Family and Friends Forum

Three hours had passed. He had only gone out to get ingredients for paella. A celebration meal for me completing a uni course and getting a good mark. To me, he had disappeared off the face of the earth. I had started to panic; he wasn’t replying to my text messages and when I rang it was just going to voice mail. I started to ring his phone obsessively, thinking he had been injured, then thinking he won’t be able to reply if he is dead. Eventually a voice answered, a security guard at a supermarket. He told me my husband was ok, he wouldn’t let me speak with him as he didn’t wish to give his phone back, I asked can I speak to him on another number? The answer was no. They were waiting for the police to arrive to question him. Again, assured me he was safe.

I came off the phone, my mind was racing. Why would my husband steal groceries? We were not hard up for money, if we had been more sensible with it, we would be more than comfortable. I rang my brother to just let someone know – he is sensible, calm, nothing phases him. He said they can’t just not tell me what was going on. I agreed. I rang back and still was given no answers. Waiting for the police.

A couple of hours went by, more than enough to sort this ‘issue’ out. His phone was turned off. I rang the store and he was no longer there. Where was he? I went to the local police station – it was closed. I rang the phone outside for enquires, they confirmed he was in the next town at the custody suite awaiting to be interviewed. They said there was no point in going as it was unknown how long this would take – it was now Saturday evening.

I went home. With my thoughts. Confused, alone, upset and frustrated. I didn’t want to contact anyone else to worry them. My family live hundreds of miles away. I was embarrassed and didn’t want to explain to friends until I knew what was up.

I tidied the house, spoke to my dog. Fretted. The doorbell went at 9pm. The police, two officers with a warrant to collect evidence. They were lovely. Polite, respectful but there was such a silence to what they were doing it was unnerving. They went to the office. I didn’t follow but I soon realised they were collecting certain items – computer, old mobile phones…they showed me a detailed list of it and gave me a copy. They told me they couldn’t tell me anything about the offence. They imagined he wouldn’t be home tonight. They left at 10pm. I have no recollection of that night.

9am the next morning the doorbell went. Two detectives. They were polite, respectful and looked at me with sympathy. They said that they couldn’t tell me about the offence. They also mentioned that with the collection of items that I may have come to my own conclusions. I nodded and they didn’t confirm. I never asked outright as I couldn’t believe that was possible. They asked about his character – good. His work life – good. Stress? None. Any concerns? No. I have a wonderful husband, caring, helpful, positive, funny – I love him and he is my best friend. I can not imagine him doing anything to hurt anyone – I still can’t imagine it. He would be interviewed today and I should hear something later.

I updated my brother.

At midday the custody officer looking after him rang. He informed me my husband was caught on security cameras in a store taking videos and pictures of young girls and women. I freaked out. I knew he wasn’t lying to me but I couldn’t believe him. All I can remember saying (screaming?) is his career and my career was over. He assured me mine wasn’t. I thought, oh, just my life then.

My husband rang me an hour later. He sounded like a nervous little boy. Pathetic – that is what I could only view it as. He said he was having bad thoughts. He was waiting to be seen by someone from mental health support. He said sorry. I don’t remember anything else from the conversation. But the custody officer asked if I would accept him home and collect him. All his family are either dead or estranged. He has no ‘friend’ friends. I felt responsible for him. So, I did. They were also worried about him being a suicide risk – no pressure.

I was expecting to collect a monster from the custody suite. I had built him into a sinister, sly, nasty, evil monster. When he finally walked out, I could see it was ‘just’ my husband. He looked pale, dishevelled, tired and guilty with a bag of raw, warm fish in tow. He got in the car and we had a conversation which involved sorry a lot. I can’t remember details. Why did he do it? He didn’t know. It just wasn’t good enough. But I think I expected him to say that ‘I’ was the reason. I can be a right pain in the ass and I felt comfortable with blaming myself. I am not the most confident person.

When we got home he ran up-stairs – I figured to get changed, freshen up. He came downstairs 5 minutes later and told me he had something else to tell me. Now, when people say their blood runs cold, I thought it was just a saying but it is true. It is the most bizarre feeling and I realise that this is what pure fear feels like. A memory stick was missing. He usually hid this memory stick on the underside of a drawer. He had left it sitting on the shelf and it was gone. The police had taken it. What was on it? Pictures.

I rang the police. I told them I had just picked up my husband from custody, this is what he had told me, what do I do? They told me to let the police investigate – they will search the evidence and be in touch.

He was suspended from his job immediately. In October he attended magistrates. In December he was sentenced. 8 months with 2 years suspended sentence. 10 years on the register. He was fired from his job. He can no longer return to his profession. None of it was in the media – we both, including his probation officer have little idea why, something more exciting in court that day. Thank goodness it wasn’t.

I filed for divorce. I needed to but we are still together. Initially out of responsibility and my realisation that to make decisions that would cause such upheaval in my life when there was already so much would not be a good decision for me. I started to find my best friend again. I still love him. I am still angry with him, at times I tell him. At times we forget this happened. At times our reality is so heavy on our shoulders, it’s crushing but we are figuring it out.

What is cruel is when you think things are starting to get better and something happens which brings about so much instability it’s overwhelming. This happened nearly a year ago. The end of the month is our nightmare anniversary. I took two weeks off work at the beginning and apart from two weeks off in December due to shingles (from stress) I’ve held it together. I completed my top up for my degree and got a 1st. I have just got a new job. I stopped my antidepressants that I’d been on for 10 years in December, I thought feck it, I want to feel it and go through it properly (something I would never recommend for anyone. I was feeling slightly reckless). I’m still off them and doing ok in that way. I spend the odd day off in bed but who cares.

Sorry for the long read. And thanks for your time.

Hi Tracey,

Thank you. I'm glad for you it also stayed out of the media - the build up was stressful and I still feel worried about it at times. Our lives are definately different and I hope yours works out for you. x

I think a good shot of denial goes a long way. I was at counselling and she asked me if I can see him doing what he did and I can't. I know he did it but I can't imagine it. Maybe it's early days.

I didn't mention that some of the photographs he took were upskirts of young women. If he had been charged this year I am pretty sure he would have had a prison sentence.