Struggling with my person's actions still
Notifications OFF
It's been 13 months since my OH went to prison and I'm still struggling with his actions. He says he doesn't truly know why he did it, that he won't figure it out without professional help and there's almost zero chance of that happening whilst inside. I don't know if I can wait that long, but it's not his fault the prison system is so awful with little to no rehabilitation inside. So I don't know if I'm being unreasonable in pushing him for answers.
He says he loves me, but also said 'I don't fully understand why you're so important to me and why I miss you', and that part of him lied about it all so often because the thought of losing me was scary. But every time you hear men say that it just sounds like BS! That they lied so they could carry on doing it, not because they were afraid of losing us! If they were that afraid they would have stopped or not done it in the first place! And now he can't even explain to me why I'm important. I feel like an idiot for accepting "I don't understand why you're important to me" as an answer from him, that I should push him for a better answer.
I don't know what to do, it feels like he is not doing enough to fix things with me. Like each small lack of effort is adding up to show he's not changing enough, because it's easier for him to sleep or game the time away than put in the difficult work.
We used to send each other long heartfelt letters, but since he was sentenced he hasn't replied to any. He struggles to talk about his feelings verbally but would be able to write the things he couldn't say, and with the lack of letters it's like I've been waiting on answers to questions for over 9 months. I feel stuck, unable to move on from any of it, unable to process any of it any better than I could last year because he's not giving me the explanations I need.
I don't know if I'm being too harsh considering being inside prison is no picnic, or if anyone else with someone in prison feels the same way. But I don't know how to get it through to him that without explanations it's like I'm just waiting around in limbo in a half relationship for someone that can't even demonstrate how important I am and do the actions to match his words. But it's all completely of his control, accessing professional help, SO courses, he can't even get a victim awareness course or anything like that. So it's difficult to say if he did have access to everything maybe he would improve better.
He calls less now and he was surprised when I said I didn't mind, he said he never thought he'd hear me say something like that. Essentially because he still assumes I need him more than he needs me! Which makes me think he's taking me for granted again! It's little things like that which make me think he's going backwards and has gone back to thinking I will always be here without him having to put in real hard work and effort. And because his parents ignore what he did, he's only getting hassle from me over it. Further making me feel alone. They don't even know everything he did, but I doubt he will ever tell them
Sometimes I just want to tell his mum and dad everything and have it out with them and him properly before leaving the situation for good, because I'm so fed up of being the only one facing his actions alone and one of his actions involved sending pictures of me!! But I'm having to deal with that one all on my own. It feels like no one else knows what it was like living with him, and the only other people that see him (parents) don't listen to what I tell them and try to excuse some of his other behaviours away or minimise it
I just wish we could get something like couples therapy, but that's years away. I thought it would get easier with time, that some couple's work through it and get closer now it's all out in the open. But it just feels like we're stuck in this limbo talking on the phone and going to visits and time is passing without any real progress
He says he loves me, but also said 'I don't fully understand why you're so important to me and why I miss you', and that part of him lied about it all so often because the thought of losing me was scary. But every time you hear men say that it just sounds like BS! That they lied so they could carry on doing it, not because they were afraid of losing us! If they were that afraid they would have stopped or not done it in the first place! And now he can't even explain to me why I'm important. I feel like an idiot for accepting "I don't understand why you're important to me" as an answer from him, that I should push him for a better answer.
I don't know what to do, it feels like he is not doing enough to fix things with me. Like each small lack of effort is adding up to show he's not changing enough, because it's easier for him to sleep or game the time away than put in the difficult work.
We used to send each other long heartfelt letters, but since he was sentenced he hasn't replied to any. He struggles to talk about his feelings verbally but would be able to write the things he couldn't say, and with the lack of letters it's like I've been waiting on answers to questions for over 9 months. I feel stuck, unable to move on from any of it, unable to process any of it any better than I could last year because he's not giving me the explanations I need.
I don't know if I'm being too harsh considering being inside prison is no picnic, or if anyone else with someone in prison feels the same way. But I don't know how to get it through to him that without explanations it's like I'm just waiting around in limbo in a half relationship for someone that can't even demonstrate how important I am and do the actions to match his words. But it's all completely of his control, accessing professional help, SO courses, he can't even get a victim awareness course or anything like that. So it's difficult to say if he did have access to everything maybe he would improve better.
