Staying in your marriage
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Hi everyone.
Unfortunately a fellow "new member" here. Apologies for the longer post, I suppose I need to vent and express how I'm feeling.
My husband, who I have been with for over ten years, was recently charged and released under investigation for possession iioc. Ironically, my father was also under the same charges a few years ago. I was/am currently going through therapy to deal with this childhood trauma...and then this happened.
My husband is a wonderful man. He is flawed, and human, and he has made mistakes but in his soul he is good, and honest and loving. Everyone who knows him, everyone who meets him - you can't help but love and respect him. So of course, this charge has completely rocked my world. I'm not completely niave into thinking he never looked at porn, but the arrest for iioc has totally blindsided me. He claims that he completely believed any images he's viewed were legal - whether I 100% believe that (as he was under the influence of a secret cocaine dependency) still remains to be seen.
My question is, I suppose...has anyone here stayed with their spouse despite the allegations? We have no children so I don't have that in common with many people on here - most seem to stay together/leave for "the good of the children". I'm staying with him, at the moment, because I love him and I can't imagine my life without him.
He has done everything - and I mean everything - to prove that he is working on himself. He's attended every meeting - mandatory or not - and apart from these charges is the most wonderful husband I could ask for. In short, he is my world.
However - can there be life after this? Can I ever trust him again? He has, in effect, taken our choice away for having children in the future as we have/are struggling with infertility. We discussed adoption, but now that seems like a distant dream.
Along with the isolation I feel as I can't talk to family or friends about what I'm going through, I also feel like a "stupid wife". You know, the sort that stand by their man despite all of the clear red flags waving in front of their face.
Im not sure what I'm looking for on this forum, but I'm hoping that there is a woman out there who is going through something similar - a childless, loving wife who loves their husband but wasn't sure how things would pan out.
I'm in limbo as to whether to leave him and try to start a new life - despite how sad and depressing that looks and sounds. Or whether to stick it out and possibly live to regret it.
Please be kind in the comments, I'm struggling more than I let on. Thankyou.
Unfortunately a fellow "new member" here. Apologies for the longer post, I suppose I need to vent and express how I'm feeling.
My husband, who I have been with for over ten years, was recently charged and released under investigation for possession iioc. Ironically, my father was also under the same charges a few years ago. I was/am currently going through therapy to deal with this childhood trauma...and then this happened.
My husband is a wonderful man. He is flawed, and human, and he has made mistakes but in his soul he is good, and honest and loving. Everyone who knows him, everyone who meets him - you can't help but love and respect him. So of course, this charge has completely rocked my world. I'm not completely niave into thinking he never looked at porn, but the arrest for iioc has totally blindsided me. He claims that he completely believed any images he's viewed were legal - whether I 100% believe that (as he was under the influence of a secret cocaine dependency) still remains to be seen.
My question is, I suppose...has anyone here stayed with their spouse despite the allegations? We have no children so I don't have that in common with many people on here - most seem to stay together/leave for "the good of the children". I'm staying with him, at the moment, because I love him and I can't imagine my life without him.
He has done everything - and I mean everything - to prove that he is working on himself. He's attended every meeting - mandatory or not - and apart from these charges is the most wonderful husband I could ask for. In short, he is my world.
However - can there be life after this? Can I ever trust him again? He has, in effect, taken our choice away for having children in the future as we have/are struggling with infertility. We discussed adoption, but now that seems like a distant dream.
Along with the isolation I feel as I can't talk to family or friends about what I'm going through, I also feel like a "stupid wife". You know, the sort that stand by their man despite all of the clear red flags waving in front of their face.
Im not sure what I'm looking for on this forum, but I'm hoping that there is a woman out there who is going through something similar - a childless, loving wife who loves their husband but wasn't sure how things would pan out.
I'm in limbo as to whether to leave him and try to start a new life - despite how sad and depressing that looks and sounds. Or whether to stick it out and possibly live to regret it.
