Telling the children
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Hi. I'm new to this. The knock came this morning. I'm still numb. Don't know what to think. I just don't know what to say to the children (11&13). Need to tell them why he's not coming home. Need to tell them at some point that SS will talk to them. What will they (SS) say? Can I prevent the children from knowing the truth for now? I've made up something for now but things will come out.
I just feel so completely sick. I don't know what I think, feel, believe. He said it was porn addiction that got out of hand. I'm so completely lost and can't think about the future, it's just too much. I just need to know how to get through today.
I just feel so completely sick. I don't know what I think, feel, believe. He said it was porn addiction that got out of hand. I'm so completely lost and can't think about the future, it's just too much. I just need to know how to get through today.
Hi Yellow. My heart goes out to you. I can't help you re telling the children, mine are adult and that was bad enough. Phone the helpline, they give good advice especially in the early days. You might have to wait on hold to get through but it's worth the wait. See your gp urgently. The shock you feel now will eventually feel less acute. Many women on this forum are in a very similar situation to you and will reply. Possibly re-post on the Discussion and Support section and it will be seen more quickly.
Hi Yellow21, I am so sorry that this happened to you.
Our children are still very small, so I didn't have to tell them.
Our knock happened 15 months ago.
During those first days/weeks you will feel very vulnerable.
Make sure you eat/drink enough and catch up on sleep when you can.
Work together with SS and never say that you don't believe your husband is a risk.
Don't let anyone push you around or disrespect you though. You haven't done anything wrong and you deserve to be treated with compassion and respect.
All the best xx
Our children are still very small, so I didn't have to tell them.
Our knock happened 15 months ago.
During those first days/weeks you will feel very vulnerable.
Make sure you eat/drink enough and catch up on sleep when you can.
Work together with SS and never say that you don't believe your husband is a risk.
Don't let anyone push you around or disrespect you though. You haven't done anything wrong and you deserve to be treated with compassion and respect.
All the best xx
Thank you both. @hpl why do you say don't tell them I don't think he's a risk? Is it because they'll see it as me minimising it?
Hi,I'm really sorry your going through this. My ex husband was arrested 9 weeks ago and I am still yet to tell our daughter what is going on. Iv told her that her dad has been drinking too much(she's 10 nearly 11) but I know I can't keep lying to her. She's had no contact other than on the phone with him but I'm still so unsure what to tell her.
Mine were 12 and 15 when their dad was arrested. He was arrested at work so, fortunately, they didn't have to see that but it was the school holidays so they were at home when the police came to our house to search it and talk to me about why they'd arrested him. As they'd taken the main PC that my 15-year-old used, I needed to tell them the truth about what was going on - but in a way that made sense to them. We're over a year on, and I don't think they really took it in at the time, nor further conversations we had after sentencing - which became apparent when we had further conversations with SS this summer. Keeping it simple and factual would be my advice. Children Seen and Heard might have some good advice. It's a very confusing time for them. Keeping calm and being present for them will help.
@Yellow21 That's correct, if you say you don't think he's a risk, they will see you as naive and not protective of your children. They will then place harder restrictions on your family.
I've also posted this reply to your other post in the 'Discussion' area:
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Hi, we're here for you. Once you've had time and headspace (not easy) you may also want to reach out to people in similar situations via the direct messaging function.
The following will seem A LOT, but when this happened to me 18 months ago, I couldn't even breathe or speak properly for a long time, so all credit to you for reaching out so soon.
First up, you will be OK. You will.
There is no right option, and you will come to find that much of the choice and control over your life has been removed. This is a situation (grief event) like no other. Don't feel rushed - nothing will be resolved quickly and your feelings are likely to change daily (hourly!).
My kids were exactly the same age as yours. We're approaching 18 months in. Their dad is in prison.
You are likely to go through a fast and steep learning curve. While that happens, I'd suggest telling as few people as possible. As much as we wish they wouldn't, they wiill judge.
I quickly came to realise that lies breed lies. I am now a liar to mitigate the impact of someone else's activities. I have had to coach my kids to lie to protect themselves. It's an unfathomable hell.
My approach (and it's seems to be working so far) was to always be honest with the kids, but with a limited/age-appropriate version of the truth. Their dad and I also agreed that we would tell them together. So, the line we took was that dad has done wrong and has to bear the consequences. Neither I (mum) nor you (kids) have done anything wrong. Dad didn't follow the online safety rules. He was talking online to people he didn't know in real life, they were talking about rude and inappropriate things, and that included looking at naked pictures/talking about s*xual things relating to people under 18 years old. That's illegal and it's the police's job to check what he's done and make sure everyone is safe. Dad has done very wrong things and is sorry (he needs to say the last bit - a lot!)
Social services will be part of your life. I told them very clearly under no circumstances were they to discuss with my children what their dad was accused of/had done. I would decide what they would be told, when and how. SS are not sympathetic to us. In their eyes we are by default not protective, miminise the offences, are sympathisers and complicit. Yeah, that prejudice really helps when we're trying to comprehend the incomprehensible...
In regards to SS speaking to the kids, the inital suggestion was that this be at school, without me present. My response - NO WAY!!! The first meeting was in our home, in my presence. I explained to the kids that SS are not police, but they work with the police and schools to make sure that children are safe and happy. Becuase of the bad decisions dad has made, they need to make sure we're OK. (Perhaps start researching the concept of 'family safety plans').
Buckle up, you have a bumpy ride ahead - but you know what, you WILL all be OK. This is shit, but people go through far worse. Life is different on the other side. But it's still life. Useful support and resources are 'Acts Fast', 'Safer Lives', 'Circles', 'Talking Forward' and LFF. You have been horribly let down, but you are not alone.
