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Hi,
I'm so conflicted and devastated. 6 weeks ago I was happily married to someone for more than 3 decades. Someone who has always been devoted to our family and supported me through a serious health issue - he looked after me and our child. Then the police came through our door and I discovered his double life. He had been downloading images. I'm so conflicted. I have loved him for most of my life and trusted him completely. I'm broken. He is not allowed to live with us but he comes over everyday. I've spent most of my career working with children who have been traumatised. Of all the crimes to commit he has picked this one. He wants us to stay together. I'm conflicted. How can I be with someone who has done this and how can I leave someone I have loved forever. I'm looking at selling our house and moving. I'm worried about the impact on our child who has already had to deal with my illness. I'm worried about the impact on my work as it's the means by which I can support our child. I feel lost so any words of wisdom will be most welcome.
I'm so conflicted and devastated. 6 weeks ago I was happily married to someone for more than 3 decades. Someone who has always been devoted to our family and supported me through a serious health issue - he looked after me and our child. Then the police came through our door and I discovered his double life. He had been downloading images. I'm so conflicted. I have loved him for most of my life and trusted him completely. I'm broken. He is not allowed to live with us but he comes over everyday. I've spent most of my career working with children who have been traumatised. Of all the crimes to commit he has picked this one. He wants us to stay together. I'm conflicted. How can I be with someone who has done this and how can I leave someone I have loved forever. I'm looking at selling our house and moving. I'm worried about the impact on our child who has already had to deal with my illness. I'm worried about the impact on my work as it's the means by which I can support our child. I feel lost so any words of wisdom will be most welcome.
My heart breaks for you reading this but you have come to the right place for support and advice. There are many of us walking this road with you, some of us are ahead and through the other side of the horrendous journey.
You will still be in shock and you need time to process everything, the police investigation won't be quick and until they proceed to charges (as presumably they have taken devices to investigate?) Then you won't know what exactly he is being charged with.
Try and get counselling whether it's through LFF, Circle's or any of the others that support our plight. I don't have children so I will let the mums on here give advice to you on supporting your child. Just know that you aren't alone and we are here ??
You will still be in shock and you need time to process everything, the police investigation won't be quick and until they proceed to charges (as presumably they have taken devices to investigate?) Then you won't know what exactly he is being charged with.
Try and get counselling whether it's through LFF, Circle's or any of the others that support our plight. I don't have children so I will let the mums on here give advice to you on supporting your child. Just know that you aren't alone and we are here ??
Thank you for your kind words. Today is a bit of a low day which I suppose is unsurprising. I've been getting support from LFF. I'm just getting back to work from long term sick leave which is stressful enough in its self. It's just a lot to process - all the fallout of this crime! I'm hoping that the police investigation takes ages to just give me enough time to prepare for the next level of fallout.
Hi Hycinth, having read your post I really wanted to reach out to you to let you know there are many of us walking this awful journey with you.
The early weeks are simply horrendous. If you're anything like me, you won't be able to think of anything else and your mind will be racing with all sorts of thoughts, feelings, emotions and fears. This is normal. You've been through a traumatic event and its going to take time for you to be able to start processing everything that's happened.
if you haven't already done so, you might want to contact your GP to ask for some support. I'd also recommend contacting Talking Forward who offer a peer support groups.
In my case it is my son who is the offender so I can only imagine how awful the conflict of whether to stay with your husband or not must be. The journey you are now on is a long one so take your time, there is no rush to make any hasty decisions and you may find you change your mind multiple times through the coming months.
The early weeks are simply horrendous. If you're anything like me, you won't be able to think of anything else and your mind will be racing with all sorts of thoughts, feelings, emotions and fears. This is normal. You've been through a traumatic event and its going to take time for you to be able to start processing everything that's happened.
if you haven't already done so, you might want to contact your GP to ask for some support. I'd also recommend contacting Talking Forward who offer a peer support groups.
In my case it is my son who is the offender so I can only imagine how awful the conflict of whether to stay with your husband or not must be. The journey you are now on is a long one so take your time, there is no rush to make any hasty decisions and you may find you change your mind multiple times through the coming months.
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Thank you everyone. You are all right. It's so raw still. I want him to explain himself but I'm not sure if he is fully aware of why he has done this. So I want him to do the therapeutic work first so that he can fully explain how we've gotten to the point of him having blown up our lives like this. I'm considering antidepressants partly I'm wondering how long to wait as its early days and how I'm feeling is a natural reaction to everything I've lost and I'm in the process of loosing. However it's a long road ahead and I'm going to need to be strong for this journey. At the very least I need to protect my son and preserve as much of his childhood that I can. I survived nearly dying last year for this battle but i am grateful as i feel a sense of horror at the thought of what would happen to my child if I hadn't survived. So I'm deeply grateful for that.
I'm grateful for your support.
I'm grateful for your support.
I read your post and felt compelled to respond.
I'm a year and 3 months into this horrific journey and unfortunately it doesn't get any easier, however what I have found is this forum is such a lifeline so if you ever need advice or to vent please use this safe space.
I have never felt judged and the advice/support of everyone on here has been immeasurable and this journey has felt alot less lonely.
Your clearly a fighter, however just take one day at a time xxx
I'm a year and 3 months into this horrific journey and unfortunately it doesn't get any easier, however what I have found is this forum is such a lifeline so if you ever need advice or to vent please use this safe space.
I have never felt judged and the advice/support of everyone on here has been immeasurable and this journey has felt alot less lonely.
Your clearly a fighter, however just take one day at a time xxx
Hi Hycinth
The shock and pain and disbelief are overwhelming and it is early days.
I'm 5 years and 4 months later.
I just wanted to say I don't feel you ever get enough of an explanation as to why he didn't tell you a bomb was going to go off . . . and both of us have had extensive therapy . . . so while I'm much much better informed about this topic . . I think life changes forever and the explanation for the damage to you and your child never quite feels adequate.
I have tried just not to make the bomb crater bigger myself . . . but there isn't a map or any clear path.
sending all best wishes xx
The shock and pain and disbelief are overwhelming and it is early days.
I'm 5 years and 4 months later.
I just wanted to say I don't feel you ever get enough of an explanation as to why he didn't tell you a bomb was going to go off . . . and both of us have had extensive therapy . . . so while I'm much much better informed about this topic . . I think life changes forever and the explanation for the damage to you and your child never quite feels adequate.
I have tried just not to make the bomb crater bigger myself . . . but there isn't a map or any clear path.
sending all best wishes xx
Thanks Natt and Anoushka
I still feel a great sense of disbelief that I'm living this and then a great sense of loss. I'm looking at putting our house on the market next year. But it's mostly about the loss of our family and for my son who can no longer have his father watch him at various sporting matches at school, etc. Right now im hiding behind the bail conditions. I'm giving myself time to decide whether or not I stay in the relationship but a big part of it is that I'll loose my family if I stay. I'll support him no matter whether I choose to stay or go. So I am considering antidepressants as the road will be long one.
I suppose you are right Anoushka - there will never be an explanation that could satisfy.
Thank you for the support.
I still feel a great sense of disbelief that I'm living this and then a great sense of loss. I'm looking at putting our house on the market next year. But it's mostly about the loss of our family and for my son who can no longer have his father watch him at various sporting matches at school, etc. Right now im hiding behind the bail conditions. I'm giving myself time to decide whether or not I stay in the relationship but a big part of it is that I'll loose my family if I stay. I'll support him no matter whether I choose to stay or go. So I am considering antidepressants as the road will be long one.
I suppose you are right Anoushka - there will never be an explanation that could satisfy.
Thank you for the support.