my own and others behaviour in the past that sometimes people make black and white decisions simply because they can't cope with the emotional turmoil that engaging with something tricky will cause them. For example when my dad developed dementia and needed us to look after him, my sister went AWOL and after we had a huge row about it I realised it was the only way she could cope with getting her head around the upset and seeing dad.
I know this is a different scenario altogether but I do think it's often what drives family and friends to distance themselves sometimes, although they might tell themselves that it's out of concern for you or safety for them. Of course not all situations fit in with this 'theory' but self protection is a very strong human emotion.
K-Lulu, your mum has taken the stronger but harder way and I salute her. It shows how much she loves and respects you and I hope that her way will rub off on your daughters, who are reacting in their own way at the moment.
You sound very strong and determined, but if you hit a wobbly patch in the future I hope this forum is a big lifeline for you.
PS Re a comment above, I'm the mum of an offender and it has obviously caused problems in the logistics of seeing our grandchildren as their daddy lives with us now, but with resolve, commitment and yes, a lot of 'inconvenience', we see as much as we can of them and it's a lovely distraction from all the other c**p that's going on. I appreciate that it's not like that for every grandparent on here and our situation could change in the future, but for now we're OK.
xxxx
I know this is a different scenario altogether but I do think it's often what drives family and friends to distance themselves sometimes, although they might tell themselves that it's out of concern for you or safety for them. Of course not all situations fit in with this 'theory' but self protection is a very strong human emotion.
K-Lulu, your mum has taken the stronger but harder way and I salute her. It shows how much she loves and respects you and I hope that her way will rub off on your daughters, who are reacting in their own way at the moment.
You sound very strong and determined, but if you hit a wobbly patch in the future I hope this forum is a big lifeline for you.
PS Re a comment above, I'm the mum of an offender and it has obviously caused problems in the logistics of seeing our grandchildren as their daddy lives with us now, but with resolve, commitment and yes, a lot of 'inconvenience', we see as much as we can of them and it's a lovely distraction from all the other c**p that's going on. I appreciate that it's not like that for every grandparent on here and our situation could change in the future, but for now we're OK.
xxxx
Well said!
Post deleted by user
Quand
i was just about to post a reply but could see that you've said everything I wanted to in your post. I totally agree . Whatever any of us' circumstances or decisions on our relationship paths we've all agonised over what is right for us and based our decisions on those factors . The majority of us support others in their own decisions regardless of if it's not the choice we'd make but we appreciate that is what feels right for them at the time. I don't think any of us on here are not aware of the effects on our lives in the future nor am i discrediting the fact that some on here have been treated disgustingly by their 'person' due to continual lies , narcissism and a host of other unacceptable traits which can give them a black/white mindset . But this 'journey' isn't black or white ... there's a bigger grey area in the middle for most of us and we all have to appreciate that to continue supporting each other . Also none of us condone their persons behaviour or minimise the effect and trauma to the poor children that lie at the root of all abuse . I personally find it triggering my anxiety and emotionally upsetting when some comments do not take any of this into account and push the opinion that unless we take the same route as them anything else is unacceptable . We are all riding this sh*#storm as best we can and need all the love and support we can get . Please let's all of us keep providing that virtual shoulder for each other and remembering to be kind . Sending each and every one of you my love and support whatever life is throwing at you and I hope we all eventually find some peace and happiness, God knows we all deserve it Xx
i was just about to post a reply but could see that you've said everything I wanted to in your post. I totally agree . Whatever any of us' circumstances or decisions on our relationship paths we've all agonised over what is right for us and based our decisions on those factors . The majority of us support others in their own decisions regardless of if it's not the choice we'd make but we appreciate that is what feels right for them at the time. I don't think any of us on here are not aware of the effects on our lives in the future nor am i discrediting the fact that some on here have been treated disgustingly by their 'person' due to continual lies , narcissism and a host of other unacceptable traits which can give them a black/white mindset . But this 'journey' isn't black or white ... there's a bigger grey area in the middle for most of us and we all have to appreciate that to continue supporting each other . Also none of us condone their persons behaviour or minimise the effect and trauma to the poor children that lie at the root of all abuse . I personally find it triggering my anxiety and emotionally upsetting when some comments do not take any of this into account and push the opinion that unless we take the same route as them anything else is unacceptable . We are all riding this sh*#storm as best we can and need all the love and support we can get . Please let's all of us keep providing that virtual shoulder for each other and remembering to be kind . Sending each and every one of you my love and support whatever life is throwing at you and I hope we all eventually find some peace and happiness, God knows we all deserve it Xx
KLulu I am so pleased that you have the support of your lovely mum. This is your first step to helping you through this . Time is a great healer and given that time others may change their minds . Sending love and hugs xx
Post deleted by user
Smile ...I am so sorry . What an impossibly difficult position for you to be in . Sending you a big hug xx
"These men spoil our futures and you have to decide if he's worth it"
Losteverything - this is deep and unfortunately so true :(
Losteverything - this is deep and unfortunately so true :(
Morning lovelies,
Thank you so much for all your replies, I really appreciate them.
