Help and guidance needed
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I apologise for the long post. I just need to say what's happening and anywhere else isn't appropriate.
A friend has signposted me here.
I really don't know where to start so I'll go from the beginning.
April last year I met a man via online dating. We hit it off straight away.
He told me he had separated from his wife and that was the reason he only saw his child the same day each week.
Few months down the line I wasn't able to get hold of him, he'd been arrested. He said we should end things but I had no idea what he was arrested for. Then he told me....
He said he had taken sexual images of his wife and shared them in a online chat room. The police had found that from his 1st arrest the year before for indecent images.
He'd been under investigation since September prior to us meeting in the April.
He explained whilst in that chat room for 'sleeping wives' porn he was sent a link, opened it and indecent images downloaded to his device.
Although in shock he explained further. I believed the indecent images were an accidental download. And he indicated that the situation with his wife wasnt as serious as it sounded.
I was contacted by the police July last year and said I didn't feel at risk.
He had bail conditions I wasn't aware of at first until after that call and that was the reason he couldn't see his son at all. He hadn't been seeing him once a week but he was attending a porn addicts group on that day.
Following that I began to question in more depth. Met with the same responses or drip fed information.
I asked questions because I wanted to know if I could stay with him, call me stupid but I already loved him.
A few months pass and several bail dates. No charge yet.
Then in January this year he attempted suicide. I knew when he stopped contacting something was wrong. I went to his house, no response. I called the police. They broke in and he was sent to hospital, he was very nearly gone. Since then I've worried if I dont hear from him. We contacted each other almost every day.
March/April this year his bail was again extended. I read the police report for why which brought more info to light about the whole situation but not all. It said he had performed child related searches online but there wasn't more detail. I asked him, he said he'd never.
But he confirmed he had viewed child images and videos but of older teens and that he had 2 downloads not 1, which went to multiple devices of his.
I've only ever asked a few questions about the situation with the potential charges surrounding his wife. I don't know why. But I knew more following the police report I read.
Come June he had a further interview with police, after which he acted differently. We remained together.
His case is now with the CPS awaiting charging details.
Since June my questions have intensified. 2 weeks ago I needed a break to get my head straight, or so I thought. I couldn't deal with the thoughts and questions in my head.
On that break I knew he wasn't telling the truth about the images. I confronted him, twice. On the 1st time he said there were multiple downloads which were all sorts of porn. Again he only viewed the older images.
I still couldn't rest so I asked again the second day. He has informed this has gone on for 8 years, it only stopped due to his first arrest.
He said child ages he viewed were from 11 onwards. He told me the first video that peaked his interest was of a 12 year old girl.
He told me he had done searches for specific video names.
He remains of the fact that he is not sexually interested in children it was more of watching what he shouldn't.
His instagram is riddled with 'bikini models'. I asked he removed them as I don't think he's healing well. This is where my thinking has come to, how pathetic am I.
I cried and told him he has not been truthful the whole time. He knew at one point I wanted a family. I don't have children of my own.
I came to the conclusion a while back I couldn't have a baby with him due to him eventually going to prison. And the consequences of that with being on the register. So I decided on sperm donor which I haven't even started yet and now don't know how.
I've only ever told a few friends about him. I guess I always had a sense something wasn't right. They don't know all the current details, only 2 do.
As we stand now he has ended things. He says for my benefit. But I've a feeling there's more to come out.
He says he feels guilty when I cry and I'm not attractive when I do. He basically doesn't want to hear me.
My brain is like scrambled egg. I'm upset we've ended. He's due to call me Wednesday, I don't know if I'll answer.
My mind says move on, my heart says hold on.
A friend has signposted me here.
I really don't know where to start so I'll go from the beginning.
April last year I met a man via online dating. We hit it off straight away.
He told me he had separated from his wife and that was the reason he only saw his child the same day each week.
Few months down the line I wasn't able to get hold of him, he'd been arrested. He said we should end things but I had no idea what he was arrested for. Then he told me....