He calls less now and he was surprised when I said I didn't mind, he said he never thought he'd hear me say something like that. Essentially because he still assumes I need him more than he needs me! Which makes me think he's taking me for granted again! It's little things like that which make me think he's going backwards and has gone back to thinking I will always be here without him having to put in real hard work and effort. And because his parents ignore what he did, he's only getting hassle from me over it. Further making me feel alone. They don't even know everything he did, but I doubt he will ever tell them
Sometimes I just want to tell his mum and dad everything and have it out with them and him properly before leaving the situation for good, because I'm so fed up of being the only one facing his actions alone and one of his actions involved sending pictures of me!! But I'm having to deal with that one all on my own. It feels like no one else knows what it was like living with him, and the only other people that see him (parents) don't listen to what I tell them and try to excuse some of his other behaviours away or minimise it
I just wish we could get something like couples therapy, but that's years away. I thought it would get easier with time, that some couple's work through it and get closer now it's all out in the open. But it just feels like we're stuck in this limbo talking on the phone and going to visits and time is passing without any real progress
Hi,
My thoughts when reading your post are;
What are his cell and phone access situations?
You absolutely deserve answers and to feel important and although he may have to work with professionals in order to come to terms with what he has done he should still be able to offer basics as he has lots of time for soul searching. By basics I mean remorse and possible triggers for his actions for example is there an addiction, early exposure to porn or morbid fascination etc. I wouldn't offer these to him as acceptable reasons because he may just pick one to appease you.
Is it possible for you to step back in terms of visiting and phone calls? Take some time to focus on you and see how you both feel after a period of absence, maybe explain that you deserve to feel important and that he isn't making you feel like that right now so you're taking some time to work on your self worth and suggest he does the same xxx
My thoughts when reading your post are;
What are his cell and phone access situations?
You absolutely deserve answers and to feel important and although he may have to work with professionals in order to come to terms with what he has done he should still be able to offer basics as he has lots of time for soul searching. By basics I mean remorse and possible triggers for his actions for example is there an addiction, early exposure to porn or morbid fascination etc. I wouldn't offer these to him as acceptable reasons because he may just pick one to appease you.
Is it possible for you to step back in terms of visiting and phone calls? Take some time to focus on you and see how you both feel after a period of absence, maybe explain that you deserve to feel important and that he isn't making you feel like that right now so you're taking some time to work on your self worth and suggest he does the same xxx
He has a single cell and in cell phone so is able to ring any time
He has said he feels remorse, guilt, regret, but what he brings up specifically is how it’s affected his ability to travel or work. When directly asked he says of course he regrets how he’s hurt me etc, but I feel like I shouldn’t have to directly ask. It’s like I want him grovelling at my feet, I guess.
He said it felt like an addiction, that he couldn’t stop himself, would turn to it when stressed. Said he’s always felt lonely and had an unhealthy relationship with sex which got worse over time. So in that sense I do have some of the basics but after over a year it doesn’t feel like enough anymore. He says things like ‘it’s a tricky thing to work out’
I have taken a small step back by asking him to call less and I don’t visit as often as before, but when I began to do that his parents got funny about it, asking him why isn’t he calling me daily anymore. Then I suggested going longer to give ourselves more of a break from each other, which he was ok with and said it would probably be a good idea. So we did that for half a week until his parents found out and questioned him on it, wondering is something wrong, why isn’t he calling her as often etc, which made him feel uncomfortable. Since then he doesn’t go more than 2 days without calling unless I’m too busy on an evening for him to phone. It’s made me feel very self conscious when I shouldn’t have to explain myself like that. They always ask him if he's rung me and when. He told them we were speaking less often as calls are expensive and we end up chatting for a long time on the phone, so they suggested to him to call me daily even just for 5 mins so it's less expensive...