Of course, I do realise that, once it comes to court/charges etc, I may well get another shock, and my best case scenario might not be the outcome. I am prepared for this.
However, at this exact moment in time, all I can go on is what I know (or have been told) so far. Yes, I am choosing to believe the best case scenario, because right now that's just what I need to do, for me, for my sanity, for the hope of a future. I trust my OH, rightly or wrongly, only I know him. I know he's been hiding this from me, but I can see how absolutely broken he is and how much he wants to 'make things right', work on himself and us etc. He is putting so much effort into it.
People react differently and I am an extremely strong woman. Obviously I'm dreading court/charges etc, but it's a long way off, who even knows how long, and my way of dealing with it in the meantime is just to try and keep some sense of normality.
It's hard, him not living at home, but we are making it work as he is at his parents which is only round the corner, literally two streets away. So we see each other every day, either daytime or evening.
The girls have accepted this as the 'new normal', obviously I'd prefer him to be at home, but they are not ok with that, so it's how it has to be.
I don't know when anything else will happen, or what the outcome will be, but I need to just live the best I can until then.
I must also add, and I'd be interested to hear other's experiences, but I am NOT happy with the police regarding the way they have handled the whole situation.
First of all, they lied to me to get into my house, and tried to persuade me to search without a warrant.
Then they promised all sorts of support for me, threw me a leaflet, called me the next day 'to check on my welfare', then when I started to talk they said 'oh we don't need to hear all that, we just want you to persuade him to give us his pin', they just tried to get to him through using me.
They also told me I HAD to tell my girls because they would be interviewed the following week - we haven't heard a thing. And that I HAD to tell my parents and my boss, which I did.
I feel like they want to cause as much devastation as possible and I'm fuming ????
Anyway, thanks again and I hope you're all doing as best you can x
Thank you so much for all your replies, I really appreciate them.
Of course, I do realise that, once it comes to court/charges etc, I may well get another shock, and my best case scenario might not be the outcome. I am prepared for this.
However, at this exact moment in time, all I can go on is what I know (or have been told) so far. Yes, I am choosing to believe the best case scenario, because right now that's just what I need to do, for me, for my sanity, for the hope of a future. I trust my OH, rightly or wrongly, only I know him. I know he's been hiding this from me, but I can see how absolutely broken he is and how much he wants to 'make things right', work on himself and us etc. He is putting so much effort into it.
People react differently and I am an extremely strong woman. Obviously I'm dreading court/charges etc, but it's a long way off, who even knows how long, and my way of dealing with it in the meantime is just to try and keep some sense of normality.
It's hard, him not living at home, but we are making it work as he is at his parents which is only round the corner, literally two streets away. So we see each other every day, either daytime or evening.
The girls have accepted this as the 'new normal', obviously I'd prefer him to be at home, but they are not ok with that, so it's how it has to be.