He said he had taken sexual images of his wife and shared them in a online chat room. The police had found that from his 1st arrest the year before for indecent images.
He'd been under investigation since September prior to us meeting in the April.
He explained whilst in that chat room for 'sleeping wives' porn he was sent a link, opened it and indecent images downloaded to his device.
Although in shock he explained further. I believed the indecent images were an accidental download. And he indicated that the situation with his wife wasnt as serious as it sounded.
I was contacted by the police July last year and said I didn't feel at risk.
He had bail conditions I wasn't aware of at first until after that call and that was the reason he couldn't see his son at all. He hadn't been seeing him once a week but he was attending a porn addicts group on that day.
Following that I began to question in more depth. Met with the same responses or drip fed information.
I asked questions because I wanted to know if I could stay with him, call me stupid but I already loved him.
A few months pass and several bail dates. No charge yet.
Then in January this year he attempted suicide. I knew when he stopped contacting something was wrong. I went to his house, no response. I called the police. They broke in and he was sent to hospital, he was very nearly gone. Since then I've worried if I dont hear from him. We contacted each other almost every day.
March/April this year his bail was again extended. I read the police report for why which brought more info to light about the whole situation but not all. It said he had performed child related searches online but there wasn't more detail. I asked him, he said he'd never.
But he confirmed he had viewed child images and videos but of older teens and that he had 2 downloads not 1, which went to multiple devices of his.
I've only ever asked a few questions about the situation with the potential charges surrounding his wife. I don't know why. But I knew more following the police report I read.
Come June he had a further interview with police, after which he acted differently. We remained together.
His case is now with the CPS awaiting charging details.
Since June my questions have intensified. 2 weeks ago I needed a break to get my head straight, or so I thought. I couldn't deal with the thoughts and questions in my head.
On that break I knew he wasn't telling the truth about the images. I confronted him, twice. On the 1st time he said there were multiple downloads which were all sorts of porn. Again he only viewed the older images.
I still couldn't rest so I asked again the second day. He has informed this has gone on for 8 years, it only stopped due to his first arrest.
He said child ages he viewed were from 11 onwards. He told me the first video that peaked his interest was of a 12 year old girl.
He told me he had done searches for specific video names.
He remains of the fact that he is not sexually interested in children it was more of watching what he shouldn't.
His instagram is riddled with 'bikini models'. I asked he removed them as I don't think he's healing well. This is where my thinking has come to, how pathetic am I.
I cried and told him he has not been truthful the whole time. He knew at one point I wanted a family. I don't have children of my own.
I came to the conclusion a while back I couldn't have a baby with him due to him eventually going to prison. And the consequences of that with being on the register. So I decided on sperm donor which I haven't even started yet and now don't know how.
I've only ever told a few friends about him. I guess I always had a sense something wasn't right. They don't know all the current details, only 2 do.
As we stand now he has ended things. He says for my benefit. But I've a feeling there's more to come out.
He says he feels guilty when I cry and I'm not attractive when I do. He basically doesn't want to hear me.
My brain is like scrambled egg. I'm upset we've ended. He's due to call me Wednesday, I don't know if I'll answer.
My mind says move on, my heart says hold on.
If you read through this forum you will see that a lot of people stay witht their partner. However the common thread is that they are open and honest about their behaviour and work extremely hard with all avaiable help to address these issues.
Your partner sounds like hes doing neither. Personally I would not pick up that phone.
Your partner sounds like hes doing neither. Personally I would not pick up that phone.
I have chosen to stay, mainly for the reasons another worried mum said. And that we have become much more emotionally honest with each other since the knock.
I agree that he appears not to be honest nor working on his behaviour. His comments about you getting upset also make me doubt that he is capable on working through all this with you.
you have every right to be upset.
This forum is a great place to find support, whatever you choose.
hugs to you, it is so difficult and I am sorry you find yourself here
xx
I agree that he appears not to be honest nor working on his behaviour. His comments about you getting upset also make me doubt that he is capable on working through all this with you.
you have every right to be upset.
