Confused and betrayed
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The police turned up at my door 2 weeks ago now asking to speak to myself and my husband together. I had to call him home from work but they did not want me to tell him why over the phone.
Our address had been flagged up as having someone viewing images of children online.
When my husband came home he denied the charges but the police asked him to come to the station to provide a statement. Two hours later they return and the police say that he has been up front and honest and that they will leave us to chat.
Turns out he has been chatting on an online group for the past 8 years about sex. He said to begin with it was general sex chat with other people but over time it became an addiction. But not an addiction to talking about sex but an addiction to chat in general and the amount of people who should chat to him.
As things progressed he learnt that if he put a woman's name he would have more people talking to him, then it was if he said he was a single woman there would be more people and it was an addiction to the traffic and the pings he was getting. This ultimately turned to people chatting to him about children. He does not know why he did it as he got no sexual gratification from it and it sounds stupid but it was just the need to chat. There were images shared by other people in the group which he obviously saw and is why he is being charged with possession.
It has shattered my world and feel so betrayed that he was just talking to others and creating sexual fantasies with strangers let alone including children into the mix.
We have seperated because of this and I just dont know where to go from here.
We have two children aged 12 and 16 and social services are happy for him to see them as long as I am there.
I am so scared for when this comes out in the courts and the media and how he will be labelled and how this will affect me and the children.
Our children do not know what he has done as I dont feel they need to know yet.
I do believe that he is not a treat to children and that he doesn't get anything sexual from looking at/talking about children but I just dont understand why he did it and for so many years.
Sorry for such a long post.
Our address had been flagged up as having someone viewing images of children online.
When my husband came home he denied the charges but the police asked him to come to the station to provide a statement. Two hours later they return and the police say that he has been up front and honest and that they will leave us to chat.
Turns out he has been chatting on an online group for the past 8 years about sex. He said to begin with it was general sex chat with other people but over time it became an addiction. But not an addiction to talking about sex but an addiction to chat in general and the amount of people who should chat to him.
As things progressed he learnt that if he put a woman's name he would have more people talking to him, then it was if he said he was a single woman there would be more people and it was an addiction to the traffic and the pings he was getting. This ultimately turned to people chatting to him about children. He does not know why he did it as he got no sexual gratification from it and it sounds stupid but it was just the need to chat. There were images shared by other people in the group which he obviously saw and is why he is being charged with possession.
It has shattered my world and feel so betrayed that he was just talking to others and creating sexual fantasies with strangers let alone including children into the mix.
We have seperated because of this and I just dont know where to go from here.
We have two children aged 12 and 16 and social services are happy for him to see them as long as I am there.
I am so scared for when this comes out in the courts and the media and how he will be labelled and how this will affect me and the children.
Our children do not know what he has done as I dont feel they need to know yet.
I do believe that he is not a treat to children and that he doesn't get anything sexual from looking at/talking about children but I just dont understand why he did it and for so many years.
Sorry for such a long post.
Hi Luna
So sorry you have joined our gang!
It's such early days for you, you must still have thoughts running round and round in your head.
The only little piece of advice I could give us to try and take each day at a time, try not to run too far ahead try not to make any hasty decisions and go with your gut. Don't think about what others may think, if they can't or won't support you then you're better off without them!
Please make sure you're kind to yourself, you need to stay strong for your children so you need to make sure your looked after. Perhaps go to see your GP if only to put yourself on their horizon.
Please ring the Lucy faithful helpline, they really can help you, especially in the early days when you don't know if you're coming or going!
Take care xx
So sorry you have joined our gang!
It's such early days for you, you must still have thoughts running round and round in your head.
The only little piece of advice I could give us to try and take each day at a time, try not to run too far ahead try not to make any hasty decisions and go with your gut. Don't think about what others may think, if they can't or won't support you then you're better off without them!
Please make sure you're kind to yourself, you need to stay strong for your children so you need to make sure your looked after. Perhaps go to see your GP if only to put yourself on their horizon.
Please ring the Lucy faithful helpline, they really can help you, especially in the early days when you don't know if you're coming or going!
Take care xx
Hi
wow, you sound like you are having a crap time. The knowing “why” question may never be answered, but at the moment take it slowly. At the beginning the fear will take over your life, but it does lessen with time. It comes back now and again but if you read people’s stories on here you will see that whatever their partner has done and if they stay together or they separate, they somehow get through it. X
wow, you sound like you are having a crap time. The knowing “why” question may never be answered, but at the moment take it slowly. At the beginning the fear will take over your life, but it does lessen with time. It comes back now and again but if you read people’s stories on here you will see that whatever their partner has done and if they stay together or they separate, they somehow get through it. X
Thank you. Things are still very fresh and raw. I have called the help line this evening and they have been very supportive. They recommend the same, take each day as it comes and make focus on myself. This is easier said than done. I will try. They suggested telling the children more but I just dont know where to start.
The first few days after I found out about my son I was just in a daze and I felt like life was never going to be the same again. I just felt the saddest I've ever been in my life but slowly I've been adjusting. It just takes time I think for your brain to process what has happened. Reading posts on here and reading other related stuff online really helped me. Be kind to yourself x
I agree.