I don't know when anything else will happen, or what the outcome will be, but I need to just live the best I can until then.
I must also add, and I'd be interested to hear other's experiences, but I am NOT happy with the police regarding the way they have handled the whole situation.
First of all, they lied to me to get into my house, and tried to persuade me to search without a warrant.
Then they promised all sorts of support for me, threw me a leaflet, called me the next day 'to check on my welfare', then when I started to talk they said 'oh we don't need to hear all that, we just want you to persuade him to give us his pin', they just tried to get to him through using me.
They also told me I HAD to tell my girls because they would be interviewed the following week - we haven't heard a thing. And that I HAD to tell my parents and my boss, which I did.
I feel like they want to cause as much devastation as possible and I'm fuming ????
Anyway, thanks again and I hope you're all doing as best you can x
I have to agree with Lee, my own personal take is this also does not define my husband, he is a kind, generous and loving husband who is devastated to find himself in this position. Yes, our lives are different and we are now surrounded by a lot of different people but on a positive note this journey has made me stronger, less judgmental and I am no longer the walk over or the "yes" person I once was. This week we have had a terrible time, the police liaison have changed boundaries and we had a visit from x 2 new obnoxious officers, the original liaison were brilliant, they were engaging, understanding and totally non judgmental, the original told us he is now due annual visits only. My husband said he felt he was back at square one with these 2 guys, I did however manage to have the last say to them and when they were in the midst of challenging questions I told them this was not the way our previous visors had behaved and they needed to leave as I had to go to work. I stood at the front door and held it open till they left. I am sure their means and level of interrogation were inappropriate and disproportionate to where we are now. I have raised a complaint but will probably get nowhere but I felt I had to get it off my chest. As I've said before K. take one day at a time and give yourself space and time to process things. My husband has been doing brilliant since his sentencing, I don't want him to suffer any MH knock backs which could easily have happened after this latest visit, I will continue to love and support him through whatever and no matter what others think. Xxxx
K_Lulu, a lot of us on here have no time for the police now. I really didn't believe how devious, dishonest, two-faced and crafty they could be until this experience.
My OH is a retired police officer and he is absolutely disgusted at the way our son's OIC has behaved. She has made threats to our family, none of which have been carried out, so they were pure bluster because she made a mistake but wouldn't admit it (we had nothing to fear from any of them but they were hugely anxiety inducing). It's classic bullying tactics. And her admin efficiency is rubbish too!
We have found a solicitor mainly to avoid dealing directly with the police. Huge expense but the relief is worth it!
So sorry that you are realising this too, it's yet another stress in all the things we have to navigate.
My OH is a retired police officer and he is absolutely disgusted at the way our son's OIC has behaved. She has made threats to our family, none of which have been carried out, so they were pure bluster because she made a mistake but wouldn't admit it (we had nothing to fear from any of them but they were hugely anxiety inducing). It's classic bullying tactics. And her admin efficiency is rubbish too!
We have found a solicitor mainly to avoid dealing directly with the police. Huge expense but the relief is worth it!
So sorry that you are realising this too, it's yet another stress in all the things we have to navigate.
Thank you x
I'm glad it's not just me with the police then, although obviously saddened that this seems to be the norm wherever I'm the country we are.
I definitely feel their bullying tactics make an already awful situation even more devastating.
Yes, people don't have to agree with me about my stance on staying with my fiancé, I respect everyone's opinions, as long as they respect mine in return, it's all I ask.
I absolutely agree that this doesn't define them, especially when they are otherwise loving and caring partners/sons/brothers or whoever, and they show genuine remorse and willingness to change - people can and do.
No way am I prepared to throw my future happiness away, whatever the outcome, not when I know the sort of person he absolutely is.
Sending love and strength to all of you lovely ladies dealing with things we never thought we'd have to x
I'm glad it's not just me with the police then, although obviously saddened that this seems to be the norm wherever I'm the country we are.
I definitely feel their bullying tactics make an already awful situation even more devastating.
