Family and Friends Forum

Hey everyone,



Feeling a bit strange today. We’re almost 7 weeks post knock and, as I’ve posted before, I decided within days to stay with my fiancé of 5 years. I explained my decision and circumstances in a previous post, so I won’t bore you with it all again, other than (briefly) he’s remorseful, there were medical issues that led to it (no excuse), he’s a wonderful person who did a bad thing, it’s not all he is, and he’s grateful to still have a future with me.

All I ask is that no one judges if they haven’t read my previous posts please.



Anyway, he’s been staying in his parents summerhouse, we’ve been seeing each other every day, my grown up daughters who still live at home can’t forgive him, and we’ve just come back from lovely break camping with our dog.



I’ve been desperate for him to come home, and so now I’ve told my girls that I want him home, it feels right at this point, and I need some kind of routine and normality back before I go back to work in September (I’m a teaching assistant).



Thing is, it’s not going to be easy. My 22 year old is working and finally enjoying life after a few years of mental health issues; she is also autistic (high functioning). My 18 year old will be leaving for university in a few weeks.



They are not happy about him coming home but understand that it is my decision. Trouble is, I am worried. About so many things. Will the eldest be ok when her younger sister is at uni? Will my OH get a new job soon? (He lost his when he was arrested and RUI.) Will our relationship stay as strong as it has been?



And also, I can now feel slight anger and resentment bubbling under the surface. I’ve been living in a bubble since it happened, and our relationship has been even stronger (and I suppose, almost a tiny bit exciting) whilst he’s not been living here. I can already feel his ‘gratefulness’ slipping. When we were away, we snapped at each other a little, and also, as a ridiculous side note, I realised I’ve enjoyed living in a tidy house again as he is unbelievably messy (ADHD). I know that doesn’t matter in the scheme of things, but I can’t help but feel a little annoyed with him. Like, I don’t want him to forget what he put/is putting me through, I want him to carry on being sorry, attentive etc etc. Does that sound bad? Like, if I’m forgiving him, I’m forgiving him, and that is that.



Ugh. I hope this passes, I’m full of anxiety today, and guilt (regarding my girls). Am I doing the right thing?

Just for a little context:

Our home is not his house, it is mine. So I suppose I feel protective of it. We are supposed to be getting married at some point and him coming on the mortgage, he has done loads to it to be fair.

Also: he has ASD, ADHD, and a condition called Klinefelter’s Syndrome, which affects his libido. He has testosterone injections every 15 weeks, which helps his libido at first, but makes it difficult to orgasm. Apologies if TMI, but this is most likely why he turned to (regular, at first) porn, to try get a release.

Hope this makes sense. None of it comes close to excusing it of course. And I don’t know if I’m just wanting that to be the reason, that elusive reason we are all needing.

This all makes me wonder whether I will EVER be enough, sexually. I know he adores me, but I need the intimate side of things too.

Thank you Bitterbean, that all makes perfect sense. I'm certainly not bringing him onto the mortgage until after charges etc.

It's so hard isn't it? I perhaps shouldn't have rushed him coming home, I think I wanted things back to 'normal' but it feels weird. Like, I've made it too easy for him almost.

I love him so much, but this terrible thing is hanging over us, and who knows how long before we hear anything more?! Just got to get on with it, but I just know that, every time he annoys me even slightly (things that didn't even annoy me before), resentment will bubble to the surface.

Sigh. Anyway, thanks for that suggestion, I guess I'll live this chunk of months up to bail. Sorry I vented, I've just woken up with a headache. I hope you have a good Bank holiday Monday x

Not doing so well today. Got up, came downstairs, and suddenly felt so overwhelmed with everything, I burst into tears and couldn’t stop. Haven’t cried since it first happened 7 weeks ago. I think the reality has set in after being in a weird bubble during the summer holidays, and it just hit me.

I think it’s because he’s moved back in and change is coming. I’m back to work next week, taking on more responsibility and a course, looking at the state of the house, worried about the state of our finances and the possibility of losing my home, my youngest is moving to university hundreds of miles away……meanwhile my once hardworking OH is sitting around playing Call of Duty, and I feel so angry!!

I know he’s struggling too, he feels terrible about ruining everything, but I just need him to bloody DO something!!

He doesn’t seem bothered about getting counselling anymore either, although he is actively job hunting, but looking for a less stressful, lower paid job.

I’m so worried about everything, and how I will manage financially, mentally, physically and emotionally.

So far, I’ve done a good job of taking each day as it comes, but that was quite easy while I’ve been off work.

I love him so so much, but I feel angry and resentful, and it’s simmering to the point I think it’s going to boil over very soon.

I could feel completely different tomorrow.



Sorry to vent yet again, I don’t need any ‘answers’ as such, I just don’t have another outlet.



I really hope all you lovely ladies in this crap club we find ourselves in are doing better than me today. Lots of love and hugs to you all x