Trying to cope
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Hi this is my first post I'm so glad I found this place as I've struggled to find anywhere that offers support to families going through this nightmare. It's been over 2 months since 'the knock' and my partners bail is probably going to be extended. The limbo is just horrific, some days I feel I just can't cope. Partner insists he is innocent, his parents are supporting him and he is living with them as we have our younger child still living at home and he has supervised contact only. I want to run away from it all with my youngest and I keep planning in my head how I will sell the house and move area. Im havibg counselling and trying to take one day at a time. I feel sorry for my partner but at the same time I want to be free of all of this worry and pain.
Hi,
It's still early days for you and it's more than ok to think about yourself in all of this, you absolutely need to put yourself first. I know as a parent that doesn't feel like the natural order but you need to be well to care for your child. It's really positive that you have sought counselling so early on. Make whatever decisions are right for you in the now, you can always change your mind at a later stage regarding your relationship etc. The urge to runaway and start again can be overwhelming at times and some have found it beneficial to move, I wasn't in a financial position to move house but my person no longer lives with us and I've found that now things have settled down that's enough and I no longer have the urgency I had initially to move myself and the children.
I support my person from a distance at the moment, we split at the knock but I made the decision to support him as my daughters father. I have since decided to try to rebuild our relationship but we are taking things very slowly which as difficult as it is, is the right decision for me right now. There are many people on here who have stayed and also many who have left, it's a very personal choice and nobody knows what's right for you except you even if you don't have the answer yet. Give yourself some time and space to process and remember that you can always change your mind xxx
It's still early days for you and it's more than ok to think about yourself in all of this, you absolutely need to put yourself first. I know as a parent that doesn't feel like the natural order but you need to be well to care for your child. It's really positive that you have sought counselling so early on. Make whatever decisions are right for you in the now, you can always change your mind at a later stage regarding your relationship etc. The urge to runaway and start again can be overwhelming at times and some have found it beneficial to move, I wasn't in a financial position to move house but my person no longer lives with us and I've found that now things have settled down that's enough and I no longer have the urgency I had initially to move myself and the children.
I support my person from a distance at the moment, we split at the knock but I made the decision to support him as my daughters father. I have since decided to try to rebuild our relationship but we are taking things very slowly which as difficult as it is, is the right decision for me right now. There are many people on here who have stayed and also many who have left, it's a very personal choice and nobody knows what's right for you except you even if you don't have the answer yet. Give yourself some time and space to process and remember that you can always change your mind xxx
Thank you so much for your reply. The overwhelming feeling of being trapped and helpless seems to be something so many of us are dealing with. I have found when I dont see my partner I am able to cope better and I cant imagine being with him at home again. I had hinted to my 16 year old about moving but they took it badly, they love their home and their Dad so then I felt bad. Ive lived my life putting others first as Im sure many Mums on here have also. Ive got better at not letting my mind run away with me and Ive started a little diary so I can see some of the positives in all this mess. I hope you are doing ok, I will try keep posting, at the moment its just a brain dump but its been so reassuring finding this place.
Hi muggle
We're 1 year on now from the "knock" it does get easier, I still have days when my anxiety is through the roof but most of the time it's ok. My husband was bailed twice then Rui which was so much easier for us to spend time as a family, when he was on bail he wasn't allowed in the house when our children were there.
don't make any rush decisions our sw kept asking me if I plan to stay with my husband and I told her I'm not making any decisions yet. Things do get easier, we're gonna try keep busy over the summer holidays make as many memories as we can.
We're 1 year on now from the "knock" it does get easier, I still have days when my anxiety is through the roof but most of the time it's ok. My husband was bailed twice then Rui which was so much easier for us to spend time as a family, when he was on bail he wasn't allowed in the house when our children were there.
don't make any rush decisions our sw kept asking me if I plan to stay with my husband and I told her I'm not making any decisions yet. Things do get easier, we're gonna try keep busy over the summer holidays make as many memories as we can.
