Feeling our family is fractured
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Even though it's 4 months since my 16year old stepson was arrested for viewing & making images of 10-16year old girls my daughter's negative feelings towards him haven't changed.She would rather he didn't stay but I have processed my feelings & gone to counselling so I can cope with my stepson coming over to see his Dad.
My children are 21 & 23 so they didn't see much of their stepbrother before the arrest but now even trying to organise a meal out for us all as a family is impossible.Just don't know what to do?My daughter & me have decided to not speak about my stepson because I get upset about her comments about him & his Dad.She feels her stepbrother hasn't had consequences & continues to be babied by his Dad.I can see how my husband is trying to get positive relationship bonding time with his son.So so hard coz I don't want to be stuck in the middle
Thanks for reading x
My children are 21 & 23 so they didn't see much of their stepbrother before the arrest but now even trying to organise a meal out for us all as a family is impossible.Just don't know what to do?My daughter & me have decided to not speak about my stepson because I get upset about her comments about him & his Dad.She feels her stepbrother hasn't had consequences & continues to be babied by his Dad.I can see how my husband is trying to get positive relationship bonding time with his son.So so hard coz I don't want to be stuck in the middle
Thanks for reading x
Beyonce
It may be that your daughter may never change her views. It's so awful being caught in the middle like this, my adult child's partner wants nothing more e to do with me and my OH since his arrest.
I feel caught in the middle because my adult child would like to have contact with us, his parents, but his partner has said they do not want my adult child having any contact with my Oh, their father.
It's tough on both me and my adult child, but I have to respect their partner's views, although it hurts, and I have chosen not to choose between my adult child and my OH. So I meet with my adult child on their own, and when we do this we have a good time. We exchange frequent texts. Mostly we don't talk about the elephant in the room.
I do hope that the strong feelings will soften over time and we can once again become a "normal" family and participate in "ordinary" family interactions and events. Hope is one of the few things I can cling onto.
I would say, respect your daughter's views, and accept that this will mean that a family meal with everyone present is not possible at the current time. However, you can still meet and eat with your daughter, text her and call her, and you can still have the same interactions with your OH and stepson. Cling on to hope, and let things unfold.
It may be that your daughter may never change her views. It's so awful being caught in the middle like this, my adult child's partner wants nothing more e to do with me and my OH since his arrest.
I feel caught in the middle because my adult child would like to have contact with us, his parents, but his partner has said they do not want my adult child having any contact with my Oh, their father.
It's tough on both me and my adult child, but I have to respect their partner's views, although it hurts, and I have chosen not to choose between my adult child and my OH. So I meet with my adult child on their own, and when we do this we have a good time. We exchange frequent texts. Mostly we don't talk about the elephant in the room.
I do hope that the strong feelings will soften over time and we can once again become a "normal" family and participate in "ordinary" family interactions and events. Hope is one of the few things I can cling onto.
I would say, respect your daughter's views, and accept that this will mean that a family meal with everyone present is not possible at the current time. However, you can still meet and eat with your daughter, text her and call her, and you can still have the same interactions with your OH and stepson. Cling on to hope, and let things unfold.
Thank you Bitterbean,
my daughter still lives at home so I get to chat with her & yes there's an elephant in the room.We've agreed to not talk about my stepson.I did say the other day that he is staying for 4 days soon because she feels awkward when he's in her home.She is busy tho with her own business & can see friends so she doesn't see her stepbrother & he still stays in his room apart from meals or when his Dad takes him out.It's just so strange & we were such a lovely blended family????
Things change in life & you can't predict the future! As you say there's hope especially coz my stepson is so young & committed the offence when he was 15
my daughter still lives at home so I get to chat with her & yes there's an elephant in the room.We've agreed to not talk about my stepson.I did say the other day that he is staying for 4 days soon because she feels awkward when he's in her home.She is busy tho with her own business & can see friends so she doesn't see her stepbrother & he still stays in his room apart from meals or when his Dad takes him out.It's just so strange & we were such a lovely blended family????
Things change in life & you can't predict the future! As you say there's hope especially coz my stepson is so young & committed the offence when he was 15
Sorry Beyonce I hadn't picked up that your daughter is still at your home which adds a new dimension and I can imagine makes things extra awkward.
I expect because of the circumstances, a family meeting round the table is probably not possible, but maybe you and your OH could, together, have a sit down, once with your daughter and once with your stepson, to see if either have any ideas about what could be done to make each of them feel less awkward? I can understand your daughter feeling uncomfortable while your stepson is present, and because of this he makes himself scarce in his room, but that doesn't feel healthy for him either. You never know, between the two of them, with you and your OH as "mediators" they may be able to come up with a workable arrangement that they can both live with that makes everyone feel a bit more comfortable. They probably both just want to feel listened to.
Failing that, they say time is a great healer. Hope things improve for you all sooner rather than later. I know from my own experience how devastating rejection by family members can feel.
I expect because of the circumstances, a family meeting round the table is probably not possible, but maybe you and your OH could, together, have a sit down, once with your daughter and once with your stepson, to see if either have any ideas about what could be done to make each of them feel less awkward? I can understand your daughter feeling uncomfortable while your stepson is present, and because of this he makes himself scarce in his room, but that doesn't feel healthy for him either. You never know, between the two of them, with you and your OH as "mediators" they may be able to come up with a workable arrangement that they can both live with that makes everyone feel a bit more comfortable. They probably both just want to feel listened to.
Failing that, they say time is a great healer. Hope things improve for you all sooner rather than later. I know from my own experience how devastating rejection by family members can feel.
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