Did you go to court or not?
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Hi everyone,
So I am coming up to 5 months in to this nightmare. My (now ex) partner was arrested by a vigilante group early March. I have not seen him or even spoken to him since. He was arrested on his way home from work, I got back to an empty house and he was not answering his phone. I went to his workplace to look for him and came home to the police searching the house with a warrant. I didn't find out what he'd been arrested for until a police officer phoned me the following morning. I said straight away to the police officer I wanted nothing to do with him (and I stand by that 100% and have no regrets). Police told me they'd found lots of indecent images of children on his devices. I work with children and so I explained I could not have him bailed to my address (police told me he'd be released on bail).
I have now dealt with all civil matters and all bills, the house, mortgage, bank accounts etc. are now in my sole name. I was advised to disassociate ASAP to protect my professional reputation which I've done and that is right for me.
I had a little contact with his mum early on to deal with practicalities such as getting his stuff to him but none with him. His mum tells me he can't face me and I do believe that as my mum ran in to him accidentally and he looked at her, panicked and literally ran off.
Only information I've had from police is they have images and will let me know when it goes to cos, they are confident he will be charged and go to court. I've had the odd email from lead investigator and she took a statement from me but it is just a waiting game.
Now all the practicalities are dealt with the enormity is hitting me. The last time I ever saw him we both left for work as normal. This leaves me with many unanswered questions and he was livestreamed by the vigilantes. There are people I know who have seen that video but I haven't. I am starting to think that although going to court would be tough, it will be closure and will give me facts. That way whatever is reported, shared, spread etc. I can look myself in the mirror and know the truth, for better or worse. The opportunity to hear direct from him has passed realistically.
Just wondering if anyone else felt court at least gave them truth and closure?
Love to all xx
So I am coming up to 5 months in to this nightmare. My (now ex) partner was arrested by a vigilante group early March. I have not seen him or even spoken to him since. He was arrested on his way home from work, I got back to an empty house and he was not answering his phone. I went to his workplace to look for him and came home to the police searching the house with a warrant. I didn't find out what he'd been arrested for until a police officer phoned me the following morning. I said straight away to the police officer I wanted nothing to do with him (and I stand by that 100% and have no regrets). Police told me they'd found lots of indecent images of children on his devices. I work with children and so I explained I could not have him bailed to my address (police told me he'd be released on bail).
I have now dealt with all civil matters and all bills, the house, mortgage, bank accounts etc. are now in my sole name. I was advised to disassociate ASAP to protect my professional reputation which I've done and that is right for me.
I had a little contact with his mum early on to deal with practicalities such as getting his stuff to him but none with him. His mum tells me he can't face me and I do believe that as my mum ran in to him accidentally and he looked at her, panicked and literally ran off.
Only information I've had from police is they have images and will let me know when it goes to cos, they are confident he will be charged and go to court. I've had the odd email from lead investigator and she took a statement from me but it is just a waiting game.
Now all the practicalities are dealt with the enormity is hitting me. The last time I ever saw him we both left for work as normal. This leaves me with many unanswered questions and he was livestreamed by the vigilantes. There are people I know who have seen that video but I haven't. I am starting to think that although going to court would be tough, it will be closure and will give me facts. That way whatever is reported, shared, spread etc. I can look myself in the mirror and know the truth, for better or worse. The opportunity to hear direct from him has passed realistically.
Just wondering if anyone else felt court at least gave them truth and closure?
Love to all xx
Hi Gemini
oh my goodness it is a true nightmare!
My partner was caught by a vigilante group in a a town along way from where we live, luckily this particular group do not live stream! That was last June so we are now 13 months into this horrrible situation. I have stayed with my partner as he is a very good dad, but I know everybody must make the right choice for themselves.
The police took our devices that night he was arrested and we had heard nothing at all from the police since. Our scolicitor has told us not to contact the police so we haven’t done. He says the vigilante group is a grey area so we are not sure what will happen.
my choice will be not to go to court, I think it would be so traumatic for me and I feel I have had enough shock, confusion, anger and I will just live with what sentence he is given. I think we all have our ways to coping with this and I guess this is my way.
sending you very best wishes Gemini, I would say keep coming back to this forum, it really has helped me so much. I felt so alone before, it now I don’t.
Mabel x x x
oh my goodness it is a true nightmare!