I have only been on the forums a few days but its reassuring to hear that you are not alone.
Today has been a bad day, lots of tears but work has helped keep my mind occupied.
I have only been on the forums a few days but its reassuring to hear that you are not alone.
Today has been a bad day, lots of tears but work has helped keep my mind occupied.
Bad day for me too. More tears. One minute I think I can do this and stay with him, the next I feel like I hate him. I stand to loose my house and everything if he goes down. I just don't understand why I am even entertaining staying with him.
He is supposed to be going to AA to get on top of his drinking and obviously not watching porn. Well he only has a mobile with no internet access and no other devises in the property he is staying at, so I trust him when he says no porn has been watched, but his drinking is another matter. That seems to be worse. I understand that's probably due to this situation, but if he wants to get back with me he has to sort all his addictions out.
There is me trying not to spend anything because I know I am stuffed when he goes to prison and he is spending over £200 a month on drink. He has been told solicitors are going to cost about £9000 So what the hell is he doing.
Today I am tearful and just feel like putting my hands up and saying I have had enough and face the inevitable that I will work all hours God made, and have no life just to keep a roof over my head.
Sorry tearful rant over. Xx
He is supposed to be going to AA to get on top of his drinking and obviously not watching porn. Well he only has a mobile with no internet access and no other devises in the property he is staying at, so I trust him when he says no porn has been watched, but his drinking is another matter. That seems to be worse. I understand that's probably due to this situation, but if he wants to get back with me he has to sort all his addictions out.
There is me trying not to spend anything because I know I am stuffed when he goes to prison and he is spending over £200 a month on drink. He has been told solicitors are going to cost about £9000 So what the hell is he doing.
Today I am tearful and just feel like putting my hands up and saying I have had enough and face the inevitable that I will work all hours God made, and have no life just to keep a roof over my head.
Sorry tearful rant over. Xx
Rant away.
You cant turn off the love that you feel for him. It must be so frustrating aswell.
I understand how you feel, emotions are like a roller coaster or the time.
Hope you have someone to support you.
I have seperated form my husband but it's so difficult. I feel upset about the end of our relationship, then worried about how he is dealing with it all and his emotions. I have to remind myself that he made this bed and he needs to lie in it. Then I feel guilty about feeling that way.
You cant turn off the love that you feel for him. It must be so frustrating aswell.
I understand how you feel, emotions are like a roller coaster or the time.
Hope you have someone to support you.
I have seperated form my husband but it's so difficult. I feel upset about the end of our relationship, then worried about how he is dealing with it all and his emotions. I have to remind myself that he made this bed and he needs to lie in it. Then I feel guilty about feeling that way.
What you are feeling is completely normal. I chose to leave my husband but you can't just switch off your feelings, I loved my husband very much so had to come to terms with that on top of the rest of it!
I don't know the total amount my husband paid for his solicitor and barrister but hallway through he'd already paid 10k then he had another 2 court dates after that so I'd be really surprised if he had change from 15k. I know there are different prices in different parts of the country and even different companies you go too!
Of course the money issue just adds to the emotional toil you are going through.
Early days are just awful, you feel like death warned up, your mind doesn't switch off and you go through more emotions than you ever thought possible. It does get easier to deal with, I'm 14 months in and manage generally on a day to day basis but little things will knock me and I end up in tears again!!
You're doing great, keep coming on here both of you and adding questions, the changes are one of us has experienced it and can offer encouragement and advice
Xx
I don't know the total amount my husband paid for his solicitor and barrister but hallway through he'd already paid 10k then he had another 2 court dates after that so I'd be really surprised if he had change from 15k. I know there are different prices in different parts of the country and even different companies you go too!
Of course the money issue just adds to the emotional toil you are going through.
Early days are just awful, you feel like death warned up, your mind doesn't switch off and you go through more emotions than you ever thought possible. It does get easier to deal with, I'm 14 months in and manage generally on a day to day basis but little things will knock me and I end up in tears again!!
You're doing great, keep coming on here both of you and adding questions, the changes are one of us has experienced it and can offer encouragement and advice
Xx
Thank you.
Tracey, can I ask what your husband was charged with and the outcome. I presume all court appearances over now?.
Seems a massive amount of money.
Tracey, can I ask what your husband was charged with and the outcome. I presume all court appearances over now?.
Seems a massive amount of money.
My husband is having to look into legal aid for solicitors. I dont know how he/we will afford it otherwise.
My husband is being charged with possession but I dont know what class of photos. Didnt know there was any until all this happened.
It really is an awful time like you said not only have you got to cope with the police side of things but the seperation from the person you love and were suppose to spend the rest of your life with.
H
My husband is being charged with possession but I dont know what class of photos. Didnt know there was any until all this happened.
It really is an awful time like you said not only have you got to cope with the police side of things but the seperation from the person you love and were suppose to spend the rest of your life with.
H
Hi Dottie
He was charged with viewing Cat A images and Cat A videos, Cat B images, disgusting and obscene images of animals and distress caused to the children which they only charge you with of the children are young!
