Brother - 5 years later (First Post)
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Hi everyone,
I'm feeling really anxious about writing this because I don't often speak about my situation but I'm really needing an outlet and some support.
5 years ago, my brother was arrested and charged with distributing images by means of forwarding on an email and having 72 of indecent images and movies on his phone. As you can understand, I am absolutley mortified, embarrassed, angry, ashamed... (the list of emotions goes on).
He has torn our family apart, put a wedge between family members and it infuriates me that I'm just expected to carry on as if nothing has happened. My problem is that my Mum and Dad are completely in denial about the situation, more so my Mum. The whole situation is taboo, a little secret that we musnt talk about in case people find out. It's all brushed under the rug and they act completely normal, which is both confusing and frustrating. Why are they doing this? I feel like I'm the only sane one.
It's a very difficult and complex situation (I'm trying not to confuse anyone and keep things brief so bare with me) but...
In 2005, he was accused of rape. Fast forward a few months down the line, two torturous weeks at court and he was found not guilty. At this point, he had my full support, I would stand up to anyone who would call my brother. Although we were all finding things difficult, we all settled back into our normal life and things started to look up.
In 2014, he was accused and charged of distributing indecent images and having 72 images on his phone. My faith in him completely dropped and I found it difficult being around him. He plays the victim a lot and can make my Mum and Dad believe what he wants them to...they don't believe their son would do anything like this, which I find hard. The family fell apart, people stopped visiting and we all lost friends...guilty by association! During this time, my husband and I had a little girl and I was called by SS. He can have contact but it must be supervised. I felt sick to my stomach but knew the importance of following the rules. I hated seeing him but I put up with him during family occasions because I didn't want to upset my parents further.
Fast forward to two weeks ago and I get a call from SS whilst at work, checking if I'm continuing to look after the wellfare of my daughter since something else had came to light and I flipped. I am a good Mum and I do not need SS calling me at work questioning whether I'm keeping my daughter safe from my peodophile brother. When I spoke to my brother about how frustrated I am, he mentioned a 3rd incident that had happened a couple of years ago....which I DID NOT know about! He was arrested and accused of 'assaulting a child', apparently not guilty but I am yet to find out the facts and at this point, do not believe him.
To make things worse, both my Mum and Dad knew about this but didnt think it necessary to tell me, since 'nothing came of it'. I am SO angry that they are protecting their son and not their daughter or grandchild who has done nothing wrong. My Mum still refuses to read any facts about his charges because she believes the sugar coated truth that my brother has told her. Both my parents don't want to talk about anything.
So here I am, living a life of anger and frustration with a brother who continually makes poor life choices and a Mum and Dad who are so in denial they don't know what's actually happening. I am dreading the conversation that is pending....I need to tell them how I feel. I do not want my children around my brother. I do not want to see him. I do not want to pretend everythings okay.
Please offer me any advice / support / kind words / understanding....Im lost!
x
I'm feeling really anxious about writing this because I don't often speak about my situation but I'm really needing an outlet and some support.
5 years ago, my brother was arrested and charged with distributing images by means of forwarding on an email and having 72 of indecent images and movies on his phone. As you can understand, I am absolutley mortified, embarrassed, angry, ashamed... (the list of emotions goes on).
He has torn our family apart, put a wedge between family members and it infuriates me that I'm just expected to carry on as if nothing has happened. My problem is that my Mum and Dad are completely in denial about the situation, more so my Mum. The whole situation is taboo, a little secret that we musnt talk about in case people find out. It's all brushed under the rug and they act completely normal, which is both confusing and frustrating. Why are they doing this? I feel like I'm the only sane one.
It's a very difficult and complex situation (I'm trying not to confuse anyone and keep things brief so bare with me) but...
In 2005, he was accused of rape. Fast forward a few months down the line, two torturous weeks at court and he was found not guilty. At this point, he had my full support, I would stand up to anyone who would call my brother. Although we were all finding things difficult, we all settled back into our normal life and things started to look up.
In 2014, he was accused and charged of distributing indecent images and having 72 images on his phone. My faith in him completely dropped and I found it difficult being around him. He plays the victim a lot and can make my Mum and Dad believe what he wants them to...they don't believe their son would do anything like this, which I find hard. The family fell apart, people stopped visiting and we all lost friends...guilty by association! During this time, my husband and I had a little girl and I was called by SS. He can have contact but it must be supervised. I felt sick to my stomach but knew the importance of following the rules. I hated seeing him but I put up with him during family occasions because I didn't want to upset my parents further.
