How to move on?
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Hi all,
another down day for me as my thoughts are constantly spiralling all over the place. So its been nearly 9 months since the knock and while I've had some positives, the longer this is going on, the harder its getting especially when looking to the future.
I've staied with my OH since the knock as I was only a few weeks pregnant when it happened, we've had a beautiful baby together and my OH has been an amazing support where he can and a loving father.
But at the same time I can't help the thoughts that come into my head like "he put you through this, it's his fault you had to move out of your own home, you'll be judged for the rest of your life because of him, does he have these thoughts about our own child?" so on and so on. At this moment in time I still don't know the entire truth, I've told him thousands of times I'd rather hear the truth from him rather than hearing that he's undeniably guilty from the police.
It's been so hard for me but now I feel like I'm at the mindset of if he is proven guilty after all this time of him telling me that he isn't then I'll be looking at leaving. I'm frightened because he's really all I've ever known, I was the kind of person no one ever showed any romantic interest in, unless it was for a joke, so my relationships with men unless completely plutonic or family have been very negative. It doesn't help that although yes he's been amazingly supportive for me and our child, he doesn't seem to do anything to prove his innocence, like even looking for a professional solicitor, yeah he had a duty solicitor when he was 1st taken in but no disrespect but the company is completely useless, even the police have said they have trouble relaying information to them, wouldn't suprise me if thats why why go to them. I know we don't have much money but surely if you were innocent of a crime you'd fight tooth and nail to prove it? My OH just seems to have the attitude of it'll all go away on its own, it's thoughts like this that have made me feel like if he isn't even willing to fight his corner, then maybe he really is guilty and he's been lying to me all this time.
I just don't know anything, I've looked at divorce before but have no idea how to proceed, I've pretty much accepted that my home is gone especially as it doesn't even feel like my home anymore as I've moved out since my baby was born as per his bail conditions. I currently live with my parents but even though I know I'm welcome, it isn't my house and there are days where I feel as if my child and I are in the way. I don't want to live in a council place (even if I ever got one) because again, it wouldn't feel like my home and I've seen some of the conditions of these places and while not all bad, I don't trust my local council at all with what I've been put through.
I've even had thoughts of in the event that this is plastered all over social media then I would quit all forms of social media, quit my job and even immigrate to a different country within GB. I've always been against preventing parents from seing their children, but because of this my life has been permenantly altered and my mindset will never be the same, especially about relationships. If my OH is proven to have lied to me, then I really don't know what else to do, and while I don't feel as if he'd ever do anything to our child, I'd never imagine him even looking at this stuff so as much as I want to trust him, I feel like I can't anymore.
sorry for being a downer, it feels like thats the only time I really post on here, but I don't feel safe talking to any of the proffessionals that I have to communicate with, has anyone else had thoughts like this or how they've managed to move on from their person? Thanks all x
another down day for me as my thoughts are constantly spiralling all over the place. So its been nearly 9 months since the knock and while I've had some positives, the longer this is going on, the harder its getting especially when looking to the future.
I've staied with my OH since the knock as I was only a few weeks pregnant when it happened, we've had a beautiful baby together and my OH has been an amazing support where he can and a loving father.
But at the same time I can't help the thoughts that come into my head like "he put you through this, it's his fault you had to move out of your own home, you'll be judged for the rest of your life because of him, does he have these thoughts about our own child?" so on and so on. At this moment in time I still don't know the entire truth, I've told him thousands of times I'd rather hear the truth from him rather than hearing that he's undeniably guilty from the police.
It's been so hard for me but now I feel like I'm at the mindset of if he is proven guilty after all this time of him telling me that he isn't then I'll be looking at leaving. I'm frightened because he's really all I've ever known, I was the kind of person no one ever showed any romantic interest in, unless it was for a joke, so my relationships with men unless completely plutonic or family have been very negative. It doesn't help that although yes he's been amazingly supportive for me and our child, he doesn't seem to do anything to prove his innocence, like even looking for a professional solicitor, yeah he had a duty solicitor when he was 1st taken in but no disrespect but the company is completely useless, even the police have said they have trouble relaying information to them, wouldn't suprise me if thats why why go to them. I know we don't have much money but surely if you were innocent of a crime you'd fight tooth and nail to prove it? My OH just seems to have the attitude of it'll all go away on its own, it's thoughts like this that have made me feel like if he isn't even willing to fight his corner, then maybe he really is guilty and he's been lying to me all this time.
