My Story
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Hello, I am a gay man and a month ago the police raided the house of me and my partner, took him away, searched up and down my house and explained to me that my partner had been looking at indecent images of children. I didn't think he was capable of such a thing so when he got home several hours later and told me that it was a mistake, that he'd downloaded a bulk file of porn and it was mixed in with it, that as soon as he noticed he deleted the whole lot, I believed him.
Yesterday, he came clean, and my life that I'd been holding together with spit the last month, fell apart. During my research the last month, I am convinced that he did it not out of any sexual desires, but because he is psycologically damaged. He had a terrible year last year and it started shortly after that. He'd always had self-esteem issues and part of me can't help but think I am partially to blame for not doing more to help him.
I can't stay in our house with him. I am moving back in with my mother. I quit my job, I couldn't keep going. Everything we worked so hard for is in tatters. In a few years when we where more financially stable, we where gunna adopt. That is also ruined. He ruined my life.
But, I still care about him and love him. I want him to be ok, he made a stupid mistake out of a deep self-loathing. He is the sweetest, most caring guy other than this. But do I really know him? I don't know, my brain is fried.
I don't know what I want from this I'm sad and scared and just want to share my story, I think.
Thank you for reading,
John Doe x
Yesterday, he came clean, and my life that I'd been holding together with spit the last month, fell apart. During my research the last month, I am convinced that he did it not out of any sexual desires, but because he is psycologically damaged. He had a terrible year last year and it started shortly after that. He'd always had self-esteem issues and part of me can't help but think I am partially to blame for not doing more to help him.
I can't stay in our house with him. I am moving back in with my mother. I quit my job, I couldn't keep going. Everything we worked so hard for is in tatters. In a few years when we where more financially stable, we where gunna adopt. That is also ruined. He ruined my life.
But, I still care about him and love him. I want him to be ok, he made a stupid mistake out of a deep self-loathing. He is the sweetest, most caring guy other than this. But do I really know him? I don't know, my brain is fried.
I don't know what I want from this I'm sad and scared and just want to share my story, I think.
Thank you for reading,
John Doe x
Hi John Doe
I can feel your pain, as we all probably can on this forum.
I feel the same about my ex-husband. Who was I married to? Am I allowed to feel like I was happy throughout our relationship and 9 year marriage?
So many unanswered questions. I’ve been stuck in a crap situation for nearly 2 years and thought the other day that I am allowed to remember being happy as I was. Regardless of what he was or wasn’t doing that I wasn’t aware of. I felt happy, I laughed with him at things. We did have fun and my children do still love their Dad.
However, he is clearly not who I believed he was. I believed he was a prat at times, so much so my family knicknamed him. A Knick name he still uses.
Whatever or however we all decide to go forward is the right decision for us. I cannot and will not forgive what is happening, but a lot of that comes down to how my children have been deserted.
Only you truly know how you feel and please vent as much as possible. Ask for help and support when you need it.
Our partners have done wrong, what we decide to do or not do will be right for us. Sorry I’m not sure I’m helping here and it’s difficult to read back as doesn’t all fit on screen!
Do what you feel is right for you and necessary...
Take care x
I can feel your pain, as we all probably can on this forum.
I feel the same about my ex-husband. Who was I married to? Am I allowed to feel like I was happy throughout our relationship and 9 year marriage?
So many unanswered questions. I’ve been stuck in a crap situation for nearly 2 years and thought the other day that I am allowed to remember being happy as I was. Regardless of what he was or wasn’t doing that I wasn’t aware of. I felt happy, I laughed with him at things. We did have fun and my children do still love their Dad.
However, he is clearly not who I believed he was. I believed he was a prat at times, so much so my family knicknamed him. A Knick name he still uses.
Whatever or however we all decide to go forward is the right decision for us. I cannot and will not forgive what is happening, but a lot of that comes down to how my children have been deserted.
Only you truly know how you feel and please vent as much as possible. Ask for help and support when you need it.
Our partners have done wrong, what we decide to do or not do will be right for us. Sorry I’m not sure I’m helping here and it’s difficult to read back as doesn’t all fit on screen!
Do what you feel is right for you and necessary...
