Love of my life is going to prison for a long time…
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I don't even know how to begin this, it's so incredibly painful for me but being able to write it down and actually tell people how I truly feel is giving me some relief. The man I have loved for two years, my fiancé, was arrested five months ago for a handful of shocking and disturbing charges (sexual contact with a minor and cp charges amongst those). My whole world was turned upside down and in a heartbeat he was taken from me, just gone. I discovered over the next few weeks who he truly was and the things he had done behind my back. Long story short, the whole town has found out and everyone we know wants him dead for it, cut him off completely. I wanted to as well at first, feeling utterly betrayed and disgusted by his actions, but this was still the man I loved and even though he'd hurt me so much, I couldn't turn my back on him and leave him to rot, alone. I can still see the man he was, the man I know he can still be and without me he truly has nothing. So I've stood by him, secretly, I've visited him once a month, sent him money to call every day and eat, write him letters, give him all the love and support I can give. But I am exhausted, I am alone entirely. I can't speak to anyone, I have to hide it from my friends, my family, my work, my therapist... I have no one in the world and I can't do it anymore. After every visit a part of me dies and I have no one to cry to or tell. I don't know what to do. Everyone despises him, I feel like I'm playing both sides (which he knows as it's to protect myself as I'd lose everything) and pretending I hate him too and want him to suffer. It's draining, listening to them tear him down and if they knew what I was doing, that I was standing by him and planning a life together after his sentence (which could be up to 15 years and that's another thing I'm unable to cope with), they would feel as betrayed and heartbroken as I did, disgusted by me instead.
I don't know what to do anymore and I'm so, so alone. I have no one. Please help in any way you can, even hearing similar stories makes me feel a little less alone.
I don't know what to do anymore and I'm so, so alone. I have no one. Please help in any way you can, even hearing similar stories makes me feel a little less alone.
Oh gosh, this is so hard for you. I am so sorry to read your predicament.
it may be an idea to contact stopso for a therapist. They specialise in this area, and at least this will mean you don't have to hide anything from them??
I will also recommend "the world according to the knock"; there is a podcast and lots of resources on their site that may be able to help
x
it may be an idea to contact stopso for a therapist. They specialise in this area, and at least this will mean you don't have to hide anything from them??
I will also recommend "the world according to the knock"; there is a podcast and lots of resources on their site that may be able to help
x
I am so sorry to read your post. My heart goes out to you and I want to reassure you that you've come to the right place to get support and guidance.
You are not alone. Although we are all at different stages of the journey and have all had our own unique experiences, we are all here to support each other. You might want to think about posting in the discussion and support category as more people read the posts there.
If you haven't already done so, you might want to consider talking to your GP, contacting the stop it now help line or joining a peer support group like talking forward.
My story is different to yours in that it is my son who offended but I know how awful those early weeks and months are. I can only begin to imagine how difficult it must be for you trying to get through each day without any support. You've taken a step forward in reaching out on here and you are no longer alone.
You are not alone. Although we are all at different stages of the journey and have all had our own unique experiences, we are all here to support each other. You might want to think about posting in the discussion and support category as more people read the posts there.
If you haven't already done so, you might want to consider talking to your GP, contacting the stop it now help line or joining a peer support group like talking forward.
My story is different to yours in that it is my son who offended but I know how awful those early weeks and months are. I can only begin to imagine how difficult it must be for you trying to get through each day without any support. You've taken a step forward in reaching out on here and you are no longer alone.
Can anyone help if my oh were to get cation for iioc I think it's 2 years sor will he have a probation officer that the has to see Regularly aswell ?
Molly-Dog
A caution is fairly unlkely, although it depends on the circumstances of the offence.
If he did get a caution, then so far as I'm aware there is no involvement with probation at all, but he would still be on the SOR and he would be visited by the police on a regular basis for the next two years.
A caution is fairly unlkely, although it depends on the circumstances of the offence.
If he did get a caution, then so far as I'm aware there is no involvement with probation at all, but he would still be on the SOR and he would be visited by the police on a regular basis for the next two years.
Lonelysalem
has he actually been sentenced yet or is he on remand?
has he actually been sentenced yet or is he on remand?
He is Rui they found one cat c and a cartoon image the arresting officer said he may just be cautioned. I know this involves 2 yr on sor just wasn't sure about probation . I just hope when they delve deeper into tablet they took there's nothing else to find
I am so sorry you're going through this, Lonelysalem.
My situation is a fraction of a millionth as difficult as yours, but has some similarities.
My sisters and I cut off contact with my dad after his conviction for CSAM. I've re-established contact, but keep it secret from my sisters. If they knew, they'd be sad and feel betrayed. It hurts to keep the secret, because we're very close and normally tell each other everything.