On the day in court for sentencing he was so arrogant,e the judge was really tough with him and went into graphic detail of what had been found - really horrific stuff. Anyway he ended up with a 12 month custodial sentence of which he's go to serve half, 10 years on the register and the harm to others. He's being released in September which I'm not looking forward to because I don't want to run into him!!
The was no media reporting of any part of his offenses which I know was more by much than judgement but when I spoke to the police afterwards they were really surprised he got a custodial, I think it was more his attitude that got him it than the offenses
Take care, you're doing really well xx
He was charged with viewing Cat A images and Cat A videos, Cat B images, disgusting and obscene images of animals and distress caused to the children which they only charge you with of the children are young!
On the day in court for sentencing he was so arrogant,e the judge was really tough with him and went into graphic detail of what had been found - really horrific stuff. Anyway he ended up with a 12 month custodial sentence of which he's go to serve half, 10 years on the register and the harm to others. He's being released in September which I'm not looking forward to because I don't want to run into him!!
The was no media reporting of any part of his offenses which I know was more by much than judgement but when I spoke to the police afterwards they were really surprised he got a custodial, I think it was more his attitude that got him it than the offenses
Take care, you're doing really well xx
Tracey. I am so worried for the court proceedings. Did you attend? My husband doesn't want me there. He is pleading guilt and knows that he has to deal with the consequences.
This is his first offence, what a first one to have!
Still in limbo as its early days. From reading peoples experiences it seems to be around a year before anymore police involvement?
H
This is his first offence, what a first one to have!
Still in limbo as its early days. From reading peoples experiences it seems to be around a year before anymore police involvement?
H
Thank you for your response Tracey . Think my husband is looking at all 3 categories as well. Then in the mix he was messaging a 17 yr old, him thinking that was legal. So possession and distribution.
Can't guess what the sentence will be but he is convinced it will be custodial and I'm thinking the same. The media scares me shitless excuse the language. I'm a complete mess. Having already been through a divorce I really didn't think or want to be back in that position again. Just feel like all my dreams have been crushed. I look at some people's lives, they have the same loving partner for life, lovely houses etc and just think what the hell did I do wrong. I'm a loving person that has a big heart, I care and I end up in this mess. As you can tell today I am feeling very sorry for myself.
I hope I will be in a place sometime in the future when I can give advice on here rather than just asking for emotional help and advice. Xx
Can't guess what the sentence will be but he is convinced it will be custodial and I'm thinking the same. The media scares me shitless excuse the language. I'm a complete mess. Having already been through a divorce I really didn't think or want to be back in that position again. Just feel like all my dreams have been crushed. I look at some people's lives, they have the same loving partner for life, lovely houses etc and just think what the hell did I do wrong. I'm a loving person that has a big heart, I care and I end up in this mess. As you can tell today I am feeling very sorry for myself.
I hope I will be in a place sometime in the future when I can give advice on here rather than just asking for emotional help and advice. Xx
Luna82, early days for me too. My husband doesn't want me at court either, says he can't stand seeing the hurt on my face when he goes down. I think it will be a long way off though as only a month since arrest.
Sending a hug your way. We all understand each other on here. Xx
Sending a hug your way. We all understand each other on here. Xx
Dottie its horrendous isn't it.
We have two children together aged 16 and almost 13, haven't told them why their dad is involved with the police just that he did something he shouldn't have done online.
The helpline suggested that I do tell them but I just dont know what to say.
This forum has been really helpful.
We have two children together aged 16 and almost 13, haven't told them why their dad is involved with the police just that he did something he shouldn't have done online.
The helpline suggested that I do tell them but I just dont know what to say.
This forum has been really helpful.
Hi Luna82 & all....
Doesn’t the sunshine help a good mood ????
I told my daughter (1 of 2) that her Dad was involved with the Police after around 11 weeks I think as she was speaking to someone in school after our separation and they advised me that she needed to know more information on why they weren’t seeing him.
Ive since found out a bit more and have told her as she asked me to be honest with her. She knows their Dad is a liar, but I never paint a bad picture of him as such. But I am honest and say that he’s a silly man and one day he will realise that.
I hope we all get through this. Apparently I’ve got another 2-3 months before knowing if he’ll be charged with anything....The wait is hard isn’t it.
keep going everyone, we are all fighting together x
Doesn’t the sunshine help a good mood ????
I told my daughter (1 of 2) that her Dad was involved with the Police after around 11 weeks I think as she was speaking to someone in school after our separation and they advised me that she needed to know more information on why they weren’t seeing him.
Ive since found out a bit more and have told her as she asked me to be honest with her. She knows their Dad is a liar, but I never paint a bad picture of him as such. But I am honest and say that he’s a silly man and one day he will realise that.
I hope we all get through this. Apparently I’ve got another 2-3 months before knowing if he’ll be charged with anything....The wait is hard isn’t it.
keep going everyone, we are all fighting together x
Hi Dottie
I just read your last message and am feeling totally the same!
I am absolutely terrified of any media coverage as well. I almost thought of going to the court and begging the reporter not to report anything! One thing we have done is ask the police if/when my partner is charged to not do a press release about him being charged, which they sometimes do on social media especially, the investigating officer said he would make of note of our request, we can only hope.
