Telling my children
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Hi all,
Since the knock a year ago I have been able to do supervised visits. So my OH could visit the house to see our son and his two step daughters (mine from a previous relationship) not every day but a couple of times a week.
Since he pleaded guilty (no IIOC found, but photos sent under an alias) they came back and said that he can no longer see them at all. This upset me a lot because I'm just about managing to survive all this.
My daughters think that he's had mental health issues, which isn't a lie but they don't know the truth. So I started panic thinking how am I going to explain things, stupidly I was thinking about how am I going to handle Christmas Day??
But with sentencing in a few weeks I thought well let's see what were actually facing and go from there.
SS have since come back to me of their own accord and said they've spoken to the Officer in charge and they've agreed he can have supervised visits but I need to tell the two eldest what's happened. I was completely shocked and don't know how I feel.
I understand what they're saying but if it's supervised why??
I'm trying to rack my brains in which there is a way that I can explain it to them (17&10) without them hating him. I'm not minimising what he's done but it's my job to protect them and I can do that through supervised contact.
At the minute I just feel like I should wait until sentencing.
Has anyone been in this situation?
Thanks
Since the knock a year ago I have been able to do supervised visits. So my OH could visit the house to see our son and his two step daughters (mine from a previous relationship) not every day but a couple of times a week.
Since he pleaded guilty (no IIOC found, but photos sent under an alias) they came back and said that he can no longer see them at all. This upset me a lot because I'm just about managing to survive all this.
My daughters think that he's had mental health issues, which isn't a lie but they don't know the truth. So I started panic thinking how am I going to explain things, stupidly I was thinking about how am I going to handle Christmas Day??
But with sentencing in a few weeks I thought well let's see what were actually facing and go from there.
SS have since come back to me of their own accord and said they've spoken to the Officer in charge and they've agreed he can have supervised visits but I need to tell the two eldest what's happened. I was completely shocked and don't know how I feel.
I understand what they're saying but if it's supervised why??
I'm trying to rack my brains in which there is a way that I can explain it to them (17&10) without them hating him. I'm not minimising what he's done but it's my job to protect them and I can do that through supervised contact.
At the minute I just feel like I should wait until sentencing.
Has anyone been in this situation?
Thanks
There is a thread in family and children that might help you. Sorry i cant as i dont have young children. If not hoping someone else on here maybe able to help you.
There is no right option, and you will come to find that much of the choice and control over your life has been removed. This is a situation (grief event) like no other. Don't feel rushed - nothing will be resolved quickly and your feelings are likely to change daily (hourly!).
I quickly came to realise that lies breed lies. I am now a liar to mitigate the impact of someone else's activities. I have had to coach my kids to lie to protect themselves. It's an unfathomable hell.
My approach (and it's seems to be working so far) was to always be honest with the kids, but with a limited/age-appropriate version of the truth. Their dad and I also agreed that we would tell them together. So, the line we took was that dad has done wrong and has to bear the consequences. Neither I (mum) nor you (kids) have done anything wrong. Dad didn't follow the online safety rules. He was talking online to people he didn't know in real life, they were talking about rude and inappropriate things, and that included looking at naked pictures/talking about s*xual things relating to people under 18 years old. That's illegal and it's the police's job to check what he's done and make sure everyone is safe. Dad has done very wrong things and is sorry (he needs to say the last bit - a lot!)
Social services will be part of your life. I told them very clearly under no circumstances were they to discuss with my children what their dad was accused of/had done. I would decide what they would be told, when and how. SS are not sympathetic to us. In their eyes we are by default not protective, miminise the offences, are sympathisers and complicit. Yeah, that prejudice really helps when we're trying to comprehend the incomprehensible...
In regards to SS speaking to the kids, the inital suggestion was that this be at school, without me present. My response - NO WAY!!! The first meeting was in our home, in my presence. I explained to the kids that SS are not police, but they work with the police and schools to make sure that children are safe and happy. Becuase of the bad decisions dad has made, they need to make sure we're OK. (Perhaps start researching the concept of 'family safety plans').
This is a bumpy ride (unerstatement!) but you know what, you WILL all be OK. This is shit, but people go through far worse. Life is different on the other side. But it's still life. Useful support and resources are 'Acts Fast', 'Safer Lives', 'Circles', 'Talking Forward' and LFF. You have been horribly let down, but you are not alone.
I quickly came to realise that lies breed lies. I am now a liar to mitigate the impact of someone else's activities. I have had to coach my kids to lie to protect themselves. It's an unfathomable hell.
My approach (and it's seems to be working so far) was to always be honest with the kids, but with a limited/age-appropriate version of the truth. Their dad and I also agreed that we would tell them together. So, the line we took was that dad has done wrong and has to bear the consequences. Neither I (mum) nor you (kids) have done anything wrong. Dad didn't follow the online safety rules. He was talking online to people he didn't know in real life, they were talking about rude and inappropriate things, and that included looking at naked pictures/talking about s*xual things relating to people under 18 years old. That's illegal and it's the police's job to check what he's done and make sure everyone is safe. Dad has done very wrong things and is sorry (he needs to say the last bit - a lot!)
Social services will be part of your life. I told them very clearly under no circumstances were they to discuss with my children what their dad was accused of/had done. I would decide what they would be told, when and how. SS are not sympathetic to us. In their eyes we are by default not protective, miminise the offences, are sympathisers and complicit. Yeah, that prejudice really helps when we're trying to comprehend the incomprehensible...
In regards to SS speaking to the kids, the inital suggestion was that this be at school, without me present. My response - NO WAY!!! The first meeting was in our home, in my presence. I explained to the kids that SS are not police, but they work with the police and schools to make sure that children are safe and happy. Becuase of the bad decisions dad has made, they need to make sure we're OK. (Perhaps start researching the concept of 'family safety plans').
This is a bumpy ride (unerstatement!) but you know what, you WILL all be OK. This is shit, but people go through far worse. Life is different on the other side. But it's still life. Useful support and resources are 'Acts Fast', 'Safer Lives', 'Circles', 'Talking Forward' and LFF. You have been horribly let down, but you are not alone.
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Intatters, thank you so much for your response. If you don't mind if/when probably when I do decide to tell them I will go along a similar line. The problem I have is that it isn't my two eldests dad, it's step dad and as much as they have a great relationship with him I worry that there isn't the loyalty there as there would be their actual dad.
I think until I know the outcome of sentencing and 100% where I stand I will keep them out of it as much as I can x
I think until I know the outcome of sentencing and 100% where I stand I will keep them out of it as much as I can x