Family and Friends Forum

It is so confusing and awful to discover a partner has done something like this but remember he is still the person you know, he is still all of the good bits too. There are many reason why people do things like this and now your partner can start to address those issues. My partner had a conversation with a teenage girl, he did not know how old she was until the conversation had started, she was an undercover police officer. He was charged on that one conversation, he had nothing else on his devices. It turns your world upside down but you can get through it. For me talking is important, with my partner, police, probation, therapists. I just wanted to understand things more, to know I was right that my partner is still the lovely kind, funny caring man he has always been. You cant help but worry in the beginning that he's some kind of monster. Court will be hard but these cases sadly are not that uncommon, he may go through court unnoticed by local press etc. Think about how you will manage the situation but do not worry too much, not all court cases are in the press. We have started to rebuild our life, it's not always easy but it can be done. In a way I was relieved my partner had not actually had that conversation with a minor but shocked that he was capable of doing something like that, the addiction of chatting sexually with women was so strong he would have chatted to literally anyone, I found that scary. Therapy is so hopeful for men in these situations, it's worth your partner seeking out therapy either now or after court if he hasn't already.

Bess 2004

Can you tell me what sort of support your partner got from their GP. Have been trying to convince my husband to go.

Bess2004

I am so very sorry, it must bring so much extra stress and anxiety when you are so reliant on him. I am reliant on the fact that without his wage I may lose my house, but I think a lot of women are in that situation.

I know what you mean about your best friend, the person you trusted and loved and still love. It's such a massive betrayal. I can't help but think my 13 year marriage was a shambles. Before he met me he had a porn addiction. At that time I didn't think it was an addiction, but I did make it known how I felt about it and that I wouldn't tolerate it. We had a massive row and I threatened to leave. It seemed to sort him out, at least that's what I thought but he has told me he continued to look at adult porn here and there and then over the last 12 months for whatever reason he just got more and more hooked again until we reached this point. Our sex life wasn't fantastic and now I know the full reasons why.

I have read a case where the husbands sentence decision was more lenient because he was a main carer, so I have my fingers crossed for you that you can sort this mess out.

Sending love. Xx

I

I think it's wrong that police can be on these sites doing this. These people probably had no intention of speaking to others but were lured to chat. Goodness knows what the police said in their conversations. How come they are allowed to do that.

It's difficult with your head all over the place, I refused to trust a word my partner said to start with. It was a relief after court to know he was telling the truth. He says he had no intent to chat to a minor, the profile was not that of a minor. I just cannot understand why he didn't stop the chat when the officer said they were a teenager. But I dont understand the addiction so while it seems crazy to me that he didn't stop, I guess for him while half way through a conversation to stop was not an option. In the same way a drug addict must have their fix whatever the cost. The police tried to lure him into further conversations which luckily he did not do. I think there is an element of entrapment but it should have been obvious to my partner thus was wrong and he only has himself to blame. I'm glad he was stopped by this incident because at the end of the day he could have ended up chatting with a minor. He can now sort his issues and stop this damaging and dangerous behaviour of chatting online. It's ok to ask your partner difficult questions, it's ok to be mad, angry, upset and all the other million things you feel but it's also ok to feel compassion, it's ok to offer support, it doesn't mean in any way you accept or condone the behaviour. We have also had a good and loving relationship, I struggle to get my head around why he needed to chat online but I've come to realise it's not about me.

Bess, the sad thing is the cycle of abuse. Your husband, like mine, is a survivor yet somehow the go onto this path. It is very common sadly. Everything is so new, so numbing but you will get through this. X