Body confidence & masturbation
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Hi everyone,
I'm now nearly 4 weeks post knock and still feeling very fragile (I wrote more about my story in an earlier post - my partner was arrested for downloading IIOC due to a porn habit spiralling out of control, and we were trying for a baby).
I've now told my parents and he's told his, both of whom have been very supportive to each of us so that was a huge relief. My partner however has sort of split up with me, although I say 'sort of' because we very much are still acting like a couple giving each other cuddles and kisses. He says he's doing it because he loves me and he thinks it's the best thing for my own happiness, to let me go. Although I think he also potentially can't live with the guilt of what he's done and the effect its had on me, he says he just wants to be alone and will never seek another partner again (although I'm sure he'll change his mind at some point when he's more healed).
I'm finding that very difficult to process and don't feel ready to let him go or fully commit to us having 'broken up'. We own a house together so it wouldn't be a simple break anyway, and more importantly I still love him and with him putting my own feelings and needs above his own by 'letting me go' only makes me love him more. That being said, I have been struggling with some other things and I wonder if anyone else has felt this way...
He has given up porn entirely, although says this is a real struggle, but he keeps wanting to masturbate and I find it immensely upsetting even just to know he's doing that. To the point where I've woken up in the middle of the night (we have separate rooms) and gone in to see him to check he's not doing it. I've asked him to tell me if he does it, but then I'm not sure if it's actually good for me to know. I can't fully describe why it upsets me so much, but it's almost like it's a betrayal. I don't know why I feel so strongly about it given prior to the knock I wouldn't have minded at all. As an aside, the medication the doctors put him on has erectile dysfunction as one of the side effects and he's said it's basically resulted in him not being able to 'finish' anyway which makes him frustrated and upset. I think the issue is that he used masturbation as a form of self medication when he was in the pits of depression which is what started his porn addiction in the first place all those years ago before he met me. So maybe this is why I don't like it, I don't know what's healthy though - do you think he should be able to masturbate as a comfort mechanism when he's feeling as low as he is now, or am I right to be trying to get him to stop it? I told him he should only really do it when he's actually sexually aroused but he said that would be hardly ever, and I said that doesn't matter!
The other thing is, has this affected anyone else's body confidence? My self esteem relating to my body was already pretty low and I feel like this has made it literally rock bottom now. I don't feel attractive and knowing now what he was looking at, even legal porn, being these 'perfect' stick thin bodies has now completely shattered my confidence. He's implied in the past that he doesn't find me that attractive (though never outright said it but doesn't deny it when I say it) as I carry a lot of weight around my tummy. I've told him that his idea of what is a 'normal' female body are completely skewed by how much porn he's watched.. but it doesn't help me in how I'm feeling. It's made me question whether he ever found me attractive. He made a poor choice of words the other week saying that he 'compromised' on my looks, but was trying to say just like no-one looks how they imagine their perfect partner to be and saying he's sure he doesn't look how I would envisage my perfect partner. I know he didn't mean it as harshly as it came out but it's just really hurt me and made me question our whole romantic relationship and whether it was really just a friendship and he's been in denial this whole time.
Sorry this has turned lengthy, but would really like to know if anyone else has had similar feelings.
I'm now nearly 4 weeks post knock and still feeling very fragile (I wrote more about my story in an earlier post - my partner was arrested for downloading IIOC due to a porn habit spiralling out of control, and we were trying for a baby).
I've now told my parents and he's told his, both of whom have been very supportive to each of us so that was a huge relief. My partner however has sort of split up with me, although I say 'sort of' because we very much are still acting like a couple giving each other cuddles and kisses. He says he's doing it because he loves me and he thinks it's the best thing for my own happiness, to let me go. Although I think he also potentially can't live with the guilt of what he's done and the effect its had on me, he says he just wants to be alone and will never seek another partner again (although I'm sure he'll change his mind at some point when he's more healed).
