How do you cope?
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My dad has been viewing images online. How do you look them in the eye afterwards? My dad has always been a nightmare, but he was also a funny very charismatic man. I would never have suspected that we would do such a thing. I feel confused and so conflicted on what to do.
I'm also so alone, my sister does't know anything and i won't tell her. I do this because I want her to able to hold on to the image of the dad I had before. My mom, his ex wife also doesn't know, Same reason.
It's like the dad that I had before completely changed, I feel such grief. All memories are tainted. I still love him so much, but I'm so conflicted on how to approach him. One day I believe the porn addiction route, other days I'm disgusted.
I also feel like he robbed me off the possibility of ever having him as a grandfather as I will never trust my children with him. It is such a stupid situation.
I would love to say "love the man, hate the addiction." But it is more complicated. I feel like I support it in some sense if I do hold on to this, but I know it is a gray area. However that is not what the population thinks. I don't agree with the p. word, it just doesn't fit him, but for some reason it feels like i'm in denial . Because for the rest of the world, he would be described as such, even if it doesn't fit.
I'm also so alone, my sister does't know anything and i won't tell her. I do this because I want her to able to hold on to the image of the dad I had before. My mom, his ex wife also doesn't know, Same reason.
It's like the dad that I had before completely changed, I feel such grief. All memories are tainted. I still love him so much, but I'm so conflicted on how to approach him. One day I believe the porn addiction route, other days I'm disgusted.
I also feel like he robbed me off the possibility of ever having him as a grandfather as I will never trust my children with him. It is such a stupid situation.
I would love to say "love the man, hate the addiction." But it is more complicated. I feel like I support it in some sense if I do hold on to this, but I know it is a gray area. However that is not what the population thinks. I don't agree with the p. word, it just doesn't fit him, but for some reason it feels like i'm in denial . Because for the rest of the world, he would be described as such, even if it doesn't fit.
How long have you known? I think the main answer here is time.
It's a huge shock and a lot to process, especially if you don't have your mum and sister to talk to. Time heals. Sending you lots of love xx
It's a huge shock and a lot to process, especially if you don't have your mum and sister to talk to. Time heals. Sending you lots of love xx
Your conflicting emotions about your dad is absolutely normal (in the context of how ABnormal this situation is) and to swing from one to the other is how it goes. Although what your dad has done in itself is abhorrent and it's right to be disgusted by his behaviour, that doesn't wipe out all the other things about him. Both can be true (although it would be easier if it was black and white)
For us it's our adult son who's the offender and I am learning to cope with what he's done alongside all the good and positive things about him which are still there and were also there when he was offending. I'm discovering that I can still love him as his mum without condoning his offences, but as JenJo says, this takes time for the emotional equilibrium to settle.
There are other children of offenders who post on here so I hope they see your post and reply although all the rest of us are here for you too.
By the way, your decision to NOT tell your sister is really commendable but you must find someone to talk to about it when you feel ready. The LFF help line might be a great place to offload.
Big hug xx
For us it's our adult son who's the offender and I am learning to cope with what he's done alongside all the good and positive things about him which are still there and were also there when he was offending. I'm discovering that I can still love him as his mum without condoning his offences, but as JenJo says, this takes time for the emotional equilibrium to settle.
There are other children of offenders who post on here so I hope they see your post and reply although all the rest of us are here for you too.
By the way, your decision to NOT tell your sister is really commendable but you must find someone to talk to about it when you feel ready. The LFF help line might be a great place to offload.
Big hug xx
I have known it for a few months. It has been very hard.
I agree with RainyDay. You really need to find someone to talk to. Well done for posting here, that's a good place to start. There's always someone here to listen.
Maybe speak to your gp if you haven't already. They can be hugely supportive xx
Maybe speak to your gp if you haven't already. They can be hugely supportive xx
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I agree Rainy, I am at peace with my decision to support my son - I hate living with the 'unsaid' but it's a horrible part of compromise and moving on, I'm afraid.
Its not black and white, lots of grey areas and people perhaps would condone me for my decisions. But I respect their views - I just wish they'd respect mine! But it is what it is, it's my life to live at the end of the day.
I will never forgive my son for what's happened but I know he is a good man, that certainly doesn't deserve to be labelled.
keep strong Daughterlost, your feelings and emotions are normal, and many of us understand how you feel x
Its not black and white, lots of grey areas and people perhaps would condone me for my decisions. But I respect their views - I just wish they'd respect mine! But it is what it is, it's my life to live at the end of the day.