They also assume I’m going on every visit with them and I have to give reasons why I’m not, even though my OH is ok with me not visiting as often, the whole situation feels complicated due to his parents involvement and how they're seeing his offences/actions and by extension our relationship. I think they think because I'm still here that it's all hunky dory between us
That's a really good way of phrasing it! I just don’t feel able to say something like that to my OH right now as I’m afraid he will give up and say “let’s break up because it’s too hard to work on myself enough for you”, but I guess if he does do that I have my answer if he can really change or not
He has said he feels remorse, guilt, regret, but what he brings up specifically is how it’s affected his ability to travel or work. When directly asked he says of course he regrets how he’s hurt me etc, but I feel like I shouldn’t have to directly ask. It’s like I want him grovelling at my feet, I guess.
He said it felt like an addiction, that he couldn’t stop himself, would turn to it when stressed. Said he’s always felt lonely and had an unhealthy relationship with sex which got worse over time. So in that sense I do have some of the basics but after over a year it doesn’t feel like enough anymore. He says things like ‘it’s a tricky thing to work out’
I have taken a small step back by asking him to call less and I don’t visit as often as before, but when I began to do that his parents got funny about it, asking him why isn’t he calling me daily anymore. Then I suggested going longer to give ourselves more of a break from each other, which he was ok with and said it would probably be a good idea. So we did that for half a week until his parents found out and questioned him on it, wondering is something wrong, why isn’t he calling her as often etc, which made him feel uncomfortable. Since then he doesn’t go more than 2 days without calling unless I’m too busy on an evening for him to phone. It’s made me feel very self conscious when I shouldn’t have to explain myself like that. They always ask him if he's rung me and when. He told them we were speaking less often as calls are expensive and we end up chatting for a long time on the phone, so they suggested to him to call me daily even just for 5 mins so it's less expensive...
They also assume I’m going on every visit with them and I have to give reasons why I’m not, even though my OH is ok with me not visiting as often, the whole situation feels complicated due to his parents involvement and how they're seeing his offences/actions and by extension our relationship. I think they think because I'm still here that it's all hunky dory between us
That's a really good way of phrasing it! I just don’t feel able to say something like that to my OH right now as I’m afraid he will give up and say “let’s break up because it’s too hard to work on myself enough for you”, but I guess if he does do that I have my answer if he can really change or not
Lucy22
Sorry, no advice just a note that I do think I get how you're feeling. I have often had times when I have thought that although my OH is sorry, that he is not sorry enough.
I guess the difficulty for you is even if he did want to put the effort into sorting himself out, he is unable to do so in a prison where he can't take any action to rehabilitate himself. (Im sure we could all write an essay on the shortcomings of the prison service as a rehabilitative resource!) so it's hard for you to know if he really wants to or not.
The advice to take a step back and look after yourself I think is a good one. At least then you can work out what you want, and ultimately you can decide when he gets out if you want to work with him on rebuilding your relationship and on what terms, or whether you yourself have decided its too hard or just not worth the effort
Sorry, no advice just a note that I do think I get how you're feeling. I have often had times when I have thought that although my OH is sorry, that he is not sorry enough.
I guess the difficulty for you is even if he did want to put the effort into sorting himself out, he is unable to do so in a prison where he can't take any action to rehabilitate himself. (Im sure we could all write an essay on the shortcomings of the prison service as a rehabilitative resource!) so it's hard for you to know if he really wants to or not.
The advice to take a step back and look after yourself I think is a good one. At least then you can work out what you want, and ultimately you can decide when he gets out if you want to work with him on rebuilding your relationship and on what terms, or whether you yourself have decided its too hard or just not worth the effort
If I can be a little blunt and I don't mean to cause any offence it sounds like you are all clinging to the relationship in your own way.
Do his parents go on every visit? That seems odd given that he has a partner.
Are you able to write them a letter expressing that you want to have some time to reflect on what's happened and what you want from your relationship and life moving forward? Even if you don't send it the process might do you some good.
Is your partner on the spectrum? Has he always had difficulty communicating his feelings with you?
I completely understand what you said about feeling like he should be grovelling, sometimes if we have an unrelated disagreement part of me wants gets mad almost like a how dare you after what you've put me through. I think that's normal in this and I'm working on myself with this because it's not who I want to be. I've chosen to give our relationship another chance and I don't actually want an unbalanced relationship where I am in control as that's not a partnership for me I might aswell be his mom if that's the line I'm going down.
Here if you need to chat xxx
Do his parents go on every visit? That seems odd given that he has a partner.
