Family and Friends Forum

Dear Distraught- first of all do not think you are a bad mum, it's very early days for you all, but you'll soon realise there is nothing you could have done to stop this.

My son is much older (but the locked away life & awkwardness socially) is the same. People can be very devious in their secrecy - we had no idea what was happening under our roof - it was a total shock.... Again not you or your husband's fault.

All I can suggest is to get your son support (ladies on here I'm sure can advise). (Try) to keep calm and in a (normal) routine, (try) to take each day at a time and not panic about the future. You could drive yourself mad with worry, which will filter through to your son, and these worries might not happen.

I do feel for you especially with your son being so young - but I'm sure this will be took into account and I bet it's rife in these internet/social media days.

keep strong x

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I'm sorry you find yourself here, rest assured why you are has nothing to do with your parenting. This is not your fault. The reason any of us are here is not our fault.

I caught an enlightening documentary on Together TV called 'Porn on the Brain' which you may find helps you understand how so many find themselves down this rabbit hole, particularly the younger generation.

I send strength and support to you all. You only have control over your 'now' please don't allow this to consume your every waking moment. Keep your family unit as strong as you can. This journey is long and tough and your son sounds like he needs to know he'll be ok despite his mistake.

You will get through this, you all will x

My son was a little older, but a lot of what you describe I recognise. Your son is 14 and from what you describe he has been groomed. I totally understand those horrible feelings of failure as a mum. But look around this problem with young boys accessing all porn is rife . I was totally ignorant until the police turned up at our door. I hadnt realised he had been self harming until he told the police ,now I see the scars on his arms and cannot believe I missed them.

Dont underestimate the impact of lockdown .

I would say a big positive is that this has been caught early. He can now access the help he needs. He is 14 he has his whole life ahead of him and he can turn this round.

My son was suicidal he is now in a better place This has taken work and he was very lucky in that the police did not find images on his devices so case was closed no further action.

I would advise you find some counselling for your son, lucy faithful is great .

My son knew I was devastated but I tried to put a brave face on in front of him . Concentrate on positive actions he can take. Keep reminding him of all his good qualities that this does not define him.

Take this time to put some new protocols in place re where and when he is allowed time on screens. You can install software that alerts you to what is being accessed (sorry cant recall which one we use my husband sorts that)

Be wary about who you tell, we told no one. Keep it to a need to know basis.

Your sons school should be supportive, he is a victim of grooming and should be viewed as such.

Be kind to yourself, you sound like a normal loving mum who cares deeply so your son is lucky to have you and your husband in his corner.

Sending love and hugs ..there will be better days x

How did the police leave it. Did they take any devices to examine, has your son been formally interviewed?

So sorry you find yourself here .. but Another Worried Mum's advice is spot on. It's not my child that is being investigated (because in the eyes of the law a child is what he is and should be treated as such) but my husband who really should have known better than to even look at porn.



After he was arrested, I spoke to the OIC and she said that the way they deal with teenagers is completely different to adults (hope that puts your mind at rest). I too think your son has been a victim of grooming .. he is too young to understand the seriousness of his actions.

I was totally unaware of the ease of how these images can be accessed .. click legal .. click .. legal .. click illegal. You don't have to even search these things out .. they are just 'there'.



I know it's hard but try to look at this as a positive .. better to be caught now while still a child than get to 18 when the Police take a very different attitude.



Wishing you strength and a quick conclusion to this horrible mess x

I think in these cases there is a lot of grooming situations - both adult and teenagers. Although the police said there was no indication/evidence my son was lead or groomed into his behaviour - I disagree.

Police were hell bent on a conviction at any cost - but I know my son as a person, they don't give a damn about that!

I think vunerable teenagers and even grown men can be easily sucked into this world, getting themselves deeper and deeper into trouble - like quicksand pulling you down.

bit irrelevant but just my opinion on the grooming thing.

I am so sorry you have found yourself here, I would like to reiterate what others have said that he is only 14 so your situation will be treated differently to others on here which is a good thing, A lot of the main worry people have is, others finding out and it being made public by media which is something you won't have to worry about with him being under 18.
please be wary of the police they are not your friend and will have no empathy for your situation.
As horrible as your situation is I would think of it as a second chance, he is only 14 his whole life ahead and you are now aware of the situation and can be one step ahead, he can get therapy, you could get therapy sorry I'm rambling But in my situation I reminisce about how our life would be better if only I knew when they were that age (as he was looking at the age also) and how it might never of got to how bad it did. Sending lots of love to you. It really does get easier

Hi,

mum of a 16 year old who has done the same thing and been sentenced. Everything you are feeling is completely normal. You are also going to be okay. You are going to be okay. You are going to be okay. I know I'm saying this repeatedly. It's going to be a hard slog possibly, but you can do this. And I'm here if you need any help of advice.



I haven't been on for ages. For us the knock was 2020.



It feels terrible. Unbelievable. The worst pain you feel you have ever felt along with the shock and you will be feeling all sorts of emotions. This is normal.



Here for you x

Hi Distraught,

It has been a hard slog without a doubt. He got a youth RHO of 12 months, 5 years shpo and has had to sign onto the register as a result which means he will be 23 when he can finally properly move on. Unfortunately, he became NEET because school/college wouldn't take him but this was as soon as we got the knock. He is now working and has got his fork lift truck licence. It's a totally different future clearly than what was hoped for, but he's getting by and earning his own money. He's also going through the ASD assessment process. He's 19 now.



There will likely be some tough times for you but all I can advise is to work with the agencies including SS and demonstrate your protectiveness - come up with your own family safety plan. I found that whilst they are risk averse because I'd come up with the majority of the plan that I made strict, they often argued more leniancy but trusted me to have a handle of things but I do have background in safeguarding as part of my professional role. (YJS have been brilliant, probation less so), he is subject to monitoring by the police on his devices until he is 23 although we are warned by the PPU that even when that is up they may wish to extend it further, but we will cross that bridge when we come to it!



xxx

Hi again,

I've been where you are. Incensed and researching the hell out of everything and knowing my child's rights whilst being furious at the state of the internet as to why he did what he did. He was taught through his course how to get into the dark web. So tried it. This is what led to our circumstance, and porn. I have raised with exam board and to be fair the spec has been changed. As for the rest. I was fighting against a brick wall and had to accept that this is our lot. It's been incredibly hard. But that being said, we switched our focus away from injustice to what we could do. We fought instead towards a new future and what he could achieve with restrictions which I think was far healthier.



At the end of the day, as frustrating and unjust as it is we have no control. All of the policies in place re my son are contradicting and has all been placed around his risk. But, in spite of everything, he's found a new future. Once he's 23 he wants to do college, and then get into urban development. X

Also, the young persons inform course through LFF is invaluable, as is the helpline. There is always someone to listen. I was terrified at first to ring but the amount of hours these lovely ladies have put in with me and been reassuring is amazing. So understanding. Please do ring. I find around lunchtime is the best time to ring.



Tracy S on YPI is amazing, so it Colette x

Finding this an extremely sad but interesting post.. yes Distraught - it all so unfair for men, teenagers and boys to be labelled like they are.

None of us condone the crime or put the victims to one side in our mind - but many do not fit the definition of the P word. I looked up the meaning on Wikipedia and it's complex - but all placed under this cruel umbrella by the public. The media are at the top of the tree whipping up that hate and prejudice.

You learn so much on this jouney - things you never realised or even thought about. I thank god for people like Lee and everyone from the LFF for supporting us when it seems the world is against us - they are there. I wonder where I would be without this personal support.....