I just don't know anything, I've looked at divorce before but have no idea how to proceed, I've pretty much accepted that my home is gone especially as it doesn't even feel like my home anymore as I've moved out since my baby was born as per his bail conditions. I currently live with my parents but even though I know I'm welcome, it isn't my house and there are days where I feel as if my child and I are in the way. I don't want to live in a council place (even if I ever got one) because again, it wouldn't feel like my home and I've seen some of the conditions of these places and while not all bad, I don't trust my local council at all with what I've been put through.
I've even had thoughts of in the event that this is plastered all over social media then I would quit all forms of social media, quit my job and even immigrate to a different country within GB. I've always been against preventing parents from seing their children, but because of this my life has been permenantly altered and my mindset will never be the same, especially about relationships. If my OH is proven to have lied to me, then I really don't know what else to do, and while I don't feel as if he'd ever do anything to our child, I'd never imagine him even looking at this stuff so as much as I want to trust him, I feel like I can't anymore.
sorry for being a downer, it feels like thats the only time I really post on here, but I don't feel safe talking to any of the proffessionals that I have to communicate with, has anyone else had thoughts like this or how they've managed to move on from their person? Thanks all x
Hi TryingtoKeepHope,
So much of what you've written and how you are feeling will resonate with most, if not all of us. You have a beautiful baby girl. You've gifted your parents with a precious granddaughter. Embrace that, if nothing else. We are in survival mode, taking one day at a time. At the moment that's all any of us can do until sentencing as we have no idea what the outcome will be.
I have broken up with my OH because he failed to tell me the truth of what he did. He played it down immensely. Made himself out to be the victim of police entrapment, etc, but I found out the partial truth at a meeting with his barrister just before he went in for his Crown Court plea hearing, and boy, I wasn't expecting the shocking truth that my (now ex) OH failed to tell me. Don't be surprised if what comes out in court, (or if his barrister reads out the CPS evidence) is vastly diffferent to what your OH has told you.
Lots of the men appear to be in denial. Mine was for almost a year as there was little contact with the police while they were waiting to retieve the evidence off of his devices. He actually thought it was going to be thrown out...no further action.
Perhaps having a heart to heart with your folks about how you're feeling living there under their roof might ease your concerns?
I'm also thinking about relocating. Starting afresh away from here. My ex is moving out next weekend which is a relief because if the media aired this, I really didn't want our home to be broadcast. We live in a tiny hamlet without many houses.
You're going to have crappy days. We all do. Don't be too hard on yourself. The important thing is to keep building that bond with your daughter, and allow yourself to get lost in the joys of motherhood. Every tiny little detail. Focus on the important things, like your little girl, and start easing yourself away from the horrible situation you didn't create.
Do you want this man in your life? If not, keep moving away emotionally and mentally from him at your own pace. It's hard. I'm in the middle of doing it, and I feel like my heart is ripping apart, but I will survive this. You will survive this, and we'll be stronger women for it.
So much of what you've written and how you are feeling will resonate with most, if not all of us. You have a beautiful baby girl. You've gifted your parents with a precious granddaughter. Embrace that, if nothing else. We are in survival mode, taking one day at a time. At the moment that's all any of us can do until sentencing as we have no idea what the outcome will be.
I have broken up with my OH because he failed to tell me the truth of what he did. He played it down immensely. Made himself out to be the victim of police entrapment, etc, but I found out the partial truth at a meeting with his barrister just before he went in for his Crown Court plea hearing, and boy, I wasn't expecting the shocking truth that my (now ex) OH failed to tell me. Don't be surprised if what comes out in court, (or if his barrister reads out the CPS evidence) is vastly diffferent to what your OH has told you.
Lots of the men appear to be in denial. Mine was for almost a year as there was little contact with the police while they were waiting to retieve the evidence off of his devices. He actually thought it was going to be thrown out...no further action.
Perhaps having a heart to heart with your folks about how you're feeling living there under their roof might ease your concerns?
I'm also thinking about relocating. Starting afresh away from here. My ex is moving out next weekend which is a relief because if the media aired this, I really didn't want our home to be broadcast. We live in a tiny hamlet without many houses.
You're going to have crappy days. We all do. Don't be too hard on yourself. The important thing is to keep building that bond with your daughter, and allow yourself to get lost in the joys of motherhood. Every tiny little detail. Focus on the important things, like your little girl, and start easing yourself away from the horrible situation you didn't create.
Do you want this man in your life? If not, keep moving away emotionally and mentally from him at your own pace. It's hard. I'm in the middle of doing it, and I feel like my heart is ripping apart, but I will survive this. You will survive this, and we'll be stronger women for it.
If you dont mind me asking why have you moved out and not your OH? Would living in your own home make you feel better?
