Living a lie
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Hi,
I'm a week in to the whole journey, and just wondering about people's experiences and thoughts once charges have been made - If we choose as a family to not share with anyone about what has happened, do we just take this event to the grave and live in a lie? What would happen in 5, 10, 15 years and extended family and friends did find out some how? How can we explain the choices we made, or choosing to not tell people. Am I getting too into my head?
I'm a week in to the whole journey, and just wondering about people's experiences and thoughts once charges have been made - If we choose as a family to not share with anyone about what has happened, do we just take this event to the grave and live in a lie? What would happen in 5, 10, 15 years and extended family and friends did find out some how? How can we explain the choices we made, or choosing to not tell people. Am I getting too into my head?
Hi there,
It's a dilemma, isn't it! People on here have a variety of experiences with telling others or choosing not to, but the burden of carrying such a big secret often takes its toll eventually. However, it's still very early days for you and your feelings will probably change over time so maybe it's OK to not make a 'to tell or not to tell' decision just yet although if you're like me these sorts of questions can really keep you awake at night.
When you say 'family' do you mean your extended family? If so you will have a group of people to talk to and that might be enough. The problem could come in the future as there may be expectations around certain behaviours eg not spending time with friends who have children unless they are told about the offence (I don't know who it is or what the charges might be but that is certainly what happens with most sexual offences discussed on here) That can make people feel very isolated as they feel they have to avoid social events because of that expectation and they don't want peoople to know. But that is way into the future for you.
I hope you are looking after yourself and not finding it impossibly hard to keep quiet about something so traumatic. Things will become easier to bear as the weeks go by, I promise you that xxxx
It's a dilemma, isn't it! People on here have a variety of experiences with telling others or choosing not to, but the burden of carrying such a big secret often takes its toll eventually. However, it's still very early days for you and your feelings will probably change over time so maybe it's OK to not make a 'to tell or not to tell' decision just yet although if you're like me these sorts of questions can really keep you awake at night.
When you say 'family' do you mean your extended family? If so you will have a group of people to talk to and that might be enough. The problem could come in the future as there may be expectations around certain behaviours eg not spending time with friends who have children unless they are told about the offence (I don't know who it is or what the charges might be but that is certainly what happens with most sexual offences discussed on here) That can make people feel very isolated as they feel they have to avoid social events because of that expectation and they don't want peoople to know. But that is way into the future for you.
I hope you are looking after yourself and not finding it impossibly hard to keep quiet about something so traumatic. Things will become easier to bear as the weeks go by, I promise you that xxxx
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Hi Confused Daughter,
It's so easy to overthink when you're in the situation we are. For a start, it's totally unexpected and out of our sphere of reality, trying to make sense out of something that makes no sense. I started out telling my best friend and his partner and her Mum because we're a family of sorts. I pretty much told no one else for almost a year and a half besides our therapist. I have found that telling people slowly released the pressure cooker feeling I felt trapped in, but I am blessed with incredibly kind and understanding family and friends.
Don't feel pressured to tell anyone, and take each day as it comes.
It's so easy to overthink when you're in the situation we are. For a start, it's totally unexpected and out of our sphere of reality, trying to make sense out of something that makes no sense. I started out telling my best friend and his partner and her Mum because we're a family of sorts. I pretty much told no one else for almost a year and a half besides our therapist. I have found that telling people slowly released the pressure cooker feeling I felt trapped in, but I am blessed with incredibly kind and understanding family and friends.
Don't feel pressured to tell anyone, and take each day as it comes.
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We are almost a year in and I have told who I have too tell people of trust yet one of my closest friends I have chosen not too as I know she wouldn't keep it to herself, It took me a while to tell some people at first it was a need to know basis, I felt like I was walking around with a sign on my head in the first month or so x
We are exactly two months in to this awful journey and we haven't told anyone except our parents, my daughters and my boss (Headteacher at the school I work in).
We have no intention of telling anyone else, so, unless it comes out on a later date, it will stay that way.
Sometimes it does feel like a heavy burden to carry and I do worry that I will let it slip, but at the moment we are just trying to get on with our lives one day at a time.
We have no intention of telling anyone else, so, unless it comes out on a later date, it will stay that way.
Sometimes it does feel like a heavy burden to carry and I do worry that I will let it slip, but at the moment we are just trying to get on with our lives one day at a time.
Hi Confused Daughter
I didn't tell a soul for 18 mths. The secrecy was adding to my personal distress and trauma. It is a time when you're hoping and praying that nothing further is uncovered...for all that time he was under investigation for one image. It's horrible cos you're thinking well maybe that's it. Deep down you realise the police can't really arrest on 'one'. So i knew that more would be found. OH was adamant throughout that he didn't know they were illegal images.....turned out they are teens and far more than one! Hundreds!
The moment he was charged....full trauma all over again. I was about to mentally crash. For me, the reality that it was all about to become public (court action) i just had to tell my closest. It's truly bloody awful making the decision.
It has to be right for you whether during the investigation, after charge, or 5, 10 years, or never.
The people I have told are so supportive, most even told me off for dealing with it alone for so long.
I found writing it down helped me convey why i had held it for so long, how it was impacting me and how i treasured their friendship etc.
All that said, it really is your own personal decision. Some do, some don't. Please do seek out support from the LF support line. Be kind to yourself always, take each day and emotion at a time. X
I didn't tell a soul for 18 mths. The secrecy was adding to my personal distress and trauma. It is a time when you're hoping and praying that nothing further is uncovered...for all that time he was under investigation for one image. It's horrible cos you're thinking well maybe that's it. Deep down you realise the police can't really arrest on 'one'. So i knew that more would be found. OH was adamant throughout that he didn't know they were illegal images.....turned out they are teens and far more than one! Hundreds!
The moment he was charged....full trauma all over again. I was about to mentally crash. For me, the reality that it was all about to become public (court action) i just had to tell my closest. It's truly bloody awful making the decision.
It has to be right for you whether during the investigation, after charge, or 5, 10 years, or never.
The people I have told are so supportive, most even told me off for dealing with it alone for so long.
I found writing it down helped me convey why i had held it for so long, how it was impacting me and how i treasured their friendship etc.
All that said, it really is your own personal decision. Some do, some don't. Please do seek out support from the LF support line. Be kind to yourself always, take each day and emotion at a time. X
I didn't tell anyone until near two years after my partner was sentenced. I have been going by the 'need to know' principle.
It was tough, having to lie and be consistent with the lies. Especially since my partner isn't allowed contact with any under 16.
Only a handful of people know over the past five years. It does get tough tho, as more likely people will have kids in my family....
It was tough, having to lie and be consistent with the lies. Especially since my partner isn't allowed contact with any under 16.
Only a handful of people know over the past five years. It does get tough tho, as more likely people will have kids in my family....
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Hi looking to chat but can't post as new.Any forums open now elsewhere? Thank you