I will never forgive my son for what's happened but I know he is a good man, that certainly doesn't deserve to be labelled.
keep strong Daughterlost, your feelings and emotions are normal, and many of us understand how you feel x
Hi Daughterlost, I'm also the adult daughter of an offender (Almost 4 years since the knock and still figuring things out) and I am so sorry for what's happening to you and your family.
I know you'll do what's right for you so please take take whatever you want from this message, I'm just an internet stranger who isn't in your shoes.
In the friendliest, most supportive way, I would suggest you think more about sharing this with your Mom and sibling. The reason I say this, is I was definitely taking on too much responsibility for the situation my Dad created and it almost became a way for me to punish myself, which stopped me from meeting my needs and navigating how to move forward.
Again, without knowing the people in your situation, I would say you would be responsible for the way you tell them (Calmly, sensitively, compassionately, honestly) but as adults, they are responsible for their reaction and what they decide to do with that information.
As a "fixer" I can relate to what you're doing and I have absolutely no doubt it's coming from a loving place which speaks volumes to your character, but in the same way you're trying to figure out what this means for you and your Dad's relationship, thats for them to do too. You are not responsible for their relationship with him. That sounds exhausting and you have enough going on.
I'll probably word this badly but it sounds like right now you're using a lot of strength to keep things going for your Mom and sibling, and at the same time they don't know you're hurting so they can't be there for you.
If you shared with them, perhaps their support would bolster you and then the strength you're already showing can be invested differently. You're already caring for them in how you're considering them and what you're taking on so they don't have to. What I'm trying to say is, you can still care for them if you tell them. The bonus is, you can care for each other.
It would be crushing if you protecting them from it then came between you if they find out another way. I'm sorry to go there, but there is a chance it gets reported and they hear it from someone else or have the joy of seeing it shared on social media.
The broken record that I am, virtually every post I write praises the Cognitive Behavioural Therapy I've had. I wouldn't have believed I would be where I am now. I can see now that a lot of my coping mechanisms were coming from a good place but they were not serving me, not really. I was treading water and couldn't see how things would ever get better so I just had to endure it. Recognising my needs and boundary setting is still work in progress but such a shift from where I was.
It is so so tough when it's a parent. My heart goes out to you and I wish you and your family all the best
I know you'll do what's right for you so please take take whatever you want from this message, I'm just an internet stranger who isn't in your shoes.
In the friendliest, most supportive way, I would suggest you think more about sharing this with your Mom and sibling. The reason I say this, is I was definitely taking on too much responsibility for the situation my Dad created and it almost became a way for me to punish myself, which stopped me from meeting my needs and navigating how to move forward.
Again, without knowing the people in your situation, I would say you would be responsible for the way you tell them (Calmly, sensitively, compassionately, honestly) but as adults, they are responsible for their reaction and what they decide to do with that information.
As a "fixer" I can relate to what you're doing and I have absolutely no doubt it's coming from a loving place which speaks volumes to your character, but in the same way you're trying to figure out what this means for you and your Dad's relationship, thats for them to do too. You are not responsible for their relationship with him. That sounds exhausting and you have enough going on.
I'll probably word this badly but it sounds like right now you're using a lot of strength to keep things going for your Mom and sibling, and at the same time they don't know you're hurting so they can't be there for you.
If you shared with them, perhaps their support would bolster you and then the strength you're already showing can be invested differently. You're already caring for them in how you're considering them and what you're taking on so they don't have to. What I'm trying to say is, you can still care for them if you tell them. The bonus is, you can care for each other.
It would be crushing if you protecting them from it then came between you if they find out another way. I'm sorry to go there, but there is a chance it gets reported and they hear it from someone else or have the joy of seeing it shared on social media.
The broken record that I am, virtually every post I write praises the Cognitive Behavioural Therapy I've had. I wouldn't have believed I would be where I am now. I can see now that a lot of my coping mechanisms were coming from a good place but they were not serving me, not really. I was treading water and couldn't see how things would ever get better so I just had to endure it. Recognising my needs and boundary setting is still work in progress but such a shift from where I was.
It is so so tough when it's a parent. My heart goes out to you and I wish you and your family all the best