Please be kind in the comments, I'm struggling more than I let on. Thankyou.
Hi Exhausted&confused , firstly you are never alone once you are in this horrendous situation. Unfortunately there are many in this forum all living this nightmare . You will have so much support in here .
I'm still with my husband and I dont know what the future holds for us yet. We are 9 months after the knock. I promised I would see it through and I will no matter what . We do have children together though but they are grown up now. There's never a right or wrong answer to staying with them it's your situation . No one on here would ever judge only support. It's the loneliest situation to be in Unfortunately. Sending hugs x
I'm still with my husband and I dont know what the future holds for us yet. We are 9 months after the knock. I promised I would see it through and I will no matter what . We do have children together though but they are grown up now. There's never a right or wrong answer to staying with them it's your situation . No one on here would ever judge only support. It's the loneliest situation to be in Unfortunately. Sending hugs x
Hi, I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this, I'm also new to this forum. I think we have all experienced the same emotions about our partners/family members regardless of having kids or not. For me my defence mechanism is dreaming of a fresh start without my partner as I cant see myself living with this hanging over me for the rest of my life. Then I feel desperately sad and guilty as he hasnt even been charged with anything as yet and maintains his innocence. I also know if the tables were turned he would stand by me through anything.
Only you know your relationship and how you feel. There is no right or wrong answer, we are all just doing our best. Im working on trying not to look too far ahead as it can be overwhelming, just take it as it comes, one step at a time x
Only you know your relationship and how you feel. There is no right or wrong answer, we are all just doing our best. Im working on trying not to look too far ahead as it can be overwhelming, just take it as it comes, one step at a time x
Hi,
I'm sorry you find yourself here and completely empathise with the emotional confusion you are feeling. My journey has highlighted the fact that just as I had no control over the events that lead to this I have no control over events or others actions in the future. I am only responsible for my own actions and can only control my responses to whatever the future presents. When I was faced with 'the knock' I thought my life was over, the trauma seemed too much to comprehend and I didn't feel strong enough to face what lay ahead. From arrest to charge took 18 months, it was the most surreal and hellishly confusing period of my life but here I am, still standing.
I've chosen to stay in my 17 year marriage, not because I am naive or class myself as gullible or stupid but because I see the whole man not just the event. My husband faced a communication charge with no iioc or contact. This was with a police decoy in a chat room where the conversation was lead from the norm to the taboo. He is a man of good character, he had a responsible job, had no previous history or criminal convictions and should have known better. I do not condone his behaviour or his betrayal, he made the biggest mistake of his life to date but this can't be changed. Despite projections and recommendations of a suspended sentence by everyone including prosecution the judge on the day served a 32 month custodial sentence. This again seemed too much to bare but here we are 7.5 months in. I can't control the future but I will not live in the past. We have one life and I won't let this define mine. Your choices need to be yours and not based on the opinion of others, those choices may change in the future and that's ok too.
Practice self care, build your emotional resilience & strength, seek therapy if you feel it will benefit you, look at holistic wellbeing and learn to live in the now as it's all we have.
Sending strength xx
I'm sorry you find yourself here and completely empathise with the emotional confusion you are feeling. My journey has highlighted the fact that just as I had no control over the events that lead to this I have no control over events or others actions in the future. I am only responsible for my own actions and can only control my responses to whatever the future presents. When I was faced with 'the knock' I thought my life was over, the trauma seemed too much to comprehend and I didn't feel strong enough to face what lay ahead. From arrest to charge took 18 months, it was the most surreal and hellishly confusing period of my life but here I am, still standing.