This forum is a great place to find support, whatever you choose.
hugs to you, it is so difficult and I am sorry you find yourself here
xx
Thank you for your responses.
He used to attend a sex addiction group once a week, that stopped.
He has counselling once a fortnight, reduced from every week.
He self medicates with alcohol where he becomes rude.
I've really tried to understand everything but I've always had the feeling things were left out.
He said he wouldn't like it if I was completely out his life but he's OK not being in a relationship.
He says he understands how I feel and feels guilty.
He said he doesnt want to waste anymore of my time.
He won't get any help from the doctors, I've mentioned about medication for his depression.
It's just very hard because I love him.
I've cried non stop since he ended things, to be given more information and split in the same day was too much.
I'm trying very hard to just gets to grips with getting up and working, having spent 2 solid days in bed feeling sorry for myself.
It's been a very complicated situation and I've been with him the whole way until now.
I've tried to explain the reality of it all to him.
I've no idea what his sentence will be.
Just feeling very lost.
I really appreciate your replies. Thank you xx
He used to attend a sex addiction group once a week, that stopped.
He has counselling once a fortnight, reduced from every week.
He self medicates with alcohol where he becomes rude.
I've really tried to understand everything but I've always had the feeling things were left out.
He said he wouldn't like it if I was completely out his life but he's OK not being in a relationship.
He says he understands how I feel and feels guilty.
He said he doesnt want to waste anymore of my time.
He won't get any help from the doctors, I've mentioned about medication for his depression.
It's just very hard because I love him.
I've cried non stop since he ended things, to be given more information and split in the same day was too much.
I'm trying very hard to just gets to grips with getting up and working, having spent 2 solid days in bed feeling sorry for myself.
It's been a very complicated situation and I've been with him the whole way until now.
I've tried to explain the reality of it all to him.
I've no idea what his sentence will be.
Just feeling very lost.
I really appreciate your replies. Thank you xx
Oh bless you.
I have stayed with mu OH. He was honest from day one and has worked so hard on being a better person. It's not been easy.
What resonates with me is your comments about having a baby. If you stay with him and have a child, even if not biologically his, SS will be involved. We had children prior to the knock, SS involvement has easily been the hardest part of this journey. Knowing what I know now, I would never choose to have a child with someone on the SOR no matter how much work or the circumstances.
If you really want children, think long and hard about staying with him . No man is worth that sacrifice, if motherhood is what you truly want.
I have stayed with mu OH. He was honest from day one and has worked so hard on being a better person. It's not been easy.
What resonates with me is your comments about having a baby. If you stay with him and have a child, even if not biologically his, SS will be involved. We had children prior to the knock, SS involvement has easily been the hardest part of this journey. Knowing what I know now, I would never choose to have a child with someone on the SOR no matter how much work or the circumstances.
If you really want children, think long and hard about staying with him . No man is worth that sacrifice, if motherhood is what you truly want.
Sweetheart.... you deserve so much more than this. How dare he treat you like this! Even taking the illegal stuff away, his actions are unsavoury and disrespectful to you.
It will feel very hard for a while but you will recover. Have confidence in your worth because you are worth so much more xx
It will feel very hard for a while but you will recover. Have confidence in your worth because you are worth so much more xx
I don't like his comment when he said you weren't attractive when you cried.
It shows disrespect towards you and a dismissal of your feelings.
Leaving the illegal stuff aside, ask yourself if his behaviour towards you is that one of a loving, caring partner.
It shows disrespect towards you and a dismissal of your feelings.
Leaving the illegal stuff aside, ask yourself if his behaviour towards you is that one of a loving, caring partner.
Thank you for your replies.
I've not always been the best to him and I feel guilty about that. My questions were intense and the sharpness of my tongue has run on a few occasions.
I've apologised to him for that.
I'm beating myself up. I won't make excuses.
I've had every emotion possible. For a period of time I was angry at myself and him.
I've told him he has disrespected me. Especially as I've always know I wasn't getting the whole truth. I worked myself into such a state over it. I've said to him he's had plenty of opportunities to tell me and decided not to until he's near being charged.