Are you able to write them a letter expressing that you want to have some time to reflect on what's happened and what you want from your relationship and life moving forward? Even if you don't send it the process might do you some good.
Is your partner on the spectrum? Has he always had difficulty communicating his feelings with you?
I completely understand what you said about feeling like he should be grovelling, sometimes if we have an unrelated disagreement part of me wants gets mad almost like a how dare you after what you've put me through. I think that's normal in this and I'm working on myself with this because it's not who I want to be. I've chosen to give our relationship another chance and I don't actually want an unbalanced relationship where I am in control as that's not a partnership for me I might aswell be his mom if that's the line I'm going down.
Here if you need to chat xxx
I don’t know if his sorry’s will ever feel like enough, that’s the problem. He’s said he wants to do all the courses he can, any education he can, but he’s been denied all of it as they don’t offer it to his wing in that prison. There’s no space for him to move to a SO prison either.
I need to take a step back but it will become a bigger thing than it needs to be because of how much his parents are involved
He used to get one visit a month, two if he was lucky, and his parents always go without fail, so I’d either go with them or not at all. I partly stopped going because I couldn’t stand to sit there and pretend with them like everything is normal and not discuss what he did because they’re there. He gets two a month now but his parents still act like the done thing is for us all to go together in the car on one visit every month, almost like a family day out, particularly as it’s far away. So I haven’t seen him on my own in months, and he won’t tell them himself that he wants to spend time with me alone “because that would be an uncomfortable conversation”.
Writing a letter to them sounds like a good idea, neither of them are emotionally mature and seem unable to have conversations about feelings, if my OH talks about his even slightly e.g telling them he doesn’t feel like doing anything anymore, only sleeping, or I talk about how hurt I am, they kind of ignore it or freeze and stare at you a bit confused, then change the subject. It’s hard to explain.
He's not autistic, but we do think he has ADHD. He’s always struggled with communication, he would often get angry, sometimes in the extreme, instead of being able to say how he felt calmly, but I’ve read that ADHD symptoms can cause that by being overwhelmed etc. But his parents minimise his anger to "little outbursts" and don't see it as the problem it really is. But if he does have ADHD, I wonder how he would be if he was on the right medication getting mental health support.
I do that too Distressed, I get angry at him for things after what he's put me through. He has all that time alone and can't even write me a stupid letter, or remember to take his medication, or remember to post an important letter etc. After all things I had to do for him
Thank you for your advice and replies, the only people who truly understands how this feels are you ladies on here!
Xxx
I need to take a step back but it will become a bigger thing than it needs to be because of how much his parents are involved
He used to get one visit a month, two if he was lucky, and his parents always go without fail, so I’d either go with them or not at all. I partly stopped going because I couldn’t stand to sit there and pretend with them like everything is normal and not discuss what he did because they’re there. He gets two a month now but his parents still act like the done thing is for us all to go together in the car on one visit every month, almost like a family day out, particularly as it’s far away. So I haven’t seen him on my own in months, and he won’t tell them himself that he wants to spend time with me alone “because that would be an uncomfortable conversation”.
Writing a letter to them sounds like a good idea, neither of them are emotionally mature and seem unable to have conversations about feelings, if my OH talks about his even slightly e.g telling them he doesn’t feel like doing anything anymore, only sleeping, or I talk about how hurt I am, they kind of ignore it or freeze and stare at you a bit confused, then change the subject. It’s hard to explain.
He's not autistic, but we do think he has ADHD. He’s always struggled with communication, he would often get angry, sometimes in the extreme, instead of being able to say how he felt calmly, but I’ve read that ADHD symptoms can cause that by being overwhelmed etc. But his parents minimise his anger to "little outbursts" and don't see it as the problem it really is. But if he does have ADHD, I wonder how he would be if he was on the right medication getting mental health support.
I do that too Distressed, I get angry at him for things after what he's put me through. He has all that time alone and can't even write me a stupid letter, or remember to take his medication, or remember to post an important letter etc. After all things I had to do for him
Thank you for your advice and replies, the only people who truly understands how this feels are you ladies on here!
Xxx
Hey Lucy22,
Reading your post almost felt like I’d written it!