My partner was caught by a vigilante group in a a town along way from where we live, luckily this particular group do not live stream! That was last June so we are now 13 months into this horrrible situation. I have stayed with my partner as he is a very good dad, but I know everybody must make the right choice for themselves.
The police took our devices that night he was arrested and we had heard nothing at all from the police since. Our scolicitor has told us not to contact the police so we haven’t done. He says the vigilante group is a grey area so we are not sure what will happen.
my choice will be not to go to court, I think it would be so traumatic for me and I feel I have had enough shock, confusion, anger and I will just live with what sentence he is given. I think we all have our ways to coping with this and I guess this is my way.
sending you very best wishes Gemini, I would say keep coming back to this forum, it really has helped me so much. I felt so alone before, it now I don’t.
Mabel x x x
Hi Gemini
Although my husband want outted by vigilantes (horrible people!) he lied all the way through so the only way I was ever going to know why my marriage/life was ruined I needed to go to court.
To say I was shocked was an understatement, during the sentencing the judge was very graphic about what was in the cat A videos and images and described them in great detail, he also said what sites my husband had been looking at and the ages of the children involved.
All terrible terrible things but it affirmed to me that I had made the right choice in ending my relationship with him and I now know why my marriage is over!
I must admit what the judge says stayed with me for a long while afterwards and even more I can conjure up a picture in my mind off what he was looking at and it's very disturbing but for me I needed to do it.
I think this is a very individual decision to make but I would say, if you do go please make sure your have someone with your for support xx
Although my husband want outted by vigilantes (horrible people!) he lied all the way through so the only way I was ever going to know why my marriage/life was ruined I needed to go to court.
To say I was shocked was an understatement, during the sentencing the judge was very graphic about what was in the cat A videos and images and described them in great detail, he also said what sites my husband had been looking at and the ages of the children involved.
All terrible terrible things but it affirmed to me that I had made the right choice in ending my relationship with him and I now know why my marriage is over!
I must admit what the judge says stayed with me for a long while afterwards and even more I can conjure up a picture in my mind off what he was looking at and it's very disturbing but for me I needed to do it.
I think this is a very individual decision to make but I would say, if you do go please make sure your have someone with your for support xx
Thanks for the replies both of you.
I have been told that the judge is likely to be very graphic and describe what was seen in lots of detail. I think for me I want to see him after his arrest as although I know that what is happening is actually happening, I personally have not seen anything of this person who has been doing these things. I saw my partner of 9 years leave for work as normal.
I know all areas, judges, courts etc. are slightly different. The police officer has told me he will have a plea hearing at some point and if guilty it will jump straight to sentencing (I get the feeling from the little contact I've had with his mum he will plead guilty) and if not guilty go to trial. Does anyone have any experience of what is said the plea heating in terms of the details of images? To be honest, it's not the sentence I'm too worried about. Unfortunately he is not ever going to go on trial for what he's done to me so I view any sentencing as just a purely objective decision not designed to reflect what I'm going through. Our relationship is definitely over and we've both signed legally binding paperwork through a solicitor agreeing that. I just want to clap eyes on him and find out what he's actually charged with. It may be I attend plea hearing but not sentencing if it's likely to be sentencing where it is really graphic. My mum is definitely coming to court with me and in fact is going whether I do or not as she says she needs to and I respect that completely.
Can anyone shed any light on their experience of a plea hearing vs sentencing hearing?
Love to all xx
I have been told that the judge is likely to be very graphic and describe what was seen in lots of detail. I think for me I want to see him after his arrest as although I know that what is happening is actually happening, I personally have not seen anything of this person who has been doing these things. I saw my partner of 9 years leave for work as normal.
I know all areas, judges, courts etc. are slightly different. The police officer has told me he will have a plea hearing at some point and if guilty it will jump straight to sentencing (I get the feeling from the little contact I've had with his mum he will plead guilty) and if not guilty go to trial. Does anyone have any experience of what is said the plea heating in terms of the details of images? To be honest, it's not the sentence I'm too worried about. Unfortunately he is not ever going to go on trial for what he's done to me so I view any sentencing as just a purely objective decision not designed to reflect what I'm going through. Our relationship is definitely over and we've both signed legally binding paperwork through a solicitor agreeing that. I just want to clap eyes on him and find out what he's actually charged with. It may be I attend plea hearing but not sentencing if it's likely to be sentencing where it is really graphic. My mum is definitely coming to court with me and in fact is going whether I do or not as she says she needs to and I respect that completely.
