Denial
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Every time I share a laugh or we are having a good time, I feel so guilty. It feels like i'm in denial in these moments. It is super hard to be upset all the time and the times that we do laugh, it kinda makes me believe that everything can be well again.
I still live at home, so blocking him out of my life is a bit difficult. How do you, incredibly powerful women deal with the guilt of moving on and forgiving? (to be clear, i'm not forgetting what happens and I feel so angry)
It feels like I shouldn't have fun or laugh with my dad anymore and the guilt is eating me.
I still live at home, so blocking him out of my life is a bit difficult. How do you, incredibly powerful women deal with the guilt of moving on and forgiving? (to be clear, i'm not forgetting what happens and I feel so angry)
It feels like I shouldn't have fun or laugh with my dad anymore and the guilt is eating me.
This is so hard, isn't it! Since our son has come to live with us we have restored a close relationship with him, including lots of laughter, and sometimes I feel guilty that this is happening despite his offences.
I try to tell myself that this is how life works emotionally in many situations (eg having fun with a loved one when you both know they are terminally ill and will die soon) and one side doesn't negate the other.
I think it would be different if our son was denying he'd done anything wrong and refusing to seek help, but that's not the case so I just tell myself that his offences don't define him totally. Yes, they are abhorrent, but he's still our lovely son at his core who we can laugh with. Hopefully your person is seeking help too.
Re forgiveness, I have good and bad days about this so my only advice would be to put it into a folder titled 'I'll think about this properly on another day' and tell yourself that at the moment it's too hard to deal with as your emotions are all over the place. If you feel forgiving towards your dad one day and hate him the next it doesn't mean that either of those days are invalid.....
I try to tell myself that this is how life works emotionally in many situations (eg having fun with a loved one when you both know they are terminally ill and will die soon) and one side doesn't negate the other.
I think it would be different if our son was denying he'd done anything wrong and refusing to seek help, but that's not the case so I just tell myself that his offences don't define him totally. Yes, they are abhorrent, but he's still our lovely son at his core who we can laugh with. Hopefully your person is seeking help too.
Re forgiveness, I have good and bad days about this so my only advice would be to put it into a folder titled 'I'll think about this properly on another day' and tell yourself that at the moment it's too hard to deal with as your emotions are all over the place. If you feel forgiving towards your dad one day and hate him the next it doesn't mean that either of those days are invalid.....
Daughterlost
The way I look at this is.. it's not my job to punish my OH. It's my job to support him in his recovery and help make him a better person who will not reoffend.
Sadly my grown up stepdaughters have cut all ties with us since the knock and whilst I understand why, I really wish they could find it in themselves to be more like you. xx
The way I look at this is.. it's not my job to punish my OH. It's my job to support him in his recovery and help make him a better person who will not reoffend.
Sadly my grown up stepdaughters have cut all ties with us since the knock and whilst I understand why, I really wish they could find it in themselves to be more like you. xx
I have no bad conscience when I am enjoying myself or even when I have a laugh with my husband.
I didn't commit the offense, so why should I have to suffer and be miserable for several years.
I didn't commit the offense, so why should I have to suffer and be miserable for several years.
I agree with JenJo in that I don't think it's my place to punish my person. He pays the price for what he's done every day. It is ok though for your emotions and feelings to be all over the place and there is no right or wrong way to feel.
You guys are so right that I shouldn't feel bad about my own actions, as I'm not doing anything wrong. Sometimes it is just such a shitshow because society is so hard on our people and I'm not necessarily saying that that is a wrong reaction.
It is just that the things people sometimes wish on others, also influence my thought process behind it. It is probably also why your stepdaughters have cut all ties. It was the instant that I informed myself of what was happening in an analytical way that I realised that it was something bigger than me and also bigger than my dad.
But it is hard, because in some people's minds, I should also cut all ties, but I can't. That's why I also feel so guilty. Maybe my next step in healing is trying to let go of what others would think about it.
The thing with healing from this sorta thing is the stigma behind it, it is what makes it so hard on top of the hurt.
It is just that the things people sometimes wish on others, also influence my thought process behind it. It is probably also why your stepdaughters have cut all ties. It was the instant that I informed myself of what was happening in an analytical way that I realised that it was something bigger than me and also bigger than my dad.
But it is hard, because in some people's minds, I should also cut all ties, but I can't. That's why I also feel so guilty. Maybe my next step in healing is trying to let go of what others would think about it.
The thing with healing from this sorta thing is the stigma behind it, it is what makes it so hard on top of the hurt.
It's interesting to hear your thoughts. I'm of an age where I don't much care what others think, it's one advantage of getting older.
I think it's commendable that you're trying to work all this out. I'd be very proud of you if you were my daughter xx
I think it's commendable that you're trying to work all this out. I'd be very proud of you if you were my daughter xx
What a lovely daughter you are. Your dad is very lucky to have you in his corner x
Never feel bad for allowing yourself good times. The fact that you see beyond the offence and see your dad as a human being who has made a mistake, albeit a massive one, but is not necessarily a bad person shows what a decent human you are, and as such you deserve to have a laugh and good times. Your Dad will get his punishment and I'm sure he is already suffering the consequences of his actions, but it would help no one, least of all you, if you were to punish him as well. I think you should be proud that you're going with your own instincts and not letting society dictate how you should treat him x