How do you cope with the pain?
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Oh my lovely. Yes I remember your post.
I was slightly different as the relationship wasn't great, but the offence absolutely changed my life and will impact on me and the children forever (due to what came out)
But ... no one can make the choice for you. I had to move (finances, house prices affordability etc) had to relocate, gave up my fab dream job (with fab futures prospects and terms and conditions) gave up my friends... upset of leaving the school as me and the children loved the school
but... I couldn't let it define me, and who I was. It was ruddy hard and 2 years later it still is. The children asked today if Santa brings presents to homeless kids .... we are still living in temp accommodation. What a question...
but ... getting to the point... it was a change of mindset. Seeing the positive that a new life would be ok, it would get better and I can restart my life ...
we are getting there, but the decisions you have to make will be hard, but they need to be your decisions. And it helps to have all the information, so you know your options, your possibilities and what needs to happen.
I said to my boss early on in the process it felt like a death without the headstone and the niceities. If you can speak to professionals, but what I realised, the relationship was a lie. I look back on the good times, and they weren't real. In my case. So it is now time to focus on what is real, what has meaning, what the truth is, integrity and respect. I won't be hurt again, nor will the children.
Take one day at a time, and it will be rocky for a while, but you will get support, for the decisions that are right when you have the information.
take care x
I was slightly different as the relationship wasn't great, but the offence absolutely changed my life and will impact on me and the children forever (due to what came out)
But ... no one can make the choice for you. I had to move (finances, house prices affordability etc) had to relocate, gave up my fab dream job (with fab futures prospects and terms and conditions) gave up my friends... upset of leaving the school as me and the children loved the school
but... I couldn't let it define me, and who I was. It was ruddy hard and 2 years later it still is. The children asked today if Santa brings presents to homeless kids .... we are still living in temp accommodation. What a question...
but ... getting to the point... it was a change of mindset. Seeing the positive that a new life would be ok, it would get better and I can restart my life ...
we are getting there, but the decisions you have to make will be hard, but they need to be your decisions. And it helps to have all the information, so you know your options, your possibilities and what needs to happen.
I said to my boss early on in the process it felt like a death without the headstone and the niceities. If you can speak to professionals, but what I realised, the relationship was a lie. I look back on the good times, and they weren't real. In my case. So it is now time to focus on what is real, what has meaning, what the truth is, integrity and respect. I won't be hurt again, nor will the children.
Take one day at a time, and it will be rocky for a while, but you will get support, for the decisions that are right when you have the information.
take care x
You WILL get through this, I promise. My story is on the this forum, my thoughts, fears and feelings as time went on. As you say the pain is like no other. It's a very complex grief.
The first and one and only love of my life, and a seemingly happy and successful, happily married for over 30 years, was stung by vigilantes and live-streamed on Facebook, he was arrested the same day and left home moving far away, and then imprisoned 18minths later. It was for one conversation and arranging to meet, and no images. It was like he'd been killed when the police came to search the house. I was on my knees. Not only did I have the situation to deal with I had immediate fear as everyone knew within a couple of days and I was told I was in danger for being married to him. I as had to take sole responsibility for the home, pets, finances and the big one, handling the fallout with neighbours friends and family.
Now, 4 years down the line, I'm still here, in the same house. I'm happy, I lost no friends and had great support from them and my family. It's not the life I had envisioned, not what we had planned towards, but it's what I have and I have adapted. I realise that the life I had, was only what I thought I had, i was happy but he wasn't, so it wasn't authentic as he was never honest about his feelings.
I almost don't recognise the person I am now. I have changed for the better I am sure. This deeply traumatic experience changed and shaped me, but I did what I needed to do and went at the pace I needed to get to this point. I had great help from my therapist and researched and read lots of books to help me understand him, and me, and give me strategies to focus on the here and now, and find pleasure in the small but oh so important things in life.
You WILL get there. But do it your way and in your time. Sadly there is no road map for this, but there is an ever growing community of people like us who are happy to support each other, lean on our community whenever you need to. Know you're not alone
xxxx
The first and one and only love of my life, and a seemingly happy and successful, happily married for over 30 years, was stung by vigilantes and live-streamed on Facebook, he was arrested the same day and left home moving far away, and then imprisoned 18minths later. It was for one conversation and arranging to meet, and no images. It was like he'd been killed when the police came to search the house. I was on my knees. Not only did I have the situation to deal with I had immediate fear as everyone knew within a couple of days and I was told I was in danger for being married to him. I as had to take sole responsibility for the home, pets, finances and the big one, handling the fallout with neighbours friends and family.
Now, 4 years down the line, I'm still here, in the same house. I'm happy, I lost no friends and had great support from them and my family. It's not the life I had envisioned, not what we had planned towards, but it's what I have and I have adapted. I realise that the life I had, was only what I thought I had, i was happy but he wasn't, so it wasn't authentic as he was never honest about his feelings.
I almost don't recognise the person I am now. I have changed for the better I am sure. This deeply traumatic experience changed and shaped me, but I did what I needed to do and went at the pace I needed to get to this point. I had great help from my therapist and researched and read lots of books to help me understand him, and me, and give me strategies to focus on the here and now, and find pleasure in the small but oh so important things in life.
You WILL get there. But do it your way and in your time. Sadly there is no road map for this, but there is an ever growing community of people like us who are happy to support each other, lean on our community whenever you need to. Know you're not alone
xxxx
We're all grieving, each and every one of us, and we're also dealing with the double whammy of grieving for the death of our relationships with that significant other and the extreme trauma of what that person has done. Perhaps approaching your situation as grief trauma is one way of looking at it, and the steps that occur when one is dealing with grief. So much of what you wrote resonates with me, although there's no children involved. It's just me and my OH, but that torn asunder pain is what I'm feeling too. Trying to juggle the logistics of suddenly being dropped into a life not of your choosing is mind boggling. Friends and family mean well, but they honestly haven't a clue what you're going through.
At least you have him out of the family home which is a really important huge step. I'm still lumbered with trying to get mine out. Sadly I think that man you married and shared a life with is gone. I'm trying to approach the ending of a my relationship as a death, because that's the only way I can make sense of what's happening. The man I had such fun and adventures with is gone, along with all our dreams of future adventures together. It's how I can draw a line under it and start to consider building a new life without him.
You and your son come first. Start thinking about your options for the future. Accept help and support from loving family and friends.
At least you have him out of the family home which is a really important huge step. I'm still lumbered with trying to get mine out. Sadly I think that man you married and shared a life with is gone. I'm trying to approach the ending of a my relationship as a death, because that's the only way I can make sense of what's happening. The man I had such fun and adventures with is gone, along with all our dreams of future adventures together. It's how I can draw a line under it and start to consider building a new life without him.
You and your son come first. Start thinking about your options for the future. Accept help and support from loving family and friends.