Take care x
Thank you Sallyac,
There are a million things I want to write but I don't think I can get my head in order to write them. I can't help but be selfish and think "why me?" I already had to start from scratch once before when I got out of an 8 year abusive relationship. Now I must start again, again. This man took another 6 years of my life.
My most common thought I've had through all of this is that I will never have children. Isn't that silly and selfish? I think I'm in shock. Writing this is helping though, between the tears. I don't think I can date again. Maybe I should just switch to women! (Joke!)
John Doe x
There are a million things I want to write but I don't think I can get my head in order to write them. I can't help but be selfish and think "why me?" I already had to start from scratch once before when I got out of an 8 year abusive relationship. Now I must start again, again. This man took another 6 years of my life.
My most common thought I've had through all of this is that I will never have children. Isn't that silly and selfish? I think I'm in shock. Writing this is helping though, between the tears. I don't think I can date again. Maybe I should just switch to women! (Joke!)
John Doe x
Hi John Doe
thank you for sharing your story on here.
My partner was arrested last June by a vigilante group, total shock is an understatement! He was released under investigation and we have as yet heard nothing back from the police.
All I can say is it does get better, it is very early days for you since it happened. When I think back to last June I was an absolute wreck, I used to take my son to school and go to bed for the day, I just couldn’t function!
I have stayed with my partner, he is a very good dad, a good person all round, yes he made a very bad mistake but it is my life and I choose to stay. Don’t feel you should do something just to ‘save face’ if you know what I mean.
Good that you have found us, I have found this group to be absolutely a life saver, I am living a secret life from my friends as I haven’t told hardly any friends, but on here I can chat openly.
I really don’t want to sound patronising but it does get easier to accept what has happened.
Mabel x x
thank you for sharing your story on here.
My partner was arrested last June by a vigilante group, total shock is an understatement! He was released under investigation and we have as yet heard nothing back from the police.
All I can say is it does get better, it is very early days for you since it happened. When I think back to last June I was an absolute wreck, I used to take my son to school and go to bed for the day, I just couldn’t function!
I have stayed with my partner, he is a very good dad, a good person all round, yes he made a very bad mistake but it is my life and I choose to stay. Don’t feel you should do something just to ‘save face’ if you know what I mean.
Good that you have found us, I have found this group to be absolutely a life saver, I am living a secret life from my friends as I haven’t told hardly any friends, but on here I can chat openly.
I really don’t want to sound patronising but it does get easier to accept what has happened.
Mabel x x
Hi JohnDoe
What you're feeling is completely normal, although I chose not to stay with my husband I was absolutely heart broken, the man I thought he was I missed him so much it physically hurt, I couldn't believe that I was having to start over again at *cough* 54!!
All I would say is go with what you want, don't be affected by others, it's your life your future.
Have you seen your GP just to get on his/her horizon in case you need them later, they may be able to get you some help with getting your head together, although there is no time on that. I'm 15 months post knock and some days my head is mushed.
It will get easier, you will manage better on a day to day basis, you will even so loving him eventually. Do we ever get over it - don't know I'm still working it out!!
You're doing great, and do go to the helpline it will help you
Xx
What you're feeling is completely normal, although I chose not to stay with my husband I was absolutely heart broken, the man I thought he was I missed him so much it physically hurt, I couldn't believe that I was having to start over again at *cough* 54!!
All I would say is go with what you want, don't be affected by others, it's your life your future.
Have you seen your GP just to get on his/her horizon in case you need them later, they may be able to get you some help with getting your head together, although there is no time on that. I'm 15 months post knock and some days my head is mushed.
It will get easier, you will manage better on a day to day basis, you will even so loving him eventually. Do we ever get over it - don't know I'm still working it out!!
You're doing great, and do go to the helpline it will help you
Xx
John Doe - unfortunately, we have to ride it out. I’m nearly 2 years in and as my Mum pointed out the other day, it’s a lose lose situation for my children & I...Sad but true.
If you choose to stick by your partner, that is your decision. I support everyone on here for those that have gone separate ways and those that stay.