You will be ok, just take one day at a time. I feel so sad for you, I know exactly what you mean, I look at peoples lives with perfect husbands and wonder what did I do to deserve this!
Mabel x
I just read your last message and am feeling totally the same!
I am absolutely terrified of any media coverage as well. I almost thought of going to the court and begging the reporter not to report anything! One thing we have done is ask the police if/when my partner is charged to not do a press release about him being charged, which they sometimes do on social media especially, the investigating officer said he would make of note of our request, we can only hope.
You will be ok, just take one day at a time. I feel so sad for you, I know exactly what you mean, I look at peoples lives with perfect husbands and wonder what did I do to deserve this!
Mabel x
Hi Luna82
Our son aged 11 years old knows nothing about what his dad has done, I just can’t bring myself to tell him. He is a very good dad and my son adores him.
I keep thinking we will cross that bridge when we come to it if we need to tell him, if there is media coverage of what he’s done. He was released under investigation, a year ago since he was arrested we have heard nothing.
Even if our son does find out what his dad has done I will still never put my partner down about it, he is such a good dad and I will always stick up for him, crazy tho it may sound!
I am living one day at a time and not thinking too far into the future, otherwise I feel everything looks really bleak if I do think too far ahead!
Mabel x
Our son aged 11 years old knows nothing about what his dad has done, I just can’t bring myself to tell him. He is a very good dad and my son adores him.
I keep thinking we will cross that bridge when we come to it if we need to tell him, if there is media coverage of what he’s done. He was released under investigation, a year ago since he was arrested we have heard nothing.
Even if our son does find out what his dad has done I will still never put my partner down about it, he is such a good dad and I will always stick up for him, crazy tho it may sound!
I am living one day at a time and not thinking too far into the future, otherwise I feel everything looks really bleak if I do think too far ahead!
Mabel x
Hi Mabel.
I agree, even after what he has done hes not a bad person really hes just made a very stupid mistake and I would never portray him any other way to our children. It does scare me how he will be portrayed and i hope that it doesn't affect our children.
Taking each day as it comes. Some days I just feel so empty inside and void of any emotion. It's such a long wait from being arrested to the charges being made. I wish that it didnt take so long.
I'm still in contact with my husband and I know he is having a really tough time with our seperation and. One minute I worrying about him and second guessing my decisions as to how they will make him feel then I have to remind myself that I need to think about myself and the children now.
I agree, even after what he has done hes not a bad person really hes just made a very stupid mistake and I would never portray him any other way to our children. It does scare me how he will be portrayed and i hope that it doesn't affect our children.
Taking each day as it comes. Some days I just feel so empty inside and void of any emotion. It's such a long wait from being arrested to the charges being made. I wish that it didnt take so long.
I'm still in contact with my husband and I know he is having a really tough time with our seperation and. One minute I worrying about him and second guessing my decisions as to how they will make him feel then I have to remind myself that I need to think about myself and the children now.
Evening,
can I just say how brave you both are. You are supporting your husbands, whether or not you have separated and that shows your strength. Remember that when you’re having a bad day.
unfortunately, my ex-husband has really put us through it, then decided to spread lies about why he wasn’t seeing his children. I cannot express enough how I tried supporting him when he “wasn’t sure how he felt or what to do about us anymore” to find out he’d been having an affair. Literally living a whole different life with someone.
Madness how I didn’t see it and then all of this on top.
whether he gets charged or not, it sadly doesn’t change how he has treated the children and he won’t ever be forgiven for that.
Im petrified of media coverage and was offered to request to make him anonymous to help protect my girls, but I don’t think he deserves that. I am able to protect them and stand up for us, I’ve got this far and will continue to do so.
i just thought I’d say I was advised that to help, so you can maybe put in a request for it.
we live in a town where everyone knows everyone and I cannot get past the betrayal due to his lies. He’s everyone’s friend and it makes me sick because people don’t know what I’ve been dealing with for nearly 2 years, on top of dealing with the end of my marriage and the affair etc.
I cant sit and let myself think too often because I get too down.....
apologies for the rant.
can I just say how brave you both are. You are supporting your husbands, whether or not you have separated and that shows your strength. Remember that when you’re having a bad day.
unfortunately, my ex-husband has really put us through it, then decided to spread lies about why he wasn’t seeing his children. I cannot express enough how I tried supporting him when he “wasn’t sure how he felt or what to do about us anymore” to find out he’d been having an affair. Literally living a whole different life with someone.
Madness how I didn’t see it and then all of this on top.
whether he gets charged or not, it sadly doesn’t change how he has treated the children and he won’t ever be forgiven for that.
Im petrified of media coverage and was offered to request to make him anonymous to help protect my girls, but I don’t think he deserves that. I am able to protect them and stand up for us, I’ve got this far and will continue to do so.
i just thought I’d say I was advised that to help, so you can maybe put in a request for it.
we live in a town where everyone knows everyone and I cannot get past the betrayal due to his lies. He’s everyone’s friend and it makes me sick because people don’t know what I’ve been dealing with for nearly 2 years, on top of dealing with the end of my marriage and the affair etc.