Fast forward to two weeks ago and I get a call from SS whilst at work, checking if I'm continuing to look after the wellfare of my daughter since something else had came to light and I flipped. I am a good Mum and I do not need SS calling me at work questioning whether I'm keeping my daughter safe from my peodophile brother. When I spoke to my brother about how frustrated I am, he mentioned a 3rd incident that had happened a couple of years ago....which I DID NOT know about! He was arrested and accused of 'assaulting a child', apparently not guilty but I am yet to find out the facts and at this point, do not believe him.
To make things worse, both my Mum and Dad knew about this but didnt think it necessary to tell me, since 'nothing came of it'. I am SO angry that they are protecting their son and not their daughter or grandchild who has done nothing wrong. My Mum still refuses to read any facts about his charges because she believes the sugar coated truth that my brother has told her. Both my parents don't want to talk about anything.
So here I am, living a life of anger and frustration with a brother who continually makes poor life choices and a Mum and Dad who are so in denial they don't know what's actually happening. I am dreading the conversation that is pending....I need to tell them how I feel. I do not want my children around my brother. I do not want to see him. I do not want to pretend everythings okay.
Please offer me any advice / support / kind words / understanding....Im lost!
x
Hi Katie56
You have been so amazing so far and so strong.
You need to go with your gut feeling and if that is blocking your brother from your life at the moment the so be it. Absolutely you need to protect your babies, they must come first.
Like O&U I would be so pissed off with my family for not telling me the truth and finding it about it by strangers! I don't envy you that conversation but perhaps when the dust settles you could make it clear of your expectations and one of them maybe if you're visiting your parents that he's no where to be seen! I'm afraid if probably feel the same way you do, your brother has let you do many times and for horrific reasons!
Try ringing the helpline, they are brilliant. Also please make sure you're taking care of yourself xx
You have been so amazing so far and so strong.
You need to go with your gut feeling and if that is blocking your brother from your life at the moment the so be it. Absolutely you need to protect your babies, they must come first.
Like O&U I would be so pissed off with my family for not telling me the truth and finding it about it by strangers! I don't envy you that conversation but perhaps when the dust settles you could make it clear of your expectations and one of them maybe if you're visiting your parents that he's no where to be seen! I'm afraid if probably feel the same way you do, your brother has let you do many times and for horrific reasons!
Try ringing the helpline, they are brilliant. Also please make sure you're taking care of yourself xx
Hi there,
I just wanted to show some support.
From my experience so far, denial is incredibly strong sometimes. Also people's ability to compartmentalise - putting something in a "box" and not seeing how it affects everything else.
My husband is the one charged and up until the charge he still told me lies about accidental clicks/ stumbling g upon illegal stuff.
I have distanced myself emotionally. Or I am trying to at least to protect myself. I would strongly recommend some therapy or counselling.
I just wanted to show some support.
From my experience so far, denial is incredibly strong sometimes. Also people's ability to compartmentalise - putting something in a "box" and not seeing how it affects everything else.
My husband is the one charged and up until the charge he still told me lies about accidental clicks/ stumbling g upon illegal stuff.
I have distanced myself emotionally. Or I am trying to at least to protect myself. I would strongly recommend some therapy or counselling.
Hi Katie
You have shown such strength and it sounds like your parents have unwittingly let you down in trying to support your brother.
If you feel your daughter shoukd not have contact, then that’s your decision to make. It’s sad, but in a way that’s not your problem. You have to do what you feel is right.
For me, it’s my eldest son (21) who is serving a five year sentence. On release, he won’t have access or even supervised contact with my other son who is currently 3. My youngest is implicated. I feel not only would this be unfair on my youngest, but by having my eldest present at family occasions he is by relation in an implied position of trust. Id like to think he won’t reoffend. But I simply won’t take the risk.
The whole thing has broken my heart as mother to both.
I don’t know if that helps. But you are not alone and I genuinely feel for you.
You have shown such strength and it sounds like your parents have unwittingly let you down in trying to support your brother.
If you feel your daughter shoukd not have contact, then that’s your decision to make. It’s sad, but in a way that’s not your problem. You have to do what you feel is right.
