Person vs action
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I keep reading these posts, and see a trend of viewing the charged as a whole person instead of someone who committed one action. I understand that, logically. But how do you get to that point emotionally? How do some people move there almost immediately and others just can't?
Hi,
I don't have a straight answer to your question because I don't think there is one. I'm three years post knock and whilst I feel it logically I still have days where I struggle emotionally with it. My person makes my life better most days, he is very remorseful and still works on himself every day. I love him and forgive him for the pain he has caused me but some days the anger returns.
For me, I find it hard when he talks about how he wants our lives to be and because of what he has done and my adult children's views on him I know that we are a long way off that. I guess I feel like we had all of that and he is the reason we don't anymore.
I think that a lot of how we process things is down to how we are individually and what we have experienced during our lives up to the knock and also what support we receive post knock. There are no right or wrong answers in this journey or any consistency in how cases are dealt with. I've learned to just go with how I feel day to day and try to be present in the here and now because personally I have a tendency to imagine the worst if I let my mind runaway with me. I'm not familiar with your situation but from your name I'm guessing it is your son in law who has been charged, forgive me if I'm wrong.
My parents and siblings have been hugely supportive of me and my children but also haven't seen my person since before his arrest. I'm not sure if this will change over time but their support of me is so important to me. If this is your situation I'd advise you to just be a listening ear for your daughter and let her know that you're there for her whatever she chooses for her future. Sorry if I've got the wrong end of the stick xxx
I don't have a straight answer to your question because I don't think there is one. I'm three years post knock and whilst I feel it logically I still have days where I struggle emotionally with it. My person makes my life better most days, he is very remorseful and still works on himself every day. I love him and forgive him for the pain he has caused me but some days the anger returns.
For me, I find it hard when he talks about how he wants our lives to be and because of what he has done and my adult children's views on him I know that we are a long way off that. I guess I feel like we had all of that and he is the reason we don't anymore.
I think that a lot of how we process things is down to how we are individually and what we have experienced during our lives up to the knock and also what support we receive post knock. There are no right or wrong answers in this journey or any consistency in how cases are dealt with. I've learned to just go with how I feel day to day and try to be present in the here and now because personally I have a tendency to imagine the worst if I let my mind runaway with me. I'm not familiar with your situation but from your name I'm guessing it is your son in law who has been charged, forgive me if I'm wrong.
My parents and siblings have been hugely supportive of me and my children but also haven't seen my person since before his arrest. I'm not sure if this will change over time but their support of me is so important to me. If this is your situation I'd advise you to just be a listening ear for your daughter and let her know that you're there for her whatever she chooses for her future. Sorry if I've got the wrong end of the stick xxx
Lost in law
I guess it depends on the relationship, but I suspect most don't actually get there almost immediately, although they may early on decide that that's a point where they would *like* to get to.
In the early days, I had to work hard not to blurt out "you've ruined our lives!" (and failed on several occasions).
I do see the whole person but still find it hard to understand how someone supposedly intelligent could make such a stupid, reckless, destructive mistake. It may not have *actually* ruined our lives, but it's made our lives a lot more unpleasant and difficult than before.
I guess it depends on the relationship, but I suspect most don't actually get there almost immediately, although they may early on decide that that's a point where they would *like* to get to.
In the early days, I had to work hard not to blurt out "you've ruined our lives!" (and failed on several occasions).
I do see the whole person but still find it hard to understand how someone supposedly intelligent could make such a stupid, reckless, destructive mistake. It may not have *actually* ruined our lives, but it's made our lives a lot more unpleasant and difficult than before.
in my case the person and the action is equally vile. But I had discussed cases in the area which the police now think there were links with, and I had said... if there were ever pictures it was over. In hindsight the look of his face said the truth... and I just wish that was the whole offence,
I just heard internet and children when the police knocked... and within hours his car keys and initial stuff were at the station, over 30 years gone. I learnt the whole truth later, about him and others, much later.