Hi Confused Wife, thanks for replying. It helps to know that things do get easier with time. My partner hasnt told his employer yet and that is worrying me, he has been off sick since the start but will need to tell them soon and they will probably suspend him but at least it will be on full pay. He has a solicitor now - the police have been awful, never letting you know anything and not an ounce of sympathy for families of the accused. I think in my mind I have seperated from him but I know this is probably a defence mechanism. He has been a great Dad and his kids love him I just can't seem to get past the absolute shock and horror of those first few weeks, I never want to feel like that again.
My husband didn't have much choice in telling his employer as the police arrested him at work so he was suspended straight away he wasn't in a job that put anyone at risk so it was really annoying, he was suspended for 6 months with full pay then they wanted him to resign luckily he was part of a union who pushed for a pay out as technical he is innocent still. It was very worrying at the time as he pays most of our mortgage and bills, but straight away he got himself back into training and got a job straight away worked extremely hard to do it. It's much better for him it's less demanding and better hours, I think he's job before caused a lot of stress and depression as it was shift work and he was working almost every day/hour.
does he need to tell his employer? If he doesn't then I wouldn't. I think I was like that at the start in my head I'd separated but my heart just knew I still loved him and still want to be a family. My children missed him so much at the start, they didn't see him for 5 weeks or even speak to him as I hadn't been allocated a sw yet and ss said I couldn't until I had sw allocated and they'd done there assessments.
When we had the knock it was like the police came in dropped a bomb and then left, I was on my own with my children as husband was at work. They didn't even tell me about this place I found it searching for help and advice, the police officer told me to ring her if I have any questions but left no number.
the shock does get easier over time, I do have moments when I look at him and just think wtf have you done! But we also have a lot of good moments.
does he need to tell his employer? If he doesn't then I wouldn't. I think I was like that at the start in my head I'd separated but my heart just knew I still loved him and still want to be a family. My children missed him so much at the start, they didn't see him for 5 weeks or even speak to him as I hadn't been allocated a sw yet and ss said I couldn't until I had sw allocated and they'd done there assessments.
When we had the knock it was like the police came in dropped a bomb and then left, I was on my own with my children as husband was at work. They didn't even tell me about this place I found it searching for help and advice, the police officer told me to ring her if I have any questions but left no number.
the shock does get easier over time, I do have moments when I look at him and just think wtf have you done! But we also have a lot of good moments.
Hi , I'm now 9 months from the knock that shattered my world and left me devastated. Still no closer to any resolve or ending . From the posts i read on here were all linked by the same pain and devastation but I'm so thankful to have this outlet . I'm really struggling at the moment as bail date been changed again (4th time). Its gut wrenching leading up to each one and then after you have to play pretend, brave face on again for however long till next date approaches .
Thanks love thats good to hear, Im definately still at the wtf stage and so angry at everything and everyone, but I also feel sorry for him and very afraid about what will happen to him and how he will cope.
The initial solicitor said he doesnt need to tell work however its likely it says in his contract that he needs to be open and transparent. He asked the union and they have said to be open so he will be. You can see the life you knew before being chipped away. I cant believe they pressured your husband to resign, how can they even do that when he hasnt been found guilty? Im glad he found something more suitable, you have to look for the positives dont you x
The initial solicitor said he doesnt need to tell work however its likely it says in his contract that he needs to be open and transparent. He asked the union and they have said to be open so he will be. You can see the life you knew before being chipped away. I cant believe they pressured your husband to resign, how can they even do that when he hasnt been found guilty? Im glad he found something more suitable, you have to look for the positives dont you x
Hi Muggle,
He doesn't have to tell his employer. My OH never did and he's 18 months post sentencing. We told no one except my sister and 2 close friends and so far no one has found out, so it is possible to keep it quiet.
I went through everything you're going through. I hated him when I wasn't with him, ibut when I seen him again I was reminded of the man I married and loved. It's just emotional turmoil, going back and forth with your feelings. Like yourself I wanted to move but my children loved their school and all their friends were in my area and I didn't feel I could do that to them, especially since they'd already had so much turmoil.
