Telling my teenager
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Hello, I need some help and guidance, please. Although you may all just feel gobsmacked and not know what to say.
Her dad/my partner(still together now) was arrested when she was 9 for viewing images, at the time I didn't tell her anything. She didn't really realise anything had happened and social services didn't get involved, They came for a single chat with just me and said everything was fine and he didn't need to move out etc.
Skip forward to when she was 11 and the police came back and took another phone to check. This time police stuck around and wanted to talk to her and me, they were in the house for the morning and it was horrible and the police asked her things about if her father had ever upset her, touched her ect, this time social services were very much involved and didn't sod off for almost 1 year. After home visits, doing a safety booklet with her, and visiting her at school, him moving out. With her age etc. I needed to tell her something this time. As everyone will agree the thought of telling a child the truth is the most horrendous thought ever and I made the big and unfortunate mistake of lying to her. I told her, that her father had hit someone when he was angry that he thought was an adult but that was actually a teenage boy(aka child) and that's why he was arrested and social services needed to make sure she was safe(I'm embarrassed to see my stupid lie written down and can see now how ridiculous it was of me) She was shocked as he isn't at all a violent man, he's ridiculously sociable and likeable and makes friends everywhere.
Anyway, tomorrow is our daughter's 13th birthday and 2 days ago the CPS finally made their decision and sent the letter we've been dreading. He's due in court at the beginning of October! So now I HAVE to tell her the truth that she needed to know all along because he could go to prison!
Unfortunately, she's now left her incredibly supportive primary school and is at a sh*tty senior school that doesn't bother to build relationships with the children just fixates on uniform policies and crap!
I'm such a f**king idiot and feel terrible for betraying her this way. She's such a sentimental child too, she holds onto good and bad experiences and fills them with emotions that she holds onto as well. We are currently waiting for a doctor app as she's struggling with her mental health, bipolar runs in the family (dad and others have it) - the absolute worst nightmare will be that she is impacted by this too.
If you've managed to lift your jaw from the ground....so disappointed in myself.
Any advice on how to navigate this would be incredible!
Her dad/my partner(still together now) was arrested when she was 9 for viewing images, at the time I didn't tell her anything. She didn't really realise anything had happened and social services didn't get involved, They came for a single chat with just me and said everything was fine and he didn't need to move out etc.
Skip forward to when she was 11 and the police came back and took another phone to check. This time police stuck around and wanted to talk to her and me, they were in the house for the morning and it was horrible and the police asked her things about if her father had ever upset her, touched her ect, this time social services were very much involved and didn't sod off for almost 1 year. After home visits, doing a safety booklet with her, and visiting her at school, him moving out. With her age etc. I needed to tell her something this time. As everyone will agree the thought of telling a child the truth is the most horrendous thought ever and I made the big and unfortunate mistake of lying to her. I told her, that her father had hit someone when he was angry that he thought was an adult but that was actually a teenage boy(aka child) and that's why he was arrested and social services needed to make sure she was safe(I'm embarrassed to see my stupid lie written down and can see now how ridiculous it was of me) She was shocked as he isn't at all a violent man, he's ridiculously sociable and likeable and makes friends everywhere.
Anyway, tomorrow is our daughter's 13th birthday and 2 days ago the CPS finally made their decision and sent the letter we've been dreading. He's due in court at the beginning of October! So now I HAVE to tell her the truth that she needed to know all along because he could go to prison!
Unfortunately, she's now left her incredibly supportive primary school and is at a sh*tty senior school that doesn't bother to build relationships with the children just fixates on uniform policies and crap!
I'm such a f**king idiot and feel terrible for betraying her this way. She's such a sentimental child too, she holds onto good and bad experiences and fills them with emotions that she holds onto as well. We are currently waiting for a doctor app as she's struggling with her mental health, bipolar runs in the family (dad and others have it) - the absolute worst nightmare will be that she is impacted by this too.
If you've managed to lift your jaw from the ground....so disappointed in myself.
Any advice on how to navigate this would be incredible!
Your child's school has a huge duty of care towards her. The DSL at her school should be aware of her situation and she is unlikely to be the first or only child in her school in this circumstance. No matter how obsessed they are with uniform, they have a legal duty to look after your child and should be able to provide pastoral support and refer to other agencies.
I would arrange to speak to the DSL and explain the situation and your daughter's needs. The contact details for the DSL will be on the school's website and they have confidentiality systems in place.
I would arrange to speak to the DSL and explain the situation and your daughter's needs. The contact details for the DSL will be on the school's website and they have confidentiality systems in place.
My son is 13 too and if you explain that you were trying to protect her am sure she will understand your reasons. My OH will be sentenced soon and I too am really struggling with the words. I have been told by professionals to be honest and focus that you and a team and will work through it together. I feel your pain. Its awful doing this x
Hi, Thank you for your replies and reassurance. I've decided I will be telling my daughter this Friday. I spoke to the DSL at her school, and she was nice and offered a room at the school that I could use to tell her if I thought it would be easier to tell her, she said I could bring other family members if I wanted to or just me and my daughter or with the DSL too. I'll be doing it at home and then updating the school on how to go, they've said she can use the well-being room at the school (a calm space easy from the main school building, with animals to care for). I'm just going to tell her as little as possible. He made a mistake and viewed inappropriate photos of children online, he knows he made a mistake and is getting help to make sure her doesn't do it again. I'm going to tell her I wanted to protect her for as long as possible and that's the only reason I didn't tell her sooner, that it's upsetting for me too so it's okay to be sad, that I will help her with her feelings and we will get through it together. I do think she will understand. But then I have to tell her he's due in court too and I don't know how that will go.
Thank you again
Thank you again
Anxious Mummy,
Would you be a happy to share what your partner was arrested for?
Mine has been charged with making (downloading) images. All CATS 150 CAT C, 40 CAT B, and then 20 CAT A.
He is due in court 5th for plea hearing.
Would you be a happy to share what your partner was arrested for?
Mine has been charged with making (downloading) images. All CATS 150 CAT C, 40 CAT B, and then 20 CAT A.
He is due in court 5th for plea hearing.