I've chosen to stay in my 17 year marriage, not because I am naive or class myself as gullible or stupid but because I see the whole man not just the event. My husband faced a communication charge with no iioc or contact. This was with a police decoy in a chat room where the conversation was lead from the norm to the taboo. He is a man of good character, he had a responsible job, had no previous history or criminal convictions and should have known better. I do not condone his behaviour or his betrayal, he made the biggest mistake of his life to date but this can't be changed. Despite projections and recommendations of a suspended sentence by everyone including prosecution the judge on the day served a 32 month custodial sentence. This again seemed too much to bare but here we are 7.5 months in. I can't control the future but I will not live in the past. We have one life and I won't let this define mine. Your choices need to be yours and not based on the opinion of others, those choices may change in the future and that's ok too.
Practice self care, build your emotional resilience & strength, seek therapy if you feel it will benefit you, look at holistic wellbeing and learn to live in the now as it's all we have.
Sending strength xx
I've stayed with my husband. We've been together over ten years. Yes we have children but they are young enough to not know about any of this but I didn't stay with him for our children I stayed, for him and myself we are a separate unit to our family unit. I did consider leaving but I also see the ashamed look on his face the remorse of what his done and the continued actions he takes daily to show he is working on himself
Hello,
i completely empathise with everything you said in your post.
We're 3 weeks post knock and I'm still very much with my fiancé of 5 years. As shocked as I was/am, it only took a few days, a LOT of talking and a LOT of soul searching to decide I was going to stand by him.
Like you, I see the whole person, and he is the most wonderful partner. He's broken, devastated, remorseful and being grateful to have a second chance with me. I love him, he's my person, my world, and that's that.
i too am am an intelligent, articulate, strong woman and I'm not naïve or doing this with my eyes closed. I truly believe that he is a good person at his core, just very, very stupid got becoming addicted to porn and going down this taboo wormhole.
He was arrested and RUI for accessing IIOC which he insists were older teenagers, and Hentai cartoons, that he never searched for it, groomed anyone or even considered acting on it. He doesn't fancy children and his online ' activities' were completely separate from real life. I know he adores me and our life together and would never jeopardise it again.
i don't care if I sound naïve, I know him and our life.
We don't have children together, he can't have them due to a condition called Klinefelter's syndrome, which affects his mood, energy levels and libido too. He also has ADHD and ASD.
i have two daughters who are 22 & 18. The police told me I had to tell them as they would need to be interviewed a couple of weeks ago - we haven't heard a thing.
They were devastated as they love him as their stepfather and insist they never felt uncomfortable with him, and he never once looked at them 'in that way'.
However, they've since said they can forgive him and believe he's changed, but they can never trust him again, Out look at him in the same way, so he is still living in his parents summerhouse, fortunately only a couple of streets away.
They think I was too quick to make a decision and are just concerned about me.
i see him every day but I just want him back home, however, the girls aren't ok with that, so it's difficult.
But basically, you are not on your own because I too feel exactly the same about my OH s as you do.
PS my mum also knows we are still together and is extremely understanding, scripting and supportive, which is a relief, although we haven't shared that with my dad as yet.
Of course, I'm not looking forward to the next steps, and not knowing how long it will take, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Keep on keeping on, sending love x
i completely empathise with everything you said in your post.
We're 3 weeks post knock and I'm still very much with my fiancé of 5 years. As shocked as I was/am, it only took a few days, a LOT of talking and a LOT of soul searching to decide I was going to stand by him.
Like you, I see the whole person, and he is the most wonderful partner. He's broken, devastated, remorseful and being grateful to have a second chance with me. I love him, he's my person, my world, and that's that.
i too am am an intelligent, articulate, strong woman and I'm not naïve or doing this with my eyes closed. I truly believe that he is a good person at his core, just very, very stupid got becoming addicted to porn and going down this taboo wormhole.
He was arrested and RUI for accessing IIOC which he insists were older teenagers, and Hentai cartoons, that he never searched for it, groomed anyone or even considered acting on it. He doesn't fancy children and his online ' activities' were completely separate from real life. I know he adores me and our life together and would never jeopardise it again.
i don't care if I sound naïve, I know him and our life.