I cant sit and let myself think too often because I get too down.....
apologies for the rant.
Sillyac you are showing far more strength than I am.
I suppose I am lucky in the sense that he is willing to follow my schedule and has so much remorse for what he has done. I cant imagine how much harder it must be for you.
Do you make the request through the police or through the local media? Its definitely something I will consider for the sake of our children. The helpline said it's a 50/50 chance of media coverage and depends on who else is in court that day.
Keep strong and I hope you can seek comfort from those around you x
I suppose I am lucky in the sense that he is willing to follow my schedule and has so much remorse for what he has done. I cant imagine how much harder it must be for you.
Do you make the request through the police or through the local media? Its definitely something I will consider for the sake of our children. The helpline said it's a 50/50 chance of media coverage and depends on who else is in court that day.
Keep strong and I hope you can seek comfort from those around you x
Thank you. I think everyone’s amazing on here and it’s strangely refreshing to read I’m not barking mad with how I feel most days....
the last time I saw him I told him I knew more about his situation and he laughed. He actually laughed and said I know nothing. I’d been to a police station the week before to relive my 14 years with him and he laughed.
Says it all I think.
Although, no one should be doing these things, showing remorse is a good thing.
my Mum is my best comfort, she’s usually hot wired, but has been so calm with me, I can’t thank her enough. A few friends know and are also great. I feel disappointed in my Dad & sister as they don’t even know what I know because my Dad can’t even ask how I am.....
had anyone else had that?
thank you x
the last time I saw him I told him I knew more about his situation and he laughed. He actually laughed and said I know nothing. I’d been to a police station the week before to relive my 14 years with him and he laughed.
Says it all I think.
Although, no one should be doing these things, showing remorse is a good thing.
my Mum is my best comfort, she’s usually hot wired, but has been so calm with me, I can’t thank her enough. A few friends know and are also great. I feel disappointed in my Dad & sister as they don’t even know what I know because my Dad can’t even ask how I am.....
had anyone else had that?
thank you x
Sillyac my best friend has been the one who I can talk to and although it was a shocking for her as it was for me she is being so supportive.
I've told my mum but we never really had what you would call a close relationship and we don't talk about what's going on often. She will ask how I am etc and I think she wants to but its hard for both of us. Rest of the family dont know.
It sounds like you have been so strong and brave. I also have found talking to people on here has helped and like you say its reassuring to know that what you're feeling is normal.
Raking each day as it comes, let's hope today is a day we can all claw our ways through.
I've told my mum but we never really had what you would call a close relationship and we don't talk about what's going on often. She will ask how I am etc and I think she wants to but its hard for both of us. Rest of the family dont know.
It sounds like you have been so strong and brave. I also have found talking to people on here has helped and like you say its reassuring to know that what you're feeling is normal.
Raking each day as it comes, let's hope today is a day we can all claw our ways through.
Hi Sillyac
You are doing so well considering!
Yes don’t think about the future, it has really helped me a lot.
Do you mind if I ask with regard to the media ban that you were offered for him to be anonymous to protect your girls? I just wondered wha is the process to be offered that? I too am petrified of any media coverage as our son know nothing about what has happened!
If poosible I would like my partner to be anonymous to protect our son.
thanks
Mabel x
You are doing so well considering!
Yes don’t think about the future, it has really helped me a lot.
Do you mind if I ask with regard to the media ban that you were offered for him to be anonymous to protect your girls? I just wondered wha is the process to be offered that? I too am petrified of any media coverage as our son know nothing about what has happened!
If poosible I would like my partner to be anonymous to protect our son.
thanks
Mabel x
Hi
Yes I did go to court, I went to all the crown court dates. The reason I did it was because he'd lied and lied all the way through and I needed to know why my marriage, my life, my world was totally screwed!
The police never told me anything due to data protection and only started speaking to me once I was going to be a witness, only then did I know dates etc.
I didn't realise your could ask not to be put on the media sites with the police, I just think we were so lucky that we never made as kind of media as that it always everyone's worst nightmare
Xx
Yes I did go to court, I went to all the crown court dates. The reason I did it was because he'd lied and lied all the way through and I needed to know why my marriage, my life, my world was totally screwed!
The police never told me anything due to data protection and only started speaking to me once I was going to be a witness, only then did I know dates etc.
I didn't realise your could ask not to be put on the media sites with the police, I just think we were so lucky that we never made as kind of media as that it always everyone's worst nightmare
Xx
Hi all.
i am in a similar position with not knowing anything. They were only able to tell me once I’d been called in to make a statement.
I am just in shock that there is no support offered & so glad I was told about this forum.
I too will be going to court due to all the lies he has obviously told me, I just feel other than having my children (which of course I am so grateful for without doubt) my life is one big lie..
Tracey - if you don’t mind me asking, how long was it all once the court process started?
My husband (at the time) left at the end of 2016, with him ending the marriage in Jan 2017, so the thought of all this going in to 2020 is horrible. But it is what it is.