Since the end of 2016, I have waited for my life with my girls to improve and not evolve around what their Dad does. Since then, things have gotten worse with finding out he’d been having an affair and coming to terms with that with my children. Never got used to him and his gf, or the girls going, but it was happening so I got on. I got to a happy place again. Then bam all this on top! I will be taking my girls into another year with this hanging over us, unless he gets off Scott Free, which I don’t see happening.
Like a few others on here, I have been advised of allegations, which are not related to images. Please also bear in mind that the police are investigating a few months of timeline, hence the time it’s taking. I found out the timeline which was when we were “happily married” so another knock for me.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE take all of our advice and use this forum to let it all out. There is no judgement. All of our situations are so different and we are all in places we never even thought about.
I go to work every day. I have anti-depressants from my he left us, but I don’t take them. Drs not impressed I say a bottle of wine helps on a bad day, but it’s better to drink that a week, than rely on a tablet each day to make me feel falsely ok.
As I keep saying, and hoping for myself, we will all be ok. We will all get through this. Right now, it’s the waiting game and it’s crap! X
If you choose to stick by your partner, that is your decision. I support everyone on here for those that have gone separate ways and those that stay.
Since the end of 2016, I have waited for my life with my girls to improve and not evolve around what their Dad does. Since then, things have gotten worse with finding out he’d been having an affair and coming to terms with that with my children. Never got used to him and his gf, or the girls going, but it was happening so I got on. I got to a happy place again. Then bam all this on top! I will be taking my girls into another year with this hanging over us, unless he gets off Scott Free, which I don’t see happening.
Like a few others on here, I have been advised of allegations, which are not related to images. Please also bear in mind that the police are investigating a few months of timeline, hence the time it’s taking. I found out the timeline which was when we were “happily married” so another knock for me.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE take all of our advice and use this forum to let it all out. There is no judgement. All of our situations are so different and we are all in places we never even thought about.
I go to work every day. I have anti-depressants from my he left us, but I don’t take them. Drs not impressed I say a bottle of wine helps on a bad day, but it’s better to drink that a week, than rely on a tablet each day to make me feel falsely ok.
As I keep saying, and hoping for myself, we will all be ok. We will all get through this. Right now, it’s the waiting game and it’s crap! X
Hi John Doe,
A short message from me, because like you my head is in such a mess I find it hard to put any of this nightmare into words. It's been 6 and half weeks since my husband's arrest and I also feel selfish for thinking why me. The prospect of starting again at 50 scares me to death. I'm not sure I could date another man, especially as I have already had one failed marriage due to my first husband having an affair. May be I will date women (joke) but I totally understand where you are coming from.
I'm sorry that it has such deverstating consequences for all of us on here, it is a club nobody wants to belong to. If only we could switch back time and stop it happening. I am still very much at that stage of, I don't know whether it's denial but I just want the good old days back.
We are all here to help each other through the tough days, so keep coming back to the forum. Big hug. Xx
A short message from me, because like you my head is in such a mess I find it hard to put any of this nightmare into words. It's been 6 and half weeks since my husband's arrest and I also feel selfish for thinking why me. The prospect of starting again at 50 scares me to death. I'm not sure I could date another man, especially as I have already had one failed marriage due to my first husband having an affair. May be I will date women (joke) but I totally understand where you are coming from.
I'm sorry that it has such deverstating consequences for all of us on here, it is a club nobody wants to belong to. If only we could switch back time and stop it happening. I am still very much at that stage of, I don't know whether it's denial but I just want the good old days back.
We are all here to help each other through the tough days, so keep coming back to the forum. Big hug. Xx
Morning JohnDoe,
So sorry you've had to join our club. I'm nearly four months in and I've been through the exact same emotions as you. I felt like I didn't know my partner and like everything we'd had together was a lie. I've come to realise that's not the case. He's not an inherently bad person; he's just done a bad thing. Lee1969 had a great analogy about picking up an apple from a fruit bowl that has a bad bit; you don't throw the whole apple away, you just cut out the bad bit. We're trying to cut out his bad bit.
I'm still with him for now, but I'm not 100% certain that we'll stay together as the case unfolds. I'm just taking it a day at a time and trying not to think too far into the future, as I unravel.