TryingToKeepHope
So much of what you posted was familiar to me with the exception of having a young baby. My partner also seems to have his head in the sand about this, we are 3 years in and I have had to prod him into getter a better solicitor, prod him to contact the solicitor to see how things are goinv etc etc. I agree with you, if it were me I would be fighting like mad to prove my innocence, if that's what I thought I was. However it may be the way they deal with this, by compartmentaliseing things. He certainly did that when he was viewing adult porn without my knowledge!
have seen the police cyber report so I hope there will be no horrible surprises for me on top of that
II also find the thought of splitting up overwhelming, but I'm not there yet, and I'm taking the view that if I get to that point, I will just have to take the process one step at a time just like I have up til now. It's agonising, but it is what it is.
Housing options are complicated. It will always be more expensive living separately than together but you will find a way, if you have to. In the meantime, try not to think about it until you are sure that's what you want to do. I've found worrying over things that may or may not happen takes a lot of my energy
So much of what you posted was familiar to me with the exception of having a young baby. My partner also seems to have his head in the sand about this, we are 3 years in and I have had to prod him into getter a better solicitor, prod him to contact the solicitor to see how things are goinv etc etc. I agree with you, if it were me I would be fighting like mad to prove my innocence, if that's what I thought I was. However it may be the way they deal with this, by compartmentaliseing things. He certainly did that when he was viewing adult porn without my knowledge!
have seen the police cyber report so I hope there will be no horrible surprises for me on top of that
II also find the thought of splitting up overwhelming, but I'm not there yet, and I'm taking the view that if I get to that point, I will just have to take the process one step at a time just like I have up til now. It's agonising, but it is what it is.
Housing options are complicated. It will always be more expensive living separately than together but you will find a way, if you have to. In the meantime, try not to think about it until you are sure that's what you want to do. I've found worrying over things that may or may not happen takes a lot of my energy
Thanks all for the replies,
And Webb89 originally it was going to be the other way round, my OH move out and live with my parents as his family lives on the other side of the country but I'm a 1st time mum with a new baby so having support in that way was amazing but sometimes it can feel a little overwhelming and I'd just like to be in my own space again.
Thing is it's so hard to know what I want to do, I love my OH, we've been together since I was a teen and married for several years and he's been so supportive throughout my pregnancy and raising our child it makes the decision so much harder. I couldn't care less if he watched adult porn but hearing this especially as we've finally managed to have a baby after years of trying has really shattered my mind and has really shaken up how I feel about him, part of me still loves and wants to be with him, the other just doesn't know if I can trust him so how could I stay.
I dont know the full extent but all the police keep telling me is that its a range of all 3 categories and a lot of it, they won't give me an idea just keep saying it's a lot. So in my head he's going to prison no matter how good of a solicitor we get. Guilty or not I just don't think he realises how serious it is and is living in denial in the hopes that it'll just go away.
Plus SS have been no help whatsoever, I personally feel pressured into leaving as I feel like because I've made the choice to stay for now, they view me just as guilty. So I forever feel like I'm walking on eggshells with whatever I do or say with them. But I know if I was given the dilemma of my OH or child, my child would always come first x
And Webb89 originally it was going to be the other way round, my OH move out and live with my parents as his family lives on the other side of the country but I'm a 1st time mum with a new baby so having support in that way was amazing but sometimes it can feel a little overwhelming and I'd just like to be in my own space again.
Thing is it's so hard to know what I want to do, I love my OH, we've been together since I was a teen and married for several years and he's been so supportive throughout my pregnancy and raising our child it makes the decision so much harder. I couldn't care less if he watched adult porn but hearing this especially as we've finally managed to have a baby after years of trying has really shattered my mind and has really shaken up how I feel about him, part of me still loves and wants to be with him, the other just doesn't know if I can trust him so how could I stay.
I dont know the full extent but all the police keep telling me is that its a range of all 3 categories and a lot of it, they won't give me an idea just keep saying it's a lot. So in my head he's going to prison no matter how good of a solicitor we get. Guilty or not I just don't think he realises how serious it is and is living in denial in the hopes that it'll just go away.
Plus SS have been no help whatsoever, I personally feel pressured into leaving as I feel like because I've made the choice to stay for now, they view me just as guilty. So I forever feel like I'm walking on eggshells with whatever I do or say with them. But I know if I was given the dilemma of my OH or child, my child would always come first x
You are not alone. I still love my OH but hate what he has done. When i think about his crime I then hate him and dont want to be with him. But when we spend time together it is like it always was. We still get on. I am at a loss what to do. We are over a year post sentencing.