Parents separating
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I'm an adult and live apart from my parents. My dad was arrested for indecent communication with minors in May and my mum has decided she wants to separate from him. I completely support her decision but am feeling really sad and also worried about what this means for the future. I think she'll cope OK but am not so sure about my dad. That being said, I can't be there to provide emotional support for him as I need to focus on my mum and myself and can't stop thinking that he bought this upon himself.
This probably sounds selfish but I also thought they'd live out their old age together and look after each other and I can see everything now falling on me. I do have a sister but she lives at the other end of the country.
Just venting. There are no solutions and I know it's a case of taking each day as it comes but everything feels a bit crappy right now. Has anyone else been through similar?
This probably sounds selfish but I also thought they'd live out their old age together and look after each other and I can see everything now falling on me. I do have a sister but she lives at the other end of the country.
Just venting. There are no solutions and I know it's a case of taking each day as it comes but everything feels a bit crappy right now. Has anyone else been through similar?
I'm sorry you find yourself here and what a difficult situation you are in.
You are right that your dad has brought this on himself. That you are on this message board shows that you have researched the support available; has your dad? He could get counselling through StopSo or attend the LFF course or sign up for Horizons?
You don't have to be his only emotional support.
There is also support out there for you from the same organisations.
I am the partner rather than daughter of the offender, but I know there are other daughters on here. I hope they find you and can give you more specific advice or space to vent.
xx
You are right that your dad has brought this on himself. That you are on this message board shows that you have researched the support available; has your dad? He could get counselling through StopSo or attend the LFF course or sign up for Horizons?
You don't have to be his only emotional support.
There is also support out there for you from the same organisations.
I am the partner rather than daughter of the offender, but I know there are other daughters on here. I hope they find you and can give you more specific advice or space to vent.
xx
Thank you. Yes my dad is having StopSo counselling. It's early days but not sure how much it is helping, to be honest. My mum is having her own counselling too and I've also had some.
I've reached out to a few other people going through similar on here. Everyone is really lovely and supportive but it's very different when it's a parent who has offended rather than a partner or child.
I've reached out to a few other people going through similar on here. Everyone is really lovely and supportive but it's very different when it's a parent who has offended rather than a partner or child.
Huge hugs! You deserve and need support. Please do not feel you are the one who should provide support. Please look after yourself and seek all the support you need.
Hi mango,
I'm in a similar situation. I've sent you a private message. Happy to talk whenever you need and sending you big hugs
x
I'm in a similar situation. I've sent you a private message. Happy to talk whenever you need and sending you big hugs
x
I am in a very similar situation, adult daughter. My main focus is my own children and my mother but I can't help worry about my dad either. I keep thinking, why do I care about him as he did this to us, but at the end of the day he's my dad and I can't just stop caring instantly. I suppose I am beginning the grieving process of the breakdown of the family unit, always imagined we would have holidays, Christmas' all together and mum and dad would live forever together.
Are you thinking about continuing to see him? Has counselling helped you reach these decisions? (I'm day 4 of the whole process and so lost with where to begin)
Are you thinking about continuing to see him? Has counselling helped you reach these decisions? (I'm day 4 of the whole process and so lost with where to begin)
Oh confused daughter, you're so early in this process. You don't have to make any decisions yet and any decision you make does not have to be permanent.
the early days are awful, I do hope you've found the post on surviving these first few weeks. (I think it's on the understanding why page).
hugs to you and sorry you've joined this club x
the early days are awful, I do hope you've found the post on surviving these first few weeks. (I think it's on the understanding why page).
hugs to you and sorry you've joined this club x
Hi there .. daughter also here. My mum decided to stay with my dad although I knew if she could have left she would. my dad was very vulnerable not the best of health so we couldn't throw him out on the streets and not financially able to provide a second home etc ...
