He wants to move on and forget about it all..But i CANT
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we had the knock 8 months ago due to his online chatting offence.. It has and it is horrible going through it. The thing that is the most painful to me is that he seemed pretty motivated to find out why he did it, and do everything he could to be open about everything to me, and that was so helpful for me and us as a couple. After coming home from jail everything has been different. He doesnt want to talk about it anymore, or admit it is a porn addiction. Wich i highly think it is! Due to all the porn searches i have found on his phone, way back to 2015. So many different categories, including a small amount of indecent porn.. Why doesnt he all of a sudden want to talk about it? It seems that he just wants to forget about everything and start to live «normal» again. But in my head that isnt possible until he has really figured out why he end up in that Hole, and did what he did.. we cant move on with our lives until that is clear. I hope for an answer eventually...
And sorry for so much writing, just felt really good putting it all out somewhere.
And sorry for so much writing, just felt really good putting it all out somewhere.
And it is important to say that he has shown me so much remorse, guilt, and sadness over the crime he did the first 6 months after the knock. It hasnt been until now when he got home from jail a couple of months ago that he all of a sudden dont want to talk about it with me anymore. He gets mad or irritated when i bring it up.. Anyone else had this with their oh?/ son/ person.
Not a lot to offer but you cannot brush such a monumental life changing event under the carpet just like that. I agree with you on that one!!
I should think you'll have to talk about it - just to air your feelings and keep your relationship in check......
It sounds as though he's doing all the right things to rehabilitate though..... which is good.....
I should think you'll have to talk about it - just to air your feelings and keep your relationship in check......
It sounds as though he's doing all the right things to rehabilitate though..... which is good.....
It may be that having done the work himself, and having served his time, he is ready to move on. On the other hand, you are not ready to move on yet. You are not both in the same place. Would couples counselling help the two of you talk it out?
Hey Chloehelen,
I didn't want to read your post and not reply. I don't have much in the way of advice, but I'm in a similar position. My partner has done huge amounts of self-work through therapy and has shown a lot of remorse for his actions and is now in a place where he wants to move forward from it all. He finds the event and his addiction incredibly difficult and painful to talk about it and doesn't really want to revisit the past. For context, he received NFA 12 weeks ago, 9 weeks after the knock.
However, I'm still in a place where I'm not ready to brush it under the carpet, so I understand how you feel.
I didn't want to read your post and not reply. I don't have much in the way of advice, but I'm in a similar position. My partner has done huge amounts of self-work through therapy and has shown a lot of remorse for his actions and is now in a place where he wants to move forward from it all. He finds the event and his addiction incredibly difficult and painful to talk about it and doesn't really want to revisit the past. For context, he received NFA 12 weeks ago, 9 weeks after the knock.
However, I'm still in a place where I'm not ready to brush it under the carpet, so I understand how you feel.
Hi,
I second the advise given on here about continuing to air your feelings otherwise you and your relationship will suffer down the line. My person has just completed the horizon course and this has opened up a lot of opportunities to discuss things with me although some of the sessions have been quite intense so our conversations have had to wait a day or two before he was emotionally ready to discuss them.
I've actually been invited to his course review with the woman who ran the course and his probation officer. This is tomorrow, I'll post afterwards if anyone wants to have a read of my experience.
We are both now looking at couples counselling in the near future, finances are an issue at the moment but it's definitely something we both see value in doing and an important milestone for us individually and collectively. I honestly didn't think that we would get to this point as at times he has been very closed off due to his shame and not wanting to cause me further pain.
We are three years post knock, he was remanded and we are two and a half years post sentencing. I don't think there is a definitive timeline for recovery, it's very personal and is very similar to grieving not everyone has the same reactions and that's ok. Do what you need to for you, if he has to participate in some awkward conversations now so be it. You might have to explain that they need to happen for you to move forward as a couple xxx
I second the advise given on here about continuing to air your feelings otherwise you and your relationship will suffer down the line. My person has just completed the horizon course and this has opened up a lot of opportunities to discuss things with me although some of the sessions have been quite intense so our conversations have had to wait a day or two before he was emotionally ready to discuss them.
I've actually been invited to his course review with the woman who ran the course and his probation officer. This is tomorrow, I'll post afterwards if anyone wants to have a read of my experience.
We are both now looking at couples counselling in the near future, finances are an issue at the moment but it's definitely something we both see value in doing and an important milestone for us individually and collectively. I honestly didn't think that we would get to this point as at times he has been very closed off due to his shame and not wanting to cause me further pain.
We are three years post knock, he was remanded and we are two and a half years post sentencing. I don't think there is a definitive timeline for recovery, it's very personal and is very similar to grieving not everyone has the same reactions and that's ok. Do what you need to for you, if he has to participate in some awkward conversations now so be it. You might have to explain that they need to happen for you to move forward as a couple xxx
Distressed, great advice and put so much more eloquently than I did!
Chloehelen I was not meaning to sound dismissive. I agree that this needs to be talked about and sorted for both of you to move on, no matter how uncomfortable it might make him feel.its not helpful for him to say he doesn't want to talk about it. I get this from my OH, whenever I broach the subject, he either clams up, or starts talking then gets yelly. I know it's because he's stressed and scared but it's not helpful
Chloehelen I was not meaning to sound dismissive. I agree that this needs to be talked about and sorted for both of you to move on, no matter how uncomfortable it might make him feel.its not helpful for him to say he doesn't want to talk about it. I get this from my OH, whenever I broach the subject, he either clams up, or starts talking then gets yelly. I know it's because he's stressed and scared but it's not helpful