Frustration and Self Doubt
Notifications OFF
Talking to a pal this morning about my predicament - she knows the full story of our family situation. I could tell she was trying to show an understanding front but obviously didn't agree with my take on it. Feeling a bit down now.
People really do not understand this journey unless they've been on it do they? Sometimes you just wish you could rewind who and what you've told people.
People really do not understand this journey unless they've been on it do they? Sometimes you just wish you could rewind who and what you've told people.
No people really don't understand but it's good your friend sat there and listened it at the very least allowed you to get things off your chest
hugs xx
hugs xx
Smile, I'm sorry you're feeling down. Try to look at it that it's lovely that your friend is trying to put on an understanding face but I think it's impossible to understand from the outside - if we hadn't been on this awful journey ourselves I'm sure we'd think the same. Anyway, the important thing is that you're doing the right thing for YOU and for your son, regardless of what anyone else thinks. You're so strong and positive.
Huge hugs xx
Huge hugs xx
Yes your right. Some people think how could you possibly want to support someone who has committed this crime, ripping your family apart.... Whereas others completely understand - more so those that actually know him.
But they miss the most important thing, he's my son.
You cannot just abandon someone who has been your world for 35 years / can you? I just wish I didn't torture myself so much.....
But they miss the most important thing, he's my son.
You cannot just abandon someone who has been your world for 35 years / can you? I just wish I didn't torture myself so much.....
I think it's normal to feel disheartened when we don't quite get the response we're looking for, in any situation, but in this situation it is magnified I think.
We can be so desperately concerned that the people close to us will abandon us that it's hard not to analyse our interactions.
I'm with you - I would never abandon my son for anyone else, but that doesn't make our relationships with others black and white either.
Lots of love x
We can be so desperately concerned that the people close to us will abandon us that it's hard not to analyse our interactions.
I'm with you - I would never abandon my son for anyone else, but that doesn't make our relationships with others black and white either.
Lots of love x
Smile I know exactly where you're coming from on this as I have also had the same experience with a very close friend who has known my son since childhood.
Initially although shocked she was supportive but I then discovered that she had told her husband and she repeated back to me the very unpleasant remarks that he had made!!
She has increasingly distanced herself from me which is upsetting but I have realised that this is probably because she doesn't know how to handle the situation and that maybe the friendship has run its course.
Like yourself and many others on here whilst never condoning his behaviour I could never abandon my son .
Initially although shocked she was supportive but I then discovered that she had told her husband and she repeated back to me the very unpleasant remarks that he had made!!
She has increasingly distanced herself from me which is upsetting but I have realised that this is probably because she doesn't know how to handle the situation and that maybe the friendship has run its course.
Like yourself and many others on here whilst never condoning his behaviour I could never abandon my son .
I personally think that friends husbands may respond to being told in an overly negative way to act to their wives that they don't look at porn. It's all a big cover up as most of them do! Just my two pennies worth!
Elibee I wondered about that too tbh but the comments were more about how he thought I should disown my son which were very hurtful considering he has known our family for years.
I also feel very strongly that she shouldn't have discussed it with her husband without asking me first if it was ok to do so if the situation was reversed then I wouldn't have discussed it with my OH
I also feel very strongly that she shouldn't have discussed it with her husband without asking me first if it was ok to do so if the situation was reversed then I wouldn't have discussed it with my OH
Smile
you have got me thinking. It seems there are two main types of reaction from friends we tell, or from people who find out:
Group A: people who can't understand why someone would stick by a family member who has committed, to them, a terrible, morally unacceptable crime, and see the offender as dangerous and/or a monster
Group B: people who think that the offender has done a very bad thing, but does not think that they are a monster or necessarily irredeemable. All the same, they can't understand why a family member would stick by them, primarily because of the reaction by people in group A and the subsequent stigma attached to the offence and the offender, and also because of all the restrictions placed on the offender that will by proxy also affect their families.
Of course there will be many other people who don't fall into these two camps, who will have more nuanced points of view, and recognise that each offender is an individual and that the nature and circumstance of each offence is very different. But it does seem that a significant majority of people fall into groups A and B above, and many of them seem to feel that they themselves will become tainted by continuing to associate with the offender or even their family. Often from fear that the stigma will extend to themselves and their own families.
All of this would probably not matter nearly as much if it were not for the reach of the Internet and social media. What would once have been confined to local newspapers and gossip in the local pub, can now be broadcast, shared and commented on all across the country. I don't suppose any of this was taken into consideration by the police and social work and the justice system when discussing issues like disclosure to relatives, friends and employers, publication of names and addresses of offenders, etc.
Sorry, this is a bit of a ramble and I also can't think of any solutions.
you have got me thinking. It seems there are two main types of reaction from friends we tell, or from people who find out:
Group A: people who can't understand why someone would stick by a family member who has committed, to them, a terrible, morally unacceptable crime, and see the offender as dangerous and/or a monster
Group B: people who think that the offender has done a very bad thing, but does not think that they are a monster or necessarily irredeemable. All the same, they can't understand why a family member would stick by them, primarily because of the reaction by people in group A and the subsequent stigma attached to the offence and the offender, and also because of all the restrictions placed on the offender that will by proxy also affect their families.
