Dad died, didn't know anything until I found his SHPO
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My dad had his devices removed in 2021- he told me he had been hacked and someone must have put things on his computer. I believed him because why wouldn't I? He said it was his devices under investigation, not him, and once they'd checked everything he'd have everything back in a few months because it wasn't him. I would mention it now and again "surely they must be done looking at your stuff now? Have you heard anything about getting it back?" and he would agree, say he hadn't heard anything, backlog etc.
6 weeks ago I was at his house when plain clothes officers came to the door. I wasn't going to let them in, he had a terminal illness and at this point was very unwell, but when I told him who it was he seemed very calm and told me it was fine, let them in. He said that when they'd checked his devices there has been "things found" but because they couldn't get a timestamp on when these things were created/found/whatever they decided they would come and check his devices whenever they felt like it. Again I had no reason to doubt him, and he willingly handed them his phone and showed them all his other devices. The officers asked me to leave and I asked dad if he wanted me to stay. He was insistent he was okay on his own and I eventually left giving my mobile number to the officers in case he became unwell.
He died last week and only yesterday did I start going through his paperwork etc and was shocked and disturbed by what I found. He had admitted guilt to his solicitor but attempted to lie about how many images there were. He had been sentenced earlier in the year to a suspended sentence with a requirement to notification.
I am experiencing so many different emotions. Disgust, grief, anger, sadness. On top of this, he SA'd me when I was 9 and my mother bullied and manipulated me into forgiving him and letting him back into our lives. I thought he'd changed and he was a better person. Obviously not. I feel immense guilt at this. I no longer have contact with my mother because of how she's treated me over the years. I want to scream at her and tell her this is her fault, she enabled him to do these things by using and manipulating me.
He has done this while I cared for him and looked after him. We lived on the same street, same surname, and he had no thoughts as to how this might have affected his daughters. We are known in our community and when he died so many people passed on their love and condolences. He was incredibly well liked.
I'm getting married soon and thinking about starting a family and it didn't enter my mind that he could be a threat to any potential children. I'm glad he's dead. My sister or any other family know nothing about this as far as I'm aware. I need to protect them from this knowledge. We are all shocked at his death and grieving while I am also secretly glad he's gone. My sisters partner works with children and I can't even begin to think what could happen if any of this got out.
My heart breaks for the children he watched. I feel so sick and disturbed and it's all I can think about. My fiance doesn't know anything, not even about the SA because I am so ashamed and I spent a lot of time blocking it out.
I don't know what to do. I'm going to destroy all the paperwork today as I don't want it to end up in the wrong hands or family/friends to see it. He still has computers etc - do I need to get in contact with the police in case they need to do anything with them? I was going to take his PC as it's better than mine but now I'm terrified to even switch it on to go through his personal effects.
6 weeks ago I was at his house when plain clothes officers came to the door. I wasn't going to let them in, he had a terminal illness and at this point was very unwell, but when I told him who it was he seemed very calm and told me it was fine, let them in. He said that when they'd checked his devices there has been "things found" but because they couldn't get a timestamp on when these things were created/found/whatever they decided they would come and check his devices whenever they felt like it. Again I had no reason to doubt him, and he willingly handed them his phone and showed them all his other devices. The officers asked me to leave and I asked dad if he wanted me to stay. He was insistent he was okay on his own and I eventually left giving my mobile number to the officers in case he became unwell.
He died last week and only yesterday did I start going through his paperwork etc and was shocked and disturbed by what I found. He had admitted guilt to his solicitor but attempted to lie about how many images there were. He had been sentenced earlier in the year to a suspended sentence with a requirement to notification.
I am experiencing so many different emotions. Disgust, grief, anger, sadness. On top of this, he SA'd me when I was 9 and my mother bullied and manipulated me into forgiving him and letting him back into our lives. I thought he'd changed and he was a better person. Obviously not. I feel immense guilt at this. I no longer have contact with my mother because of how she's treated me over the years. I want to scream at her and tell her this is her fault, she enabled him to do these things by using and manipulating me.
He has done this while I cared for him and looked after him. We lived on the same street, same surname, and he had no thoughts as to how this might have affected his daughters. We are known in our community and when he died so many people passed on their love and condolences. He was incredibly well liked.
I'm getting married soon and thinking about starting a family and it didn't enter my mind that he could be a threat to any potential children. I'm glad he's dead. My sister or any other family know nothing about this as far as I'm aware. I need to protect them from this knowledge. We are all shocked at his death and grieving while I am also secretly glad he's gone. My sisters partner works with children and I can't even begin to think what could happen if any of this got out.
My heart breaks for the children he watched. I feel so sick and disturbed and it's all I can think about. My fiance doesn't know anything, not even about the SA because I am so ashamed and I spent a lot of time blocking it out.
I don't know what to do. I'm going to destroy all the paperwork today as I don't want it to end up in the wrong hands or family/friends to see it. He still has computers etc - do I need to get in contact with the police in case they need to do anything with them? I was going to take his PC as it's better than mine but now I'm terrified to even switch it on to go through his personal effects.
Please reach out for help, there are lots of organisations who can support you as a victim.
I am so so sorry this has happened to you.
I would contact the police about his devices - it would be awful if they accused you of something if you end up using them.
The shock you must be feeling must be horrendous. Please accept a virtual hug xxx
I am so so sorry this has happened to you.
I would contact the police about his devices - it would be awful if they accused you of something if you end up using them.
The shock you must be feeling must be horrendous. Please accept a virtual hug xxx
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Hi - personally I would sort out the legal side. Discuss it with your partner, get his opinion on board, then decide whether to talk to the rest of the family, or let it rest with your dad.
bless you, sounds as though you've had a horrible time x
bless you, sounds as though you've had a horrible time x
Thank you all for the replies. Talking on here and hearing from people who understand my situation has helped incredibly.