We are 3 years living with this hell since June 2020.
time did heal us a little and we did move on or try to.
but my sister has 2 young children and she is struggling a lot right now. I don't have children so I think her and my mum think I have it easier but it's just different.
my dad has not been able to be around the children on his own without my sister since it happened (their decision)
and now my sister's in laws have decided they Want to bring it all up again (they found out when it was in the local paper 3 years ago ) and they want to talk about it now?!
3 years on and you see the damage done .. you see the changed relationships and distance it's caused.
its the worse thing we have ever gone through as a family and tbh irepairable.
but you have to look after yourself, take care of your emotions and your head space.
We are 3 years living with this hell since June 2020.
time did heal us a little and we did move on or try to.
but my sister has 2 young children and she is struggling a lot right now. I don't have children so I think her and my mum think I have it easier but it's just different.
my dad has not been able to be around the children on his own without my sister since it happened (their decision)
and now my sister's in laws have decided they Want to bring it all up again (they found out when it was in the local paper 3 years ago ) and they want to talk about it now?!
3 years on and you see the damage done .. you see the changed relationships and distance it's caused.
its the worse thing we have ever gone through as a family and tbh irepairable.
but you have to look after yourself, take care of your emotions and your head space.
Hi Mango and Luis,
Adult daughter here too, with similar timelines to you Luis.
My Dad downloaded and distributed iioc. He received a suspended sentence, but 6 months later was in court (I'm not sure how he breached his terms) and sent to prison. I love my Dad for those earlier years and am accepting that I do not have to have him in my life now for these choices he's made.
If it's ok to recommend (Moderators please remove if not) I highly recommend speaking to your GP to see if Cognitive Behavioural Therapy would be worth exploring. It's truly done wonders for me, more than I thought possible. I made myself ill before he went to prison, trying to support him and show him I wasn't giving up on him at the expense of my needs.
If someone had told me I would go from that to feeling confident advocating my needs and boundaries to the family and taking active steps in emotionally distancing myself from it all (His offending, becoming a rough sleeper, prison, parents divorce including what happens to the home I grew up in and Mum still needs, his likely imminent release, what happens once he's out), I would have said they're coo coo bananas.
Instead of families saying they're in the same boat, I prefer the idea of being in the same storm and experiencing it in different boats. Same situation hitting in different ways.
Everything you're feeling is valid. Please please truly think about what you need in all of this, and look after yourselves.
Adult daughter here too, with similar timelines to you Luis.
My Dad downloaded and distributed iioc. He received a suspended sentence, but 6 months later was in court (I'm not sure how he breached his terms) and sent to prison. I love my Dad for those earlier years and am accepting that I do not have to have him in my life now for these choices he's made.
If it's ok to recommend (Moderators please remove if not) I highly recommend speaking to your GP to see if Cognitive Behavioural Therapy would be worth exploring. It's truly done wonders for me, more than I thought possible. I made myself ill before he went to prison, trying to support him and show him I wasn't giving up on him at the expense of my needs.
If someone had told me I would go from that to feeling confident advocating my needs and boundaries to the family and taking active steps in emotionally distancing myself from it all (His offending, becoming a rough sleeper, prison, parents divorce including what happens to the home I grew up in and Mum still needs, his likely imminent release, what happens once he's out), I would have said they're coo coo bananas.
Instead of families saying they're in the same boat, I prefer the idea of being in the same storm and experiencing it in different boats. Same situation hitting in different ways.
Everything you're feeling is valid. Please please truly think about what you need in all of this, and look after yourselves.
Hi everyone,
Hope you all don't mind me commenting on this thread. I rarely see people post on here about being the adult child of an offender.
My dad was arrested for accessing IIOC in Summer of 2020. Its changed my life and though I have adjusted somewhat, as much as I can, I feel sad and confused every day.
Sending love to all x
Hope you all don't mind me commenting on this thread. I rarely see people post on here about being the adult child of an offender.
My dad was arrested for accessing IIOC in Summer of 2020. Its changed my life and though I have adjusted somewhat, as much as I can, I feel sad and confused every day.
