The Dreaded Knock..
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Hello, complete newbie here.
Sadly, my OH who I've recently got engaged too, received the knock at the door. This happened just over a week ago.
He wasn't open and honest to begin with, but started to give me dribs and drabs which my gut feeling knew there was more after this he just left me in a state to go on holiday. I felt extremely suicidal and my parents had to come get me in which I told them.
After begging him, he finally come home and realised how awful that decision was as well as him feeling suicidal and extremely low. Within the week of everything, he has finally been open and honest about everything. At this point in time, after over 5 years of being together, I am willing to stand by him. I know my man is a good and honest man who has been through hell and back with a pornography addiction - he was open and honest when we first got together that this had started young but wasn't a problem anymore - I have since learned this was untrue.
He had used the dark web for buying drug paraphernalia, which then turned to watching pornography. From what the police have stated, they caught him via IP address or something - I was in shock to even.
We told his family as well as mine the lesser version, but this was before he told me more of the entire story. Even with everything he has told me, I still love him more than anything will ever amount too and couldn't imagine a life without him. He's done a very silly thing and will likely suffer the consequence, which causes me to also, but I still want to stand by him. I know deep in my heart that man is a good and honest man and what he has admitted to me has been a spiral from a dark place.
I know he isn't the 'P' word, I know that for a fact. Obviously the future is something I am unable to predict and I'm unsure how I'll feel in regards to charges, however for this time being and what I can see for my future I truly want to stay with him and be there for him each step of the way.
He keeps saying he understands if I leave and will always love me, but I want to marry this man regardless of what might come (yes this is how I'm currently feeling which may change).
We don't have children, but I wanted a family which does hurt. My choice may change in the future, but momentarily he means more than having a child. If we were to get pregnant and he was on the register for let's say 10 years - what is life like for that child and just generally life like that? I have seen you cannot live together, but then it states you can but they're unable to be unsupervised? What happens after those 10 years are up?
I just don't want to come off as naive and that's what people have said to me I'm being. I love him and currently that's all that matters regardless of the s//t he's done. He's my partner, my bestfriend, my soulmate.
I needed to rant after everything that has happened because even with everything he's come out with I'm still here.. is that normal? Am I missing part of my brain?
Thank you for anyone that has read this.
From a very scared Fiancé who loves their man more than words will ever describe.
xx
Sadly, my OH who I've recently got engaged too, received the knock at the door. This happened just over a week ago.
He wasn't open and honest to begin with, but started to give me dribs and drabs which my gut feeling knew there was more after this he just left me in a state to go on holiday. I felt extremely suicidal and my parents had to come get me in which I told them.
After begging him, he finally come home and realised how awful that decision was as well as him feeling suicidal and extremely low. Within the week of everything, he has finally been open and honest about everything. At this point in time, after over 5 years of being together, I am willing to stand by him. I know my man is a good and honest man who has been through hell and back with a pornography addiction - he was open and honest when we first got together that this had started young but wasn't a problem anymore - I have since learned this was untrue.
He had used the dark web for buying drug paraphernalia, which then turned to watching pornography. From what the police have stated, they caught him via IP address or something - I was in shock to even.
We told his family as well as mine the lesser version, but this was before he told me more of the entire story. Even with everything he has told me, I still love him more than anything will ever amount too and couldn't imagine a life without him. He's done a very silly thing and will likely suffer the consequence, which causes me to also, but I still want to stand by him. I know deep in my heart that man is a good and honest man and what he has admitted to me has been a spiral from a dark place.
I know he isn't the 'P' word, I know that for a fact. Obviously the future is something I am unable to predict and I'm unsure how I'll feel in regards to charges, however for this time being and what I can see for my future I truly want to stay with him and be there for him each step of the way.
He keeps saying he understands if I leave and will always love me, but I want to marry this man regardless of what might come (yes this is how I'm currently feeling which may change).
We don't have children, but I wanted a family which does hurt. My choice may change in the future, but momentarily he means more than having a child. If we were to get pregnant and he was on the register for let's say 10 years - what is life like for that child and just generally life like that? I have seen you cannot live together, but then it states you can but they're unable to be unsupervised? What happens after those 10 years are up?
I just don't want to come off as naive and that's what people have said to me I'm being. I love him and currently that's all that matters regardless of the s//t he's done. He's my partner, my bestfriend, my soulmate.
I needed to rant after everything that has happened because even with everything he's come out with I'm still here.. is that normal? Am I missing part of my brain?
Thank you for anyone that has read this.
From a very scared Fiancé who loves their man more than words will ever describe.
xx
You haven't got part of your brain missing! Just a mind thrown into a world of devastation- a scary world you have never experienced before. We've all been there!