Of course there will be many other people who don't fall into these two camps, who will have more nuanced points of view, and recognise that each offender is an individual and that the nature and circumstance of each offence is very different. But it does seem that a significant majority of people fall into groups A and B above, and many of them seem to feel that they themselves will become tainted by continuing to associate with the offender or even their family. Often from fear that the stigma will extend to themselves and their own families.
All of this would probably not matter nearly as much if it were not for the reach of the Internet and social media. What would once have been confined to local newspapers and gossip in the local pub, can now be broadcast, shared and commented on all across the country. I don't suppose any of this was taken into consideration by the police and social work and the justice system when discussing issues like disclosure to relatives, friends and employers, publication of names and addresses of offenders, etc.
Sorry, this is a bit of a ramble and I also can't think of any solutions.
I think folk sometimes believe by standing by a person, like magic you forget/forgive what they've done or pretend it hasn't happened...
far far from that, we are tortured by their crimes.
she asked if I was angry with him, "oh yes bloody furious" was my reply....... rest of my reply was "when I eventually see him I'm not sure whether I'd hug him or smack him one"!!!!!
I know the option my husband would choose!
far far from that, we are tortured by their crimes.
she asked if I was angry with him, "oh yes bloody furious" was my reply....... rest of my reply was "when I eventually see him I'm not sure whether I'd hug him or smack him one"!!!!!
I know the option my husband would choose!
Post deleted by user
I think Bitterbean that's why this journey is so damn difficult - it lingers, changes your life and never quite goes away, it haunts.
You have to try to let the anger go as it can distroy you, if you let it. I respect other people's opinions of my son but my feelings matter too and I'm determined I won't be bullied into something I'm not happy with. I can and do carry burdens each and every day and it's not easy but I sleep at night in the knowledge I'm doing my best by ALL my loved ones (and that incl my son).
tbanks everyone x
You have to try to let the anger go as it can distroy you, if you let it. I respect other people's opinions of my son but my feelings matter too and I'm determined I won't be bullied into something I'm not happy with. I can and do carry burdens each and every day and it's not easy but I sleep at night in the knowledge I'm doing my best by ALL my loved ones (and that incl my son).
tbanks everyone x
This is such a hard lesson in learning not to care what other people think, isn't it?! I've gone for 70 years a slave to caring about people's opinions and sometimes not saying what I really think and feel for fear that I'll offend someone but it's never been because of something so serious and close to home or affecting one of my children like this.
I have some good friends who are very supportive and never say anything critical about my son and show a lot of understanding, but I still find myself second guessing what they might REALLY be thinking about him and trying not to let that trouble me, or I'm desparate for them to know that I don't condone his actions so they don't judge me for that.
I have days when I think it might be easier if I just cut my ties with everyone but I know that's short sighted.
What a journey we're all on and thank goodness we have each other here xxx
I have some good friends who are very supportive and never say anything critical about my son and show a lot of understanding, but I still find myself second guessing what they might REALLY be thinking about him and trying not to let that trouble me, or I'm desparate for them to know that I don't condone his actions so they don't judge me for that.
I have days when I think it might be easier if I just cut my ties with everyone but I know that's short sighted.
What a journey we're all on and thank goodness we have each other here xxx
Rainy day - i resignate with your post 100%.
Rainyday I resignate totally with your feelings especially after my son had a meeting with his PO yesterday-if so called professionals treat people with contempt what hope is there that others will show understanding??
Like we've said before - with that attitude they need to find another job!
Solidarity, Smile :)
And Seaside - I'm so sorry about the PO. That is worse than the police in my opinion as their remit is meant to be rehabilitating and helping, not making life harder. Experiencing attitudes that do more harm than good frustrates me as I feel I've got nowhere to go with my upset because I imagine people thinking 'well, if he hadn't done something so heinous in the first place........' which, if I'm honest is what I find myself thinking at times!
And Seaside - I'm so sorry about the PO. That is worse than the police in my opinion as their remit is meant to be rehabilitating and helping, not making life harder. Experiencing attitudes that do more harm than good frustrates me as I feel I've got nowhere to go with my upset because I imagine people thinking 'well, if he hadn't done something so heinous in the first place........' which, if I'm honest is what I find myself thinking at times!
Sadly there's a lot of 'ifs' and 'buts' in this world, it happens, their job is to support people on their path of rehabilitation and getting safely back into the community.
Predudice is so wrong particularly in their job role.....
Predudice is so wrong particularly in their job role.....
Smile this PO definitely needs to find another job as she is completely incompetent-any question put to her gets one of 3 responses:
1. I don't know/ have never heard of that
2. I'll find out and get back to you ( never happens)
3.You'll have to ask the Visor.
When my son commented that the EHRC states that everyone is entitled to be treated with respect and dignity she actually asked what the EHRC was and whether he had taken this up with them !!!
1. I don't know/ have never heard of that
2. I'll find out and get back to you ( never happens)
3.You'll have to ask the Visor.
When my son commented that the EHRC states that everyone is entitled to be treated with respect and dignity she actually asked what the EHRC was and whether he had taken this up with them !!!