Something happened me a few months ago and me and the children experienced complete kindness at the hands of strangers.
and that one person did more for me and the children than he did in many years, same with his family. Isn't that awful and desperately sad. Knowing the whole truth about lots of things and people amd the extent ... that took a lot of time and documents and piecing things together.
that says a lot!
but I really hope I am unique!
I just heard internet and children when the police knocked... and within hours his car keys and initial stuff were at the station, over 30 years gone. I learnt the whole truth later, about him and others, much later.
Something happened me a few months ago and me and the children experienced complete kindness at the hands of strangers.
and that one person did more for me and the children than he did in many years, same with his family. Isn't that awful and desperately sad. Knowing the whole truth about lots of things and people amd the extent ... that took a lot of time and documents and piecing things together.
that says a lot!
but I really hope I am unique!
Lee agreed.
but ,,. I could never had stayed, even if he had been perfect or we had been happy,
Lots of reasons not for this forum but for me, it was always going to end with any type of this crime.
so person v action... still both for me
maybe a good question. Whose views changed after this offence? Maybe for another day
but ,,. I could never had stayed, even if he had been perfect or we had been happy,
Lots of reasons not for this forum but for me, it was always going to end with any type of this crime.
so person v action... still both for me
maybe a good question. Whose views changed after this offence? Maybe for another day
Absolutely Lee. Completely agree on that x
Hi Lost in Law
I agree with Lee it's not just the one action, it's how it destroys so many lives and futures. It depends on what they were like before some of these men have had affairs/gone on chat sites as well as normal porn before they were found out. It depends on whether they are remorseful, do lots of therapy geniunely or whether they are sorry for getting caught out. They need to try and do everything they can to make it up to their partners realise how destructive this is to everyone.
For anyone who has been affected by this, their lives are never the same, they can get better but it will be different. It's kind of like a scar, fades a bit but never goes away completely. It also destroys trust in relationships, some men have done this a second time.
All our stories are different and and so are the endings, this is such a horrible difficult thing to get through, but we will get through it.
Regards
Bereft
I agree with Lee it's not just the one action, it's how it destroys so many lives and futures. It depends on what they were like before some of these men have had affairs/gone on chat sites as well as normal porn before they were found out. It depends on whether they are remorseful, do lots of therapy geniunely or whether they are sorry for getting caught out. They need to try and do everything they can to make it up to their partners realise how destructive this is to everyone.
For anyone who has been affected by this, their lives are never the same, they can get better but it will be different. It's kind of like a scar, fades a bit but never goes away completely. It also destroys trust in relationships, some men have done this a second time.
All our stories are different and and so are the endings, this is such a horrible difficult thing to get through, but we will get through it.
Regards
Bereft
Hi Lost in Law
I agree with Lee it's not just the one action, it's how it destroys so many lives and futures. It depends on what they were like before some of these men have had affairs/gone on chat sites as well as normal porn before they were found out. It depends on whether they are remorseful, do lots of therapy geniunely or whether they are sorry for getting caught out. They need to try and do everything they can to make it up to their partners realise how destructive this is to everyone.
For anyone who has been affected by this, their lives are never the same, they can get better but it will be different. It's kind of like a scar, fades a bit but never goes away completely. It also destroys trust in relationships, some men have done this a second time.
All our stories are different and and so are the endings, this is such a horrible difficult thing to get through, but we will get through it.
Regards
Bereft
I agree with Lee it's not just the one action, it's how it destroys so many lives and futures. It depends on what they were like before some of these men have had affairs/gone on chat sites as well as normal porn before they were found out. It depends on whether they are remorseful, do lots of therapy geniunely or whether they are sorry for getting caught out. They need to try and do everything they can to make it up to their partners realise how destructive this is to everyone.
For anyone who has been affected by this, their lives are never the same, they can get better but it will be different. It's kind of like a scar, fades a bit but never goes away completely. It also destroys trust in relationships, some men have done this a second time.
All our stories are different and and so are the endings, this is such a horrible difficult thing to get through, but we will get through it.
Regards
Bereft