Thank you all and we will all get through this x
i am in a similar position with not knowing anything. They were only able to tell me once I’d been called in to make a statement.
I am just in shock that there is no support offered & so glad I was told about this forum.
I too will be going to court due to all the lies he has obviously told me, I just feel other than having my children (which of course I am so grateful for without doubt) my life is one big lie..
Tracey - if you don’t mind me asking, how long was it all once the court process started?
My husband (at the time) left at the end of 2016, with him ending the marriage in Jan 2017, so the thought of all this going in to 2020 is horrible. But it is what it is.
Thank you all and we will all get through this x
Hi
He'd been to magistrates court but I don't know when, he first went to crown court at the end on Nov 2018 and pleaded NG, he was given another date in Feb 2019 to provide the evidence the court needed but he couldn't do he then went guilty. He was sentenced on 22nd March, my mum's 80th birthday!!!
Xx
He'd been to magistrates court but I don't know when, he first went to crown court at the end on Nov 2018 and pleaded NG, he was given another date in Feb 2019 to provide the evidence the court needed but he couldn't do he then went guilty. He was sentenced on 22nd March, my mum's 80th birthday!!!
Xx
Thank you Tracey...
Im so sorry such a rubbish situation landed on what should have been a day of only celebration. I hope your Mum had a good 80th and you managed to celebrate it with her?
looking at those timescales, it definitely looks as though this will be dragged into next year. Rubbish.
Same as everyone, I just want it dealt with so I know where I stand with my children and what I have ahead of us once and for all...
thank you again xx
Im so sorry such a rubbish situation landed on what should have been a day of only celebration. I hope your Mum had a good 80th and you managed to celebrate it with her?
looking at those timescales, it definitely looks as though this will be dragged into next year. Rubbish.
Same as everyone, I just want it dealt with so I know where I stand with my children and what I have ahead of us once and for all...
thank you again xx
Hi Mabel, sorry I’ve just woken up and thought I didn’t reply about being anonymous!
Citizens Advice told me about it, so get in and see them to find out more I would....
I haven’t used a solicitor since my divorce, as he doesn’t even try to contact the children or anything, but will go if I need to:
x
Citizens Advice told me about it, so get in and see them to find out more I would....
I haven’t used a solicitor since my divorce, as he doesn’t even try to contact the children or anything, but will go if I need to:
x
Thanks you so much Sillyac for your reply.
yes I will definitely contact Citizens Advice, I really hope we can do it!
thanks again, I will let everyone on here know how we get on.
Mabel x
yes I will definitely contact Citizens Advice, I really hope we can do it!
thanks again, I will let everyone on here know how we get on.
Mabel x
When it happened to me 2 years ago, my ex begged me not to go to court, saying he couldn't hold it together if I was there. Truth is I found out exactly what her was viewing, he told me he on looked at 13 year old girls masterbating. No it wasn't, it was 8 year old girls being anally raped and orally raped. That's what he didn't want me to find out. I was told my the offender's management guy, that all paedophile will lie and never to believe anything he says.
So my advice to you is if you want to know the truth then go to the court, be be ready to hear some horrific details.
Good luck. X
So my advice to you is if you want to know the truth then go to the court, be be ready to hear some horrific details.
Good luck. X
Also it's already been in the paper twice, next court case is Wednesday at crown court for sentencing so will be in the paper again probably with a photo! But saying that I haven't had anyone say anything horrible to me, it was also all over Facebook and people were sympathetic towards me and only angry and death threats to my ex. I was scared people would shout horrible things to me, I know it could still happen when it goes back in the paper, but I'm hopeful they will leave me alone.
Hi Cher.
Do you mind me asking how it all came about? And how long it has been going on for?
I know exactly how you feel about court as have told the Policeman all along that it’s the only way of getting the truth.
I hope you’re doing as well as you can be xx
Do you mind me asking how it all came about? And how long it has been going on for?
I know exactly how you feel about court as have told the Policeman all along that it’s the only way of getting the truth.
I hope you’re doing as well as you can be xx
That must have been awful for you Cher.
My husband said he doesn't want me there as it will open up wounds which he Hope's will be healed by then but now I'm wondering if theres more to it and he is hiding the severity of it all.
My husband said he doesn't want me there as it will open up wounds which he Hope's will be healed by then but now I'm wondering if theres more to it and he is hiding the severity of it all.
Luna82
I'm feeling exactly the same. My husband doesn't want me at court either and now I'm having anxiety issues as to whether there is more to this than he has told me.
This whole thing is a nightmare, I'm fed up with behaving at work like nothing is wrong. Today I have been on a safeguarding course today to do with work, I am a safeguarding lead at work and it just all makes my stomach churn.
On top of all that I'm fed up with people going on about their holidays etc they are going on when I won't be going anywhere for a very long time as I will be in financial difficulties if he gets a custodial sentence, or looses his job.
Guess I'm still feeling sorry for myself and finding it hard to find any positives from this situation.
I'm feeling exactly the same. My husband doesn't want me at court either and now I'm having anxiety issues as to whether there is more to this than he has told me.