We don't have children together, he can't have them due to a condition called Klinefelter's syndrome, which affects his mood, energy levels and libido too. He also has ADHD and ASD.
i have two daughters who are 22 & 18. The police told me I had to tell them as they would need to be interviewed a couple of weeks ago - we haven't heard a thing.
They were devastated as they love him as their stepfather and insist they never felt uncomfortable with him, and he never once looked at them 'in that way'.
However, they've since said they can forgive him and believe he's changed, but they can never trust him again, Out look at him in the same way, so he is still living in his parents summerhouse, fortunately only a couple of streets away.
They think I was too quick to make a decision and are just concerned about me.
i see him every day but I just want him back home, however, the girls aren't ok with that, so it's difficult.
But basically, you are not on your own because I too feel exactly the same about my OH s as you do.
PS my mum also knows we are still together and is extremely understanding, scripting and supportive, which is a relief, although we haven't shared that with my dad as yet.
Of course, I'm not looking forward to the next steps, and not knowing how long it will take, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Keep on keeping on, sending love x
Please excuse the typos!
Hello,
I've not long reactivated my account but wanted to reach out as your situation resonated with me. We are 4 years post knock this November and we have stayed together. We don't have kids and like others have mentioned I didn't make the decision to stay lightly. After 20 odd years together I know my person and seeing the look of horror and shame on his face when the police told him why they were here was enough for me to know he hadn't done it on purpose.
It has been difficult at times, covid delayed the investigation and then we had the delights of media coverage and the fall out from that. In some ways our relationship is better for all we have been through although intimacy is still an issue as his libido died the day the police knocked on the door.
I do yoga and walking to clear my mind and meditate and this helped me through the process. We have also retained a sense of humour and laugh at the silliest things.
I could have walked away but I made the decision to stay and support and that is not a decision I regret. I am a stronger person for all we've been through.
Sending love and feel free to message if you have any questions x
I've not long reactivated my account but wanted to reach out as your situation resonated with me. We are 4 years post knock this November and we have stayed together. We don't have kids and like others have mentioned I didn't make the decision to stay lightly. After 20 odd years together I know my person and seeing the look of horror and shame on his face when the police told him why they were here was enough for me to know he hadn't done it on purpose.
It has been difficult at times, covid delayed the investigation and then we had the delights of media coverage and the fall out from that. In some ways our relationship is better for all we have been through although intimacy is still an issue as his libido died the day the police knocked on the door.
I do yoga and walking to clear my mind and meditate and this helped me through the process. We have also retained a sense of humour and laugh at the silliest things.
I could have walked away but I made the decision to stay and support and that is not a decision I regret. I am a stronger person for all we've been through.
Sending love and feel free to message if you have any questions x
You don't need to make a decision yet take as long as you need . Your person is very lucky to still have your support so he'll be patient I'm sure . I'm 8 months post sentencing. 3 years probation 5 years sor . I'm still taking things one day at a time. We still have long conversations about it all as we both don't want to brush the 'elephant in the room ' under the carpet but we are also dating and having lots of fun . It's like a new relationship now . I do worry about what will happen if people found out , and how many people I'd loose . It's still an issue for me and we are working on it . Stay or leave , it's totally up to you and take as long as you need xx
I am also still with my husband after 34 years of being together we got the knock 1.5 years ago and still waiting of the outcome , long story short he was sexually abuse by male teacher aged 12-13 at the age of 42 started doubting his sexually when on gay web sites which then let him to using kik platform got into group chats that a couple of cat c images where put on he swears he has no interest in children and I believe him . He has contemplated committing suicide after his arrest as he thought he had lost everything . I do believe his abuse has played a massive part in this and I can't help feeling sorry for him I do love him and we do have open conversations about the matter everything out in the open , I'm just worried sick of the out come and people finding out I just wish they would hurry up as it's killing me inside not sure how I will cope with what's to come