Contact with grandad
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Hello,
I am all very new to this so I am just seeking advice and support. I am the adult daughter of a father who is under investigation for communicating online, no intent to meet.
I have children of my own and their safety and future is all I worry about, as well as my the safety of my mother.
What are peoples thoughts about whether I continue to allow my father to have contact with my children? How does this look to others? Have their been repercussions? Should I cut all ties now or wait for the outcome of the investigation?
I don't want to make decisions I later regret but I don't want to do nothing either. Thank you
I am all very new to this so I am just seeking advice and support. I am the adult daughter of a father who is under investigation for communicating online, no intent to meet.
I have children of my own and their safety and future is all I worry about, as well as my the safety of my mother.
What are peoples thoughts about whether I continue to allow my father to have contact with my children? How does this look to others? Have their been repercussions? Should I cut all ties now or wait for the outcome of the investigation?
I don't want to make decisions I later regret but I don't want to do nothing either. Thank you
Hi Confused Daughter,
I am in the same boat. My dad got the knock in May, a few days before we were supposed to visit him with my 2 kids. The police told us that the kids were not allowed to visit as a result of his bail conditions (no contact with under 18s).
We have had social worker involvement who have ascertained that they don't believe my dad has done any harm to my children. Similar to you it was communication (with a police decoy) with no intent. He says he has never committed a contact offence and I believe him. This doesn't excuse what he did which is extremely serious.
I decided early on not to have any contact (not even phone calls) between my dad and kids until I know more. I was considering restarting phone contact after the police called and said that as long as I was aware of what he was being investigated for he was allowed to see them supervised. However a couple of days after that I found out the age of the child he was discussing from our social work report and was really disgusted, and have decided not to allow contact for now until I know more.
Even though I don't believe he poses a physical risk to my children, I'm mindful that one day I will likely have to explain to them what happened and justify the decisions I made regarding their well-being. I don't want to take any risks in that regard. My dad is still very confused, vague with or holding back the details for now. I'm sure it's horrendous to have to talk to your children about some of the things he has said online.
I have gone from giving my dad the benefit of the doubt to thinking about the worst possible scenarios, and have realised that I don't have enough information to make a decision yet. I've had moments where i wanted to cut all ties immediately. I spoke to a therapist about it and they rightly pointed out that I don't have to do anything irreversible for now. I identified with what you said about doing nothing not being an option. My therapist also helped me understand that in this case doing nothing is an active choice. So I'm ok with doing nothing and having no contact for now, but not ruling out any future scenario - from no contact to supervised contact if I know more and am satisfied that either is the best thing for my children.
I'm also sad that my kids don't now have a grandparent close by (my mum died 2 years ago and my partners' parents live abroad) but I've weighed that up vs the risks and feel that I have to prioritise their safety. All the stuff everyone says on here about it feeling like grief because you have lost the person you thought you knew is so true.
take care of yourself x
I am in the same boat. My dad got the knock in May, a few days before we were supposed to visit him with my 2 kids. The police told us that the kids were not allowed to visit as a result of his bail conditions (no contact with under 18s).
We have had social worker involvement who have ascertained that they don't believe my dad has done any harm to my children. Similar to you it was communication (with a police decoy) with no intent. He says he has never committed a contact offence and I believe him. This doesn't excuse what he did which is extremely serious.
I decided early on not to have any contact (not even phone calls) between my dad and kids until I know more. I was considering restarting phone contact after the police called and said that as long as I was aware of what he was being investigated for he was allowed to see them supervised. However a couple of days after that I found out the age of the child he was discussing from our social work report and was really disgusted, and have decided not to allow contact for now until I know more.
Even though I don't believe he poses a physical risk to my children, I'm mindful that one day I will likely have to explain to them what happened and justify the decisions I made regarding their well-being. I don't want to take any risks in that regard. My dad is still very confused, vague with or holding back the details for now. I'm sure it's horrendous to have to talk to your children about some of the things he has said online.
I have gone from giving my dad the benefit of the doubt to thinking about the worst possible scenarios, and have realised that I don't have enough information to make a decision yet. I've had moments where i wanted to cut all ties immediately. I spoke to a therapist about it and they rightly pointed out that I don't have to do anything irreversible for now. I identified with what you said about doing nothing not being an option. My therapist also helped me understand that in this case doing nothing is an active choice. So I'm ok with doing nothing and having no contact for now, but not ruling out any future scenario - from no contact to supervised contact if I know more and am satisfied that either is the best thing for my children.
I'm also sad that my kids don't now have a grandparent close by (my mum died 2 years ago and my partners' parents live abroad) but I've weighed that up vs the risks and feel that I have to prioritise their safety. All the stuff everyone says on here about it feeling like grief because you have lost the person you thought you knew is so true.
take care of yourself x
Hi I wanted to weigh in too.
My dad got the knock over two years ago. He told different stories to me, my siblings, his wife etc. They were all lies, the longer the investigation went on for, the more truth came out. I still don't know exactly what's going on even now, with the court case looming.
From the moment I spoke to the police and the social, I knew I couldn't allow this man to be a part of my children's lives, or mine. At first I was worried I was making a knee jerk reaction, but time has proven that actually my instincts kicked in to protect my kids and thank God they did.
I can't describe the pain of waiting for a phone call to tell me whether or not innocent photos I'd sent to my children's grandfather had become pornography for another sick person.
No one can tell you what to do, but I'd rather be explaining to my kids why they don't have a relationship with their grandad than why I've allowed them to be in harms way.
And remember, you can always change your mind. Nothing is forever unless you want it to be x
My dad got the knock over two years ago. He told different stories to me, my siblings, his wife etc. They were all lies, the longer the investigation went on for, the more truth came out. I still don't know exactly what's going on even now, with the court case looming.
From the moment I spoke to the police and the social, I knew I couldn't allow this man to be a part of my children's lives, or mine. At first I was worried I was making a knee jerk reaction, but time has proven that actually my instincts kicked in to protect my kids and thank God they did.
I can't describe the pain of waiting for a phone call to tell me whether or not innocent photos I'd sent to my children's grandfather had become pornography for another sick person.
No one can tell you what to do, but I'd rather be explaining to my kids why they don't have a relationship with their grandad than why I've allowed them to be in harms way.
And remember, you can always change your mind. Nothing is forever unless you want it to be x