Can anyone shed any light on their experience of a plea hearing vs sentencing hearing?
Love to all xx
Hi Gemini
At the plea hearings the charges are read out and your partner will have to respond either guilty or not guilty.
They won't go into them graphically at this point, if he pleads NG, in the car of my husband, his barrister have this reasons why he was playing NG and he was asked to back this up by the judge and another date was set. At the next plea hearing he went guilty so a date for sentencing was given, again at this point it isn't anything graphic but my husband was warned to be prepared for any eventuality ie custodial or not.
The sentencing was about a month later and during that time the defence will try and get reports that could help your partner's case, this is when it all becomes very graphic.
Take care xx
At the plea hearings the charges are read out and your partner will have to respond either guilty or not guilty.
They won't go into them graphically at this point, if he pleads NG, in the car of my husband, his barrister have this reasons why he was playing NG and he was asked to back this up by the judge and another date was set. At the next plea hearing he went guilty so a date for sentencing was given, again at this point it isn't anything graphic but my husband was warned to be prepared for any eventuality ie custodial or not.
The sentencing was about a month later and during that time the defence will try and get reports that could help your partner's case, this is when it all becomes very graphic.
Take care xx
Hi again,
Thanks for sharing your experience Tracey, it's good to hear from someone who has sat through it from the perspective of being a former partner/wife of the person charged.
I think this has kind of affirmed what I thought the process would be like. I will discuss it in more detail with the lead police officer as I know areas vary a bit on procedures. His choices turned my world upside down yet I'm struggling with not yet having seen any evidence of it for myself. I've not got any real desire to hear the full details of what he's looked at and my life is starting to move on slowly so the sentence won't actually change the day to day for me. We have no children and so no reason for any contact. I am thinking I may go to the plea hearing to see him in the flesh for myself and see him enter his plea but avoid sentencing where it's likely to be more graphic.
I guess like everything though, it is a case of see how it feels at the time.
Love to all xx
Thanks for sharing your experience Tracey, it's good to hear from someone who has sat through it from the perspective of being a former partner/wife of the person charged.
I think this has kind of affirmed what I thought the process would be like. I will discuss it in more detail with the lead police officer as I know areas vary a bit on procedures. His choices turned my world upside down yet I'm struggling with not yet having seen any evidence of it for myself. I've not got any real desire to hear the full details of what he's looked at and my life is starting to move on slowly so the sentence won't actually change the day to day for me. We have no children and so no reason for any contact. I am thinking I may go to the plea hearing to see him in the flesh for myself and see him enter his plea but avoid sentencing where it's likely to be more graphic.
I guess like everything though, it is a case of see how it feels at the time.
Love to all xx
Hi again
I too was interested to know the procedure for the sentencing hearing, I understand it more now.
thanks
mabel x x
I too was interested to know the procedure for the sentencing hearing, I understand it more now.
thanks
mabel x x
This is my first post. The knock came 5 months ago. Nothing appears to have happened since then. We still live in the same house but have mainly separate lives. He won't tell me what he has done but says he is going to plead guilty. I worry that the only way I will ever find out what he has done is by going to court but I know that I have no right to privacy and my details (including a photo) could also be published. Why should I have to go through that?
This was meant to be the year we both retired, had a special 3 week holiday in the USA and started a new, comfortable and relaxed phase in our lives. Obviously none of this is goiong to happen. Now, I am unable to see a future for us together and think a lonely, poorer old age would be preferable to a life with a man I no longer respect or trust.
I came across this forum and website in June and it has kept me sane. The sense of isolation and grief can be unbearable. I am just sorry there are some many of us in the same situation.
This was meant to be the year we both retired, had a special 3 week holiday in the USA and started a new, comfortable and relaxed phase in our lives. Obviously none of this is goiong to happen. Now, I am unable to see a future for us together and think a lonely, poorer old age would be preferable to a life with a man I no longer respect or trust.
I came across this forum and website in June and it has kept me sane. The sense of isolation and grief can be unbearable. I am just sorry there are some many of us in the same situation.
I fully intend to go to court. To see what he's done. What he's accused of. I need to make sense of it all. Will I be notified when the court date is as his (now) ex partner? Thank goodness for this forum. I'd go insane otherwise x
Hi partner
You might not be told as he's your ex but the police might tell you, again I only knew because if been asked to give evidence against him so the police had to keep me informed but I know some police forces keep you up to date anyway.
