Not quite dodged a bullet
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Hi im new here. My ex OH was arrested less than 2 weeks ago. We had been together 5 years. He was my 'new start' first boyfriend after the breakup of my marriage of 26 years to the father of my kids. I moved in with him 3.5 years ago and I had just bought into his property. We'd been back from our first holiday abroad together less than 48 hours before his arrest. I thought I was happy. I sat for an hour, alone and stunned when he was taken away, the with a clarity of mind that came from nowhere I packed some things and took them to a friend's (just saying that we'd had an argument and I might need to be away for a while). I collected him from the police station 9 hours after his arrest. He was broken, crying, shaking, incoherent. We got home and I asked him for the truth. He told me he had got chatting to someone ok Kik during lockdown and that he had found and shared pictures and engaged in fantasies. He said he didn't know the girls were underage. He has said in messages since i left that it was 'just play', that it was a stress release, he is troubled and an addict but that he's a good man and he loves me. He feels he has been targeted for 'so little'. He agreed for me to be present when he was arrested so the police officer was able to tell me that it was 'serious', the conversations she had read were 'not very nice' and that one of the girls was under the age of 13. We have been communicating and I've told him that his behaviour, when I thought we had a loving relationship and healthy sex life, makes me feel inadequate and worthless. I feel stupid for trusting him, for ignoring suspicious behavior, and giving him most of my money for half of his house. Also for discounting the fact that my children and friends didn't like him. I'm grateful that we were not married and he isn't the father of my children, but feel like I've just wasted 5 years of my life. Sorry for rambling, this still doesn't seem real. My one question at the stage is this: should I tell his daughter? She's in her twenties and lives abroad. When he was arrested and they took his phone I messaged to say it was broken and being repaired (I thought that he might be released without charge and I didn't want to upset her or destroy their relationship - he was charged and bailed). However, when (if?) this becomes public she will ask why I didn't tell her. She doesn't understand why I left so suddenly and why we can't work it out. He's told her he was looking at a bit of porn and messaging someone but had never done anything in person. She's so lovely and I hate to be dishonest but I want to spare her if possible.
Thanks for listening x
Thanks for listening x
Hi Karina,
I'm so sorry you have found yourself on this forum but it really is the best place to come and ask, cry, rant, share bad news, share good news (yes, that does happen!)
The description of how you're feeling is so similar to many/most of us in those early days. I'm a mum not a partner but felt some of those emotions as well. Many of us have left their partners but many have stayed (or only left temporarily) and the regular advice on here from those who have been through it is that you don't have to make any life-changing decisions quickly. This process takes such a long time and your feelings will go up and down like a yo-yo.
I would say that your ex's insistence that it's only a small thing is a bit of a red flag, especially if he sticks to that and it's not just his way of coping in the early days. Not being willing to admit he needs help and then actively trying to seek it from places like LFF, is not a hopeful sign I'm afraid, so fingers crossed he has a change of heart asap. Also, although your arresting officer might be really kind and helpful, many aren't unfortunately, and my own and other's experience is that they will paint the worst picture possible, exaggerating and even lying. That might sound a bit OTT but I'm afraid it's a lesson some of us here have had to learn the hard way, so don't make any big decisions based on what the OIC tells you, wait until you read the actual charge sheet (or your Ex discloses to you himself.)
You ask about telling his daughter. My instinct is to say 'no' as this is her father's mess and he is the one to tell her himself, although I know that puts you in an awkward spot if you talk to her and have to keep avoiding telling her the truth. I would think a lot more of your OH if he did the brave thing and told her himself to spare you this dilemma. Perhaps he thinks that as she lives overseas he can avoid telling her altogether? I'm assuming you wouldn't be happy colluding with that (I wouldn't!) but you need to be on the same page together about this.
Anyway, a bit of a ramble and maybe not much help! But we see you, Karina, and we are all here for you so please take heart from that xxx
I'm so sorry you have found yourself on this forum but it really is the best place to come and ask, cry, rant, share bad news, share good news (yes, that does happen!)
The description of how you're feeling is so similar to many/most of us in those early days. I'm a mum not a partner but felt some of those emotions as well. Many of us have left their partners but many have stayed (or only left temporarily) and the regular advice on here from those who have been through it is that you don't have to make any life-changing decisions quickly. This process takes such a long time and your feelings will go up and down like a yo-yo.
I would say that your ex's insistence that it's only a small thing is a bit of a red flag, especially if he sticks to that and it's not just his way of coping in the early days. Not being willing to admit he needs help and then actively trying to seek it from places like LFF, is not a hopeful sign I'm afraid, so fingers crossed he has a change of heart asap. Also, although your arresting officer might be really kind and helpful, many aren't unfortunately, and my own and other's experience is that they will paint the worst picture possible, exaggerating and even lying. That might sound a bit OTT but I'm afraid it's a lesson some of us here have had to learn the hard way, so don't make any big decisions based on what the OIC tells you, wait until you read the actual charge sheet (or your Ex discloses to you himself.)
You ask about telling his daughter. My instinct is to say 'no' as this is her father's mess and he is the one to tell her himself, although I know that puts you in an awkward spot if you talk to her and have to keep avoiding telling her the truth. I would think a lot more of your OH if he did the brave thing and told her himself to spare you this dilemma. Perhaps he thinks that as she lives overseas he can avoid telling her altogether? I'm assuming you wouldn't be happy colluding with that (I wouldn't!) but you need to be on the same page together about this.
Anyway, a bit of a ramble and maybe not much help! But we see you, Karina, and we are all here for you so please take heart from that xxx