After I first posted, I phoned the non emergency number and the number for the local station and I was on hold for ages. I ended up finding an officer's business card with a mobile number on so I called it and it turned out to be the DC who came to the house when I was there.
She was so extremely kind to me and I said how sorry I was if I was confrontational and obstructive, I was just trying to protect my dad and I had no idea of his crimes. She said she totally understood and would have been the same with her dad. She said she would put a note on his record to say he had passed and there would be no further visits or correspondence to his address. As for his devices, she told me that there was nothing on them when they visited and if it brought me any comfort she had downgraded his risk from high to medium as she was confident he was unlikely to reoffend. I am free to do whatever I wish with his belongings now but she advised doing a factory reset on everything regardless of what I planned to do, even if it was to be disposed of.
She had treated my dad with kindness and respect even though he maybe didn't deserve it and I am so glad of that. Even though I sometimes feel hatred and disgust at him and what he's done I am glad he didn't spend his last weeks feeling persecuted even though maybe he should have done.
I wish I could have talked with her for longer because I haven't been able to speak to anybody about this and she understood me and didn't judge my dad.
I am going to have to pluck up the strength to tell my partner but I know he's going to be crushed. He looked up to my dad as his own father passed away when he was a child and they had a difficult relationship. My dad adored him and when he went to speak to my dad about proposing he cried because he was so happy.
The SA is something I have had therapy for in the past and it doesn't really affect me now. I have accepted it for what it was and it is part of my life that I cannot go back and change. It was over 20 years ago and that's where I want to leave it. The way my mum handled it traumatised me more and my partner is aware of her behaviour and supports me in being no contact with her.
After I first posted, I phoned the non emergency number and the number for the local station and I was on hold for ages. I ended up finding an officer's business card with a mobile number on so I called it and it turned out to be the DC who came to the house when I was there.
She was so extremely kind to me and I said how sorry I was if I was confrontational and obstructive, I was just trying to protect my dad and I had no idea of his crimes. She said she totally understood and would have been the same with her dad. She said she would put a note on his record to say he had passed and there would be no further visits or correspondence to his address. As for his devices, she told me that there was nothing on them when they visited and if it brought me any comfort she had downgraded his risk from high to medium as she was confident he was unlikely to reoffend. I am free to do whatever I wish with his belongings now but she advised doing a factory reset on everything regardless of what I planned to do, even if it was to be disposed of.
She had treated my dad with kindness and respect even though he maybe didn't deserve it and I am so glad of that. Even though I sometimes feel hatred and disgust at him and what he's done I am glad he didn't spend his last weeks feeling persecuted even though maybe he should have done.
I wish I could have talked with her for longer because I haven't been able to speak to anybody about this and she understood me and didn't judge my dad.
I am going to have to pluck up the strength to tell my partner but I know he's going to be crushed. He looked up to my dad as his own father passed away when he was a child and they had a difficult relationship. My dad adored him and when he went to speak to my dad about proposing he cried because he was so happy.
The SA is something I have had therapy for in the past and it doesn't really affect me now. I have accepted it for what it was and it is part of my life that I cannot go back and change. It was over 20 years ago and that's where I want to leave it. The way my mum handled it traumatised me more and my partner is aware of her behaviour and supports me in being no contact with her.
Confused93, don't destroy the paperwork, or at least not yet - you might need this. I would pop it in a safe box and wait at least a few months, or ring his legal team and ask their advice.
I also agree with daffodil, keeping secrets from your fiance won't help you in the long term. I think you need to seek support from the helpline/counselling and being a little more open and honest about this will help you in the long term. I always think about that meme with all the plates against the cupboard door. If you open the door the plates will fall out and smash. But keeping the cupboard door closed with them inside means they're unusable anyway, so in effect they are smashed regardless. Better to open the door, clean everything up, and start with some new plates. Another analogy is can we really be truly happy and content if we're having to keep Pandora's box closed. Open the box and deal with what's within, and truer happiness can come. It's not as simple as that of course, but I do think your father's death might give you an opportunity to deal more openly with what's happened and move on.
If you're not telling people because you're worried about the impact on their work, please don't worry about that as it will not have any impact because they were not complicit or involved in the abuse in any way. I am a children's social worker and it's not had an impact on my work and I was living with my person.
Take care of you now, it's your turn
I also agree with daffodil, keeping secrets from your fiance won't help you in the long term. I think you need to seek support from the helpline/counselling and being a little more open and honest about this will help you in the long term. I always think about that meme with all the plates against the cupboard door. If you open the door the plates will fall out and smash. But keeping the cupboard door closed with them inside means they're unusable anyway, so in effect they are smashed regardless. Better to open the door, clean everything up, and start with some new plates. Another analogy is can we really be truly happy and content if we're having to keep Pandora's box closed. Open the box and deal with what's within, and truer happiness can come. It's not as simple as that of course, but I do think your father's death might give you an opportunity to deal more openly with what's happened and move on.
If you're not telling people because you're worried about the impact on their work, please don't worry about that as it will not have any impact because they were not complicit or involved in the abuse in any way. I am a children's social worker and it's not had an impact on my work and I was living with my person.
Take care of you now, it's your turn
So I spoke to my partner about what I'd found and he was amazing although I didn't expect anything otherwise. He reassured me my dad had been incredibly stupid, thoughtless, careless but it didn't define him and there was no point in torturing myself about it trying to find answers I will never get.
I feel like a weight has been lifted and we have agreed to let it rest with my dad. There's no value or benefit in digging around or taking it further with anyone else.
I feel like a weight has been lifted and we have agreed to let it rest with my dad. There's no value or benefit in digging around or taking it further with anyone else.