The only real advice I can give you is to remember that one day this will be a distant memory and you will get through it, as many of us on here have. If you're meant to be with your OH you will be, but take each day as it comes and don't feel you have to make a decision before you're ready to. Focus on the things you can control and take up something that you perhaps wouldn't have done while your OH was living with you. For me it was studying for a new career and exercise.
You will be ok, you'll find a strength you didn't know you had and you'll be so proud of yourself. As I say, your story is so similar to mine, including the long wait to be allocated a SW, so please feel free to message xx
He doesn't have to tell his employer. My OH never did and he's 18 months post sentencing. We told no one except my sister and 2 close friends and so far no one has found out, so it is possible to keep it quiet.
I went through everything you're going through. I hated him when I wasn't with him, ibut when I seen him again I was reminded of the man I married and loved. It's just emotional turmoil, going back and forth with your feelings. Like yourself I wanted to move but my children loved their school and all their friends were in my area and I didn't feel I could do that to them, especially since they'd already had so much turmoil.
The only real advice I can give you is to remember that one day this will be a distant memory and you will get through it, as many of us on here have. If you're meant to be with your OH you will be, but take each day as it comes and don't feel you have to make a decision before you're ready to. Focus on the things you can control and take up something that you perhaps wouldn't have done while your OH was living with you. For me it was studying for a new career and exercise.
You will be ok, you'll find a strength you didn't know you had and you'll be so proud of yourself. As I say, your story is so similar to mine, including the long wait to be allocated a SW, so please feel free to message xx
Hi Muggle
I'm so sorry you are in this place that none of us asked for. A lot of what you have said reminds me of my journey so far. I have had day dreams about selling up, leaving my job, starting afresh elsewhere but every day, I get up and do the same old routine. I think it's better to keep going and keep the status quo until things are better known.
I'm jealous that you have started counselling already. We had the knock back in winter and I was on the phone to my doctor the following week. I'm still on the waiting list for counselling. The NHS is a wonderful thing but the waiting lists are not great.
Apart from offering you a virtual big hug, I wanted to pick up on the point about telling your employer. Obviously I don't know who your partner works for or your situation but please check your terms and conditions of employment - both of you - to make sure there isn't a "change of circumstances" clause or similar.
Take care. x
I'm so sorry you are in this place that none of us asked for. A lot of what you have said reminds me of my journey so far. I have had day dreams about selling up, leaving my job, starting afresh elsewhere but every day, I get up and do the same old routine. I think it's better to keep going and keep the status quo until things are better known.
I'm jealous that you have started counselling already. We had the knock back in winter and I was on the phone to my doctor the following week. I'm still on the waiting list for counselling. The NHS is a wonderful thing but the waiting lists are not great.
Apart from offering you a virtual big hug, I wanted to pick up on the point about telling your employer. Obviously I don't know who your partner works for or your situation but please check your terms and conditions of employment - both of you - to make sure there isn't a "change of circumstances" clause or similar.
Take care. x
Thanks so much for your replies guys, sending you all a virtual hug, today I have felt a little spark of strength and that has come from posting here and reading through all the posts.
I know I'm lucky to have good support around me, my family and 2 friends I told have been amazing. I got counselling straight away via my company occupational health dept. so lucky there too. I'm so sorry to hear people are waiting ages to get an appointment as it really does help although its limited to 6 sessions. Im at a loss as to what he should do about work, the pressure is on for him to return from sick leave. I think now he has spoke to the union he will end up telling them and be suspended. Its a massive organisation so they will do things by the book, I just hope being honest doesnt backfire.
I know I'm lucky to have good support around me, my family and 2 friends I told have been amazing. I got counselling straight away via my company occupational health dept. so lucky there too. I'm so sorry to hear people are waiting ages to get an appointment as it really does help although its limited to 6 sessions. Im at a loss as to what he should do about work, the pressure is on for him to return from sick leave. I think now he has spoke to the union he will end up telling them and be suspended. Its a massive organisation so they will do things by the book, I just hope being honest doesnt backfire.