What to tell the children about arrest
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Hi. I'm brand new to this. The knock came yesterday morning. I'm still numb. Don't know what to think. I just don't know what to say to the children (11&13). Need to tell them why he's not coming home and why they can't even speak to him. Need to tell them at some point that SS will talk to them. What will they (SS) say? Can I prevent the children from knowing the truth for now? I've made up something for now but things will come out. I obviously don't want them ti hear a rumour before I've spoke to them.
I just feel so completely sick. I don't know what I think, feel, believe. He said it was porn addiction that got out of hand. I'm so completely lost and can't think about the future, it's just too much. I just need to know how to get through today.
I just feel so completely sick. I don't know what I think, feel, believe. He said it was porn addiction that got out of hand. I'm so completely lost and can't think about the future, it's just too much. I just need to know how to get through today.
I'm so sorry that you've joined this awful club. I'm sure you'll get lots of good advice from people who have children.
You're so very early on that you'll be in shock. I would say a couple of things. 1. ring your gp. and 2. Don't make any big decisions just now, just look after yourself so you can look after your children.
Sending you a big hug x
You're so very early on that you'll be in shock. I would say a couple of things. 1. ring your gp. and 2. Don't make any big decisions just now, just look after yourself so you can look after your children.
Sending you a big hug x
I'm so sorry that you have joined us here, as a parent I say that the best bet is to tell your children 100% the truth as social services would be adamant you do this and are more than willing to do it for you, coming from your mouth will sound better than coming from someone else. Besides ss like to make things sound far worse.
make sure you don't make any big or hasty decisions, if you want to stay or leave that's all down to you. Do what's best for you.
I don't know the circumstances behind your persons arrest but I do know that news coming from you will be far better for your children, best of luck xxx
make sure you don't make any big or hasty decisions, if you want to stay or leave that's all down to you. Do what's best for you.
I don't know the circumstances behind your persons arrest but I do know that news coming from you will be far better for your children, best of luck xxx
Hi Yellow,
sorry you have joined us here. This time last year I was in your position (IIOC knock, kids aged 12 and 14).
I had managed to explain to my 14 YO what their dad had done, but struggled with my younger child as he wanted to know what his dad had seen on the internet.
Our social worker was really supportive but she said that if I didn't give my youngest some answers they would likely make up their own and they would normally be worse than the truth.
I had to psych myself up to it, but I managed to explain what pornography was and why it was illegal to look at under 18s.
sending you hugs and solidarity
x
sorry you have joined us here. This time last year I was in your position (IIOC knock, kids aged 12 and 14).
I had managed to explain to my 14 YO what their dad had done, but struggled with my younger child as he wanted to know what his dad had seen on the internet.
Our social worker was really supportive but she said that if I didn't give my youngest some answers they would likely make up their own and they would normally be worse than the truth.
I had to psych myself up to it, but I managed to explain what pornography was and why it was illegal to look at under 18s.
sending you hugs and solidarity
x
Hi, we're here for you. Once you've had time and headspace (not easy) you may also want to reach out to people in similar situations via the direct messaging function.
The following will seem A LOT, but when this happened to me 18 months ago, I couldn't even breathe or speak properly for a long time, so all credit to you for reaching out so soon.
First up, you will be OK. You will.
There is no right option, and you will come to find that much of the choice and control over your life has been removed. This is a situation (grief event) like no other. Don't feel rushed - nothing will be resolved quickly and your feelings are likely to change daily (hourly!).
My kids were exactly the same age as yours. We're approaching 18 months in. Their dad is in prison.
You are likely to go through a fast and steep learning curve. While that happens, I'd suggest telling as few people as possible. As much as we wish they wouldn't, they wiill judge.
I quickly came to realise that lies breed lies. I am now a liar to mitigate the impact of someone else's activities. I have had to coach my kids to lie to protect themselves. It's an unfathomable hell.
