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I'm new here today. I found some images on our computer a couple of weeks ago and after talking to him I knew my husband needed help. He contacted the police and they turned up at our house and took all our electrical devices away except my phone. They arrested him then released him the next day.
Over the next couple of days he drip-fed me all that he's been doing and it turns out he's been doing these things on and off all his life. It's not just looking at children online, he's been taking photos of himself doing things to himself, and sneaking in bottles of wine and drinking it at home without me knowing.
I didn't have a clue about any of it.
He broke down completely and I had to call an ambulance. They took him to A&E and he then spent a few nights in an accute mental illness facility. He's now at his parents but the plan is for him to come home in the next few days, as he has nowhere else to go.
We've been together for 20 years (no children) and have always been on the same wavelength, we do loads together including work as we're self-employed with our own business. We have a great life with lots of laughs, and get on really well. He's helped me through injury and illness over the years and vice versa. So with everything going for him, why has he been doing these awful things?
It's like he's two different people. The one I know and love is real and kind and generous, but there's a whole side that's so dark. And it's always been there. How could I have not known, or seen something, or worked out something wasn't right?
It's all so much to take in. I feel completely overwhelmed and sick and don't know what the future holds. I can't turn off my feelings for him but everything's changed now and surely there can't be a future for us as I doubt I can ever trust him again. I don't know how to process any of it, I don't know where to start.
Over the next couple of days he drip-fed me all that he's been doing and it turns out he's been doing these things on and off all his life. It's not just looking at children online, he's been taking photos of himself doing things to himself, and sneaking in bottles of wine and drinking it at home without me knowing.
I didn't have a clue about any of it.
He broke down completely and I had to call an ambulance. They took him to A&E and he then spent a few nights in an accute mental illness facility. He's now at his parents but the plan is for him to come home in the next few days, as he has nowhere else to go.
We've been together for 20 years (no children) and have always been on the same wavelength, we do loads together including work as we're self-employed with our own business. We have a great life with lots of laughs, and get on really well. He's helped me through injury and illness over the years and vice versa. So with everything going for him, why has he been doing these awful things?
It's like he's two different people. The one I know and love is real and kind and generous, but there's a whole side that's so dark. And it's always been there. How could I have not known, or seen something, or worked out something wasn't right?
It's all so much to take in. I feel completely overwhelmed and sick and don't know what the future holds. I can't turn off my feelings for him but everything's changed now and surely there can't be a future for us as I doubt I can ever trust him again. I don't know how to process any of it, I don't know where to start.
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Hi Lost!
I'm sorry that you find yourself here but it's a good place to be as you navigate this awful journey. Lots of support and advice so don't ever feel you're being a nuisance, post and ask away!
Your feelings are so typical of how most of us feel and it's credit to you and your OH that you acted so promptly rather than it happening via 'the knock'. Hard though it is, your OH is still the person you describe so positively despite this other side to him. It will be your decision whether you can trust him again and restore your relationship although inevitably it will be different. On here there's a mix of leavers and remainers, both of which will have lots of advice to help you make a decision eventually.
But you are in such early days at the moment and I think almost everyone will suggest that you don't make any big decisions just yet and make caring for yourself a priority. Not keeping this a secret is so vital to your mental health but also telling absolutely everyone isn't wise either. Hopefully you have someone you can open up to who you trust to be confidential and non judgmental but there are places you can contact to offload (the LFF helpline being one of them)
I hope that your OH's mental health stabilises soon and he too can find some support but hopefully he will feel some relief for having confessed to you. Again there is help for him (LFF course for offenders being one, Stopso therapy being another) which will help him to explore why he went down this dark road in the first place. There is hope but it's at the end of a very long tunnel so keep as well as you can and I promise that these early days of trauma will pass even if you can't imagine that just now.
Sending a big hug to you x
I'm sorry that you find yourself here but it's a good place to be as you navigate this awful journey. Lots of support and advice so don't ever feel you're being a nuisance, post and ask away!
Your feelings are so typical of how most of us feel and it's credit to you and your OH that you acted so promptly rather than it happening via 'the knock'. Hard though it is, your OH is still the person you describe so positively despite this other side to him. It will be your decision whether you can trust him again and restore your relationship although inevitably it will be different. On here there's a mix of leavers and remainers, both of which will have lots of advice to help you make a decision eventually.
But you are in such early days at the moment and I think almost everyone will suggest that you don't make any big decisions just yet and make caring for yourself a priority. Not keeping this a secret is so vital to your mental health but also telling absolutely everyone isn't wise either. Hopefully you have someone you can open up to who you trust to be confidential and non judgmental but there are places you can contact to offload (the LFF helpline being one of them)
I hope that your OH's mental health stabilises soon and he too can find some support but hopefully he will feel some relief for having confessed to you. Again there is help for him (LFF course for offenders being one, Stopso therapy being another) which will help him to explore why he went down this dark road in the first place. There is hope but it's at the end of a very long tunnel so keep as well as you can and I promise that these early days of trauma will pass even if you can't imagine that just now.
Sending a big hug to you x
I'm so sorry you're having to go through all this. It's such a horrible position to be in. I'm a few weeks down the line and feel in a much better place. The advice I've had on here has been very helpful and I think the best is to make sure you look after yourself. I'm supporting my other half in terms of helping him to get the help he needs and talking to him but in doing that I have to take care of my own mental health too. Take care x
Sorry you find yourself here. Rainy Day's advice is excellent.
I also wanted to say that your story isn't unusual; lots of women here thought their relationships were happy ones and had no idea of the other side of their partner. The LFF course for partners helped me a lot with this.
It's such a shock, do your best to look after yourself and reach out for support from the forum and the helpline. You should also find your GP helpful; mine certainly was.
there is also a podcast "the world according to the knock" which the first few episodes take you through the early days following the knock.
sending you hugs xxx
I also wanted to say that your story isn't unusual; lots of women here thought their relationships were happy ones and had no idea of the other side of their partner. The LFF course for partners helped me a lot with this.
It's such a shock, do your best to look after yourself and reach out for support from the forum and the helpline. You should also find your GP helpful; mine certainly was.
there is also a podcast "the world according to the knock" which the first few episodes take you through the early days following the knock.
sending you hugs xxx
Thank you all for your messages of support. It's all so much to get my head around and my overwhelming feeling is of deep sadness. Everything we've done and all the brilliant times we've had are now tarnished.
He's told me that he doesn't want to lose me but also accepts that he can't put pressure on me to stay. My mind keeps switching between wanting to support him (I'd support him without question through any other illness), and being unable to see any kind of future for us. I know I mustn't make any hasty decisions and need to take things one day at a time, not least to keep our business going for now.
He's told me that he doesn't want to lose me but also accepts that he can't put pressure on me to stay. My mind keeps switching between wanting to support him (I'd support him without question through any other illness), and being unable to see any kind of future for us. I know I mustn't make any hasty decisions and need to take things one day at a time, not least to keep our business going for now.
LostandTorn,
I think you're absolutely right. You can make the big decisions further down the line when you and he are mentally stronger.
Just concentrate on your business and your mental and physical health for now. xx
I think you're absolutely right. You can make the big decisions further down the line when you and he are mentally stronger.
Just concentrate on your business and your mental and physical health for now. xx