I'm finding that very difficult to process and don't feel ready to let him go or fully commit to us having 'broken up'. We own a house together so it wouldn't be a simple break anyway, and more importantly I still love him and with him putting my own feelings and needs above his own by 'letting me go' only makes me love him more. That being said, I have been struggling with some other things and I wonder if anyone else has felt this way...
He has given up porn entirely, although says this is a real struggle, but he keeps wanting to masturbate and I find it immensely upsetting even just to know he's doing that. To the point where I've woken up in the middle of the night (we have separate rooms) and gone in to see him to check he's not doing it. I've asked him to tell me if he does it, but then I'm not sure if it's actually good for me to know. I can't fully describe why it upsets me so much, but it's almost like it's a betrayal. I don't know why I feel so strongly about it given prior to the knock I wouldn't have minded at all. As an aside, the medication the doctors put him on has erectile dysfunction as one of the side effects and he's said it's basically resulted in him not being able to 'finish' anyway which makes him frustrated and upset. I think the issue is that he used masturbation as a form of self medication when he was in the pits of depression which is what started his porn addiction in the first place all those years ago before he met me. So maybe this is why I don't like it, I don't know what's healthy though - do you think he should be able to masturbate as a comfort mechanism when he's feeling as low as he is now, or am I right to be trying to get him to stop it? I told him he should only really do it when he's actually sexually aroused but he said that would be hardly ever, and I said that doesn't matter!
The other thing is, has this affected anyone else's body confidence? My self esteem relating to my body was already pretty low and I feel like this has made it literally rock bottom now. I don't feel attractive and knowing now what he was looking at, even legal porn, being these 'perfect' stick thin bodies has now completely shattered my confidence. He's implied in the past that he doesn't find me that attractive (though never outright said it but doesn't deny it when I say it) as I carry a lot of weight around my tummy. I've told him that his idea of what is a 'normal' female body are completely skewed by how much porn he's watched.. but it doesn't help me in how I'm feeling. It's made me question whether he ever found me attractive. He made a poor choice of words the other week saying that he 'compromised' on my looks, but was trying to say just like no-one looks how they imagine their perfect partner to be and saying he's sure he doesn't look how I would envisage my perfect partner. I know he didn't mean it as harshly as it came out but it's just really hurt me and made me question our whole romantic relationship and whether it was really just a friendship and he's been in denial this whole time.
Sorry this has turned lengthy, but would really like to know if anyone else has had similar feelings.
With regard to body confidence, it's almost been liberating in that I never had any and I feel vindicated in that my person chose to look at people who were 30 years younger than me.
I would guess that I am a fair amount older than you but the thing I have found is that I enjoy my own company, I'm not afraid of being alone (neither of which I knew before) and that I will never trust another man again. All these have meant that I am content to stay in my marriage on my own terms, and feel at liberty to end it if I want.
Have you had any therapy/support for this yet? I can recommend Stop So counselling as this has helped me come to terms with much of his behaviour and feelings about myself.
I would guess that I am a fair amount older than you but the thing I have found is that I enjoy my own company, I'm not afraid of being alone (neither of which I knew before) and that I will never trust another man again. All these have meant that I am content to stay in my marriage on my own terms, and feel at liberty to end it if I want.
Have you had any therapy/support for this yet? I can recommend Stop So counselling as this has helped me come to terms with much of his behaviour and feelings about myself.
Go Lee!!! X
Thanks so much Lee and K, I really appreciate your kind words. I've been a bit of a mess but started having counselling and feeling a little stronger. I know just as my counsellor said that his addiction isn't really anything to do with me or how attractive he finds me, but deep down I find it so hard to let go of. As you say, how would they feel if we were looking at gorgeous well endowed men for hours! I don't think he understands what affect its had on me. He's still insistent we should split up despite still acting like a couple so I think I have no choice but to move on anyway, and I am starting to think I might be happier in myself if I did.
Thanks so much again, you are absolute sweeties xx
Thanks so much again, you are absolute sweeties xx
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