This whole thing is a nightmare, I'm fed up with behaving at work like nothing is wrong. Today I have been on a safeguarding course today to do with work, I am a safeguarding lead at work and it just all makes my stomach churn.
On top of all that I'm fed up with people going on about their holidays etc they are going on when I won't be going anywhere for a very long time as I will be in financial difficulties if he gets a custodial sentence, or looses his job.
Guess I'm still feeling sorry for myself and finding it hard to find any positives from this situation.
Hi Mabel
Trying not to think of future but it is so hard. I'm sitting here on a Friday night just me and my dog "Dottie" but it's lonely. I didn't envisage my future like this. I'm not one for wanting to spend too much time by myself and with my children now in their 20's they are not around so much now.
Hope you are feeling better today. Xx
Trying not to think of future but it is so hard. I'm sitting here on a Friday night just me and my dog "Dottie" but it's lonely. I didn't envisage my future like this. I'm not one for wanting to spend too much time by myself and with my children now in their 20's they are not around so much now.
Hope you are feeling better today. Xx
Dottie
I know how you feel. Its hard not to overthink but you can't help thinking what the future will bring.
I think I will ask him face to face if there is more to it and brave attending his court hearing in the distant future. I hope that there isn't more to it but then I never thought something like this would ever happen to us.
I work with children and its hard putting on a 'happy' face for the children and parents. The girls I work with know that we have seperated but not the reason why.
This chapter in our lives will make us stronger people in the long run but the journey is hell.
I know how you feel. Its hard not to overthink but you can't help thinking what the future will bring.
I think I will ask him face to face if there is more to it and brave attending his court hearing in the distant future. I hope that there isn't more to it but then I never thought something like this would ever happen to us.
I work with children and its hard putting on a 'happy' face for the children and parents. The girls I work with know that we have seperated but not the reason why.
This chapter in our lives will make us stronger people in the long run but the journey is hell.
Good evening,
The sad part about being lied to is the reality that the liar can lie about anything.
I’ve realised that, but never in a million years would I ever have thought anything like this. I realise that he was a bully to me. Not with physical abuse, but making me feel bad for thinking things weren’t right. For making me feel like there was something wrong with me!
I now know it was all him and just a cover up for how he was living a lie! Sickening.
I am so scared as to if my children have been subject to anything, or have seen things they shouldn’t. I am hoping I would know of even notice by now.
What really gets me, is if someone is capable of looking at a child sexually, what stops them from looking at their own child in the same way. Answer; Nothing.
I fought for him to see his children because I thought he loved them and regardless of his stupidness, he loved them and was a great Dad!
Now, well...The disappointment and the thought of him being around them ever again makes me feel physically sick. I know the police must have enough evidence worthy of a charge, but what that is and why is beyond me. Whichever way though, their Dad just hasn’t bothered. It upset me and infuriated me at first, but now I’m glad. I have 2 amazing children who will know right from wrong and sadly will know that their Dad has done wrong.
Should I shield them from it? Probably yes. Should they know that someone should be punished for doing wrong? Yes. Sadly this time, that person is their Dad and that’s that.
How we all get past this, I don’t know. But everyone’s lives are certainly helping me through, so thank you.
keep going xx
The sad part about being lied to is the reality that the liar can lie about anything.
I’ve realised that, but never in a million years would I ever have thought anything like this. I realise that he was a bully to me. Not with physical abuse, but making me feel bad for thinking things weren’t right. For making me feel like there was something wrong with me!
I now know it was all him and just a cover up for how he was living a lie! Sickening.
I am so scared as to if my children have been subject to anything, or have seen things they shouldn’t. I am hoping I would know of even notice by now.
What really gets me, is if someone is capable of looking at a child sexually, what stops them from looking at their own child in the same way. Answer; Nothing.
I fought for him to see his children because I thought he loved them and regardless of his stupidness, he loved them and was a great Dad!
Now, well...The disappointment and the thought of him being around them ever again makes me feel physically sick. I know the police must have enough evidence worthy of a charge, but what that is and why is beyond me. Whichever way though, their Dad just hasn’t bothered. It upset me and infuriated me at first, but now I’m glad. I have 2 amazing children who will know right from wrong and sadly will know that their Dad has done wrong.
Should I shield them from it? Probably yes. Should they know that someone should be punished for doing wrong? Yes. Sadly this time, that person is their Dad and that’s that.
How we all get past this, I don’t know. But everyone’s lives are certainly helping me through, so thank you.
keep going xx
I feel the same about my children. Do they need to know? How can I tell them? How old are your children ? Mine are 16 and 13 next month. My oldest has been through such a tough time already finding who they are inside and has suffered from mental health issues. Would this be too much for them? But I agree they do need to know at some point.
Luna82
Mine are 12.5 & nearly 5. My eldest has known since November ish 2017 that the police were involved in their Dad’s life. Then, recently she asked me to be honest as I’d heard he was remarrying. She wanted to know what ever I knew.