A supportive hug sent. Xxxxx
A supportive hug sent. Xxxxx
Ahhh , sweetheart it's very early days , take it one step at a time , one day , one week one month because it's gonna be a long time before this is all concluded. Make the choice for you and noone else . There are ways you can be a family , it's hard work but others have did it . I know it's hard but try to get on with life .while waiting , work on yourself and he can work on himself and you could come out of this stronger than ever . Meanwhile, call the helpline , talk to us , talk to your GP for help . Also keep your circle small . You don't want too many people to know. Xx
Newlady and Smile Through Tears,
Thank you so much for responding <3
I will definitely be keeping my circle small as I know too many people will hold judgement. I have been through worst than this beforehand so he is slightly shocked at how I'm coping. I think it's definitely helped finding this fantastic site full of wonderful and lovely loving people.
He is what pushed me to join! I definitely will however take each day as it goes. I know the road to recovery isn't just yet, but I'm taking each day in my step and will make sure we come out of this stronger than before.
Again thank you!
Thank you so much for responding <3
I will definitely be keeping my circle small as I know too many people will hold judgement. I have been through worst than this beforehand so he is slightly shocked at how I'm coping. I think it's definitely helped finding this fantastic site full of wonderful and lovely loving people.
He is what pushed me to join! I definitely will however take each day as it goes. I know the road to recovery isn't just yet, but I'm taking each day in my step and will make sure we come out of this stronger than before.
Again thank you!
Hi,
I completely understand and empathise, as I too have been with my partner 5 years and we are engaged also - and I am standing by him because I utterly adore him.
Even though the knock shocked and devastated me, I am a very strong individual and I am doing what I know in my heart is the right thing for me.
We did a lot of talking and a lot of soul searching, I asked him all the questions, he is remorseful and getting help.
Even the police said to me that sometimes good people do bad things, it doesn't define him, it's not all he is, he is a good person with a beautiful heart and soul, and he adores me.
Only a handful of people know: my daughters (22 & 18, still at home), my parents, his parents and his brother.
He is currently living in his parents summerhouse a few streets away, but I'm hoping he can come home soon, it depends on my girls.
Of course, we still have the whole charges thing to come (we're only 5 weeks in), and I'm dreading that, but ultimately I still want to be with him.
None of this means I'm ok with what he did, or that I condone it in any way whatsoever, but there it is.
So I really do understand. Wishing you strength and happiness x
I completely understand and empathise, as I too have been with my partner 5 years and we are engaged also - and I am standing by him because I utterly adore him.
Even though the knock shocked and devastated me, I am a very strong individual and I am doing what I know in my heart is the right thing for me.
We did a lot of talking and a lot of soul searching, I asked him all the questions, he is remorseful and getting help.
Even the police said to me that sometimes good people do bad things, it doesn't define him, it's not all he is, he is a good person with a beautiful heart and soul, and he adores me.
Only a handful of people know: my daughters (22 & 18, still at home), my parents, his parents and his brother.
He is currently living in his parents summerhouse a few streets away, but I'm hoping he can come home soon, it depends on my girls.
Of course, we still have the whole charges thing to come (we're only 5 weeks in), and I'm dreading that, but ultimately I still want to be with him.
None of this means I'm ok with what he did, or that I condone it in any way whatsoever, but there it is.
So I really do understand. Wishing you strength and happiness x
Sorry you are here and I hope you have the family you long for one day. It's a topic I'm exploring myself so I've done a bit of prep, as much as one can do. Here is my findings;
You could live together but that's down to your luck, social worker, potential SHPO restrictions etc.
You will almost certainly be a single mother in action, all school trips, gp dentist appointments, parents eve, school plays, swimming lessons, playground supervising etc will have to be handled by you and you only. You won't get to pop to the shop without taking your baby.
I think, with careful handling, it makes little to no difference to a newborn, perhaps just to not have sleepover and play dates at home.. if you had passed away, before the child turns 18, that would be an absolute tragedy then, assuming the poor mite will have to go live with another family member or foster home.
Reading the forum makes one realise our experiences are similar yet different. How you may be able to proceed really is down to luck with social services, solicitors, judges, and visors in the end (not fair!)
You could live together but that's down to your luck, social worker, potential SHPO restrictions etc.
You will almost certainly be a single mother in action, all school trips, gp dentist appointments, parents eve, school plays, swimming lessons, playground supervising etc will have to be handled by you and you only. You won't get to pop to the shop without taking your baby.
I think, with careful handling, it makes little to no difference to a newborn, perhaps just to not have sleepover and play dates at home.. if you had passed away, before the child turns 18, that would be an absolute tragedy then, assuming the poor mite will have to go live with another family member or foster home.
Reading the forum makes one realise our experiences are similar yet different. How you may be able to proceed really is down to luck with social services, solicitors, judges, and visors in the end (not fair!)