My approach (and it's seems to be working so far) was to always be honest with the kids, but with a limited/age-appropriate version of the truth. Their dad and I also agreed that we would tell them together. So, the line we took was that dad has done wrong and has to bear the consequences. Neither I (mum) nor you (kids) have done anything wrong. Dad didn't follow the online safety rules. He was talking online to people he didn't know in real life, they were talking about rude and inappropriate things, and that included looking at naked pictures/talking about s*xual things relating to people under 18 years old. That's illegal and it's the police's job to check what he's done and make sure everyone is safe. Dad has done very wrong things and is sorry (he needs to say the last bit - a lot!)
Social services will be part of your life. I told them very clearly under no circumstances were they to discuss with my children what their dad was accused of/had done. I would decide what they would be told, when and how. SS are not sympathetic to us. In their eyes we are by default not protective, miminise the offences, are sympathisers and complicit. Yeah, that prejudice really helps when we're trying to comprehend the incomprehensible...
In regards to SS speaking to the kids, the inital suggestion was that this be at school, without me present. My response - NO WAY!!! The first meeting was in our home, in my presence. I explained to the kids that SS are not police, but they work with the police and schools to make sure that children are safe and happy. Becuase of the bad decisions dad has made, they need to make sure we're OK. (Perhaps start researching the concept of 'family safety plans').
Buckle up, you have a bumpy ride ahead - but you know what, you WILL all be OK. This is shit, but people go through far worse. Life is different on the other side. But it's still life. Useful support and resources are 'Acts Fast', 'Safer Lives', 'Circles', 'Talking Forward' and LFF. You have been horribly let down, but you are not alone.
The following will seem A LOT, but when this happened to me 18 months ago, I couldn't even breathe or speak properly for a long time, so all credit to you for reaching out so soon.
First up, you will be OK. You will.
There is no right option, and you will come to find that much of the choice and control over your life has been removed. This is a situation (grief event) like no other. Don't feel rushed - nothing will be resolved quickly and your feelings are likely to change daily (hourly!).
My kids were exactly the same age as yours. We're approaching 18 months in. Their dad is in prison.
You are likely to go through a fast and steep learning curve. While that happens, I'd suggest telling as few people as possible. As much as we wish they wouldn't, they wiill judge.
I quickly came to realise that lies breed lies. I am now a liar to mitigate the impact of someone else's activities. I have had to coach my kids to lie to protect themselves. It's an unfathomable hell.
My approach (and it's seems to be working so far) was to always be honest with the kids, but with a limited/age-appropriate version of the truth. Their dad and I also agreed that we would tell them together. So, the line we took was that dad has done wrong and has to bear the consequences. Neither I (mum) nor you (kids) have done anything wrong. Dad didn't follow the online safety rules. He was talking online to people he didn't know in real life, they were talking about rude and inappropriate things, and that included looking at naked pictures/talking about s*xual things relating to people under 18 years old. That's illegal and it's the police's job to check what he's done and make sure everyone is safe. Dad has done very wrong things and is sorry (he needs to say the last bit - a lot!)
Social services will be part of your life. I told them very clearly under no circumstances were they to discuss with my children what their dad was accused of/had done. I would decide what they would be told, when and how. SS are not sympathetic to us. In their eyes we are by default not protective, miminise the offences, are sympathisers and complicit. Yeah, that prejudice really helps when we're trying to comprehend the incomprehensible...
In regards to SS speaking to the kids, the inital suggestion was that this be at school, without me present. My response - NO WAY!!! The first meeting was in our home, in my presence. I explained to the kids that SS are not police, but they work with the police and schools to make sure that children are safe and happy. Becuase of the bad decisions dad has made, they need to make sure we're OK. (Perhaps start researching the concept of 'family safety plans').
Buckle up, you have a bumpy ride ahead - but you know what, you WILL all be OK. This is shit, but people go through far worse. Life is different on the other side. But it's still life. Useful support and resources are 'Acts Fast', 'Safer Lives', 'Circles', 'Talking Forward' and LFF. You have been horribly let down, but you are not alone.