You can also ring the courts in the morning when they first open and ask if there is a case that day but you could be doing that for months! At crown court is not put in the public forum until the day although magistrates court put it up before the day (I hope that makes sense)
Hi Izzy
I'm so sorry you have joined this crappy club but you will get support, advice and comfort from the forum so keep coming on here.
Your life as you knew it is fine but that doesn't mean you can't get to a new normal
Take care
Xx
You might not be told as he's your ex but the police might tell you, again I only knew because if been asked to give evidence against him so the police had to keep me informed but I know some police forces keep you up to date anyway.
You can also ring the courts in the morning when they first open and ask if there is a case that day but you could be doing that for months! At crown court is not put in the public forum until the day although magistrates court put it up before the day (I hope that makes sense)
Hi Izzy
I'm so sorry you have joined this crappy club but you will get support, advice and comfort from the forum so keep coming on here.
Your life as you knew it is fine but that doesn't mean you can't get to a new normal
Take care
Xx
I went to court with my son and he pleaded guilty I wasn’t prepared for what I heard it was a lot worse than I had originally thought , even though I’d read the police interviews , charge sheets ,sat in meetings with barristers and not once was the extent was mentioned ! The cps don’t have to release there evidence unless you plead not guilty, Hense being unprepared and horrified but I’m also glad I was there and glad i heard it all xx
Oh Janno. It must be so hard for you being your son. I hope your doing okay. I struggle with the love I still feel for my now ex but your struggle is different. As a mum I too would be forever by my children's side,even if it's hard too make sense of what they've done. Huge hugs too you.
Thank you. I will ask the police whether I can be notified. I have the investigators number but I haven't called him yet. Although he is happy for me to do so. I think the not knowing is hard. Although hearing everything will be hard too. I know the cps case will be black and white and I'd like to hear the mitigating too. Because I don't believe he's a bad person. Foolish. I hope he has a good solicitor. This is despite what he's apparently done. I still can't get my head round it and maybe I'm.in denial, but I still think well maybe he clicked on a dodgy link etc. I need to go to court so I can hear the truth. Love to you all, nameless, faceless strangers who have become each others sole support after the knock. Xxxxx
Thank you. I will ask the police whether I can be notified. I have the investigators number but I haven't called him yet. Although he is happy for me to do so. I think the not knowing is hard. Although hearing everything will be hard too. I know the cps case will be black and white and I'd like to hear the mitigating too. Because I don't believe he's a bad person. Foolish. I hope he has a good solicitor. This is despite what he's apparently done. I still can't get my head round it and maybe I'm.in denial, but I still think well maybe he clicked on a dodgy link etc. I need to go to court so I can hear the truth. Love to you all, nameless, faceless strangers who have become each others sole support after the knock. Xxxxx
Hi again Janno
So sorry to read you had a traumatic time in court, you were very brave to go!
can I just ask when you mentioned the cps don’t have to release their evidence, what does this mean exactly? Sorry to ask a silly question but does this mean the court case can proceed without the evidence from the cps? My partner will plead guilty, he is completely honest with what he’s done.
thanks
mabel x
So sorry to read you had a traumatic time in court, you were very brave to go!
can I just ask when you mentioned the cps don’t have to release their evidence, what does this mean exactly? Sorry to ask a silly question but does this mean the court case can proceed without the evidence from the cps? My partner will plead guilty, he is completely honest with what he’s done.
thanks
mabel x
Hi Janno,
Was it at the plea hearing or sentencing that they went in to the extent and the detail of it all? I guess I will just have to ask when the time comes how it all works as different areas may do it differently. I asked from the outset to be kept updated about court dates etc. even though I've ended the relationship and I've had the odd email exchange with the lead investigator so I should be told when any court hearings take place. If the plea hearing isn't likely to be too graphic I may attend that.
Love to all xx
Was it at the plea hearing or sentencing that they went in to the extent and the detail of it all? I guess I will just have to ask when the time comes how it all works as different areas may do it differently. I asked from the outset to be kept updated about court dates etc. even though I've ended the relationship and I've had the odd email exchange with the lead investigator so I should be told when any court hearings take place. If the plea hearing isn't likely to be too graphic I may attend that.