For me, it’s my eldest son (21) who is serving a five year sentence. On release, he won’t have access or even supervised contact with my other son who is currently 3. My youngest is implicated. I feel not only would this be unfair on my youngest, but by having my eldest present at family occasions he is by relation in an implied position of trust. Id like to think he won’t reoffend. But I simply won’t take the risk.
The whole thing has broken my heart as mother to both.
I don’t know if that helps. But you are not alone and I genuinely feel for you.
Don't beat yourself over making a decision to stop contact with your brother. Some time ago I fell out with my dad and I haven't spoken to him for about ten years now although there was a time further back when I didn't speak to him for 15 years. Recently my brother sided with him and that was that. For a long time I was upset but knew that it was better not having my dad in my life. I was sad about my brother but it was his decision. I did lots of reading about families who go their separate ways and it is more common than you think. With time it gets easier. I can understand how you feel. Almost like they are putting him before you but I imagine the truth hurts. I suppose what I am trying to say is put yourself and your own family first. It's hard to have to take SS calls at work and it taints your life. Do what you need to do for you xx
Hi Katie
You stood by your brother after his first conviction. I have just found out 3 weeks ago that my brother has been involved in chat room conversations and is currently on bail whilst being investigated.
I am supporting him as you did with your brother. However if he repeated this “mistake” again I would feel exactly how you do
In addition my mum is also in denial and down playing the whole thing. I find it infuriating but also I am trying to remind myself it must be particularly hard to bear to find out your child has committed such an offence so I am trying to make allowances for her
However your trust in your brother must have been broken completely after multiple offences and although you probably still love him as I do mine you are rightly no
longer prepared to have him in your life xx
You stood by your brother after his first conviction. I have just found out 3 weeks ago that my brother has been involved in chat room conversations and is currently on bail whilst being investigated.
I am supporting him as you did with your brother. However if he repeated this “mistake” again I would feel exactly how you do
In addition my mum is also in denial and down playing the whole thing. I find it infuriating but also I am trying to remind myself it must be particularly hard to bear to find out your child has committed such an offence so I am trying to make allowances for her
However your trust in your brother must have been broken completely after multiple offences and although you probably still love him as I do mine you are rightly no
longer prepared to have him in your life xx
Hi Katie
I have recently convicted son and although his older brother supported him since the arrest, once his offence hit the papers my eldest turned his back on his brother and has gone to the extent of saying he and his children will no longer visit us whilst his brother is living at home.
Like you, my son feels we have kept things from him and that we hadn’t told him the full extent of the charges. He too feels we have put his brother first.
In a way I was pleased to read your post as it has made me realise a little of how my eldest son is feeling.
I am not saying you are wrong in your decision and anger, you have coped really well with a difficult situation and putting the safety of your children first has to be your first priority.
What I would say is that if your parents are anything like me they are horrified and disgusted with their son’s actions but not talking about the offence is a kind of self preservation. If you don’t say anything you can pretend everything is ok.
Did you try to speak to your parents and ask them for a full and frank disclosure? My eldest didn’t, in fact he gave every indication that he didn’t want to know so we didn’t discuss it with him. Maybe your parents feel the same. I wish we had been open and honest from the start as it would have saved a lot of tears.
I am really hoping that one day you, like me, will be able to enjoy a “normal” family life. In the meantime just rest assured that you are doing your very best for your children.
I have recently convicted son and although his older brother supported him since the arrest, once his offence hit the papers my eldest turned his back on his brother and has gone to the extent of saying he and his children will no longer visit us whilst his brother is living at home.
Like you, my son feels we have kept things from him and that we hadn’t told him the full extent of the charges. He too feels we have put his brother first.
In a way I was pleased to read your post as it has made me realise a little of how my eldest son is feeling.
I am not saying you are wrong in your decision and anger, you have coped really well with a difficult situation and putting the safety of your children first has to be your first priority.
What I would say is that if your parents are anything like me they are horrified and disgusted with their son’s actions but not talking about the offence is a kind of self preservation. If you don’t say anything you can pretend everything is ok.
Did you try to speak to your parents and ask them for a full and frank disclosure? My eldest didn’t, in fact he gave every indication that he didn’t want to know so we didn’t discuss it with him. Maybe your parents feel the same. I wish we had been open and honest from the start as it would have saved a lot of tears.
I am really hoping that one day you, like me, will be able to enjoy a “normal” family life. In the meantime just rest assured that you are doing your very best for your children.