He has said he didn't think the police would find what they did. To this day I don't know what to believe.
The last time I saw him he was cold towards me. He said he was ending things for me. And that he couldn't handle not wanting to go to prison because he'd miss me.
He also said hes tried to leave before but we always go back to each other. I said to him if he really wanted to leave he could've found a way to break my heart without the need for months of lies. He could've just said he'd met someone else. Anything.
There has been plenty of times he has been very loving, caring and a good partner. That's why I've continued to be in his life. I thought we could get through it.
Its only the last few weeks hes changed. I really don't know what is going on. I'm nervous to even talk to him. I guess he just can't handle my high emotional state right now. He's always understood before. He never shouts or gets angry.
I'm so confused and hurt by it all.
I've not always been the best to him and I feel guilty about that. My questions were intense and the sharpness of my tongue has run on a few occasions.
I've apologised to him for that.
I'm beating myself up. I won't make excuses.
I've had every emotion possible. For a period of time I was angry at myself and him.
I've told him he has disrespected me. Especially as I've always know I wasn't getting the whole truth. I worked myself into such a state over it. I've said to him he's had plenty of opportunities to tell me and decided not to until he's near being charged.
He has said he didn't think the police would find what they did. To this day I don't know what to believe.
The last time I saw him he was cold towards me. He said he was ending things for me. And that he couldn't handle not wanting to go to prison because he'd miss me.
He also said hes tried to leave before but we always go back to each other. I said to him if he really wanted to leave he could've found a way to break my heart without the need for months of lies. He could've just said he'd met someone else. Anything.
There has been plenty of times he has been very loving, caring and a good partner. That's why I've continued to be in his life. I thought we could get through it.
Its only the last few weeks hes changed. I really don't know what is going on. I'm nervous to even talk to him. I guess he just can't handle my high emotional state right now. He's always understood before. He never shouts or gets angry.
I'm so confused and hurt by it all.
I came here to say what has already been said. I support my person through this journey because he has opened up completely to me.
Strangely enough we had a conversation today about how someone close to us speaks to his partner and my person said "If I spoke to you like that you'd probably deck me" He was absolutely correct, I would.
Crimes of this nature and addiction as a whole is very secretive but being honest is the starting point for recovery and rehabilitation. Your partner isn't behaving in a way that proves he has accepted responsibility for his actions. Ending things isn't for your benefit it's so he doesn't have to face what he has done in my opinion.
You have to work out what your boundaries are and the way you want your life to go. We are all here for you to write things down and clear your head a bit. Only you can decide what is right for you but sometimes taking a step back is helpful to allow yourself to make good decisions. I know it's hard when you don't have closure in the way that you want it to happen and I hope that you find peace whatever you choose xxx
Strangely enough we had a conversation today about how someone close to us speaks to his partner and my person said "If I spoke to you like that you'd probably deck me" He was absolutely correct, I would.
Crimes of this nature and addiction as a whole is very secretive but being honest is the starting point for recovery and rehabilitation. Your partner isn't behaving in a way that proves he has accepted responsibility for his actions. Ending things isn't for your benefit it's so he doesn't have to face what he has done in my opinion.
You have to work out what your boundaries are and the way you want your life to go. We are all here for you to write things down and clear your head a bit. Only you can decide what is right for you but sometimes taking a step back is helpful to allow yourself to make good decisions. I know it's hard when you don't have closure in the way that you want it to happen and I hope that you find peace whatever you choose xxx
Thank you. I've not spoke to him for a few days and I've ended up here, it's been good to get different aspects.
I don't blame myself for his crimes obviously, but I blame myself for us ending. Perhaps I wasn't the supportive partner I thought I was. I have no idea. I have many thoughts. And utterly at a loss.
At least I've some time off work soon to focus on being in a better place.
I don't blame myself for his crimes obviously, but I blame myself for us ending. Perhaps I wasn't the supportive partner I thought I was. I have no idea. I have many thoughts. And utterly at a loss.
At least I've some time off work soon to focus on being in a better place.