Family and Friends Forum

Hi all,

so I was really in 2 minds about posting this, because I just feel awful about it, but it's something else thats been hitting me hard lately after the knock, espcially after having my child and just wondered if anyone else had ever felt this way.

All I ever wanted was a family, my OH and I tried for years for a child and I didn't know that I had fertility issues until after we were married, we were together for years before then but I was on the pill and never questioned my fertility. After 5 long years, we finally fell pregnant and I was over the moon, I can't tell you how excited I felt, then we had the knock literally a week or 2 after my 1st scan. It honestly felt like a sick joke, all the years of trying, negative tests, heartache to finally get there and then this happened.

My OH has always been adament he hasn't done anything, but the police always tell me otherwise, so right now I don't know who to believe.

I hate it because my newborn will almost certainly be my only child, because of my fertility issues and because the situation I'm in now, and this is the only experience I'll ever have of being a mother. Nearly my entire pregnancy was filled with doubts, fear, anxiety, anger and so much stress I'm honestly suprised my health wasn't permenantly affected by it. Even when I was rushed to hospital after my waters broke nearly 2 months early, I can't even begin to tell you how upset I felt because my OH wasn't allowed in with me (delivery yes, literally only just, but everywhere else in the hospital no) I sat in the alone in the room on the ward terrified because I wasn't due for 2 months & I was the only woman in there without a partner to support them but I couldn't say anything, just had to deal with it.

I hate it most because whenever I look at families, especially as a lot of my friends and family are having their own babies for the 1st time too, I realise that I won't ever have that happiness, and I hate it. Seing people post pictures of their annoucements, taking their baby home, I look back and think I couldn't have and I never will have that, I'll never have that happy family moment. I see how happy they are and try to think back to a time when I was that happy and excited about starting a family. Because I just want this nightmare over with, everything feels rushed, I hardly got a chance to enjoy my pregnancy as much as I wanted to and now I feel the same about raising a newborn.

Now don't get me wrong, I love my child more than anything, they're my entire world, and I know I'm not the 1 to blame but I feel as if I can't give them the family I wanted and they deserve. At this moment and time my OH still has contact within the community as I still want him to be a part of his child's life, if I felt my OH was a threat to my child I'd never let him anywhere near them, but he's been a wonderful father, and has always kept with the rules both the bail and SS have set for him, no matter how much strain it's put on us both.

I just feel like such a bad person for feeling this way, that while I'm happy for my friends and family there's this small part of me that I'm not going to deny is jealous of them, of the happiness they have. I've expressed these feelings to my HV and she agrees that it is a massive loss, and it's normal to feel this way because of what I'm going through, but it doesn't change how it makes me feel as a person.

I'm trying to look forward to a future with my child and try to give them the best upbringing I possibly can, with or without their father, but like a lot of things, some days are much harder than others. It still doesn't help that it's been months of limbo, and looking at other peoples' stories, I've still got a long way to go before I get any answers.

Can't exactly say what assessments SS did, but my experience with them have been horrific, it feels like they're hell bent on us separating or making me scared enough to leave. Since choosing to stay with my OH in their reports I'm oblivious, naive and unwilling to accept my OHs allegations. Even felt as if my home was looked down on as even though we had all of the main nursery furniture and travel systems it was considered a grey area that we didn't have toys even though I was barely into my second trimester. Not only that but my home was marked down as just below unsatisfactory, the reason? I have a cat.

Not long after the knock my unborn baby was put on a CPP so I'd have SW round 1 week, a meeting the next, you'd think they'd want to minimise the stress an expectant mother goes through as much as possible, but this wasn't the case.

Then don't even get me started on my birthing experience, I made it very clear to all the professionals I wanted my OH present which they were fine with. Only until I was literally giving birth a different midwife said my OH had to leave, it took us all kicking off which she was really snotty about to check the notes only then she admitted the mistake but the damage had been done.

My OH has the same bail conditions where he can't live with any children under the age of 18 which hasn't been great but not impossible as I moved back in with parents but SS have made things harder with their own conditions. I'm hoping with the next conference things might change but I'm not holding my breath.

I know I'll never have a chance at a real normal family but I just wish that the professionals could see that and help us to be as normal as possible instead of ripping us apart xx