______
Hi, we're here for you. Once you've had time and headspace (not easy) you may also want to reach out to people in similar situations via the direct messaging function.
The following will seem A LOT, but when this happened to me 18 months ago, I couldn't even breathe or speak properly for a long time, so all credit to you for reaching out so soon.
First up, you will be OK. You will.
There is no right option, and you will come to find that much of the choice and control over your life has been removed. This is a situation (grief event) like no other. Don't feel rushed - nothing will be resolved quickly and your feelings are likely to change daily (hourly!).
My kids were exactly the same age as yours. We're approaching 18 months in. Their dad is in prison.
You are likely to go through a fast and steep learning curve. While that happens, I'd suggest telling as few people as possible. As much as we wish they wouldn't, they wiill judge.
I quickly came to realise that lies breed lies. I am now a liar to mitigate the impact of someone else's activities. I have had to coach my kids to lie to protect themselves. It's an unfathomable hell.
My approach (and it's seems to be working so far) was to always be honest with the kids, but with a limited/age-appropriate version of the truth. Their dad and I also agreed that we would tell them together. So, the line we took was that dad has done wrong and has to bear the consequences. Neither I (mum) nor you (kids) have done anything wrong. Dad didn't follow the online safety rules. He was talking online to people he didn't know in real life, they were talking about rude and inappropriate things, and that included looking at naked pictures/talking about s*xual things relating to people under 18 years old. That's illegal and it's the police's job to check what he's done and make sure everyone is safe. Dad has done very wrong things and is sorry (he needs to say the last bit - a lot!)
Social services will be part of your life. I told them very clearly under no circumstances were they to discuss with my children what their dad was accused of/had done. I would decide what they would be told, when and how. SS are not sympathetic to us. In their eyes we are by default not protective, miminise the offences, are sympathisers and complicit. Yeah, that prejudice really helps when we're trying to comprehend the incomprehensible...
In regards to SS speaking to the kids, the inital suggestion was that this be at school, without me present. My response - NO WAY!!! The first meeting was in our home, in my presence. I explained to the kids that SS are not police, but they work with the police and schools to make sure that children are safe and happy. Becuase of the bad decisions dad has made, they need to make sure we're OK. (Perhaps start researching the concept of 'family safety plans').
Buckle up, you have a bumpy ride ahead - but you know what, you WILL all be OK. This is shit, but people go through far worse. Life is different on the other side. But it's still life. Useful support and resources are 'Acts Fast', 'Safer Lives', 'Circles', 'Talking Forward' and LFF. You have been horribly let down, but you are not alone.
Hello Yellow21,
I'm so sorry this has happened to you! It is devastating and so very very raw for you.
I haven't read the other replies so forgive me if I'm repeating anything.
So the knock came in 2019 for me. My daughter was 9 and I panicked at what to tell her when I was told the children (also 2-year-old boy) couldn't see their dad for six weeks. I came up with a lie too. I was advised by many different people, this forum, the LFF helpline and all said to be as honest as possible. I could bare telling her but I so wish I did. As children fill in the gaps themselves they know when their parents are lying or holding back. Fast forward to 2 weeks ago, my daughter is now 13! And with sentencing in a few weeks and SS due to appear again I had no choice but to tell her! (what if it ends up in the paper and she is told by others or SS tell her, I felt sick with these thoughts) one of the first things my 13 year old said was I knew there way something you wasn't telling me and I've thought about it lots since I was 9, trying to work it out but I knew something would happen again one day. If she was 13 when it happened I don't know for sure but I think I would've told her, they notice things too much as teens. I told her that her dad had made a big mistake and whilst looking at sexual photos of adults that he found attractive he also looked at photos of children. I explained that it was illegal and wrong. Because it is illegal there are consequences. I explained how the court worked and the possible outcomes. I told her no matter what we all love each other and no matter what we would all support each other and if he does go to prison I will be right with her in all the ways she needs and wants me.
It is a heartbreaking conversation to have (although not as bad as I thought, she was happy for the honestly)
This forum will help you so much in many ways so if you want to, do message often.
Lots of Love and support xx
I'm so sorry this has happened to you! It is devastating and so very very raw for you.
I haven't read the other replies so forgive me if I'm repeating anything.
So the knock came in 2019 for me. My daughter was 9 and I panicked at what to tell her when I was told the children (also 2-year-old boy) couldn't see their dad for six weeks. I came up with a lie too. I was advised by many different people, this forum, the LFF helpline and all said to be as honest as possible. I could bare telling her but I so wish I did. As children fill in the gaps themselves they know when their parents are lying or holding back. Fast forward to 2 weeks ago, my daughter is now 13! And with sentencing in a few weeks and SS due to appear again I had no choice but to tell her! (what if it ends up in the paper and she is told by others or SS tell her, I felt sick with these thoughts) one of the first things my 13 year old said was I knew there way something you wasn't telling me and I've thought about it lots since I was 9, trying to work it out but I knew something would happen again one day. If she was 13 when it happened I don't know for sure but I think I would've told her, they notice things too much as teens. I told her that her dad had made a big mistake and whilst looking at sexual photos of adults that he found attractive he also looked at photos of children. I explained that it was illegal and wrong. Because it is illegal there are consequences. I explained how the court worked and the possible outcomes. I told her no matter what we all love each other and no matter what we would all support each other and if he does go to prison I will be right with her in all the ways she needs and wants me.
It is a heartbreaking conversation to have (although not as bad as I thought, she was happy for the honestly)
This forum will help you so much in many ways so if you want to, do message often.
Lots of Love and support xx
Bump for Bondi