Love to all xx
Hi Mabel,
My understanding is that if you plead not guilty you have the right to see the evidence against you to prepare a defence or to discredit the case against you. This means the evidence is released to the accused prior to trial. If you plead guilty you are accepting the case against you so the evidence is released for the first time in court, you don't need it prior to court as you are not challenging it. The CPS would always need evidence to secure conviction I would have thought.
Love to all xx
My understanding is that if you plead not guilty you have the right to see the evidence against you to prepare a defence or to discredit the case against you. This means the evidence is released to the accused prior to trial. If you plead guilty you are accepting the case against you so the evidence is released for the first time in court, you don't need it prior to court as you are not challenging it. The CPS would always need evidence to secure conviction I would have thought.
Love to all xx
I was under the impression that your defence solicitor can request the evidence directly from the cps as soon as you are summoned to court? I could be mistaken. Obviously at that stage now formal plea would have been given? Apologies if this is incorrect. Just my understanding of things.
Thank you Gemini and Partner, that does explain the procedures clearly.
Best wishes to you both x x
Mabel x
Best wishes to you both x x
Mabel x
Hi guys
it wasn’t the best experience but I wasn’t letting my boy go alone , I don’t really feel any different about him unless I’m in denial I seriously don’t think he could or would harm any1! I do think I understand him,an I do think I’ve got the angle of the actually mh link to addiction maybe this helps I don’t know really
it was the sentencing they went into detail! it’s still early days and trying to get him rehoused and in a place where he can start to live again hopefully with a lot of support and hard work from him and he don’t reoffend I suppose is the best I can hope for x.
it wasn’t the best experience but I wasn’t letting my boy go alone , I don’t really feel any different about him unless I’m in denial I seriously don’t think he could or would harm any1! I do think I understand him,an I do think I’ve got the angle of the actually mh link to addiction maybe this helps I don’t know really
it was the sentencing they went into detail! it’s still early days and trying to get him rehoused and in a place where he can start to live again hopefully with a lot of support and hard work from him and he don’t reoffend I suppose is the best I can hope for x.
Janno it seems that he has the best mum and with your support and understanding I'm sure he will get the help he needs and won't reoffend. I also believe that my ex is a good person, bloody foolish, but wouldn't hurt anybody. Xxxx
Thanku partner I’m sure it’s a journey plenty have done before us and there will deffo be more in the future ! Xxx
Hi Tracey
Thank you for your kind words of support. Don't know how long I can keep up the facade of my marriage for friends and family. I have this big secret which is dragging my life down. On day of knock I agreed to 'carry on as normal for a few weeks' until there was clarity about the possible charges. Five months on the living in limbo is horrible and stressful. From what I have read it could be another 5 months before I know anything more.
Thank you for your kind words of support. Don't know how long I can keep up the facade of my marriage for friends and family. I have this big secret which is dragging my life down. On day of knock I agreed to 'carry on as normal for a few weeks' until there was clarity about the possible charges. Five months on the living in limbo is horrible and stressful. From what I have read it could be another 5 months before I know anything more.
Hi Izzy
i really feel for you in this truly dreadful situation.
I have managed to stay sane by really living one day at a time, it was hard for me at the beginning because I’ve never thought this way before but it really has helped me me through.
I kneow what you mean about your future, I have stayed with my partner as he is a really good dad but I know once our son has flown the nest I will too, the trust is gone for me. When I think of my future is looks very very bleak so I don’t think of it and just concentrate on today.
sending you hugs and best wishes
mabel x
i really feel for you in this truly dreadful situation.
I have managed to stay sane by really living one day at a time, it was hard for me at the beginning because I’ve never thought this way before but it really has helped me me through.
I kneow what you mean about your future, I have stayed with my partner as he is a really good dad but I know once our son has flown the nest I will too, the trust is gone for me. When I think of my future is looks very very bleak so I don’t think of it and just concentrate on today.
sending you hugs and best wishes
mabel x
Hi Mabel and everyone)
Thanks for your response and hugs. Having a bad day today. Can't explain it, I had been doing better. Hopefully, I will feel better tomorrow.
Thanks for your response and hugs. Having a bad day today. Can't explain it, I had been doing better. Hopefully, I will feel better tomorrow.
Izzy I'm sending you love and a virtual hug. It's early days for me and I'm up and down like a yo-yo. I'm also on anti depressants as I need that extra support. So I know how you feel. Please feel free to vent your emotions on here. Xxxxx