It doesn't get easier, but you find new ways of coping. Do what is right for YOU and don't let other people make up your mind for you when it comes to your relationship; only you can decide whether you want to stand by him or not. I've still not made up my mind, but I've explained to him that I'll be here for him as a friend whatever happens. Xx
So sorry you've had to join our club. I'm nearly four months in and I've been through the exact same emotions as you. I felt like I didn't know my partner and like everything we'd had together was a lie. I've come to realise that's not the case. He's not an inherently bad person; he's just done a bad thing. Lee1969 had a great analogy about picking up an apple from a fruit bowl that has a bad bit; you don't throw the whole apple away, you just cut out the bad bit. We're trying to cut out his bad bit.
I'm still with him for now, but I'm not 100% certain that we'll stay together as the case unfolds. I'm just taking it a day at a time and trying not to think too far into the future, as I unravel.
It doesn't get easier, but you find new ways of coping. Do what is right for YOU and don't let other people make up your mind for you when it comes to your relationship; only you can decide whether you want to stand by him or not. I've still not made up my mind, but I've explained to him that I'll be here for him as a friend whatever happens. Xx
Thank you all for your kind words! This is the 2nd time I'm writing this out, the first time when I clicked post reply it just disappeared.
Tracey, I will definatly ring my GP. Told my partner that he should ring his, never thought to ring mine but yeah, you are right, I need to look after myself.
We are still living together for now, but I'm slowly sorting and packing away my things. We still talk, and we've spoken about what happened. He had a bad year last year. His mum, who he was very close to, died after a short battle with cancer. It hit him hard and he developed a porn addiction. He tells me that he couldn't start the day without watching porn. There is a crumb of truth when he says the first time he watched indecent videos was an accident, that it was in with a bunch of legel porn. That he deleted it when he discovered it. But then he started searching for videos. He has told me the content of the videos which I shall never repeat. We've talked about how he felt disgusting and so he did disgusting things like this to re-affirm how he felt.
I can't help but think I should have noticed that he had got so low. But he has always been good at hiding his emotions and I cannot blame myself. He did this.
I've been reading other people's stories on here and feel the same way a lot of you do. Not eating, not sleeping, zombie-mode. Even what day it is doesn't seem important anymore, I've lost track a little bit. I'll be popping on here a lot, I think. You all are wonderful, and I can't tell anyone what happened, but to be able to log in here and talk about it is a huge relief.
You are all so kind and welcoming, thank you,
John Doe x
Tracey, I will definatly ring my GP. Told my partner that he should ring his, never thought to ring mine but yeah, you are right, I need to look after myself.
We are still living together for now, but I'm slowly sorting and packing away my things. We still talk, and we've spoken about what happened. He had a bad year last year. His mum, who he was very close to, died after a short battle with cancer. It hit him hard and he developed a porn addiction. He tells me that he couldn't start the day without watching porn. There is a crumb of truth when he says the first time he watched indecent videos was an accident, that it was in with a bunch of legel porn. That he deleted it when he discovered it. But then he started searching for videos. He has told me the content of the videos which I shall never repeat. We've talked about how he felt disgusting and so he did disgusting things like this to re-affirm how he felt.
I can't help but think I should have noticed that he had got so low. But he has always been good at hiding his emotions and I cannot blame myself. He did this.
I've been reading other people's stories on here and feel the same way a lot of you do. Not eating, not sleeping, zombie-mode. Even what day it is doesn't seem important anymore, I've lost track a little bit. I'll be popping on here a lot, I think. You all are wonderful, and I can't tell anyone what happened, but to be able to log in here and talk about it is a huge relief.
You are all so kind and welcoming, thank you,
John Doe x
John Doe,
Whatever you do, do not blame yourself one little bit. This is their behaviour not ours. Yes some of them are struggling with stuff in their lives, present or past but it is not our fault they went down this road.
You make sure you try and take care of yourself. I am trying to support my husband as best I can but sometimes I hate him. For the moment I don't know if we will manage to get back together, we are separated at the moment, as I was the one that found out he had been messaging a 17 year old. Then when I made him get a phone without internet my daughter and her boyfriend decided to see what else was on the phone. They found a file with indecent images. My daughter's boyfriend rang the police but said I would have but I wasn't strong enough. Because he said that, I was the one called down to the police station and interviewed. The worst day of my life. They made it out that I had no choice. Was at the police station for hours and then once I got home I then had the knock at the door at 3 am. My daughter was so distressed she started howling and being sick. It was horrendous.