Sending love to all x
Hi JE,
I'm sorry for what you're going through too. Always jump in on a thread if you'd like to, it does help.
I wondered, to anyone who's comfortable answering, have any of you talked to friends about it? I came really close to a couple times but just couldn't. I'm so scared of losing them over this and not to mention drawing more traffic to the online reports.
I think it's easy to say "If they were true friends they'd support you" but it feels like a big ask and a big gamble. You just don't know how someone will react.
I speak openly about it all in CBT so I'm grateful to have that safe space. It's more about maintaining meaningful friendships when there's this huge, traumatic and consuming thing I was dragged into out of nowhere almost 4 years ago that is so painful and has absolutely changed me, but none of my friends know that.
The journey still isn't over but if I've gone this long without that support maybe there's no point now. I guess I'm weighing up if there's any benefit in sharing or if it would do more harm than good at this late stage.
Thanks for reading and keep being kind to yourselves :)
I'm sorry for what you're going through too. Always jump in on a thread if you'd like to, it does help.
I wondered, to anyone who's comfortable answering, have any of you talked to friends about it? I came really close to a couple times but just couldn't. I'm so scared of losing them over this and not to mention drawing more traffic to the online reports.
I think it's easy to say "If they were true friends they'd support you" but it feels like a big ask and a big gamble. You just don't know how someone will react.
I speak openly about it all in CBT so I'm grateful to have that safe space. It's more about maintaining meaningful friendships when there's this huge, traumatic and consuming thing I was dragged into out of nowhere almost 4 years ago that is so painful and has absolutely changed me, but none of my friends know that.
The journey still isn't over but if I've gone this long without that support maybe there's no point now. I guess I'm weighing up if there's any benefit in sharing or if it would do more harm than good at this late stage.
Thanks for reading and keep being kind to yourselves :)
Thanks BlueJayy.
Yes I have told a few friends, I didn't feel like I could cope without having any friends to talk to and I already had a breakdown about a year after it happened I just completely buckled under the stress and strain.
I completely understand what you're saying about not knowing how people would react and I was really worried about regretting telling someone and not being able to take it back. Its a completely personal choice to whether you tell anyone. There was only one friend I told who I felt probably did have underlying judgemental thoughts and if I could take it back I probably would but it doesnt cause me distress. the others I've told have just been wonderful and so supportive. I have counselling for it too.
I find it really difficult that most people noticed that I wasn't okay and people commented on my relationship with my dad changing and it's been this big horrible secret. It's still difficult having to be pretty vague with people but it helped me a bit that a few friends know.
Yes I have told a few friends, I didn't feel like I could cope without having any friends to talk to and I already had a breakdown about a year after it happened I just completely buckled under the stress and strain.
I completely understand what you're saying about not knowing how people would react and I was really worried about regretting telling someone and not being able to take it back. Its a completely personal choice to whether you tell anyone. There was only one friend I told who I felt probably did have underlying judgemental thoughts and if I could take it back I probably would but it doesnt cause me distress. the others I've told have just been wonderful and so supportive. I have counselling for it too.
I find it really difficult that most people noticed that I wasn't okay and people commented on my relationship with my dad changing and it's been this big horrible secret. It's still difficult having to be pretty vague with people but it helped me a bit that a few friends know.
Minus that one friend who kind of caught me at a week moment, the others I've told I chose because they were good friends who I really trusted. And the only concerns they've had has been me and supporting me.
JE that is so so positive about your friends. I'm really happy you were able to open up to them and you have them to support you :) I'll keep this in mind while I think things over so thanks for sharing.
Also I'm sorry hearing how this hell has impacted your health. It honestly sounds like you're doing all the right things with recognising what you need to look after yourself and make space for your needs in all this and I'm wishing you all the best.
Also I'm sorry hearing how this hell has impacted your health. It honestly sounds like you're doing all the right things with recognising what you need to look after yourself and make space for your needs in all this and I'm wishing you all the best.
Thank you BlueJayy, wishing you all the best too.