Yes, people don't have to agree with me about my stance on staying with my fiancé, I respect everyone's opinions, as long as they respect mine in return, it's all I ask.
I absolutely agree that this doesn't define them, especially when they are otherwise loving and caring partners/sons/brothers or whoever, and they show genuine remorse and willingness to change - people can and do.
No way am I prepared to throw my future happiness away, whatever the outcome, not when I know the sort of person he absolutely is.
Sending love and strength to all of you lovely ladies dealing with things we never thought we'd have to x
K_Lulu .... well said . This is exactly how I feel about my person too ( many wobbles here and there but more to do with the uncertainty of the future not my decision regarding him) Love and support sent to you all xx
K_Lulu,
I didn't want to read your post and not respond, but I just wanted to echo others' sentiments on here and say how admirable and level-headed your response is. Especially when you're so early on in the journey when emotions are undoubtedly high and in full flux.
You will know what is best for you - no one else. Wishing you support and strength. xx
I didn't want to read your post and not respond, but I just wanted to echo others' sentiments on here and say how admirable and level-headed your response is. Especially when you're so early on in the journey when emotions are undoubtedly high and in full flux.
You will know what is best for you - no one else. Wishing you support and strength. xx
** NOW 5 WEEKS ON **
OH and I are stronger than ever, we have fallen into a routine where we see each other every day/evening, with him currently living at his parents' two streets away.
My girls have accepted this 'new normal' although still don't want to see him.
However, my youngest is off to university at the end of September, miles away, and the plan before the knock was that we were taking her and all her stuff. She knows there is no way I will drive all the way up there, neither can I tolerate a long journey with her dad, who I separated from 11 years ago.
i have asked her to consider still letting me and OH take her, as I desperately want to take her, and she said she will think about it. I am praying that she decides to allow it, in fact I'm hoping she might possibly be thawing slightly, as she really misses him.
My older daughter on the other hand, still wants nothing to do with him, even though she had said to ' just let him move back in, what can I do about it?'. I desperately want him to come home, but don't want her to feel uncomfortable or unhappy in her safe space.
argh, it's so so hard, I'm so angry that the police made me tell them, by lying about them needing to be interviewed when we've heard nothing!!
Thank you for allowing me to vent, hope you all have one of your better days x
OH and I are stronger than ever, we have fallen into a routine where we see each other every day/evening, with him currently living at his parents' two streets away.
My girls have accepted this 'new normal' although still don't want to see him.
However, my youngest is off to university at the end of September, miles away, and the plan before the knock was that we were taking her and all her stuff. She knows there is no way I will drive all the way up there, neither can I tolerate a long journey with her dad, who I separated from 11 years ago.
i have asked her to consider still letting me and OH take her, as I desperately want to take her, and she said she will think about it. I am praying that she decides to allow it, in fact I'm hoping she might possibly be thawing slightly, as she really misses him.
My older daughter on the other hand, still wants nothing to do with him, even though she had said to ' just let him move back in, what can I do about it?'. I desperately want him to come home, but don't want her to feel uncomfortable or unhappy in her safe space.
argh, it's so so hard, I'm so angry that the police made me tell them, by lying about them needing to be interviewed when we've heard nothing!!
Thank you for allowing me to vent, hope you all have one of your better days x
Probably talking out of my hat (or back of my head or whatever the right phrase is!) but do you think it might help if your older daughter kind of 'gave permission' for her sister to allow this journey to University? Might the younger one feel she's being disloyal to her big sis if she agrees to it? I've no idea how close your girls are so please bypass this if it's no help at all! xx
Thank you for replying, I really appreciate it.
Yes she might feel disloyal, I didn't think of that, I could try mentioning it to the older one, not sure it would help though.
They are kinda close I guess, but the older one is taking a harder stance in this than the younger one.
I'll take your advice and give it a try though x
Yes she might feel disloyal, I didn't think of that, I could try mentioning it to the older one, not sure it would help though.
They are kinda close I guess, but the older one is taking a harder stance in this than the younger one.
I'll take your advice and give it a try though x