I'm sorry, I wasn't going to write all this but it's therapy I suppose. My thoughts on it all just come in dribs and drabs. Like you I don't know half the time what I am doing, what day of the week it is and I can get half way through a sentence and forget what I was saying. And with all that you have to pretend to everyone else that all is ok.
Look after yourself and do things for you. I have decided if it's going to take a couple of years to find out what he is charged with then I will have to try and live as normal as possible otherwise that is more years of my life wasted.
Sorry another garbled essay . Take care. X
Whatever you do, do not blame yourself one little bit. This is their behaviour not ours. Yes some of them are struggling with stuff in their lives, present or past but it is not our fault they went down this road.
You make sure you try and take care of yourself. I am trying to support my husband as best I can but sometimes I hate him. For the moment I don't know if we will manage to get back together, we are separated at the moment, as I was the one that found out he had been messaging a 17 year old. Then when I made him get a phone without internet my daughter and her boyfriend decided to see what else was on the phone. They found a file with indecent images. My daughter's boyfriend rang the police but said I would have but I wasn't strong enough. Because he said that, I was the one called down to the police station and interviewed. The worst day of my life. They made it out that I had no choice. Was at the police station for hours and then once I got home I then had the knock at the door at 3 am. My daughter was so distressed she started howling and being sick. It was horrendous.
I'm sorry, I wasn't going to write all this but it's therapy I suppose. My thoughts on it all just come in dribs and drabs. Like you I don't know half the time what I am doing, what day of the week it is and I can get half way through a sentence and forget what I was saying. And with all that you have to pretend to everyone else that all is ok.
Look after yourself and do things for you. I have decided if it's going to take a couple of years to find out what he is charged with then I will have to try and live as normal as possible otherwise that is more years of my life wasted.
Sorry another garbled essay . Take care. X
I wanted to respond to you mentioning adoption. This reasonated with me. My husband and I attempted adoption a number of years ago. It's already a difficult process and the fact I had suffered from depression was an issue. They wanted me to see a psychologist who could confirm I would never experience depression again. Well, no-one has a crystal ball so we left things at that.
That in itself is a loss. When you think about adopting it is similiar to a pregnancy (which I had also experienced), you have dreams for your children, what will they become, what will they look like, what mannerisms they will have, what's their favourite colour - will they think i'm cool. You can see yourselves as perfect parents - a team. Then it's all gone.
I felt such anger towards him for that. That he took that option completely away. It sounds ridiculous as it never happened, but I also felt anger that if we had adopted, that he would have ruined it all, their lives also.
The only way I have got through my experience is by talking it out with my husband. Asking hundreds of questions, sometimes the same ones over and over again as I forget the answers. This is one thing through this that my husband has afforded me - unlimited indepth questions about everything without becoming irritated or annoyed with me. I am owed that, but even I think I have pushed too far at times.
The instability of everything is overwhelming at times. I'm nearly a year in and it's still so hard. I'm tired, but I have made a choice. A choice which I know I can change at any point that I want to.
I hope things work out in the best way possible for you.
That in itself is a loss. When you think about adopting it is similiar to a pregnancy (which I had also experienced), you have dreams for your children, what will they become, what will they look like, what mannerisms they will have, what's their favourite colour - will they think i'm cool. You can see yourselves as perfect parents - a team. Then it's all gone.
I felt such anger towards him for that. That he took that option completely away. It sounds ridiculous as it never happened, but I also felt anger that if we had adopted, that he would have ruined it all, their lives also.
The only way I have got through my experience is by talking it out with my husband. Asking hundreds of questions, sometimes the same ones over and over again as I forget the answers. This is one thing through this that my husband has afforded me - unlimited indepth questions about everything without becoming irritated or annoyed with me. I am owed that, but even I think I have pushed too far at times.
The instability of everything is overwhelming at times. I'm nearly a year in and it's still so hard. I'm tired, but I have made a choice. A choice which I know I can change at any point that I want to.
I hope things work out in the best way possible for you.