How to move on
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My experience in 'planet rock' is slightly different. My 14 year edin had previously been seen at children's court- out of character & 'a blip' they said . We were in pieces. But we rallied and moved on with ' social work' help of a year - approximately 4 visits to school to check on him . He's a good kid who got lost . We paid £180 every fortnight for 10 months for councilling . Thought we were safe . Then came knock no 2 . I was livid . Convinced they were wrong. But they weren't. He had images agin on his phone. This time he was 18 and a game changer as although he was under age at time of download was now getting tried as adult. I thought our world was breaking, my husband took to his bed so I had to deal with our daughter 16, and my son 18. Fast forward to September 2023, he's now done his SHPO for downloading images - he was groomed at 10-14 years of age and was looking for his own images , but ended up down the rabbit hole. Was self harming etc at the time. He has completed the social work moving forward course and did find it beneficial. But for me , now with him at 22 and reading the report where he states he was isolated At primary school and ostercised because he wasn't sporty, I'm devastated that I missed this . Could I have prevented this? We have had a nightmare 5 years, and have felt that I failed as a mother missing the self harming but now this !!! This is crippling me and have lost my mum suddenly who was my support at all times. Don't get me wrong my husband is a fantastic dad but wasn't there for me during this, he couldn't cope so I had no option . Really struggling just now
Can I be the first to give you a hug sadmum. My heart reaches out to you after reading your post, sounds as though you've had a really tough time.
You are NOT a failed mum, you are sticking by and supporting your son through thick and thin and believe me that takes sheer guts.
And oh isn't hindsight a wonderful thing. I'm sure on this journey the "what if's" flood in continually for us all. You say you never noticed your sons weaknesses - but we don't. That certainly is no reflection of you as a parent.
i can also emphasise with your husbands struggles, I think men cope very differently with their emotions - my hubby certainly does.
We can see the perhaps the difference in personality/vulnerabilities in a person - but we never think it will end up like this! I think it's a path we never even contemplate our menfolk (with or without vulnerabilities) will take, it's one hell of a bolt out the blue.
Please, my lovely, try not to be too hard on yourself.
You are NOT a failed mum, you are sticking by and supporting your son through thick and thin and believe me that takes sheer guts.
And oh isn't hindsight a wonderful thing. I'm sure on this journey the "what if's" flood in continually for us all. You say you never noticed your sons weaknesses - but we don't. That certainly is no reflection of you as a parent.
i can also emphasise with your husbands struggles, I think men cope very differently with their emotions - my hubby certainly does.
We can see the perhaps the difference in personality/vulnerabilities in a person - but we never think it will end up like this! I think it's a path we never even contemplate our menfolk (with or without vulnerabilities) will take, it's one hell of a bolt out the blue.
Please, my lovely, try not to be too hard on yourself.
Hi there, had to reply because a lot resonates with me. My son (18 at knock 17 at time of offence)was also self harming which I didnt know about until the knock. I knew he had problems in school but he never opened up to me, you tell yourself its hormones teenage angst and nothing out of the ordinary..until the knock.
My son was lucky(?) They did not find images on his devices and after 6 months a no further action decision was made.
My husband is a loving dad, but he didnt cope well with this. He was a wreck and most things fell on me to deal with. Ive done my best, my son has also had counselling and done the courses we monitor his internet use but I still live in dread of that second knock.
You sound like a brilliant mum you have stuck with him and he is luckier than he will ever know to have you. You(and me) have done nothing wrong and all the hours we lie awake thinking "what would I have done different" we dont really come up with anything do we? I think I have PTSD through all this and could do with some counselling myself
I wish you all the best going forward let us hope neither of us(or our sons) need to look back again.
My son was lucky(?) They did not find images on his devices and after 6 months a no further action decision was made.
My husband is a loving dad, but he didnt cope well with this. He was a wreck and most things fell on me to deal with. Ive done my best, my son has also had counselling and done the courses we monitor his internet use but I still live in dread of that second knock.
You sound like a brilliant mum you have stuck with him and he is luckier than he will ever know to have you. You(and me) have done nothing wrong and all the hours we lie awake thinking "what would I have done different" we dont really come up with anything do we? I think I have PTSD through all this and could do with some counselling myself
I wish you all the best going forward let us hope neither of us(or our sons) need to look back again.
You are definitely NOT a bad Mum. Your son, first and foremost, is a victim of grooming and should be treated as one, not as a criminal. The police should be tracking down his abusers. I keep reading these heartbreaking stories on this forum of young, vulnerable men and boys who have been groomed and are now being treated as criminals, while their poor Mums have to pick up the pieces and carry this huge burden.
Well said JulieM xx
Hugs to you all. So much resonates with each story. Still early days for us, but there seem to be a pattern with young people going down in this rabbit hole.
Smile, your posts give me strength, I know each one of us are struggling and coping in our own ways. Try to keep a brave face outside but our own mental health going down.
My husband has been dealing with it much better than me, there are days I go deep down thinking worst imagining worst about future.
the mornings are worst as I wake up with crippling fear and everyday try to speak to myself to take each day as it comes.
Endless search on all angles, trying to seek some answers. Social Media scares me..
The sex offender tag is so terrifying, mentally destabilising.
I don't know what but wish there were more alternate solutions.
Smile, your posts give me strength, I know each one of us are struggling and coping in our own ways. Try to keep a brave face outside but our own mental health going down.
My husband has been dealing with it much better than me, there are days I go deep down thinking worst imagining worst about future.
the mornings are worst as I wake up with crippling fear and everyday try to speak to myself to take each day as it comes.
Endless search on all angles, trying to seek some answers. Social Media scares me..
The sex offender tag is so terrifying, mentally destabilising.
I don't know what but wish there were more alternate solutions.