My OH is in prison too almost 10 months and he too has said similar things to me, regarding my importance to him so I really do understand all the feelings you have in relation to that. I will admit I probably am quite harsh with him sometimes as like you said prisons no walk in the park but he’s not going through this alone, I’m walking this sentence with him because of his actions so I think a little bit of harshness is allowed, you’re still human too and you absolutely deserve to be made to feel important and cared about when you’re supporting him still so feeling the way you do is totally reasonable.
At the beginning of his sentence I felt he was taking me for granted especially when I was and still am doing everything in regards to booking visits, sending him money and getting the information to his family with no real help from them all while trying to juggle our house and my own feelings and I felt he really should of been the one to say something to his family when I was struggling with it all, I feel the same as you that his family see me standing by him as all is forgiven but that’s not the truth. I still struggle with his actions more than anyone I think and get fed up all the time.
After a few months in prison my OH was appointed a therapist that I’m really grateful for as he will still talk openly with me about his offending while he’s in prison which has helped me a lot with processing some of my feelings but I don’t think he could of done this if he didn’t have his therapist in there as My OH is on the spectrum and wouldn’t of been able to process anything in prison alone, he was so overwhelmed the first few months I was worried all his work on the outside would of been undone so if your partner isn’t getting any help at all on the inside I can understand why it feels like a step backwards and that you’re banging your head against a wall.
Sometimes it feels like we’re not a couple anymore with him being in prison it really is sitting in limbo waiting for him to come home and hoping things will work out. Even when I visit him, his mum is there and i don’t really get time to talk about the things I want to while she’s around, it is really frustrating.
I don’t really have any advice, apart from definitely put yourself first! If you feel like some distance is exactly what you need then take it, let him explain to his parents to back off as that’s not your responsibility. I know as a fellow prison partner you will be doing more than enough for him already and it’s exhausting so caring for his parents feelings is not something else you should have to deal with, he will have to have them uncomfortable conversations with them especially if he wants to keep you in his life as they do seem to be adding unnecessary pressure to your relationship.
I just want you to know that I see you, your feelings are so valid and you’re not alone at all in this! Xx
Reading your post almost felt like I’d written it!
My OH is in prison too almost 10 months and he too has said similar things to me, regarding my importance to him so I really do understand all the feelings you have in relation to that. I will admit I probably am quite harsh with him sometimes as like you said prisons no walk in the park but he’s not going through this alone, I’m walking this sentence with him because of his actions so I think a little bit of harshness is allowed, you’re still human too and you absolutely deserve to be made to feel important and cared about when you’re supporting him still so feeling the way you do is totally reasonable.
At the beginning of his sentence I felt he was taking me for granted especially when I was and still am doing everything in regards to booking visits, sending him money and getting the information to his family with no real help from them all while trying to juggle our house and my own feelings and I felt he really should of been the one to say something to his family when I was struggling with it all, I feel the same as you that his family see me standing by him as all is forgiven but that’s not the truth. I still struggle with his actions more than anyone I think and get fed up all the time.
After a few months in prison my OH was appointed a therapist that I’m really grateful for as he will still talk openly with me about his offending while he’s in prison which has helped me a lot with processing some of my feelings but I don’t think he could of done this if he didn’t have his therapist in there as My OH is on the spectrum and wouldn’t of been able to process anything in prison alone, he was so overwhelmed the first few months I was worried all his work on the outside would of been undone so if your partner isn’t getting any help at all on the inside I can understand why it feels like a step backwards and that you’re banging your head against a wall.
Sometimes it feels like we’re not a couple anymore with him being in prison it really is sitting in limbo waiting for him to come home and hoping things will work out. Even when I visit him, his mum is there and i don’t really get time to talk about the things I want to while she’s around, it is really frustrating.
I don’t really have any advice, apart from definitely put yourself first! If you feel like some distance is exactly what you need then take it, let him explain to his parents to back off as that’s not your responsibility. I know as a fellow prison partner you will be doing more than enough for him already and it’s exhausting so caring for his parents feelings is not something else you should have to deal with, he will have to have them uncomfortable conversations with them especially if he wants to keep you in his life as they do seem to be adding unnecessary pressure to your relationship.
I just want you to know that I see you, your feelings are so valid and you’re not alone at all in this! Xx