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Pregnancy, SS, suicidal person... help!

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Windchimes

Member since
May 2023

15 posts

Posted Fri October 27, 2023 1:55pmReport post

Hello! It's been a while since I've posted but I've been lurking!

Background for context: my person is not my partner and they do not live with me but they are a relative. I am in contact with them but haven't seen them since before the knock earlier this year.

My husband and I decided to disclose during my first midwife appointment about what my person has been charged with/current bail restrictions. Making it clear they have not been sentenced yet and we have already decided my person will have no contact with baby. As expected, this led to a safeguarding referral with the family team's midwife. I thought that would be the end of it as we have made it very clear on the no contact, however to close the assessment, the midwife does inform SS and SS decided they wanted to do their own phone assessment. So we've had 2 assessments, and are waiting to hear back to see if our case will be closed with SS or not. Honestly this process alone has me so broken. Reliving everything makes me so upset, and so angry that we are being put through this due to no fault of our own.

At this moment in time, I am 18 weeks pregnant and my person does not know about baby. I am planning to tell them this weekend before we do an announcement to our extended family and friends (via socials) this coming week. My person is currently suicidal and isn't in a good place in their relationship, to the point I'm not sure if they will still be with their partner very soon. Which is also where they live so it does bring up housing issues.

How do I even broach the subject of being pregnant given the weight of it, whilst telling them they won't see baby? And further they can't come to my home any more because SS are already flagging us purely because I've had text contact with them. I don't know how I tell all of this news to them without making them feel worse given their current mental health and relationship issues.

I'm also worried they are not going to have a place to live soon, and I cannot offer a roof over their head because of the implications with SS (and my husband is not on speaking terms with my person). I feel so guilty. Has anyone had this before, how have you managed? I'm at a loss.

Edited Fri October 27, 2023 1:56pm

Upset mum

Member since
June 2020

2402 posts

Posted Fri October 27, 2023 3:18pmReport post

Wind

I am so sorry for what you are going through Congratulations on your pregnancy but please take time for your own wellbeing, you are here because of no fault of your own but yet the added pressure is on you

Does your person have any support with therapy? They could reach out to the crisis team most parts of the uk have these centres, or a GP

Your pregnancy is a time for celebration, you will know when the time is right to tell them and what to say , I think your person is very lucky to have your support, not much advise I know but I wanted to reply, sending hugs and strength to you x

Distressed and pregnant

Member since
November 2020

1000 posts

Posted Fri October 27, 2023 8:44pmReport post

Hi Windchimes,

In my opinion there was absolutely no need for SS involvement and unfortunately it looks like they're trying to play on already strained relationships which doesn't actually protect any children within the family at all.

If you and your husband have already made the decision for baby not to have contact then there is no risk to your baby. Please be mindful that if you agree to a safety plan that involves no sending pictures of your child that this may be monitored by probation if your person works with them post sentencing. It's just something to be aware of especially if they have flagged you having contact via text as a concern.
In regards to his housing situation if you are able to signpost him to citizens advice when/if it becomes an issue they should be able to assist. I know that as women we take on everything and we can make ourselves a little crazy trying to fix it all but you need to take a step back and set boundaries. I understand the position you are in with his mental health as I've been there with a family member not connected with the knock but honestly the best thing I did for myself and them was set boundaries. I'm still there for them but I won't wear myself into the ground as I still have my children to take care of.
I'm so very sorry that you're going through this and I hope that you have a resolution to ss involvement very soon xxx

Windchimes

Member since
May 2023

15 posts

Posted Sun October 29, 2023 11:52amReport post

Upset mum, thank you so much. It's hard to balance the worry but I'm trying! My person went through the low intensity CBT through the NHS, but was discharged due to the severity of their mental health. They're currently waiting on the high intensity therapy and also someone through STOPSO, which is what I asked them to do from the moment we heard about it. But currently they are in a bit of limbo until one of those is arranged. My concern is that they will not speak to a crisis team should they decide to end their life. I think they would just do it which is the really terrifying thing.

Thank you so much for your kind words!

Distressed, no there really shouldn't be any involvement from them, given we have made either very clear there won't be any contact. I'm hoping we don't even have to have a safety plan in place for this, however they can 100% monitor what they like, there is no chance of my person receiving any pictures of baby, seeing baby or having anything to do with them. We're having a baby girl and I just know given some of the things my person disclosed to the police, this would be an issue for SS. Which is another of the many reasons we have made our no contact decision. However, if it comes down to SS involvement in our lives and maintaining contact with my person, or not, then I have to choose not to protect my family. Which breaks my heart as I want to be there for them every step of the way, I just also don't want to have SS in our lives when I know I am protecting this child with everything I have. They can be so cruel.

Part of today will be setting some boundaries and seeing how we go. And hoping that my decision for baby to have no contact with my person isn't the catalyst to them harming themselves. I'm truly so scared but I also know I can't be responsible for everyone's mental health around me at the detriment of my own. It's such a tough call to make, and so difficult to implement in practice.

I've never struggled with setting boundaries before but this time I feel like I am failing them, and it's a horrible feeling even if it means I'm protecting myself! I have so much respect for you being able to do that and stick to it.

Thank you so much and I hope you're coping with life as is!

Edited Sun October 29, 2023 12:01pm

A.

Member since
April 2023

43 posts

Posted Sun October 29, 2023 2:16pmReport post

Hi Windchimes,

Just wanted to say as someone who was 7 months pregnant when we had the knock, Please look after yourself. - I've found they have caused far more stress with myself than the person of concern in our situation. Take time away from this and please prioritise yourself. Your feelings and mental wellbeing are so important. I do hope you can sort something to help you from feeling the way you do. Inbox is always open if you need a chat. Take care x