Sometimes I feel like a fraud when I am chatting with a friend and I mention something about my dad. He did and said many interesting things, and I have lots of stories about him that are relevant to random conversations. Then the other person says "wow it must have been so cool having him as a dad". And then I feel like I'm deceiving them, because it really was not cool having him as a dad; it was hellish.
First things first: look after yourself. Most importantly, tell your therapist. With friends, colleagues and family we always have to factor in how what we tell them will make them feel, both in themselves and about us. With therapists that's not a factor at all. Every therapist has another therapist as their support (as part of their job), who they can talk to in confidence about their feelings regarding things they've heard. My sister is a therapist, and she's a very sensitive soul in general. She used to work in a high-security prison, so she heard dreadful things. She leaned on her assigned colleague, and carried on with things.
Every human being has had something horrible happen to them, and almost every human being has done something bad. Therapists get to hear it all. It's just part of the job. When they've had too much of it, they go for a different job (often training upcoming therapists).
Secondly: share the burden of supporting your OH. I understand that "I'm all he's got" feeling, because I'm all my dad's got, and he had no contact at all with close family until I reestablished contact. But you have to protect yourself. Give, but don't give too much. In your case, you might feel under less strain if OH has others to visit him. There are 2 good sources for this.
Official Prison Visitors are volunteers who go and visit prisoners for unconditional chats about whatever the prisoner wants to chat about. The prison chaplaincy manages the prison's OPVs and will assign them to a prisoner based on who they think needs an OPV. You or OH can contact the prison chaplains about this.
Every prisoner can have access to prison chaplains. Although the chaplains' brief is to tend to the spiritual welfare of prisoners, a prisoner does not need to be religious or even slightly interested in religion to see them. Two friends of mine are Buddhist prison chaplains, they go and see whoever has asked to see one of them. Religion isn't mentioned in their chats unless the prisoner wants it to be.
Official Prison Visitors are volunteers who go and visit prisoners for unconditional chats about whatever the prisoner wants to chat about. The prison chaplaincy manages the prison's OPVs and will assign them to a prisoner based on which prisoner has a need and which visitor might be a good fit.
You’ve also got the wonderful women here. Lean on us. This thread could be an ongoing dialogue where you report in and we talk things out. My direct messages are also open.
We will get through this!
My situation is a fraction of a millionth as difficult as yours, but has some similarities.
My sisters and I cut off contact with my dad after his conviction for CSAM. I've re-established contact, but keep it secret from my sisters. If they knew, they'd be sad and feel betrayed. It hurts to keep the secret, because we're very close and normally tell each other everything.
Sometimes I feel like a fraud when I am chatting with a friend and I mention something about my dad. He did and said many interesting things, and I have lots of stories about him that are relevant to random conversations. Then the other person says "wow it must have been so cool having him as a dad". And then I feel like I'm deceiving them, because it really was not cool having him as a dad; it was hellish.
First things first: look after yourself. Most importantly, tell your therapist. With friends, colleagues and family we always have to factor in how what we tell them will make them feel, both in themselves and about us. With therapists that's not a factor at all. Every therapist has another therapist as their support (as part of their job), who they can talk to in confidence about their feelings regarding things they've heard. My sister is a therapist, and she's a very sensitive soul in general. She used to work in a high-security prison, so she heard dreadful things. She leaned on her assigned colleague, and carried on with things.
Every human being has had something horrible happen to them, and almost every human being has done something bad. Therapists get to hear it all. It's just part of the job. When they've had too much of it, they go for a different job (often training upcoming therapists).
Secondly: share the burden of supporting your OH. I understand that "I'm all he's got" feeling, because I'm all my dad's got, and he had no contact at all with close family until I reestablished contact. But you have to protect yourself. Give, but don't give too much. In your case, you might feel under less strain if OH has others to visit him. There are 2 good sources for this.
Official Prison Visitors are volunteers who go and visit prisoners for unconditional chats about whatever the prisoner wants to chat about. The prison chaplaincy manages the prison's OPVs and will assign them to a prisoner based on who they think needs an OPV. You or OH can contact the prison chaplains about this.
Every prisoner can have access to prison chaplains. Although the chaplains' brief is to tend to the spiritual welfare of prisoners, a prisoner does not need to be religious or even slightly interested in religion to see them. Two friends of mine are Buddhist prison chaplains, they go and see whoever has asked to see one of them. Religion isn't mentioned in their chats unless the prisoner wants it to be.
Official Prison Visitors are volunteers who go and visit prisoners for unconditional chats about whatever the prisoner wants to chat about. The prison chaplaincy manages the prison's OPVs and will assign them to a prisoner based on which prisoner has a need and which visitor might be a good fit.
You’ve also got the wonderful women here. Lean on us. This thread could be an ongoing dialogue where you report in and we talk things out. My direct messages are also open.
We will get through this!
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