To me it is so important to be honest, but there is such a thing as honesty being child friendly. I found out when his wedding was and told her the day before so it gave him a chance to make contact and tell them himself. *joke*
My eldest now knows that I went to the police station and that they believe he was messaging a young girl. Regardless of being friends or not, being a grown married man with children, that’s not right...I’d found out they are looking at a year timeline (awful) meaning he was father and husband in our family home when this began. Stupidly, as he’d got arrested after leaving etc, I assumed whatever he was under investigation for, was after he left.
My eldest took it reasonably well. She said “It’s good.” *Imagine the horror on my face* I said pardon and she said “It’s good he’s in trouble if he’s done something wrong” No words can describe how proud I am of her. I have found out more, due to pestering the officer for it, but as I don’t know what or if he’ll be charged, it can wait I think. My gut feeling is to leave it for now.
Their names have been changed to a preferred name for now and we’ll go from there in time.
IF you know he has done something and is likely to be in trouble and things have changed for the children, then I would sit them down and be honest with them. It’ll be one of if not the hardest thing ever, but in my opinion they should be prepared.
Both of my children love their Dad, but I have a torn 12 year old who understands and a clueless 5 year old that loves and misses him even though he left when she was 2!!
Xx
Mine are 12.5 & nearly 5. My eldest has known since November ish 2017 that the police were involved in their Dad’s life. Then, recently she asked me to be honest as I’d heard he was remarrying. She wanted to know what ever I knew.
To me it is so important to be honest, but there is such a thing as honesty being child friendly. I found out when his wedding was and told her the day before so it gave him a chance to make contact and tell them himself. *joke*
My eldest now knows that I went to the police station and that they believe he was messaging a young girl. Regardless of being friends or not, being a grown married man with children, that’s not right...I’d found out they are looking at a year timeline (awful) meaning he was father and husband in our family home when this began. Stupidly, as he’d got arrested after leaving etc, I assumed whatever he was under investigation for, was after he left.
My eldest took it reasonably well. She said “It’s good.” *Imagine the horror on my face* I said pardon and she said “It’s good he’s in trouble if he’s done something wrong” No words can describe how proud I am of her. I have found out more, due to pestering the officer for it, but as I don’t know what or if he’ll be charged, it can wait I think. My gut feeling is to leave it for now.
Their names have been changed to a preferred name for now and we’ll go from there in time.
IF you know he has done something and is likely to be in trouble and things have changed for the children, then I would sit them down and be honest with them. It’ll be one of if not the hardest thing ever, but in my opinion they should be prepared.
Both of my children love their Dad, but I have a torn 12 year old who understands and a clueless 5 year old that loves and misses him even though he left when she was 2!!
Xx
Thank you for the advice Sillyac.
I think I will have a think about what to say and be honest with them. Being in the teen years they will be familiar with some cyber/internet dos and dont's.
Hopefully I will be able to tell them in a way that gives them to information they need without going too far in depth.
I think I will have a think about what to say and be honest with them. Being in the teen years they will be familiar with some cyber/internet dos and dont's.
Hopefully I will be able to tell them in a way that gives them to information they need without going too far in depth.
Luna82
The stop it now helpline told me it would be best if I tell my line manager as I am the DSL and for complete transparency and honesty so that if it does get out it shows I wasn't hiding anything. The conversation with my boss was a hard one and tears flowed from both of us. She was totally non judgemental and will not be telling anyone, but at least she knows why my head is all over the place at work. She has started to change my name on stuff even before I have my deed poll through.
I couldn't tell my best friend coz she is a nanny and would probably support me but absolutely hate my husband, which will be no good if I do decide to make a go of it. Not that I know what decision I will make yet as don't know my arse from my head these days.
I go to bed every night hoping I will wake up and it was all just a REALLY BAD dream. Sending love your way and hoping the weekend will bring some relief for us. Xx
The stop it now helpline told me it would be best if I tell my line manager as I am the DSL and for complete transparency and honesty so that if it does get out it shows I wasn't hiding anything. The conversation with my boss was a hard one and tears flowed from both of us. She was totally non judgemental and will not be telling anyone, but at least she knows why my head is all over the place at work. She has started to change my name on stuff even before I have my deed poll through.
I couldn't tell my best friend coz she is a nanny and would probably support me but absolutely hate my husband, which will be no good if I do decide to make a go of it. Not that I know what decision I will make yet as don't know my arse from my head these days.
I go to bed every night hoping I will wake up and it was all just a REALLY BAD dream. Sending love your way and hoping the weekend will bring some relief for us. Xx
Dottie
I told my DSL and head the day after the police turned up. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I was so worried that it would affect my job. They were really supportive and reassuring. Haven't spoken to them about it since.
My best friend has been great, she's the only one I spoken to the most. My mum and other close family know why hes involved with the police but I don't feel comfortable talking about it with them. This group has been good for talking with other people who are in the same situation.
I hope that everyone manages to have as good a weekend as we can.
I told my DSL and head the day after the police turned up. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I was so worried that it would affect my job. They were really supportive and reassuring. Haven't spoken to them about it since.
My best friend has been great, she's the only one I spoken to the most. My mum and other close family know why hes involved with the police but I don't feel comfortable talking about it with them. This group has been good for talking with other people who are in the same situation.
I hope that everyone manages to have as good a weekend as we can.